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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

141 replies

keg66 · 21/08/2015 13:33

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 21/08/2015 13:40

Do you enjoy your work? What would you do about childcare if your dp went back to work? I think that if you're supporting him financially it's fine to suggest he makes a contribution. But I guess you have to consider what you'd lose as well. Personally I think that having a SAH partner would be fantastic - our house is a permanent mess currently and my dh would do the best job with our ds. But obviously I respect his decision to work.

ilovesooty · 21/08/2015 13:45

You say he gets to stay at home, but he is doing a job of work isn't he? He's caring for your children.

However - what will he be doing when they're all school age?

SquinkiesRule · 21/08/2015 13:48

My Dh has also retired himself early, he's doing the house and looking after school age Dd. I have days where I resent him being there doing the job I did with our sons, I miss doing the day to day stuff and hate him doing the laundry, he's not that good at it, I nearly cried when he looked liked he'd ruined a new top I had worn once. I rescued it It's a hard change, I have no answers. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I am retiring early, on count down, 9 years to go.

Original poster
keg66 · 21/08/2015 13:50

We don't have to worry about childcare as they are all grown up, youngest is 18. Don't get me wrong its lovely that I no longer have to do any household jobs (apart from the ironing lol) and generally he cooks in the evening too.

I do enjoy my job but because we are on our second marriage we have more or less started all over again and have a high mortgage and this wasn't my life plan. Probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself!

OP posts:
Pootles2010 · 21/08/2015 13:51

Well, I don't see it's entirely about him looking after the children - it doesn't sound like he's any plans of going back.

It sounds like he sees the pension as 'his', so he gets to retire. Sounds a bit rotten to me. If you both worked now (or at least, once the children are a bit older), wouldn't that mean you could both retire early?

Actually - I can't see children mentioned in your post at all, are there any? If not, I'd be pretty peed off. He seems a bit 'I'm alright jack'.

Pootles2010 · 21/08/2015 13:52

Massive x post - i'd be really pissed off. He's just sorted himself out hasn't he, with no thought to you.

SakuraSakura · 21/08/2015 13:52

YANBU. If your children are grown & childcare isn't an issue, I think the burden of finances should be shared by two workers. I wouldn't feel happy either.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 21/08/2015 13:56

Dies his pension cover half the mortgage and running costs of your family? If yes, then I think he has every right to retire early. You need to consider how you can arrange your own share of costs with early retirement, like make investments now etc.

If he us not paying half and enjoying his retirement on the back if your work, then he needs to work until he can afford his half of your family costs without working. So I would explain that to him if this is the case.

Needaninsight · 21/08/2015 13:59

You don't even have kids at home??

Wow. Talk about life of riley!

i would want him to get a pt job at the very least at a supermarket for similar. Sorry, but housework is not a job unless you're doing it with toddlers and babies at the same time!

You have a high mortgage and he's doing nothing to help pay it off??

Mydearchild · 21/08/2015 14:00

No I'm not in the same position as you but I would feel very resentful. Unless your dh is contributing equally or you have an arrangement in which you BOTH feel happy then I think he is taking the piss really. It should be a partnership, your dh should be working so you can chip away at your mortgage and retire at a decent age (assuming he isn't much older than you?!)

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/08/2015 14:06

Is he covering half of all costs with his pension?

ilovesooty · 21/08/2015 14:07

If you have a lot of financial commitments and there are no young children that alters my opinion. He's just unilaterally decided that you work while he stays home by the sound of it. I'd be resentful too.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/08/2015 14:11

I don't think there's anything intrinsically lazy about what he's doing. Plenty of SAHMs don't go to work even when their kids are grown up, and countless WOH parents will be working till 67/68 while their spouses are effectively able to do what they like.

Are we saying that all these SAHMs with grown-up children should get off their fat lazy arses and get jobs now? Stop living the life of Riley at their husbands' expense? After all most of them won't even have a pension income to contribute to the family pot.

