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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be totally pissed off with MIL

342 replies

HammerToFall · 18/08/2015 08:37

We are currently on holiday in the Yorkshire dales, we come here a lot and thought it would be nice to ask MIL if she wanted to come this time. Bit of background, MIL has always been a single parent and has struggled financially over the years. She does t work but looks after her elderly mother and spends most of her days back and forth sorting her mum out. We thought it would be a nice break for her to not have to do anything and just relax and not worry about feeing the gas and electric meter etc.

She said she would love to come but wouldn't be able to the long walks do - absolutely fine. DH said to her do whatever you mam come out for the day, sit and relax in the cottage, come for a drink or not. It's entirely up to you, just have a break.

Well since we got here she has done nothing but moan. The water doesn't taste right, the air is too thin, the towels smell funny etc etc. she is struggling to even walk into the local village which is five minutes so we said we drive there, but she doesn't want to go, she basically wants to sit in the cottage all day on her tablet. This is fine, no problem, we thought she might. However she wants us sitting in it all day with her as well!

The kids do not want to sit in a cottage all day, they want to be out exploring. She are now getting passive aggressive comments with sly digs about being left in her own all the time, and she keeps mumbling to the kids that she's going home.

She is sending messages to other family members saying how mean we are leaving her in her own, but she literally does not want to do anything she won't even go out for dinner or lunch in case she doesn't like the food!

I know she wants to go home, but if DH takes her then it's an eight hour round trip and we are losing a days holiday. I don't know wether to confront her the next time she makes a comment and try and chivvy her out of it or just go with it and ignore the comments, or take her home, lose a day and enjoy the last few days of our holiday Angry

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 18/08/2015 09:31

Your DH should speak to her re the comments to the DC which are unfair on them, and ask her if she wants to go home and arrange that (train?) if necessary. He can't simply ignore her and leave you to handle her. His mum, for him to deal with!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/08/2015 09:31

Presumably you didn't coax her to come with promises of 5 star accommodation or as Basil Fawlty would say, Sydney Opera House, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon or herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...?

Is there someone at the other end to meet her if you put her on a train?

Go out and do your own thing - she is just being mardy. Go explore and leave her inside with a key in case she wants to step out.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/08/2015 09:33

So she manages to care for her elderly mother, but can't won't make any effort to be involved in a family holiday? If someone did that to me, causing tension on what should be a fun relaxing break, I would tell her straight. I'm glad your DH is in agreement that she is being unreasonable. Is he willing to drive her home, to rescue what's left of your holiday?

deardeidre · 18/08/2015 09:36

I would present her with the rest of your weeks plans. If she doesn't want to join in, then suggest to another family member they drive and meet you half way, to take her home.

pictish · 18/08/2015 09:41

Agree with everyone else. She is being uncommonly selfish here. I don't doubt she is miserable herself, but if she will not make the effort to compromise there is nothing to be done but to leave her to stew.
You have my sympathy.

19lottie82 · 18/08/2015 09:41

I certainly wouldn't be driving her home. From the sounds of it she WON'T (rather than CAN'T) walk to the local shops. If she can spend all day at home running after her mother, as described in the OP, then she is perfectly capable of getting the train.

HammerToFall · 18/08/2015 09:44

Her chest sounds really croaky but she smokes like a trooper, the air is too thin is her excuse for not being able to walk. We aren't asking her to do five mile hikes just a gentle stroll into the village which she could do at home.

I don't think she wanted to come in the first place and wish she had just said as we have spent far more money on accommodation than we normally would, for more space and making sure everything is spotless as we know what she like for moaning. The little cottages we go in usually that are oldy worldly wouldn't suit her at all but are half the sodding price. It's a four bed modern converted barn, spotless and stunning, but she still finds stuff to moan about.

So far this morning she has moaned because we don't have much milk left, moaned because DH wouldn't take £2 off her to buy said milk, then moaned because because we said we are going to Skipton farm and Bolton abbey but we needed to be set off by 10 if she wants to come and she needs four cups of tea before she gets going. Now she is moaning that she is putting on a jumper as she is 'fucking freezing' as I am typing this whilst slamming the door. Oh and the affected breathing because of the too thin air she keeps doing when we are in earshot.

So far I have ignored the comments but they are are starting to really piss me off.

We know she is messaging her other sons as she left her lap top with Facebook messenger open last night and we could see this messages. Other sons don't drive so there's no body to meet her, but I can imagine if we bring up her going home she will be all wounded and hurt and it will end up being us that has sent her home IFKWIM.

