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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

141 replies

keg66 · 21/08/2015 13:33

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 21/08/2015 14:45

I would hate this but you have clearly agreed to it somewhere along the line. You say you are just managing financially, so talk about it with him............

Not his fault you didn't pay lots into your pension so you could retire early........

WankerDeAsalWipe · 21/08/2015 14:46

I have no idea how long it takes to do housework with no children in the house but I can confirm it takes fecking hours with 2 teenagers and both working :) ....and the house still looks like a dirty tip most of the time.

NewLife4Me · 21/08/2015 14:46

I think he's out of order just from the pov that you are a couple.
Money should be shared along with responsibility.
What about plans you may have to travel, pursue hobbies and interests? If you are working he gets the chance to do all these things.
Health doesn't always permit this if you retire later in life, I'd be really pissed off with my dh if he behaved like this.

hooliodancer · 21/08/2015 14:57

Oh I feel your pain I really do. I am in the same situation and I hate it.

My partner lost his business 3 years ago, along with our life savings which were used trying to save it. Christ it's been hard. He tried to get a job, but there is a lot of ageism out there and he has not even had an interview.

I will have to work until I am 67, but I don't know how I will achieve that as I work in a very ageist industry. I am also self employed.

This week we have had a situation where a house we have always wanted has come on the market. We always said we'd buy it and now in our situation we can't. I know we are lucky to have a house bla bla bla.... But I just feel shit that we can't have this house! We still live in a tiny 1.5 bed house, our first house. I love it, but feel stuck, we can't change anything in our lives because we don't have the money.

We don't go out, can't have the things our friends have. And I know we are lucky bla bla bla. But I DO feel resentful, I can't help it.

I agree with what others have said though- if the tables were turned I think I might expect him to support me.

Doesn't stop me feeling resentful though. And I know I am lucky, bla bla bla...

howabout · 21/08/2015 14:57

In your shoes I would be looking at managing my career, lifestyle and savings to facilitate my retirement rather than resenting DH.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 15:00

What's the difference in income (percentage will do!) and age?

Rainuntilseptember15 · 21/08/2015 15:14

How does his pension compare to your income? Unless it is basically the same, I don't understand posters saying you need to plan for your retirement better, as your income is enabling him to stay at home - if he worked (even in a part-time job not in his field) then his wife could retire sooner. Surely he wants that?

SevenSeconds · 21/08/2015 15:14

IceBeing I think there is a difference here compared to the situation you describe. If a couple have agreed in advance that one person (usually the woman) will be a SAHP then they are jointly accepting the risk that she may not be able to get a job when the kids leave home. Both will benefit from her SAH years, in terms of saving childcare costs and an easier life (for both) than if they'd both worked as well as bringing up the kids, and the price of that will be a financial loss in their later years.

This is different, because the OP is suffering the loss without having had the earlier benefit!

howabout · 21/08/2015 15:23

If anything ever happened to DH I would consider the impact on my financial position very carefully before setting up home with a replacement. So although Op has not "benefited from SAH years" she did have the chance to weigh this up.

I assume if she were not with her DH her lifestyle would be very different and she would still not be able to retire early. If this is not the case and her DH is in fact living off her to the extent that she cannot retire early when she could have had she remained single then she may have a case.

cestlavielife · 21/08/2015 15:29

sell the house and get a smaller property you can afford so you can retire too.

or move to a cheaper location.

rookiemere · 21/08/2015 15:36

I guess the other question is if you hadn't met your DH and bought the property together what age would you be planning to retire at?

hooliodancer · 21/08/2015 15:42

Why should she sell the house or move somewhere cheaper? She is still having her life impacted by something she didn't choose isn't she?

RabbitRedux · 21/08/2015 15:44

I would be extremely unhappy. I can't put it any other way.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/08/2015 15:46

But he's never really been a SAHP - that's the real difference. If a P had given up work, been out of the work place for years, and the family had been used to that level of income, then unfortunately the end result of that situation can mean the wage-earner can't retire at the age they'd ideally like. Although of course their career will have been facilitated by the other partner staying at home.

But the DP here was made redundant four years ago when the youngest child was 14. Not the same situation, at all.

IceBeing · 21/08/2015 15:47

seven I see what you are saying, but I don't really think people plan 20 years in advance...

My point was more that it is totally normal to have women in their 40s/50s generally housewifing while there DH works...so I can't get too excited about the opposite happening.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 21/08/2015 15:50

I'm not denying they exist, but I don't know any women who don't work, don't have dcs at home (except retirees). And if the situation was negatively impacting on their partner, then yes they should consider working.

Marynary · 21/08/2015 15:55

YABU to not give more details. He isn't a SAHP if there are no children at home. He has just retired early. Whether that is fair would depend on his pension vs. your income and also on how much he does around the house (including DIY, admin etc) compared with you. Also, how old is he?

UrethraFranklin1 · 21/08/2015 16:01

The pertinent questions are: Is he paying his half of the mortgage and expenses? And did you make the decision together about him retiring?

If the answer to both of those is NO, he's nothing but an ageing cocklodger.

UrethraFranklin1 · 21/08/2015 16:04

My point was more that it is totally normal to have women in their 40s/50s generally housewifing while there DH works...so I can't get too excited about the opposite happening.

I think you mean women significantly older than 40's, because thats not the norm at all. And you're also talking women who have always been housewives/sahm, with the agreement of their spouse. This is a man who just stopped working, without putting in the years of childrearing first.

So not remotely the same thing at all.

howabout · 21/08/2015 16:05

Iceberg people do plan 20 years in advance for this sort of thing - or at least I did.

In a lot of public sector jobs early retirement at around 50 was the norm until fairly recently.

WMittens · 21/08/2015 16:27

This is a man who just stopped working

According to the OP: "Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years."

Not quite the "just stopped working" indictment you slap on him.

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 16:52

It isn't remotely the norm for women to still be SAH in their 40s and 50s and hasn't been for yonks. Also, back when it was common, those women had given up work to care for children, presumably by agreement, and would've been considerably more than four years away from their last job. So that situation isn't remotely comparable. IceBeing usually has more sense!

OP is he older than you? I think it might be useful to know his age here. I could more easily see your point if he were 49 than 63, iyswim. Would also be interested to know how he managed to get such a good pension. If you SAH/went PT while the kids were young and he powered ahead in his career on the back of this, you've got more right to be pissed off than you would be if you'd always had 50/50 responsibility for children and home, and he'd chosen to bung his share of any spare money into his pension while you'd chosen to spend yours on hobbies or whatever. I don't think there's any scenario where you could reasonably expect him to get a job purely because you have to work. But if he could do something for a few hours a week and bring in enough to allow you to go down to four days, it might be reasonable to suggest this to him.

howabout · 21/08/2015 16:56

I assume Op's DH must be close to 60 as you can no longer draw a private pension before 55 and he has been drawing his for a few years already?

NewLife4Me · 21/08/2015 17:27

There are plenty jobs for older people though and whilst you may not be able to walk into a high powered exec job at this age B&Q, garden centres etc are always employing older people.

If you have a sahp who doesn't go back to work ever, as in my case you need an understanding that the other partner appreciates the sacrifices you made and the pension that is available to you both would surely be the same pot, just as it is when dc are little.

Because the OP hasn't had the former years as a sahp makes no difference, they are partners and equal, why on her her oh can't see this is his problem and he is bing very selfish.

chrome100 · 21/08/2015 17:39

I think if he's paying his way, i.e. 50% of your living costs then you can't really complain. I can see why you are resentful, I would be so envious, but if he is managing financially and doing the housework then it's his choice.