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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

141 replies

keg66 · 21/08/2015 13:33

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

OP posts:
FlowersAndShit · 21/08/2015 17:45

Isn't he basically like a SAHM with school aged children? But of course that would get a totally different reaction because having school aged kids is a full time job. Hmm

PosterEh · 21/08/2015 17:55

That's right Flowers because 4.5yr olds are pretty much self sufficient so it's basically exactly the same.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/08/2015 18:07

Hard to know if he is taking the piss without more details really.

My FIL retired at age 55. MIL still does everything 17 years later. It infuriates me.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 21/08/2015 18:12

As long as DH is paying his way I don't see what the problem is really.

If the genders were reversed then the responses would be very different.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/08/2015 18:25

My mum and dad did this, but my dad was much older. His pension was as much as my mum's salary, so was fine for them. Do you feel like you could downsize? Cut your mortgage repayments?

RabbitRedux · 21/08/2015 18:28

His pension hardly matters in a proper partnership; they have one idle person and a big mortgage.

Marynary · 21/08/2015 19:16

His pension hardly matters in a proper partnership; they have one idle person and a big mortgage.

So you think that nobody should retire if their partner is still working regardless of their age, pension income etc? I will have to tell my 70 year old friend that he can't retire as his 50 year old partner still has a job. Presumably you think he should continue to work until he is 87 (when his DP will be 67) just to make things fair.Hmm

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 19:37

Isn't he basically like a SAHM with school aged children? But of course that would get a totally different reaction because having school aged kids is a full time job. hmm

Yes, he's exactly like a SAHM with school aged children, except for one small difference. The fact that he doesn't have any school aged children. He's providing no holiday care, as opposed to 13 weeks a year, no wraparound care, as opposed to everything before 9 and after 3.30, he's covering zero inset days and transporting no children to and from school. But other than that, it's the same thing.

RabbitRedux · 21/08/2015 19:48

So you think that nobody should retire if their partner is still working regardless of their age, pension income etc? I will have to tell my 70 year old friend that he can't retire as his 50 year old partner still has a job. Presumably you think he should continue to work until he is 87 (when his DP will be 67) just to make things fair.

No. Have I missed something where the OP's husband is substantially older?

NewLife4Me · 21/08/2015 20:01

It's nothing like being a sahp to school age children, unless of course you think a sahp can only do things for the children whilst they are there.
I do/did loads for my dc when they weren't at home, sometimes a significant amount of the day could be spent on these things.
The OP children are grown up so nothing at all to do for their children.

howabout · 21/08/2015 21:06

Could be worse. He could have got fed up of his lack of job hunting success and started "investing" his pension in starting his own business.

Electrolux · 21/08/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoundingTheStreets · 21/08/2015 21:18

Does he know how you feel? Presumably, if this is a second marriage, the two of you have spent some time talking about what went wrong in your previous relationships and how you hope this one will be different/better. Surely part of that was working together in partnership to create a whole that is more than the sum of its parts? This relationship should allow you to do more than what you could had you remained single. IT should be about each partner having life made easier and/or being supported/supporting to achieve each others dreams. If your relationship is solid, talking about how you feel should make him want to reach a compromise where you're both happy.

sherazade · 21/08/2015 21:48

Right so let me get this straight...
Your dh who was made redundant when your youngest was 14 was hardly a SAHD at any point. I am baffled as to how some posters are outraged that others have suggested he find work, using the reasoning that SAHMs are not usually expected to go back to work when the dc grow up. How can he be compared to a SAHM who most often than not gives up work through late pregnancy, the baby and toddler period and beyond??? Or even a regular SAHD who will care for young/primary aged children ? Come on, he is hardly like the women of our parent's generation

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 22:21

I think what gets me is not the comparing it to a SAHM etc. it's the fact that people think that unless he is paying half then he isn't pulling his weight. That's never going to happen in most relationships as very few partners earn equally. My OH earns about a third of what I do, he doesn't work less hard and in fact has a job that is a lot more useful to society than mine, it just happens to be poorly paid. He is also older than me. So by the logic of some people, he is never going to be allowed to retire especially as my pension will also be greater than his due to my higher earning power. He did stay at home when the children were little until they started school though so maybe that excuses him.

The OP cannot help that she feels resentment, that is what she feels, however the only way forward is to talk about it. OP you need to tell him that you'd like to retire too in the not too distant future and bteween you you need to work out how to make that happen.

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 22:31

I don't think people are suggesting contributing less than half automatically means you're not pulling your weight. Of course it doesn't. The issue arises if you're contributing less than half, not adding anything of equal value to the household ie childcare, and you could potentially bring in more income by working but choose not to. Fine in a scenario where both partners are ok with one being a non-SAHP homemaker or part timer, less so when the other isn't.

