To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

Well you weren't to know she has depression and once you found out you asked her to tell you what she needed and that she was welcome.
Not sure what else you could have done tbh.

So I don't think it's fair of your DS to blame you when you didn't know the facts!

I should add that my DS has been unsympathetic about my friend and even joked about the support she has needed from me so he seems to have pretty double standards about mental health issues, which makes it more frustrating.

Depression aside, I think they struggled to have enough privacy at your house, didn't they?

At what point will you consider your 19 year old adult enough to have a girlfriend to stay in his room? Will you insist they have to be married? What you are doing now is clearly not working, is it?

Depression does cause people to need more sleep. If she is a high achieving student it must have been devastating for her to have to miss a year. I can see why she was upset but wonder why you weren't told any of that beforehand. Was that perhaps because your DH is unsympathetic to depression?

This young woman might be part of your life from now on if he and she become serious about each other. I think it would be a good idea for you to write her a note wishing her well.

I think the depression is a separate issue though. They both behaved quite disrespectfully in your home. The door open while being naked is way out of order. On her part, lounging around in bed without any explanation would only be perceived as a bad mannered guest. She can't come into a household with a problem like clinical depression and expect that your family need to work around her. Why didn't she go to her own home knowing what she's going through. Your ds is very immature and I would be putting a stop to his gf coming over for many reasons.

Err - well - I would not be announcing my chronic illnesses to my BF's parents the first time I stayed at theirs - esp not if BF's father had "no patience" for that illness.

I'm a little bemused by what an "old fashioned" household is too - and also I think you were a bit mean to admonish her loudly from the hallway after your DS had asked you to be quiet. He asked you to be quiet, you should have just respected his request and done the hoovering later imho, esp since it was on the last day.

YABU solely for this comment she did not seem at all depressed. I am not at all surprised they/she didn't want to let you know about her private medical life.

Truffle fair enough if she doesn't feel the need to disclose her situation, but she can't walk into someone else's home and expect them to tip toe around her. She can do that in her own home!

OP you sound absolutely wonderful. Our world is filled with all this nowadays - so many people have some sort of MH issue....what are you supposed to be - a psychic? How on earth are you supposed to guess that your DS's GF has an issue? And what are you supposed to do about it any way?

My brother brought a similar girl home home when he was much younger...she slept all day long when we all wanted to get to know her. My mother had made an enormous effort for her (just like you no doubt) and was so sad to find this new important woman in her only son's life wanted to stay in bed all day. My mum felt so rejected and unimportant.

I have anxiety and depression (PND) and don't expect anyone to guess or make allowances for me. If I was your son's guest I would have been mortified for you to even know I had a problem so early on. You are his mother and enormously valuable.

As far as I am concerned it is your job is to be a good and welcoming mother to your son...and you appear to be that in spades. It is not your job to be any more than that until someone has won a place in your heart.

Don't give this a second thought. Your son is just trying to be a good girlfriend, and for the moment she will come first. All part of growing up.

OOI did they leave the door ajar because had a rule that your 19yr old son had to keep his bedroom door ajar with his girlfriend in there, or did they just not shut it properly?

I don't think that you have any right to the health information of your guests unless they choose to share it with you themselves, but on the other hand, your DS needs to understand that if you don't know, you can't make allowances.

If your son has been unsympathetic to your friend, perhaps he now feels embarrassed having experienced what it's like to be close to someone with depression first hand.

It is very unfair to make them sleep in separate rooms- and using the fact you have a DD as a reason why it isn't appropriate is a little hypocritical, I assume you and your husband have at some point had sex whilst the children are in the house?

Hoovering outside a person's room when you know they're asleep is really rude, especially a guest.

YABU for all the above.

I think you were extremely rude with the loud, pointed comment in the hallway. Your DS asked you to keep it down, why would you try to take out your displeasure on his girlfriend?

It doesn't sound like she expected anyone to do any tip-toeing though AuntyMag. The DS was the one who asked OP to keep the noise down on GF's behalf, OP escalated the situation by loudly making a rude remark.

