starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

[keg66]

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

You are totally reasonable, but the premenopausal anxiety is probably making it worse for you, as indefinitely is for me.

Retiring at 52 without mortgage being paid off, or a viable nest-egg - no. That's unreasonable. I hope you manage to have a productive conversation, OP.

This absolutely does not sound fair. I think a frank conversation is due with your other half. It should not be like this in a partnership.

OP I would feel exactly the same. I hope you manage to talk it out with him.

How sad that keg needs to spell out that her DH contributing 1/3 isn't actually an equal or fair contribution to the house.

keg - you need to talk to him. It's absolutely not acceptable for him to decide to retire at the age of 52 on your dime.

I appreciate that the OPs circumstances are not as clean cut as they appear, but this constant harping that financial contributions have to be equal does my head in.

I don't know any households where both partners earn exactly the same and also do exactly equal amounts of chores etc. Maybe they exist but I would suggest that it is the norm that some partners earn more than others whether both are working or retired etc. It also wouldn't be fair for the lower earner to do all the housework regardless of how many hours they work just because they earn less. This wouldn't be acceptable if the lower earner was a woman, so why do people think it's okay if it's a man?

Anyway I know that's not what the post is really about, but the attitude drives me mental. According to some posts I should be chucking my husband out the door because his income is less than half of mine even though he has a more demanding job.

Which posters have said that?

Wanker, your husband is working though so I don't see how that's relevant. Of course it's not solely about the amount of cash someone's bringing in - it's cash PLUS hours worked PLUS household contribution.

So money x time x wifework. It's quite a complex equation. Generally women contribute more when you tot up those variables in heterosexual relationships.

Finally, great if you're happy with the balance in your relationship. The OP isn't.

I did say that it wasn't really what the OPs post is about but numerous posters have said that they should be bringing in equal amounts or her DH is basically a cocklodger etc. I appreciate that the OP did come back and say that it was something that her DH drifted into without them talking about it which of course is totally unfair - I am pointing out here that just because someone doesn't earn as much it doesn't make them worthless in a relationship. We wouldn't accept a woman being talked about like that but there were several posters who seemed to think it was ok to say that because it was a man.

I also know that I do contribute more in every sense but that doesn't bother me because I mostly enjoy the things that I do and DH does all the stuff i don't like plus has a physically draining job and is older.

I can't see anyone who's said that, let alone suggested that someone working full time but earning less than their partner is worthy of being chucked out the door.

I am not going to trawl right through the thread, mainly because I can't be bothered but think it was particularly prevalent near the beginning before the Ops latter posts.

But there is this for a start "How sad that keg needs to spell out that her DH contributing 1/3 isn't actually an equal or fair contribution to the house"

The fact that the person in question is retired is really irrelevant as they are talking about the financial contribution being made as not being enough as it is only a third of the income of the OP.

Anyway, i know what I mean even if I am not explaining it very well and maybe I am reading more into people's posts than they intended. It just makes me sad that the only measurement some people have of a relationship is how much a person contributes financially and it also seemed to be particularly sexist as it was aimed at men as i don't think that women earning less than men are generally judged in the same way.

Well I did, and yes I think it's fair to say you're reading things into posts that aren't there. Especially with relation to your own situation.

And of course the DH not working makes a difference. Several posters have explained why his situation is different to someone who's working, especially FT. A person who's not working has a lot more slack than one who is. A person who is working, especially FT, might well be doing all they possibly can to bring in income. A person who isn't working, and isn't engaged in other work of equal value to the household such as childcare (realistically a couple of hours a day cleaning and cooking is not comparable) definitely isn't unless they're unable to work for some reason.

I wrote that but I was referring to the OP's situation. Not yours, Wanker.

If the OP's DH was working 40 hours a week and bringing in 1/3 what she does, then I wouldn't have written that. Obviously

To be fair, women of the OP's generation have got paid much less than men. They are hardly in a position to make an equal contribution. My DM, now in her 70s, hasn't had to look after any children for twenty years. It would have been unfair to the point of absurdity to have expected her to begin to contribute equally to DF who worked in a high paying profession once we'd all flown the nest.

However... sauce for the goose.. the bloke got retrenched, tried to find work, and he couldn't. I wouldn't blame him if he's just had enough. He keeps house and he's contributing financially, so it sounds a totally fair arrangement to me.

My mum does this. We all think it is lazy and a bit braindead. All she does is go around eating out and walking round the shops.