You surely must see wanker that if the DH in this scenario was happily paying only a quarter and not bothering to look for work to try and increase his income, that would be very different to a couple where both work just as hard but one's a social worker and the other a banker? And yes, the fact that your DH took time out, thus diminishing his pension pot and lifetime earnings, is extremely relevant. Of course it is. This is why some of us want to know if either OP or DH has done this.

NeedSpeed · 21/08/2015 22:35

If your DH is contributing a quarter towards overall expenses AND doing all the cooking, cleaning, household chores, household accounts etc then I think it is fair, and not a problem.

Lightbulbon · 21/08/2015 22:42

He doesn't even cook dinner every night??

What does he do all day?

What kind of person stops work in their 40s and just never tries to do anything with their life again?

He should at least be doing voluntary/community work or something imo.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 22:45

Well yes, people were suggesting that doing the housework etc was really no contribution and that he should be paying half or going out to work. What I am saying is that in a relationship there is always going to be give and take, the only people who can judge whether someone is unfairly doing a lot more taking than giving are the OP and her OH.

just because she resents him doesn't mean that he is doing anything wrong. I used to resent my OH being at home with the children but we made the decision because I was the higher earner. It wasn't the wrong decision, I wasn't wrong to resent him as my feelings were valid, however in the circumstances there wasn't any other option.

Is the OPs OH even aware that she is unhappy with the situation for example? Maybe all she needs to do is say to him that she'd like to retire too and he'd happily get a p/t job in order to make that happen, he is maybe oblivious thinking she enjoys working and enjoys him being there to keep the house. Unless there is a bit of communication happening then it's not really fair to start calling him a cocklodger.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 22:47

Actually, it wasn't so much resentment as jealousy in my case and possibly is the same in the OPs situation too.

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 22:56

Yes wanker of course people were suggesting that in this specific scenario he might not be pulling his weight. But I don't see anyone say that less than a 50% contribution necessarily means that in other circumstances too. Certainly nobody has said that someone in your DHs position isn't doing his share.

And it is, of course, possible that this DH is bringing in more than 50% anyway...

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 23:04

The OP hasn't come back to the thread since the beginning so we have no idea about a lot of things and I understand that she shouldn't feel obliged to work longer than she intended in order to fund his early retirement, but the only way for this to be resolved is to talk about it - otherwise it is just going to fester and possibly cause the marriage to fail.

Marynary · 21/08/2015 23:53

No. Have I missed something where the OP's husband is substantially older?

You didn't say it would be okay if he was substantially older. You said "His pension hardly matters in a proper partnership; they have one idle person and a big mortgage." This suggests that you think it would be wrong for a partner to take a pension under any circumstances if the other partner was still working. OP hasn't stated the age of her husband but he is probably quite a but older than her (47) if he has been able to take a pension for the last couple of years.

RabbitRedux · 22/08/2015 07:30

You didn't say it would be okay if he was substantially older.

Oh. Sorry.

Original poster
keg66 · 22/08/2015 10:03

Thanks for all your replies and opinions there is certainly a mixed bag!

I'm 48, he's 52, his pension is approx 1/3 of my full time take home pay and covers the mortgage, I pay for everything else. The 2 teenagers are mine (hubby is childless), 1 at college and another on a low income apprenticeship until October and then who knows if she will be kept on, so one is defo still dependent on me and I could have 2 back with no income in October. They haven't seen their 'real' father for over 3 years, before then was very sporadic and any maintenance was minimal, he can't even send them £10 for their birthday or Xmas so I've accepted that I've had to work full time to support them.

I don't mind the financial aspect 'too' much, although obviously any extra coming in is a bonus. He has tried to get jobs after the redundancy and I know he felt he was letting me down with every rejection (not true). He has a slight stammer so I know out of his comfort zone and feeling stressed that he won't come across well at interviews.

Its the free time and stress free life he has that I resent more, and looking at the next 20 years of full time work for me feels like a prison sentence, even if I do enjoy my job I feel I have no CHOICE, I simply will HAVE to work to 68.

Because I've been just getting by for years I've not had the ability to build a pension pot. His circumstances were a lot different to mine before we met and he was in a position to fund one - I guess I am a bit jealous that I've struggled to bring up the girls, but then he has missed out on the joys of babies, toddlers and young children (we met when my girls were 12 and 10).

I'm just feeling when will I get my time to enjoy life? My parents both retired when my dad hit 60 and have had a lovely few years doing what they want to do, taking life at a leisurely pace, going travelling etc while they were still in good health. In their 70s now they both have health problems and I think I'm just concerned that I will be washed up and tired out by 68 and not get that same lovely golden time. I feel pretty washed up and tired out now to be honest.

Maybe I'm just having a menopausal meltdown, really need to do some serious thinking, possibly downsizing in 4 or 5 years when/if the girls have left home, just the thought of knocking 5 years off the mortgage so I could retire at 63 seems fantastic.

Thanks again to all, it helps just knowing there are people out there in a similar position, and getting different viewpoints makes me look at things slightly differently. The downsizing ideas are really food for thought :-)

Karen x

OP posts: