starting to feel resentful of SAH hubby

[keg66]

Feeling a bit pee'd off at mo. Hubby was made redundant 4 years ago and unable to find work for a couple of years. He then decided he would retire as he has his pension and I work so we 'manage' financially, well just about. So he's not looking for work, happy being a house-husband and he does a pretty decent job of it so I'm not knocking his housekeeping skills.

I'm just starting to feel really resentful of the fact that he gets to stay at home and I will now have to work until I'm 67/68, I know thats 20 years away but in the back of my mind I've always been sort of planning that I would retire early and I just don't see that this is ever going to be possible.

Probably a mid-life crisis but is anyone else in the same situation and feeling the same?

To add on, I haven't talked to him yet, not sure if this just me going through a bit of a down spell and I will feel better in a couple of months.

Pension wise, he is ex military, made redundant in first lot of military redundacnies. I was being a bit cagey as I don't really want him to spot this thread and recognise himself!

Sorry, have just skimmed the thread. I assume he contributes to the financial aspect of the home (proportional to his income, or whatever was agreed between the two of you) - so with mortgage payments etc?

Technically, if he is and then doing the lions share of the housework then he's not really doing anything wrong. However, I think he is being a bit selfish when he could look for something employment-wise that would bring in even a little extra cash so that you could BOTH retire together a bit earlier, and enjoy that time together. I can't imagine sending my OH out to work FT, day after day, for years while I got to enjoy my retirement! I would have knuckled down for a few more years so that both of us could benefit together.

Ahh see, it's not him you resent really, you are just jealous of his position compared with yours. He isn't making your burden more, he just isn't lessening it. I do think you need to tell him that you'd like to work out a way to try to retire earlier as you'd like to have quality time together. I think you are also going to have to persuade your cuckoos out the nest a bit more as they are now adults and need to support themselves to give you a bit of your own life back.

I think I would be talking to him if I were you. There are various things he could do to bring in 5k or so a year, which would allow you to start paying into a decent pension. 2 shifts a week in a shop?

I think from the information given now you need to talk to him again. He could find some part time work surely to make a greater contribution so that you could realistically look at retiring a bit earlier.

I can't imagine how someone gets to only his age and is happy to retreat into some kind of bubble and accept that they're unemployable. If he cares about you hopefully he'll push himself out of his comfort zone a bit.

Do you have a spare room and live in a suitable area that you (by which I mean He) could do airbnb? Bit of extra income but works best with someone not in full time job

You know, having read your update, your beef is really with your ex. If he had supported your chikdren more, you could have saved more/ paid into your pension/ just generally been in a better position. If dp's salary covers the whole mortgage, that's a fair division of costs IMO.

I'm not saying don't talk to him - you absolutely should sit down and say 'is there a way we can change things so I can maybe not be on this grindstone for the next 20 years' but don't make him the focal point of your entirely justified ire at your ex.

I can see why it is difficult for you to live with someone who doesn't have to work because they have a pension but unless you are effectively subsiding your DP, that isn't really his fault.

I would talk to him about the prospect of you downsizing and having a lower mortgage so that you can go part time and perhaps retire a bit earlier yourself.

I can't imagine how someone gets to only his age and is happy to retreat into some kind of bubble and accept that they're unemployable. If he cares about you hopefully he'll push himself out of his comfort zone a bit.

I'm sure that many people would feel like that if they had only ever worked in one place since leaving school and had been unable to get another job since being made redundant. Many people in the 50s would love to retire and not work again but most do not have that option, particularly in their early 50s.

OP I don't know what type of area you live in (rural or city etc) but my elder brother was in a similar position in that he got made redundant and effectively early retired after spending his whole life with the same company. He is very shy and quiet. He got a job with a supermarket stacking shelves and driving a fork lift in the back warehouse etc and absolutely loves it. It's probably not the type of thing your OH is used to, but I think they are accepting of older staff and he wouldn't need to be in a front facing role where his nervous stammer might cause him some stress. Also a lot of these types of jobs can be part time so would mean he could still get the housework done

Mary I changed career completely when I was nearly 50 leaving behind a well established career to begin again at the bottom.

I don't doubt your assertion that plenty of people in their 50s would like to retire, but it's not a mindset that appeals to me personally. In any case this man's unwillingness to pursue other options is impacting adversely on his wife.

Isn't this, like, feminism in all its glory?

Loving the 50/50 split stuff, the argument is never that when it is the female that brings less in to the household. Its normally you earn 1/3 you should only pay 1/3 and all other money is split. (cos you should have equal spending money)

And lets not forget that the pension is money that he is bringing in to the house.

I think the issue here is that you feel hurt that DP does nothing to change the situation and lazes around while you work FT.

I'm assuming he is making an equal financial contribution, in which case he's well within his rights to do as he pleases, however I can see how it would be upsetting that someone who is supposed to love and care for you, doesn't feel more motivated to help you.

Not that I think you have it tough. Working till 68 is the norm for the majority and many will not even be able to retire then. Unless you're doing some sort of manual or other physically demanding work, I don't think its unreasonable to work to that age considering the longer life expectancies and you do sound somewhat full of self-pity.

