starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

[keg66]

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

Mary you may not consider it relevant. I was expressing an opinion which I believe I'm free to do.

I'd be deeply frustrated by a man with his attitude. The OP is frustrated by the situation and he is contributing to it.

Mary you may not consider it relevant. I was expressing an opinion which I believe I'm free to do.

It didn't say that you couldn't express an opinion. I am just saying that the fact that you don't want to retire doesn't mean that other people in their 50s shouldn't want to retire.

It seems to me that the OP is only frustrated by her DP because she can't retire too as she has children and hasn't built up a decent pension. That isn't her partners fault.

I don't know where everyone is getting all this info on what the OPs DH feels and what his attitude is like .

No-one seems to have an issue with the fact that she also says that she is effectively supporting 2 adult children too.

No-one seems to have an issue with the fact that she also says that she is effectively supporting 2 adult children too

What's the issue here ? Her children. Her choice to do so.

I agree, but if the OPs DH is contributing a third to the household and then if the OP is contributing the same to the partnership and the other half of her income is covering her adult children, then I don't see that it is the OPs DH that is the problem as as to why she can't retire. Its the fact she is supporting two other adults. So are we really saying here then that the OPs DH should get a job so that he can support her adult children then allowing the OP to retire early?

Marynary "It seems to me that the OP is only frustrated by her DP because she can't retire too as she has children and hasn't built up a decent pension. That isn't her partners fault."

that's exactly how I read it.

I see someone else has mentioned large mortgage so maybe it wasn't my imagination - I don't want to keep scrolling back as I am still having some issues with MN and getting logged out.

Wanker - interesting point you made with this - "So are we really saying here then that the OPs DH should get a job so that he can support her adult children then allowing the OP to retire early?"

I would never say that - I totally respect that the OP might want to help her kids out but it wouldn't seem right at all to ask her DH to be involved in that.

hopefully OP will come back and say if her DH could support himself independently because that's so important, as well as any agreement they may have made about marital income.

in the face of a massive mortgage, other bills can be quite small, relatively speaking.

sorry OP, you wanted a gentle moan and we want details

seriously though, in another place you mention about maybe just being pissed off at the thought of 20 years of work. That would piss me off too but I don't have kids so early retirement is an option that I work towards. Lots of people do know how you feel. I met a lady the other day who retired at 60 and had a countdown on her wall for 12 years. What I do wonder is, if your DP is enjoying being retired then would it help if he had work but wasn't happy with it?

I admit I am biased because I could pack it in tomorrow and I am lot younger than your DP. I don't know where the time goes tbh!

Yeah I would say that. If one person is only bringing in 1/3 of the household income because they choose not to work, I'd be pretty pissed off. Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

He knew the OP had two kids which were pretty much her sole responsibility when they got married.

I'd be really hacked off that he's basically decided to sit on his arse for the next 20-30 years

lorelie - I am a similar age to the Op and DP is coming up 55, our children are younger though so still have a few years to support them and i do totally understand that OP would want to continue to support hers, I guess i am playing devil's advocate in a way.

I've worked for 32 years and still have 20 to go - it hardly seems fair. Luckily I do have pension behind me though DP has less and I am also lucky in that I have always had him there either financially contributing or doing childcare. I will probably start to retire from my main job a bit earlier than 67/68 and then maybe chose to do something that I'd enjoy that maybe doesn't bring in the same income.

I agree that the OP just needed a moan, her feelings are perfectly valid though possibly aimed in the wrong direction. I think she is jealous rather than resentful. That's okay, but if she seriously wants to change the situation then conversations need to be had with all relevant parties.

I just get hacked of with the attitude that because he is a man, her DP is automatically at fault here and that he is a lazy cocklodger who doesn't love her and has a bad attitude - he may well be for all we know but I really don't see anywhere in the OPs posts where she has said that this is the case. This is a man who served in the military and has been paid off and has struggled to find a place in the civilian world - there will lots of people in an similar position I would think.

Anyway, that's my view.

Yeah I would say that. If one person is only bringing in 1/3 of the household income because they choose not to work, I'd be pretty pissed off. Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me.

He hasn't chosen not to work though. He has been unable to find employment after years of serving in the military. Obviously he knew OP had children when he married her but that doesn't mean he is obliged to pay for those children when they are adults.

I think it's important to remember that this isn't a position at either of them actively chose. Both of them assumed that DH would find another job and when that didn't happen he took retirement as an alternative. That's not to say that DH shouldn't have kept trying to find work as part of the long term plan, but all the financial ramifications probably weren't properly discussed at the time. I can imagine it being quite depressing for DH & the OP trying to support him emotionally rather than thinking about how she would feel in the future.

My opinion is that the OP should start making plans for what she wants to do rather than just going with the flow. So if she wants to retire at 63, she needs to work out how much she needs to save to knock 5 years off the mortgage. Then have a conversation with DH about where they are going to make cut backs to do this (eg no holidays, cheaper meals) or whether he would prefer to get a part-time job, so they can maintain their current lifestyle. The fact that she is contributing more financially means DH should be open to negotiation.

He might be fed up that a huge amoutn of her income that coudl be spent on luxury holiday for the two of them is going on her adult children.

I just hope they have a good prenup....

another note - the OP says that the pension is 1/3 of her full time salary

but we don't know what proportion of that salary goes to her children - if it is a lot, then the 1/3 isn't really relevant. What would be relevant would be the couple's costs and how they are split.