If that's not what we're saying and I suspect not, given the demographics of MN then IMO the unfairness is the fact that he seems to have done this unilaterally, without taking your feelings into account. You need to let him know how you feel and look for ways he can help shoulder the financial burden a bit more.

NeedSpeed · 21/08/2015 14:11

If he is covering all half of the costs then I don't see what the problem is.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 21/08/2015 14:11

Hah, he's got it made hasn't it? I expect my husband to split finances, housework and childcare right down the middle with me, and that's what happens. He's not pulling his weight, unless his pension is huge and covers 50% of outgoings.

Rafflesway · 21/08/2015 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 21/08/2015 14:15

If he's paying his way, I don't really see the problem, although I would be jealous too.

rookiemere · 21/08/2015 14:17

Ok I think the issue is that you won't have the option to retire early because of the size of the mortgage. You need to talk to him.

Could you downsize and reduce your costs, or as your DCs are grown up bring in more income through a lodger or having international students?

FWIW DH keeps talking about retiring super early - I'm sincerely hoping it's a pipe dream along with the buying a property abroad and all starting up another business. As if it's not then I'll need to work until I'm 67 and I don't want to either.I'd like us both to be able to retire at age 60, but realistically I can't see it happening any earlier than that.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/08/2015 14:18

Well he's not a SAHP, is he. He's just someone who stays at home. Which is fine if it works out financially for the whole family.

Does his pension cover 50% of the costs? That's a good place to start, but I suppose the question is really, 'if there was more money coming in, would you be able to increase your mortgage payment so your mortgage could be paid off earlier', giving you the freedom to maybe retire earlier.

He doesn't need to go back into 'the rat race' but a bit of extra cash coming in could make a real difference to you. We're putting our mortgage payments up £150 when we remortgage and I reckon that will save us around 5 years off the term - it can make a huge difference.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/08/2015 14:28

YY surely he can take on a bit of work here and there? Do gardens or odd jobs a few days a week, bring in a bit of extra money? If you're just 'managing' and his pension doesn't cover half your outgoings I don't think it's fair that he gets to do nothing all day while you do all the earning. As you say he manages everything in the house, but with grownup children that doesn't take all day every day. It just doesn't. So he could absolutely do a bit of work to help even the financial odds a bit.

SevenSeconds · 21/08/2015 14:29

As others have said, he's not a SAHP if your youngest is 18!

It doesn't sound fair to me at all. Doing the housework isn't equivalent at all to a job (do you work full time?), it's completely different if you are caring for young children on top of that.

YANBU. I would be deeply resentful too (unless, as others have said, his pension is large). You need to have a serious chat to him about finances.

IceBeing · 21/08/2015 14:36

whhhahahaha the sexism of this thread!

Can you imagine a man came on complaining their wife hadn't gotten a job once the kids left home...while he had to keep his job? Oh the indignation there would be...except it describes like almost every woman in my parents generation.

Nothing against the OP, if both parties in a marriage aren't happy with the work life balance then you need to talk it through and work something out...but honestly has no one heard of ladies who lunch etc?

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/08/2015 14:40

Actually I've often seen on mn an expectation that women do get off their bottoms and contribute if they're children are no longer at home.

And certainly that is the case in real life.

Is he doing lots of voluntary work or something?

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 14:41

I can totally see your point and do agree that he may be taking the pee. I also agree with the poster who pointed out that would peoples views be the same if we were talking about a stay at home female too - I wondered if it was a reverse post tbh.

However, I also see marriage as a partnership and whilst DH and I both work, he earns a lot less than me, so should I be telling him to get an extra job so he is contributing the same financially? Sounds like he is pulling is weight in that he is doing all the house work, and you can't help the way you feel about that. I think you do need to have a conversation about how you could manage for you to also retire early and see where that goes. Maybe you could downsize your house and outgoings?

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/08/2015 14:44

Honestly though - how long does it take to do housework if there are no children at home and the OP is still doing the ironing!

He needs to brush up his 1950's housewife skills if he's going to be compared to the women of that generation.

I would have assumed though that the OP and her DH would have had some big conversations about finances etc especially as second marriages.