To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

I'm utterly shocked with some of the responses on this thread. No wonder people (myself included) don't like to talk about depression. If my boyfriend's parents were like you there is no way I would dream of telling them I have depression! Gosh, your husband "has no patience"?! Just wow! Would he really say that about a physical illness? I'm pretty sure his gf wasn't staying in bed to be rude and calling her lazy is incredibly rude of you! Just because your friend manages to do things it doesn't mean DS's girlfriend can. There were times when things were bad I've stayed in bed for a week straight. It probably didn't help in the long run but it was all I could do to get through. Also sometimes I can feel fine for a while and out of nowhere, bam, it hits and I can't function. Perhaps that happened to his girlfriend? Perhaps the idea of being in a situation with new people overwhelmed her. I'm not surprised she went home after your rude comment. Fair enough you weren't aware of her depression but there are far politer ways of saying things and you certainly didn't need to say it within her earshot!

Regarding them being naked together, I think you need to separate the two issues. I don't think they are in any way linked to her depression! Sometimes it can be really hard when you've had that freedom at uni and you come back it can be really hard. I'm not saying it's right because ultimately they are your rules but why is the gf getting blamed for this?? Your DS is the one responsible for ensuring the rules are followed, perhaps she was just following his lead. Please don't try to blame her depression on them disrespecting your rules, it has nothing to do with it.

Why is the GF responsible for the shagging. The DS is equally responsible.

YANBU, you're not a mind reader and you seem to have been a really kind and lovely host.

Oh Smillas of course she knew that she wasn't meant to be shagging in the house, hence the separate rooms!

Who said anything about shagging? And if they were shagging or anything like it or thinking about it (yes, quite probable given nakedness), why is it somehow the GF's responsibility to make sure the OP's son abides by the OP's rules?

Plus I've heard of plenty of households where the teenage partners have to sleep in separate rooms in the interests of sparing the parents of having to think about their child having sex, while no rule about actually having sex existed. Instead it's all about facilitating continued cognitive dissonance.

Incidentally, while I think you can lay down expectations re. politeness and decorum, I'm not sure you can invite an adult guest and then lay down rules about them not being allowed to have sex with their own partner. Try that kind of controlling, naive crap with your own offspring, sure, but don't get angry at the adult guest who is not your relation to be told who not to have sex with and when...

She's 50% responsible.

But if I was meeting the parents for the first time I would be trying to make a good impression.

It's pretty clear that she had no intention of making a good impression. And the blatant shagging/whatever is making me think it's very unlikely that the sole reason that she wanted to lie in bed all day is because of her depression, rather than just the fact that she is a lazy student and rude guest who doesn't care what the OP thought of her.

"If they are so low they need time alone then they would not be a guest, they would be in their home"

So which is it? Should someone with depression get up and keep to a routine, because that's good for them? Or should they just stay at home out of everybody's way, because they can't possibly be a good guest?

What if she felt OK when she organised the trip and then felt ill and overwhelmed by the situation?

And I agree with PP, there are separate issues here. She needs to be cut some slack for being tired and depressed. Being naked with the door open is rude, IMO, but that is a separate issue and is at least as much the son's fault, if not more so.

oh get a grip Aye. If she didn't care what the OP thought of her I doubt she would've left after overhearing her incredibly rude remark! I don't think you quite understand that sometimes you can't get out of bed with depression, it's not about being rude or not wanting to make a good impression.

Aye

All she did 'wrong' was (with her BF) have a naked cuddle.

And get up late. Because she suffers from depression.

The rest of the time she was sociable and pleasant. The OP said so.

OP, you sound lovely.

I think this situation is just one of those things.

Yes, your DS should have told you more about his GF. I imagine the GF hasn't fully got her head around her depression yet, or thought your DS had spoken to you about it which is why she didn't say anything.

Don't let your DS make you feel bad, you have don'e nothing wrong.

Hello Faith - yes some of these comments show how much ignorance there is around the issue of mental illness. I think the posters who are saying it "doesn't do any good for depression to lie in bed" have never experienced the degree of depression that we have suffered (and continue to I imagine....)

It's all got muddled with the business of house guests and how to behave and "shagging" etc. What strikes me is that the Op said the bedroom door was "ajar" - so that could mean very slightly ajar and she took it upon herself to have a look into the room - she must have had a good look to see they were both naked! Did she pull the duvet off I wonder!