He isn't doing anything wrong per se. He just doesn't care for you as much as you want him to.

I'm just feeling when will I get my time to enjoy life? My parents both retired when my dad hit 60 and have had a lovely few years doing what they want to do, taking life at a leisurely pace, going travelling etc while they were still in good health. In their 70s now they both have health problems and I think I'm just concerned that I will be washed up and tired out by 68 and not get that same lovely golden time.

Sadly, I think many of us in our 30s/40s (and younger) will be denied this lovely golden time.

Mis we don't know that really because as far as I can see, the OPs DH may be completely oblivious to her issue.

The "children" are the OPs and it is her x that has failed to support them and leave her in her current situation. OPs DH could be depressed or have PTSD due to his experiences in the military, he might be suffering with low self esteem etc. There is nothing in the OPs posts that indicate that he doesn't love or care for her or that he is living the life of riley, out with his mates playing golf and lunching all day.

To me the only way this can be resolved is a bit of honest dialog between OP and her DH and OP and her DDs so that she feels less put upon. Although, in the end the best way to be less put upon is decide that you aren't and do the best for yourself - but that is probably one of the hardest things if it isn't in your nature.

I find this really understandable but tbh I don't see that anything can be done about it unless he is happy to return to work.

I am determined to retire as early as possible and I have always kept finances separate for that reason.

I think if you both discussed that marriage was going to be about mixed finances then it's different.

Really you need to talk to him. If I've understood it correctly, he is not living off you - he could live independently on his pension I presume? So it's totally up to him.

I know a couple where the husband is 15 years older and his wife is already freaking out because of the whole "OMD I will be dragging my arse to work long after he has stopped" but what can be done? One person who has their pension should not feel obliged to carry on working just because the other one is jealous.

Unless he actually enjoys working and finds something he'd like to do, you'd effecitvely be saying to him "darling, would you consider working more so I can retire early too?" Not saying you shouldnt ask him that -but I know what I'd say to someone who said that to me, sorry!

But he's only bringing in 1/3 of what the OP is bringing in. So he's not contributing adequately. My mortgage is fuck all at my advanced age - I wouldn't live with someone who thought that covering it meant they were making a fair contribution to the house. If he got a PT job earning a bit then he may at least approach contributing 50%.

I also have to say that I find the idea of a man retiring at the age of 48 and sitting on his arse while his wife toils FT to cover their family's bills deeply unappealing. He sounds really dull :(

Yeah but lorelei the OP is supporting her DH. He wouldn't have been able to have 'retired' without her income

Lynda & OP - sorry if I've misunderstood.

I think I've made an assumption which is that the mortgage is the largest of the bills, may not be the case. That said, we don't know if he has enough to pay the bills alone - maybe the arrangement is that he pays the mortgage and the OP pays the rest, but his pension may well cover more?

Of course if he has just said "darling, I can't be arsed to work anymore, can I live off you?" - that's a problem. But from the way the OP phrased it, that doesn't seem like the case?

so OP, could he retire without your income - pretty key to us understanding the issues really.

we don't know that really because as far as I can see, the OPs DH may be completely oblivious to her issue

How can he oblivious to her issue ? Every day she gets up and goes out to work, while he doesn't. Unless they've never had a conversation about what they'll do when she retires, he must know at what age she will receive her pension.

In a committed loving relationship that is supposed to be a partnership, the already pensioned partner, considering they are so young would want to do something to facilitate the other being able to also be in a similar position to him/herself. This DP doesn't feel that way and appears happy to let her continue soldering on.

He's not obligated to make things easier for her, but if he loves her he would naturally want to. The fact that he doesn't make any effort is what is hurtful and is what would bother me. Sounds more like a co-habiting friendship than a real partnership.

ilovesooty I didn't say that retirement is something that appeals to everyone in their 50s but it certainly appeals to a fair proportion so the fact that it doesn't appeal to you personally is not relevant.

LyndaNotLinda
"But he's only bringing in 1/3 of what the OP is bringing in. So he's not contributing adequately."

Would you say that if the genders where reversed?

How can he oblivious to her issue ? Every day she gets up and goes out to work, while he doesn't.

Unless she says that she doesn't like working then how is he supposed to know? My DH has openly said that he can't see himself ever stopping working as he enjoys it, he might be thinking the same of the OP. The OPs husband may not be a mind reader is what I am saying and if they don't communicate then the resentment will fester. Just 'cause he isn't doing something about a problem he may not know exists doesn't mean he doesn't love her - that's a pretty big leap to make imo. It's also not fair to say that he doesn't feel that way, we have no way of knowing what he feels and nothing the OP has said would lead me to that conclusion.

But he's only bringing in 1/3 of what the OP is bringing in. So he's not contributing adequately. My mortgage is fuck all at my advanced age - I wouldn't live with someone who thought that covering it meant they were making a fair contribution to the house. If he got a PT job earning a bit then he may at least approach contributing 50%.

I don't agree that he has to contribute 50% as the children are not his. OP said the mortgage was huge and he is paying all of that so it does sound as if he is contributing his fair share.