To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

CoupDetat completely agree with you!
I have invisible disabilities aswell as depression. I don't leave the house much as im anxious people think there is nothing wrong with me, i wonder why!

I too would love to know what 'depressed' looks like. I had it at 16 my family only knew about it 2 years ago when i was 30. Everyone thought i was this funny bubbly girl when really i was dead inside.
Just because someone has sex or watches films doesn't mean they are not depressed! Depressed people do try to lead some resemblance of a normal life to try to feel normal.
I spent loads of time with my dp at 16 when i were ill, as it helped to distract my mind from how i were feeling and to talk.
If i spent my time hidden away whilst i were ill then i would have spent the last 17 years not leaving the house and i would have gotten a lot worse, if that was even possible.

Should have been 4 years ago, not 2.
It shows how well i hid it though.
Only dps, and selected friends knew.
My work colleagues would never have believed it. If it hadn't been for good friends and dp taking me to their houses for few nights for company i don't know where i would be.

Mamiof3 Language (Timothy)...wash your filthy little mouth out with soap!

Floisme. My house my rules. When in my 20s and living with DP we slept in different rooms at his parent's house as they were religious and sex before marriage was a no no. Same when I was dating DH to be. At his parent's we slept in separate rooms until married. Not religious myself but I respect other people's views in their own home.

Two I don't think we can use our own twenties as a template. I never lived with my parents again after I was 18 so was free to experiment with sex in my own home - Because I had one. That was in the last century.

These days it can take years after uni to settle into a career. Young people won't get housing benefit or even the new minimum wage. They're likely to be yo-yoing in and out of our homes with their messy adult lives for years to come.

What are we going to do when our kids move back in for the third time at 24? My nephew has just had to do this. Are we really going to tell them 'my house my rules' and make them go out for a fumble in a car because the thought of our adult children having sex makes us uncomfortable?

If I was a religious Muslim or Catholic, yes. I'm not so it wouldn't apply to me.

I still think the nature of the GF's illness is beside the point. The person at fault here was OP's DS, for not letting the OP know that his GF was unwell. As it was, the OP grew irritated by her behaviour as she didn't know what was causing it, and upset her guest as a result, putting her in the embarrassing position of having been a less than perfect host through ignorance. This was her DS' fault, plain and simple. He caused his GF to feel humiliated and his mother to feel ashamed of having done her an injustice.

The fact that the illness was depression is irrelevant. If it was flu or malaria or fibromyalgia or anything it would be exactly the same situation: the OP sounds very kind and no doubt would have responded to being told she is ill with every effort to make her comfortable. No need to specify the illness, but the DS was absolutely at fault for leaving his mother in the dark about something likely to affect her behaviour so significantly.

Normally I would say he shouldn't tell you something so private. However he must have known she must have come across as just lazy so maybe should have discussed telling you with his girlfriend or even just told you what her sleep was like beforehand due to a medical reason or medication.
Having suffered very severe depression due to a traumatic incident I understand not wanting to get up. However I still had manners and wouldn't have behaved how she did.
You definitely have not made her depression worse and it sounds like they could be just using it as an excuse!
Also, depression definitely doesn't cause you to be naked in bed together! If they want to be naked in bed together day and night they should go to a hotel!
Yes your rules about having separate bedrooms is old fashioned but they knew this beforehand and if they didn't like it they shouldn't have stayed.
They've both been very rude and disrespectful. Depression is not an excuse for this.

All houses have rules. Most 19 year olds would be a bit put out if they invited somebody to stay and their parents stayed in their room all day, but naked, with the door open.

You would also annoy house mates of any age if you told them they couldn't get on with their day to day lives, but didn't explain why.

Are we really going to tell them 'my house my rules' and make them go out for a fumble in a car because the thought of our adult children having sex makes us uncomfortable?

No, but it is perfectly normal to spend your twenties in shared accommodation and most people don't want to know much about the details of their housemates' sex lives.

I think it was the lying naked with the door open that caused the problem.

There are enough people with depression and manners on this thread to make the point that, even with depression, you have choices as to how to expend your (limited) energy.

I suspect the sympathy for depression would very rapidly evaporate were the person lying in at 10:30AM an adult male in his own home and he was avoiding necessary childcare and housework. I have seen enough of that kind of thread to know what the opinion would be.