That feeling of never wanting to get out of bed is very familiar to me (and to many of us I know...........) those of you who have never had the misfortune to feel you want to withdraw from the world because of mental illness, just thank your lucky stars because you have no idea how fortunate you are - none at all. Amen!

I will be beyond excited when/if my son brings a girlfriend to stay and will do everything I can to make her feel at home.

I would never hoover if I had guests, no matter what their age or the hour of the day. Nor would I make loud remarks about them in their hearing.

I think adults should be allowed to make their own sleeping choices. You may say 'my house, my rules' but is it not still your son's home too? He's at uni so hasn't completely left yet.

I would have been mortified if a boyfriend had revealed my medical history to his parents the first time I ever met them.

Depressed people often don't 'seem depressed'. It's not like it's a rash.

They should have closed the bedroom door.

Of course you weren't unreasonable. I've had severe depression and still currently medicated. How would anybody know that if I didn't tell them?

The son is in thrall to his gf, it's natural. He isn't seeing things objectively either.

Only on MN are you horrible and insensitive for hoovering your own home.

Wow this was ironically very depressing to read for anyone who was MH issues

If people spoke about physically-ill people like that then there'd be outrage but she's obviously just lazy and rude...

If you have a house guest for a week, you can't never hoover when they are there...unless they go out, which isn't going to happen with severe
depression or anyone who stays in bed for most of the morning.

It may be her son's home, but she doesn't want obvious shagging in the house. I bet she's spent years trying to be discreet with her own sex life bloody hard when you have teenagersand now hopes for the same from her DS.

Well don't worry, Op. I expect next holiday they will stay elsewhere.

I've suffered two bouts of serious depression in my life. Only one was following a traumatic event. You would not believe the difference in understanding between that and the depression that had no obvious cause. I'd say they were equally debilitating though.

I would love to see the replies if the genders were reversed. Op you are not unreasonable.

On a lighter note, I can't believe how often some of you seem to hoover

Bloody good point Lucille

"I can't believe how often some of you seem to hoover"

I know. I can happily go at least a week without getting the vacuum cleaner out.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all op

Hi Nana Amen to that indeed! Think I'm going to go hide in the village now...

You're DS's girlfriend is entitled to keep her depression confidential, just as she would be with any physical health issues. You being her boyfriend's Mum or her being your house guest does not give you an automatic right to know.

However, your DS was unreasonable to expect you to somehow instinctively know that his GF was unwell and make adjustments to your household routine accordingly. You could reasonably be expected to guess that she had depression purely based on her sleeping in a lot. Perhaps your DS is finding the experience of supporting his GF through her illness somewhat difficult and was taking his stress out on you? This would be a good opportunity to discuss how he is coping with it all and offer your support.

I think the very fact that you describe your DH as having "no patience with Depression" ( as though other people's Depression is somehow a minor irritation or inconvenience to him rather than a serious and in many cases life-limiting illness) may be the key to why this information wasn't shared with you sooner.

It must have been very difficult for your son's GF. She revealed her Depression to you, not at a time of her choosing because she felt comfortable enough with you to do so, but because she felt she had to in order to defend herself against accusations of rudeness. I like a previous posters idea of sending a nice card/letter wishing her well.

Sorry, typo shoud have read "you could NOT be reasonably expected to guess"

My husband has bipolar and severe social anxiety. His meds knock him out and he feels like he has a hangover every single day, all day long.

He needs a lot of sleep or he goes downhill fast but I would hoover at 10.00 am and he wouldn't expect me not to as he realises that it isn't just him that lives here, and with children it would not be fair for them to have to be really quiet at that time.

If he was a guest somewhere he would also never expect to be able to lay in, and would be embarrassed if I told someone not to hoover at that time of day because he needs to sleep.

The gf was not the one who commented on it though, so I think your son was the unreasonable one. However, they both took the piss by being naked with the door not fully shut.

Your ds is BU and is showing an extremely limited understanding of MH if he believes your hoovering and insisting on separate bedrooms is the cause of his gf's worsening depression.

His gf is BU if she is allowing him to blame his dm for her worsening depression.

You are not BU. If your ds had told you his gf was allergic to peanuts you wouldn't have fed her crunchy nut cornflakes. If he had told you she was afraid of the dark you wouldn't have turned off the passage light. If he had told you she had a broken leg you wouldn't have suggested a brisk five mile dog walk before lunch. Likewise if he had told you she was mentally unwell you might not have hoovered, grumbled or have expected her to be up to joining in family banter.

OP YANBU