To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

I would be cross with ds rather than his gf. She will be taking her understanding of "family rules/norms from him. She has never met his parents before. Son on the other hand needs a word.

I think the son should have told his mum that his girlfriend was unwell and needed to sleep in before they came to stay. They didn't have to disclose the illness.

I think she sounds lazy and selfish rather than depressed. If she was that depressed she would have stayed at home rather than stay at an unfamiliar place in the first place.

findthe

As a younger sister, I would much rather have happened upon my brother having sex than my parents- which is presumably what the OP was worried about with the door that was ajar.

And he has brought her home to meet his parents during the holidays- that's pretty much indicative of a serious relationship, isn't it?

Funny how as it's the son's friend, hoovering outside the room is totally fine. I wonder if you'd do it to one of your own friends, OP?

She's had a year off university due to depression, flamingoland. Bit mean of you to say she has nothing up with her.

I think that first year they're away, it's a bit odd when they come home. They've been able to do whatever they want while they're away and they like to make sure you treat them as adults. Sometimes that involves them acting a bit childishly rather than like an adult, because they just don't know how to behave as an adult yet.

My rule was always that while they were living at home and at school, any boyfriends or girlfriends had to go home at the end of the evening. Once they had actually left home, if they brought a boy/girlfriend home, they were just put into their room with them, with no questions asked. They have a sofa in their room and there's a spare duvet if I really wanted to pretend to myself that nothing was happening.

DH has no patience with depression so is no help

I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things

she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning

Depression can manifest quite differently in different people. You couldn't know she was depressed and if she wanted concessions made then some sort of heads up that she was ill and tired would have been good. But, she seems to me to be damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. You think it's good that your friend battles and does things, which may be what this young woman was doing when she first arrived. Consequently she didn't appear depressed and you seem to be questioning whether she was or not. If she struggles on she's not depressed enough, if she shows she's depressed it's not good enough because she's not battling to fight her illness.

Actually, she quite probably did seem depressed but you would need to know the signs very well. Excessive sleep is one of them (then again, it's also just something teenagers do).

As to whether or not she was made welcome. Well I'll take any excuse not to vacuum and knowing a guest is having a bit of a lie-in is as good a reason as any.

I think the mental health problemsyare a red herring here. The GF was rude, andyour son was too and he is manipulating you into letting him be disrespectful in tour home.

Her having depression is NOT a legitimate reason for the two of them to get naked in your home with the door open. THAT is very disrespectful.

I think the mental health problemsyare a red herring here. The GF was rude, andyour son was too and he is manipulating you into letting him be disrespectful in tour home.

Her having depression is NOT a legitimate reason for the two of them to get naked in your home with the door open. THAT is very disrespectful.

The GF can only follow the son's lead on what is acceptable in his parents' home.

I have suffered from depression.

I think your DS is being really unfair on you. He may be struggling to cope with his GF's illness, though, and taking it out on you. It's heavy stuff for a 19 year old to be dealing with

.. Yeah, the hoovering and the loud comment was quite rude.

I think she sounds lazy and selfish rather than depressed. If she was that depressed she would have stayed at home rather than stay at an unfamiliar place in the first place.

This sort of thing is why it's so hard for people with depression to talk about it. People call us lazy and selfish and see any activity besides hanging around alone at home as an indicator that were not really depressed at all. People with depression get on and go places and do things despite their struggling with their illness. Should we hide ourselves From the world and not go anywhere and stay at home just b/c were depressed? Doing that makes depression worse! and so does comments about laziness and selfishness. It's neither. It's an illness.

You wouldn't see someone having to take time out to lie down or staying in bed late b/c they have ms being called lazy. You wouldn't call a person suffering from low blood sugar b/c they have diabetes lazy. You wouldn't call someone selfish if they couldn't do something because of a migraine. Depression is an illness and a person can't just think themselves out of it because they're at someone's house or because hey have something they're supposed to be doing.

I'd bet the gf would have loved to have been able to get up and function normally and enjoy her time with her bf's family. I bet she was embarrassed that she couldn't. What she did was almond certainly not through her own choice.

I have depression and some days it's a real struggle to stay awake.

I can't switch the depression off its there all the time.

When ever I have guest then normal day to day things don't happen, I certainly don't go hoovering and polishing. The only thing I do is keep the house tidy and the bathroom spotless.

I am having a friend stay the weekend soon and if he wants to stay in bed till noon I don't care.

I think shagging naked with the door open - at 8 p.m. in the evening when others, including a 13 yr old, are around is beyond rude, whether it's the parental home or a student flat. Your son knew the score and should never have allowed that to happen. I'm surprised she would have been party to it, when she had only been there for a couple of hours, but if it was at her instigation why didn't your son put her straight?

Staying in bed till 10.30 as a guest, when your boyfriend is up and dressed is also rude.

He should certainly have warned you that she had health issues if they wanted to avoid giving such a bad first impression. It sounds as if he's a bit at sea about how to handle her illness, scared to do/say anything that might set her off.

Yes because getting naked in a stranger's home is precisely what someone with depression who is struggling with social situations needs to do to get through the day...

This whole encounter just seems a bit of a disaster. And I think you and your son need to take some of the blame.

Mental health 'issues' are not the issue here.

As a young person and a guest in your bf's house, you should be making polite conversation after dinner, certainly not retiring for an ostentatious shag. Equally you should be getting up at a sensible time for breakfast with the family and, ideally, even offering to help with chores a little (which I am sure would have been politely declined).

What kind of inverted values has parents bending over backwards to impress teenage bfs/gfs? It should be the other way around.

I know people who insisted on separate rooms before at least engagement (and we are talking children in late 20s). Those parents still have fantastic relationships with their children and children in law many years later. You can choose whatever rules you like in your own house and as long as you are decent and kind, those rules should be respected.

I think it's rude to sleep in all day when a guest in someone's house. A guest has certain obligations to greet the hosts, appear regularly, generally for in with the hosts. If she really couldn't do this and couldn't help it because of her health then either the DS or his GF should have explained this rather than embarrassing the OP by making her seem heartless and thoughtless by springing it on her as she's trying to go about her normal life

It would be just as rude if she'd caught flu and spent all day in bed feverish, without explaining the situation. They're both illnesses. Why should it be different for depression?

If I were staying with someone - under any circumstances - and they yelled something that showed they were very pissed off with me, I'd go home too!

Yes, depression does make you very tired & sleepy. Yes, it makes you poor at communicating. No, it's not reasonable to have to announce your mental health status to a bunch of strangers.

And you were a poor host. DS was a poor intermediary, too, but you're the one with greater world experience and you could have done everything much better.

Staying in bed till 10.30 as a guest, when your boyfriend is up and dressed is also rude.

How would she know he was up and dressed if they're not sharing a room and she's asleep?

'If I were staying with someone - under any circumstances - and they yelled something that showed they were very pissed off with me, I'd go home too!'

I agree with that Garlick