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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not telling DP about some inheritance?

154 replies

HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:14

I recently received £15 grand as inheritance from my grandparents, and I don't know if AIBU not to tell by DP about it?

Background so not to drip feed: we are not married, been together since 2008, live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS. We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his. I know he has some investments and as well as I saw his bank statement accidentally n he has 50k in it!

In comparison I have 5K in savings (other than the 15k), and that's it. I think we are good but in the worse case (should we separate) I know that wouldn't get me n DS very far. I work PT so can't really save very much at the mo. DP also works PT but does earn 3-5K/yr more than me.

DP wants everything to be 50:50, which absolutely is fine by me. We don't have a joint bank account but stuff we buy tends to sort itself out during the week. It's hard to explain but when he knows I have savings he's less generous and expects me to spend at the same rate that he does. Eg recently we bought a new car as both of ours were 3door and I was struggling with DS and the car seat. We replaced my car as it was on the way out anyway. I was happy with a banger but he wanted a newer one that would require less work/be safer. fine we looked at cars approx 5-6K we were going 1/2 so 3K for me. However when we looked at cars we both liked a more expensive car (I know we both liked it) but it was 10k so that was 5k for me. Hence 5k left now.

Oh and before u ask I'm not sure whats happening about the getting married thing, I'm for it but DP is dragging his feet - that's a whole other thread.

So AIBU to keep this money up my sleeve for now? (Tho I don't like lying even though omission)

OP posts:
lotrben17 · 21/08/2015 15:48

yes but you're not even saving by paying a mortgage either, and you're working part-time so not building up your career right now either. I think this is risky behaviour for you, long term.

CatMilkMan · 21/08/2015 15:48

just read the maternity leave but, that's shit.

mrsnec · 21/08/2015 15:49

Just out of interest what do you think he'd do if it was the other way round?

PeanutsOnTheFloor · 21/08/2015 15:49

Gosh, I can't imagine a relationship where money wasn't spoken about openly. It sounds hard work OP. I hope you are OK.

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:49

The baby was planned ie we discussed me coming off the pill. But I don't think he thought would happen as quick as it did. I have vaginismus and so we don't do it very often.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 21/08/2015 15:50

No don't tell him about the cash. He will convince you that you need another expensive purchase that will cost you all the money and he will still have a nice buffer.

He isn't nice. A nice man wouldn't expect the mother of his child to pay half when they have no fucking income. A nice man wouldn't expect the mother of his child to pay half when in a limited income.

Tangoandcreditcards · 21/08/2015 15:51

Our family is in a similar-ish position on paper.

DP and I together 5 years, 18mo DS. Both have good savings, "I" have 3 x what he has (inheritance). I work FT he is working PT and SAHD in the week (neither of us interested in marriage). We rent (which i know is a big a difference).

Our savings are pooled although we have both signed an agreement to what proportion each has put in (so we could divide fairly in the event of a split). We upgraded the car and it came out of the pooled savings. We have mirror wills.

I'm the high earner by ten times. My earnings pay all living costs, his earnings pay all extras (for all of us holidays, clothes, toys, savings). But it doesn't really matter as it's all family money. When I was on mat leave, we used our pooled savings for that too.

The difference is that we talk about it. You've been together 7 years but you 'get the feeling' he'll expect you to spend your savings.

I wouldn't keep it quiet because I'd want to sit down with him and have a frank and open discussion about how much money your family has and what BOTH your expectations are. Now, in the future and in the event you split up or one of you dies. DP was also reluctant to talk about this (v English about money) but I put it all in writing and made him talk about it; both when we moved in together and when we decided to have DS. If I had a windfall, I would absolutely tell him about it.

Please protect yourself with a conversation in the first instance. Writing a letter is a good idea.

Gymbunny1204 · 21/08/2015 15:51

I'd be putting it somewhere he can't get at it and definitely don't tell him. You had a child with someone who you want to marry but don't know what is happening with that and he clearly doesn't trust you or else you'd be sharing. He's happy to let you spend your savings - which leaves you very vulnerable - while he happily keeps £50,000 a secret.

I'd be looking for a secret children's account and a new house tbh.

You need to grow up. It isn't saying the wrong think telling him you want to be married and share money. Writing a note then running away is daft. But why you'd want to marry someone who treats you as beneath him is beyond me Sad.

BoffinMum · 21/08/2015 15:51

I would certainly keep it up my sleeve for a dire emergency. That could make the difference between living on your nerves and feeling secure, for all of you. If you start spending it, the temptation will be to keep dipping into it until it's all gone. Also bear in mind you are not married so more exposed financially. You may need that to put a deposit down on a place at some stage. He already has one and you have few rights to it. Really, you need to keep your wits about you here.

