To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

[Blackandwhitedog]

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

You weren't to know. For that- YANBU.

But, I wouldn't tell a virtual stranger about my problems either- and I wouldn't be very happy if my partner did. He could of said she has a medical problem which requires her to sleep a little more. No need to go into detail, and YABU to do so.

As for the bedroom thing- your house, your rules.

Very well said Haffdonga1

What Haffdonga said - YANBU. If he'd said she needs to sleep in then you'd probably have let her but if they have only been out of the house one afternoon that doesn't give you much time to get anything done! You don't need a detailed medical history just a few clues from your DS would have helped.

I don't see a problem with separate rooms either.

Some of the replies and lack of understanding regarding mental health makes for sad reading. It's all well and good saying "a good house guest does this, this and this" but when you get hit by a wave of depression (which can and does happen at any time), it's not always possible to conform to social norms. No wonder there is still such a stigma attached to mental health issues.

Your comment was unreasonable and a bit mean, I can't imagine many house guests would have felt comfortable after over hearing something like that.

Them being naked in bed with the door 'ajar' was unreasonable, they should have closed the door fully. IMO I don't see why they couldn't have stayed in the same room, but opinions vary on that topic and ultimately It's your house so your rules. Personally I've never understood why having sex under your parents roof is somehow disrespectful (providing it's not obnoxiously loud etc). Sex is natural and healthy and they will generally find a way of doing it whether you like it or not.

I don't think she should have had to disclose her mental illness to a house full of strangers, but maybe DS could have said his girlfriend has 'health issues' which may cause her to sleep a lot. Then again he probably hasn't had much to do with depression yet, and as a result didn't really know how to handle the situation in a sensitive and tactful way.

I don't think the girlfriend was expecting anyone to make allowances for her, it seems like the DS was just trying to look out for his girlfriend.

Do you always lay down rules about whether guests are allowed to sleep together because it's 'your house?' Or do you let them decide for themselves because they're you know, adults?

Bloody hell, poor Op. The mental health issue is a complete red herring, the OP didn't know!!!!!!!

The OP didn't want them to share a room, so they shouldn't have, easy!

I would vacuum, whoever was in bed at 10.30!

Nobody is obligated to tell anybody anything about their health.

But if you expect adjustments to be made for health reasons it would be daft not to.

Adjustments cannot be made unless you know you need to make them

NO Lavender the mental health issue is not a complete red herring. It's the crux of the matter. I'm not blaming the OP but my beef is with all the posters who have absolutely no idea of the torment of depression and how sometimes it's just not possible to get up and be "normal" - it's not just being "fed up" - and for those of us who suffer from it, we are used to supporting and being supported by people on the MH threads, so it's been very upsetting to see so many MNs on her minimising mental health issues or refusing to accept how crippling depression can be - no wonder the stigma is alive and well in the 21st century.

Bloody hell this site is a parallel universe sometimes

what the fuck was she supposed to do, become psychic??

If anyone was shagging with the door open in my house with my child a few feet away id tell them to close the bloody door ! I wouldn't think for no reason at all 'oh god, they might be depressed or have other mental health issues, better not say anything'

My ds age 21 has never surfaced before 12:00 midday since about 15. If his gf stays (in the same room)they don't surface until 2. I don't expect it. I certainly wouldn't ever expect them to surface for a jolly family breakfast

This!

I've never understood the whole "10am is incredibly late and anyone who stays in bed past that time are either lazy or mentally ill" thing. Some people like to go to bed/sleep late and get up later. If it's not hindering anyone else then why the feck not? It doesn't mean that person doesn't pack everything in during the rest of the day. Getting up at 8am doesn't make you a better person.

Several studies have shown that some people have a different body clock rate and really are night owls. Some are morning larks. It's a real thing.

So balls to 10.30am being 'lying around in bed all day.'

Plus she's a teenager ffs and is depressed. What do you want from her? Dancing and trilling around your kitchen at the crack of dawn cooking an English breakfast aided by bluebirds and friendly mice?

Jeez. Give them some space.

But yeah. Nakedness with the door open isn't on.

Why your bloody ds couldn't just say 'please can you stop hoovering my girlfriend isn't feeling too great she's sleeping in' I don't know

She didn't expect her to get up. She was told to stop hoovering in case the girlfriend was woken.

My 18 year old dd is up before midday every day, normally before 8. A 21 year old incapable of getting up before 12 is strange does he not go to work?

I wouldn't hoover outside a guests bedroom unless I had seen them up and about, that's just rude, whoever they are they're a guest in your home.

For that ywbu.

How long is the OP supposed to tiptoe around her own home while the GF sleeps? All holidays? At a point, things need to get done, guest or no guest. And there comes a point where a guest stops being a guest, and just has to fit in with the rest of the household. If the GF wasn't there, and the DS was, I bet she wouldn't hesitate to get on with her day. Going to someone's house and sleeping until 12 and expecting the house to be silent while you do so every single day is rude, illness or no illness. If the DS was really so concerned about the OP not hoovering, he could have offered to do it himself later in the day when the GF got out of bed.