I think we are just going to going to have to put up with it and learn our lesson. The only consolation is we have a week booked in Spain with my lovely mum and dad who will adore spending time with their grandchildren and won't spend 20 hours a day bloody moaning!

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 18/08/2015 09:48

Could you take her to one side and say 'mil this isn't like you, you are normally so cheerful and everything you've said today is miserable. Is there something wrong that I don't know about? It's horrible seeing you so upset over every little thing. You're just not your normal self and I'm worried.'
I know it's bollocks but it works well on my miserable colleague. Better than 'wind your neck in'...

pictish · 18/08/2015 09:48

Just ignore her. Make a sport of not reacting.
Jesus, she sounds bloody awful.

momb · 18/08/2015 09:50

air too thin!!! hahaha! I thought you must be at the top of Skafell Pike or something, not at Bolton Abbey!!! Get over to Betty's at Harrogate and buy her a lovely tea. If she moans about that you can bury her on the moor and no-one will ever know...and we won't tell!

HammerToFall · 18/08/2015 09:56

Haha momb, the made me laugh out loud and I got a very funny look, she actually looked up from candy crush to look at me. We are in Hawes so a bit higher up than she is used to but I'm pretty sure we are all breathing ok! Oh also the barn is haunted and she can't sleep, though she managed to sleep in till 9 this morning. Miraculously though she thinks she will be ok to walk to the field where they hold the sheep dog trial ( nothing to do with the fact that she loves sheep dogs) at least we have managed to get her to agree to do something

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 18/08/2015 09:56

I think you need to cut your losses here, OP, for all your sakes. It is a shame for your husband to lose a day of the holiday in taking her home but I would do it and get it over with. At least then you can relax and enjoy the rest of your holiday - it's extremely draining to have someone moaning incessantly and be powerless to do anything about it. While your husband takes her home, you and the children can go out and do something nice (or just enjoy the peace and quiet!) so that is a day gained for most of you.

Chalk this up to experience. Your intentions were excellent and you could not have predicted this - you will know never to make this generous offer again. But your family holiday is too precious and rare an event to allow someone else to ruin it.

diddl · 18/08/2015 09:58

Sounds awful.

Get up & out before she's about.

Tell her what you are doing & she joins in or not.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/08/2015 09:58

Tell her you've seen the messages she sent. That should put her gas on a peep!

diddl · 18/08/2015 09:59

Depending how much longer though, I would consider taking her home.

mrsdavidbowie · 18/08/2015 10:00

What a joy sucker.
I suggest you go to Yorkshire with your family for Xmas.
Grin

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2015 10:02

Bad behaviour should in no way be rewarded.

What has your H commented about his mother's passive aggressive behaviour?. Has he spoken to her at all about her attitude?. He needs to do so and urgently. This is already affecting the harmony of your own family unit.

Is he really spineless though when it comes to his mother; would he rather see his family unit upset instead?. Inertia from men when it comes to their mothers simply hurts the man as well as his own family unit.

She should be taken back to the local station and make her own way home without you people paying for her ticket.

OnlyLovers · 18/08/2015 10:03

I'd cut your losses too, but not waste a day of your holiday doing so. Drive her to the station and put her on a train, with taxi money and someone arranged to meet her at the other end.

How miserable for you. Don't put up with it, especially not the saying one thing to you and then making different, nasty comments to your kids.

Oldraver · 18/08/2015 10:08

I think you do need to have words about her moaning, dont put up with it

Is she one of those 'old before my time and plays on it' people ?

redshoeblueshoe · 18/08/2015 10:10

Yorkshire you say
Hmm lots of lovely cliffs . . . . .

IamaBluebird · 18/08/2015 10:16

There's a great thread on here with loads of things to do around the Skipton area Op. Leave her in a nice warm tea room and you all have a lovely day.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/08/2015 10:17

Unless she lives miles from any rail or bus station I'd offer to put her on the train/bus and ask one of your DH's siblings to meet her.

Or you could play word bingo with the kids Grin

Switch off the wifi for starters Grin

contractor6 · 18/08/2015 13:36

Id be straight and say you obviously aren't enjoying yourself on holiday, is there something you would like to donor shall we pack you back home on the train. And never invite her again!

Bambambini · 18/08/2015 13:45

Sounds like the fun break we once had with my dad! Take her home, you have all reached the point of no return and everyone is going to be miserable. Now you know not to holiday with her again and won't feel guilty leaving her in future.

redfairy · 18/08/2015 13:50

Are you sure she's not really enjoying herself? Some older folk love nothing more than a good moan. Grin