However the person is both young (albeit and adult) and female, so judgment is suspended and any excuse is acceptable to behave in an oafish manner. Guests in most houses have obligations in terms of being a well mannered house guest. If you choose to effectively use someone else's house as a free boarding house come shagpad, there is no reason you should be invited back.

merry the whole point of my post was that shared accommodation is becoming less and less normal for young people. They can't afford it. Example: my 24 year old nephew has just had to move out of a shared house and back in with his parents. He hopes it's temporary but he earns minimum wage. This is becoming the new 'normal'.
I agree they should have closed the door.
..
is is becoming the new normal.

Sorry for phone malfunction.

Whether you are sharing with contemporaries or parents there are always house rules.

Like most people I have lived and stayed with my parents as an adult and I know people who share homes with their elderly parents.

It's my understanding that nobody wants to become familiar with anybody else's sex life, and most people would be taken aback at being told not to hoover at 10.30 because somebody else wants to have a lie in. Illness is obviously different.

Agree about rules, compromise, consideration and closed doors. Don't agree with telling adult children who are sharing your home who they can or cannot sleep with.
I wont be responding to any more replies as need to get off this thread now!

YANBU at all!

Your DS should have told you if he expected you to be 'careful' with his GF.
They should also stick to our rules in your house and respect your wishes.
It doesn't matter if others are saying you are old fashioned or unreasonable. It is up to you what standards you set.
Your DS and GF have a choice,..they don't have to stay.

Of course we have to be considerate of someone with depression, but that does not mean they can do what the hell they want as a guest in someone's house,..someone who had no idea they suffered depression.

If it was my son I would have bollocked him.

Thank you NanaNina. There's some other stuff I would reply to, but it's like playing whack-a-mole, only with added frustration.

OP I'm glad you've decided to contact the GF. I hope it goes well. Agree with PP that it would have been easier if your DS had communicated with you, without breaking a confidence. Don't let him guilt trip you into thinking you made the GF's depression worse. My depression was undiagnosed for 20 years, so it's not like it's easy to spot!

I am actually sat here like at some of the nasty comments the OP has been getting. OP you did nothing wrong, you're not a mind reader and once you knew the truth you offered to help.

Nasty bullying from a lost of posters here today, it's shameful

also I think you were a bit mean to admonish her loudly from the hallway after your DS had asked you to be quiet. He asked you to be quiet, you should have just respected his request and done the hoovering later imho, esp since it was on the last day

Ha ha ha!! This mad e me laugh it is so ludicrous!

If I was getting work done and the GF was still in bed in MY house and I got told/asked by MY SON to be quiet in case I disturbed her,...The Hoover would have gone somewhere he wouldn't have liked!
Unbelieveable!

The door was not open though, it was ajar. To me that means maybe an inch or so open, like they probably thought they had closed it but hadn't quite.

The door was not open though, it was ajar. To me that means maybe an inch or so open, like they probably thought they had closed it but hadn't quite

If you were going to get naked and frisky,..I should think you would make sure the door was shut properly, unless you are a moron or a disrespectful brat.

Hmm, but if you are 19 and haven't seen each other for a while, and are trying to squeeze in a quickie because his parents are not happy for him to have a normal sex life, well then an ajar door is the sort of thing that happens.

And that's another reason why I'm happy for my student kids to have partners sleep over. Safely shut door, no fumbling with contraception, no walking in on anything dodgy in the living room, just adults given the time and private space to do what they want.

God, You talk as if people cannot control themselves! They are people not animals in season.
Who said they had not seen each other for a while?

If they are old enough to be in a sexual relationship, they are old enough to show some respect and consideration for others.

God, some parents go out of their way to be accommodating.

God, You talk as if people cannot control themselves! They are people not animals in season.
Who said they had not seen each other for a while?

If they are old enough to be in a sexual relationship, they are old enough to show some respect and consideration for others.

Generally speaking I think parents are able to squeeze in a quicky without disturbing their teenage children of 13 or 19.

Leaving the door ajar is not the kind of thing that happens if you are a responsible adult.

I think it is highly unlikely that anything would have been said if the sex had been managed discretely away from the 13 year old daughter.