Inertia · 21/08/2015 15:53

Whatever you do, keep your inheritance and savings as a backup fund.

You're in a financially perilous situation, as is your child- you may well need those savings one day. Don't contribute anything to improving the house or paying anything above a market share of rent until you have legally-watertight part-ownership of the house. He doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want to share his money or house with you or his child.

A man who makes you pay half the bills while you are on mat leave caring for his child is an absolute shit, not a good dad. I hope you invoiced him for childcare services during that time?

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:55

Thanks all, I feel bad not telling him but I feel like if I have something up my sleeve I feel like I'm in a stronger position Smile

I will come back to the thread when I can but I've got to get DS up from a nap n DP will be home soon and it can be hard to steal the iPad off him.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 21/08/2015 15:56

Did he make you pay half for the iPad as well?

UrethraFranklin1 · 21/08/2015 15:57

I don't see the need for lies and hiding (hardly going to help any situation, is it?). He has his money, you have yours, what difference does it make whether he knows about this or not?

Tangoandcreditcards · 21/08/2015 15:57

I'm also not as convinced as other posters that he's trying to take advantage of you.

If neither of you are talking about money at all, he might not have even realised that you were still paying bills whilst not earning on mat leave...you say you 'had to pay' half bills, but did you say to him that you couldn't/shouldn't? I get the impression you just got on with the status quo and you never said "hang on a min, I've got not income this month!". Correct me if I'm wrong.

BeautifulBatman · 21/08/2015 15:57

OP, what would happen if your savings ran out and there was another significant purchase to made?

BoffinMum · 21/08/2015 15:59

It is not his to know about, until you have a much greater level of financial security, pension, investments of your own and so on. At the moment you have no investments apart from a tiny savings pot and this inheritance. You may end up completely financially responsible for your child as well, so you need to toughen up and get yourself in a better financial state - then it's time for grown up conversations about money etc.

TBH this bloke sounds financially mean, not putting the mother of his child on the deeds and expecting you to live on SMP and still pay half of what are mainly his bills in reality - bills he would have anyway in that house he owns. I think you need to be really wary. I have been burned like this in the past and it's more common than you would ever think. Current DH would never treat me like that even if we weren't married.

BlahBlahUsername · 21/08/2015 16:00

Yes definitely keep it quiet. And it's not like it will bite you on the arse in future, as he clearly doesn't let you in on his financial 'life' either.

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 16:03

Yeah to be fair Tangoandcreditcards I didn't say oi I'm not earning anything. I kinda thought he knew as we had discussed that the last 3 months would be unpaid that he would offer.

OP posts:
lotrben17 · 21/08/2015 16:06

but then he didn't and you let it go? That's not normal, and nor is living in a paid off house you don't have your name on a good long term prospect for building any savings up.

BeautifulBatman · 21/08/2015 16:08

Honey, you shouldn't have had to say anything if you had discussed it before ML started. What a tight wad.

WMittens · 21/08/2015 16:18

Odd, when the question "DH has just got a big bonus from work" comes up, the answer is always "belongs to everyone, it should be split."

peggyundercrackers · 21/08/2015 16:19

I don't think your name should be on the house if he paid for it before he met you, like wise if he had savings before he met you I don't think that's any of your business - I think if you were in Scotland you wouldn't have a claim on his house because he bought it before you met him, might be wrong there though.

I think you need to be speaking to him about bills - no one is a mind reader - if you didn't have money how would he know?

I think you should tell him you have had an inheritance - telling lies in a relationship because he is tight doesn't make either of you right.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 16:21

You really need to say something about not being paid. Really, if he knows that you're not paid and has expected you to pay equally towards the bills, that is really disgraceful.

Did he have most of his savings before you met him? How much do each of you manage to save (ratio only needed!)

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/08/2015 16:24

Odd, when the question "DH has just got a big bonus from work" comes up, the answer is always "belongs to everyone, it should be split."

In that situation the DH is married so it is entirely accurate. And the DH has as much of a claim on the house he lives in as the DW.

VirginiaTonic · 21/08/2015 16:24

Don't know why people saying it should be put in a trust for OP's DS? She has already said the reason she is not telling DP is because she would like to have the money as security in case the relaionship breaks down. It won't be any good to OP if tied up in a trust. Plus her DGM obviouly wanted the OP to have the money, otherwise it would have been left to her DGS in the forst place.

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