OP has shown that she has a poor understanding of depression and we know her DH is unsympathetic too, so I'm not surprised at all that she maybe felt a bit on edge.

It's actually really fucking nasty of you to say that depressed people shouldn't expect to be tip-toed around and they should fuck off home if they want that - that is not at all what having depression is like.

There are a few red herrings here too - their behaviour in bed is nothing to do with her depression but rather to do with them crossing the line wrt to OP's "old fashioned" house rules.

Don't let those red herrings trick you into thinking that depression -> rude & delicate.

I have PND and take 150mg sertraline. I don't tend to tell people IRL so I don't expect special treatment either. If she wants people to be sympathetic about her depression she has to let them know, you are not a mind reader. Not sure if YABU about the spare room thing. My mum was similar with DH when we were that age. I've always said that I'll be more relaxed and understanding when my boys are teenagers but my eldest is 9 so I will probably change my mind when he is older.

We didn't get to share bedrooms in our parents house with our partners until we were engaged...their house their rules. Hasn't damaged me in any way at all. If anything it made sex seem more exciting (I am 40 now!). My parents did plenty else for the three of us (and our friends), so no resentment from me about their feelings about kids bedrooms in their home.

I'm a little bemused by what an "old fashioned" household is too - and also I think you were a bit mean to admonish her loudly from the hallway after your DS had asked you to be quiet. He asked you to be quiet, you should have just respected his request and done the hoovering later imho, esp since it was on the last day. What the actual fuck??? You cannot be serious trufflesnout you would expect op to not hoover at 10.30 in the morning so her bd's girlfriend/a house guest could sleep??? Not in a million years, I actually can't believe you are suggesting that, not a hope would I put away the hoover sat my cheeky son and his lazy girlfriend could treat my house like it was theirs

Op, I'm not sure whether of not they should have told you, I can see why she wouldn't want to but depression aside they were both exceptionally rude just for the being naked with the door open she wouldn't be in my house again after that anyway. If she/he is expecting you to make allowances for her behaviour then I guess they should have told you or else be ok with you thinking she was lazy and rude, your ds can't have it both ways really, he tells you and you make allowances or says nothing and you make the fair assumption that she's rude lazy, what else does he expect, you certainly can't blame you for making her depression worse, tell him your crystal ball was in for servicing and next time to treat you and your house with more respect

You need to accept they had a crap time staying with you because you behaved like you were perfect and righteous.

He asked you to be quiet and you gobbed off loudly and sanctimoniously.

Don't think you were unreasonable in not realising and carrying on as usual. Possibly her erratic sleep is due to the ads but he could have been more upfront without giving specific details.

They were disrespectful in hopping straight into bed, presumably your Ds had led her to believe it was ok though so your anger should be directed primarily at him. If she is missing the next year it will probably fizzle out whatever the intentions at this stage.

OP has shown that she has a poor understanding of depression Bollocks, she's supported her friend. OP has shown herself to be poor at mind reading, nothing more.

I don't think she has to tell you about her depression. I have a mental illness, part of which is severe depression. At the moment I don't work because I'm not able to. My DPs parents don't know. Nor will they know as it's not their business.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Exactly what Hedgehog said

browneyed she doesn't have to say about her depression, but if she behaves this way and doesn't want to be thought of as extremely rude, she would do well to explain.

As it is, depression is not a get out of jail free card for all poor behaviour. She may well have depression, but I think she sounds rude and immature as well.

Great, she's supported one friend with what she called a different kind of depression, and now she's qualified to help anyone with any variation of the condition.

lazy girlfriend

Depressed girlfriend. How nasty to deliberately call her lazy and perpetuate the misunderstanding of mental health problems.

It was not the GF who asked OP to stop hoovering - it was her DS. OP put GF in a shit situation by squealing about not wanting to stop hoovering, so GF presumably felt she had to justify the request OP's DS had made by explaining that she is ill.

Glad to see the nastiness about mental illness is still alive and kicking. Sometimes I can't quite understand whether people are just ignorant of what it's like to be ill in that way, or if there are just plainly quite that stupid.