Op i don't think ya completely bu.
However you are for saying she didn't look depressed.
What does a depressed person look like?
Depression is not the same for everyone and doesnt need a life changine event nor trigger but still be as severe.
I also wouldn't disclose my medical history to anyone straight away.

Im really shocked and saddened by some of the ignorance on this thread.
The gf should have gone to her own home, she's lazy, she's clearly not that depressed etc
I thought we had come further with mental illness awareness?
I can be fine one day and then terrible the next, maybe i should just stay in my house all day everyday just incase?
I also happen to find that it has always helped to be around people mainly my partner when i am low.
Mh at any age is hard but especially when you are young!
Some days ill be up at 6others after 11. Yes routine can be helpful but on the worst days that can just be impossible.
It is not that you don't want to make an effort it's that you cannot do the things you want to do.
You feel exhausted, empty and constantly panicked.
I feel for this girl i bet she feels worse now.

It wasn't 12 though, it was 10.30. And from the way I've understood it, they were leaving that day anyway?

Focus less on the girl and more on your son and his bad behaviour.

1. Invites guest without giving you enough info to make them comfortable ( didn't have to tell you about MH but could have explained she's going through a rough time and needs some TLC) and then knowing her fragile state contributing to a tone of conflict and discord that must have increased her anxiety.
2. Naked in bed with door open - if he hadn't done it, neither would she - how did he imagine that was going to help GF create good impression or for you all to see them as two adults in a relationship rather than two children pushing the boundaries.
3. Further lack of respect for you/rest of family and gfs feelings including rudeness about hoovering - he could just stick earphones on the gf with soothing music/white noise whatever while you go about your chores. GF who probably isn't thinking or acting at her best due to her current distress is more likely to have left early because his attitude made her feel less welcome than you all were trying to make her.
4. Blaming you for his poor hosting and integrating new friend into the family setting.

The boy needs to grow up. Sounds like your DH isn't much of a role model or help on that score - old school thinking which your DS is picking up on.

But instead of a rant you could try the adult to adult rather than parent to child conversation and talk through all of the above with him - never once blaming GF but actually sympathising with her, expressing solidarity for the awkwardness of the situation DS put you both in and helping him face up to his adult responsibilities.

It's hard not to do shouty, cross and naggy mum but if you can keep calm and try a more coaching style of conversation that helps him come to his own realisation about how his behaviour impacted the situation. You'll be doing him a favour and demonstrating how you want your adult relationship with him to progress into the years ahead.

Who knows he may feel more able to confide in you in the future and come to you for advice. It can't be easy for him either - supporting his GF with depression will require some maturity and lots of new experiences. He's probably struggling too.

WaggleBee. I was going to make exactly the same points as you.

In my experience, teenagers don't surface much before midday and often later. I am a lark, but I don't expect everybody else to be the same. Most teenagers are owls and I think there is some scientific basis for this. I wouldn't expect them to be up and sharing breakfast with me - as long as there is politeness and some social interaction at some stage, then I think that is fine.

It is difficult when your first born becomes an adult in some respects, as the basis of the relationship needs to evolve, and it's all new territory. However, your son is a grown up now and I think you have to respect that, just as he has to respect you and your values, even if they are not the same as his.

What you want to avoid is alienating your son (I assume), by making him feel that GF is not welcome in your home. So I think you are right to be conciliatory and hopefully this will resolve itself in time, or he will have found another GF by then and you can both learn from this experience.

Well, sounds like they both had a fun holiday in Hyacinth Bucket's charming home. Candlelit fork supper anyone?

YANBU

It could well be the case that GF's medication interferes with/impacts on her sleep in ways OP has obviously not considered since discovering she is undergoing treatment, so I agree with PP that to bring the term "lazy" into it is unhelpful and stigmatising.

I'm a bit at this whole tone of depression being something that some people "have no patience for" in others, and just being OK. The "otherness" that OP is ascribed MH to the condition, and the outrage that she wasn't informed shows this to be an issue of control. OP doesn't like that DS has independence of thought and action on this and the fact that GF is not submitting to her (massively demanding and overbearing) house regime because of a perfectly legitimate reason.

Also OP - can I ask what difference separate bedrooms at home makes when they've been free to sleep together all year?

OP Yanbu.

RE the bedrooms: your house your rules. I was expected to do the same at that age and despite a bit of eye rolling I ultimately 'got it' and it didn't ultimately affect me at all! Re the nakedness with door ajar - beyond rude especially as a first impression.

Re the MH issues - I have every sympathy for the GF, having been in a similar situation once, and having been on ADs several times in my life. However when really bad (at my worst when I was 21) I didn't put myself in social situations where I knew I would be expected to function. I treated it as an illness: some days I might have been ok and would have got on with things, some days I knew to stay at home. There's no way during the height of my illness I could have contemplated going to stay at somebody's house - and expect them to assume I was well. I would have either ducked out of it or if it was a close friend explained briefly beforehand that I wasn't going to be myself. From my own experience I was hyper aware of the effect of my behaviour on others which made me worse however there's no reason to assume the GF is too if self-awareness isn't part of her general personality in the first place.

Op you weren't to know and I'm sorry you've had a bad time on here.

And btw doing a bit of hoovering and having some bedroom allocation rules does not make you overbearing. Pretty normal from my experience!