OP, maybe you really do need to sit down and think about the finances - I know what you mean that knocking 5 years off the mortgage so you can retire seems like a miracle. I live well below my means - some people think it's odd but I would much rather do without all kinds of things if it means I can retire early.

does your DH have any hobbies that could turn a profit? I'm actually looking at that for myself at the mo.

sorry if I'm labouring the point, but I suppose what I'm getting at is

1. I really understand that you feel you are staring at a prison sentence

2. I understand you are jealous of him being free but please don't take that out on him - if he's actually sponging off you something needs to change but I still can't quite see any figures to show that he is

3. have a think about your life and your finances and how you can save and so on. I'm not saying this is you but I come across a lot of people who don't believe that I go to the £10 haircut place and shop at Aldi and batch cook - blah. If you don't do that kind of stuff already, it's possible you don't know how much difference it makes? (Actually, he can do the batch cooking, lol).

The children are a bit of a red herring, obviously they should contribute where they can, but it sounds like they are working to become independent in the future which should be encouraged.

I've scrolled back now and just realised - OP says her children are teens, that could be 13 and 15 for all we know...I realise no one wants to give out specific info like that, but on the basis that the children are children and not adults, I wonder what agreement was made about the children when you got married?

and also if they are still children then DH must be doing some bits and pieces for them?

lorelei9 OP said that they are adults now. The youngest is 18.

*lorelei - youngest is 18, one at college and other doing an apprenticeship both are OPs children.

Thanks for coming back OP, interesting reading. I think that it sounds like his pension is not paying for half of the household costs, is that strictly correct when you add it all up? I am not sure if you should include the kids as his cost or not, it depends on what you had both decided regarding his role in their lives.

If he is not paying for half of the household costs, then his not working is meaning you are able to save less and therefore have to work longer. So that is not right or fair in my opinion.

One moral for women on the thread is always make sure you have a good pension saved early on (women are very very bad at pension provision compared with men which is strange as generally women tend to save for the future more than men but probably reflects unwise choices of career in the first place of lower paid work, then going part time which rarely pays off when children come along and some discrimination at work or not quite so good as men at asking for pay rises) and secondly perhaps marry younger men on high pay.

Thanks, some of you do understand how I feel and that helps.

Issue is not past circumstances, relationship wise or financially, for either of us, they are what they are and can't be changed.

The issue is hubby has 'retired' without discussing with me, slowly went from looking for work to classifying himself retired, so his mindset is he isn't going to look for work.

I have no friends in the same situation and can't seem to discuss how I feel with anyone who understands. I feel emotionally resentful/jealous of his free time and easy life, and the fact he appears quite happy to let me continue to work for 20 years. In the same situation I would be saying to him I'll get a job, even part time, and we can look at retiring together in 10 years....... This is what a partnership is about isn't it? I just feel he is being a bit selfish and uncaring, BUT I havent discussed with him how I feel so I know I need to do that. Going into a relationship you never plan for these things!

Someone asked whether his pension is enough to support himself and no it definitely isn't, maybe the mortgage isn't as huge as I thought, it's £700 a month, easily manageable with 2 full time salaries, but feels like a millstone now.

I/we feed and house my girls and I give youngest £20 a week pocket money, she clothes herself. Eldest is funding her driving lessons so have agreed once she is through her test and doesn't have this expense she will contribute towards board and lodgings. I don't think they are excessively impacting on household expenses.

keg, thanks for clarifying. What you've told us now is the most crucial bit - he can't support himself without you.

in that case, what he has done is to stealthily work himself into a position of being supported when he is capable of working.

in fact, while I so understand the jealousy bit, that's not actually the real issue here is it? In your shoes, I would be more concerned that someone had just handed the reins to you and said "oh I can't face earning any more". That's not right at all.

I actually think it would make more sense to forget the retirement aspect and say "why are you relying on me for financial support?" The "retirement" is a red herring in a way. Basically he's decided not to work because he knows you will pay for him. Yes, he has a pension but if he can't survive on it alone, he's relying on you.

From your update, I think you definitely need to have a serious conversation with him about things. Although he is contributing financially and through housework etc, it does now sound that the only reason he has been able to decide to retire (and without discussing it with you?? WTAF?) is because you are still working full time.

He should not be simply sitting on his laurels for the next 20 years while you subsidise his lifestyle. I would break down the finances, and what you each contribute to the household each month (maybe not including the stuff for your daughters, but it sounds like they are not exactly draining you dry!), so you can each see clearly any major contribution discrepancies. A serious chat is definitely in order, he may be mortified when he realises how you feel!

The key piece of information here is that the DH couldn't support himself on this pension without OP's contribution.

He needs to get a job.

It has been such a relief to me to read someone in my situation, so thank you for posting.

In some ways my life is easier than before, as I have a 50's housewife who makes me a flask of coffee for the train in the morning, does all the housework, fills the car with petrol if I have to drive for work etc. However, I have felt a bit pointless because of it, I don't have tasks at home so I feel that I sort of drift about.

I feel that I am the only one who worries about money and the future. Sometimes the worry consumes me!

You are the same age as me, so I wonder if you are having perimenopausal symptoms? I thought I was going mad until a friend suggested this to me. I didn't even know what it was!

It is the feeling that none of this is my fault that gets to me. I know there are many worse things that happen to people but I feel trapped really. I feel all my choices are limited.

My bloke has looked into becoming a taxi driver part time. Even that costs over 8k to get started so it would be ages until it brought an income in. We have even thought of moving abroad as you can live on much less! I won't be able to carry on in my job until 67, my industry is extremely ageist, so I will have to change career myself in the next few years.

Hoolio...... Thank you..... To find someone in similar situation really helps..... Have felt really isolated with my thoughts. I also think I am perimenopausal, sweats, flushes, fatigue and anxiety which is why I needed to sound out whether my thoughts are reasonable or whether I am being a totally unreasonable witch!