Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have told me about GF's depression?

252 replies

Blackandwhitedog · 16/08/2015 15:41

Have NC'd for this. Not sure whether to feel frustrated, angry, guilty or all three.
Teenage DS is home from Uni for the Summer. He told us a couple of weeks ago that he has a new girlfriend at the same Uni and would like her to come to stay- of course that was no problem at all. We might be old-fashioned but DS knows the score and we arranged for her to stay in the spare room.
She seemed very nice and we had dinner as a family but within a couple of hours of her arrival I found them naked in bed at 8pm, with the door ajar, just across the landing from his 13 year old sister. I took DS to one side later and said how unimpressed I was.
They watched films on her laptop until late every night and for the next 3 mornings the GF did not get out of bed until 12 (though Ds did at least get up a bit earlier and stayed in his own room). They went out one afternoon but spent the rest of the days hanging around the house. On the fourth morning I was hoovering and Ds asked me to be quiet as she was asleep (it was 10.30). I said, (probably quite loudly, I admit), that I was not going to tiptoe around so that his GF could lie in bed all day.

Soon after she emerged, looking very miserable, to say she was actually very ill and needed to sleep for long periods of time. She started crying and went off to be comforted by DS. Ds then explained that she has clinical depression. He did not tell me before and now blames me for making it worse. I thanked them for telling me, reiterated that she was very welcome in our home and asked her to let me know what she needed to and that would be fine. She left later that day however and Ds now blames me for making her depression worse. I have since found out she is on anti-depressants and is taking a year out of Uni. They are both at a very high pressure Uni.
DH has no patience with depression so is no help. I have a good friend who has been struggling with depression since she experienced a devastating life-changing event, but she has always battled to get up and do things, though I know sleep is an issue. I think hers may be a different form though as there was a specific very shocking trigger, whereas the GF has found coping with Uni difficult I believe.
Was DS unreasonable in not warning us, she did not seem at all depressed until the last morning, or was I? I feel pretty upset as I like to think I've always been welcoming to his friends and this obviously did not go at all well. How would anyone else deal with this situation and how should I handle it next time, if there is one?

OP posts:
Gabilan · 16/08/2015 18:51

"I think shagging naked with the door open - at 8 p.m. in the evening when others, including a 13 yr old, are around is beyond rude"

Good job that's not what the OP said then. You can be naked in bed together without shagging.

"As a young person and a guest in your bf's house, you should be making polite conversation after dinner, certainly not retiring for an ostentatious shag. Equally you should be getting up at a sensible time for breakfast with the family and, ideally, even offering to help with chores a little (which I am sure would have been politely declined)."

But if you have depression you may well not be able to do that. As PP have said, it's not something you switch on and off. When that cloud descends, you just might not be able to get up. We think of depression as mental but its effect are very, very physical. Sometimes I cannot get out of bed. Being told that somehow I should do this, or I'm rude not to, or I should but then if I do I can't possibly be depressed is the least helpful thing that can happen.

They should have alerted the OP to the problem, yes, but really some of the comments on this thread are quite eye-opening. And breath taking, but not in a good way.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 18:51

I find it bizarre how much flak the GF is getting when she's young, ill, presumably inexperienced and taking her BF's lead, while the DS is more or less being ignored or, even better, being portrayed as struggling as an extra victim of his GF's illness. Hmm

Garlick · 16/08/2015 18:53

What is all this stuff about guests having to be performing seals for their hosts??

I don't expect 19-year-olds to be especially well apprised of the Mumsnet House Guest Rules, particularly if the idea was just to hang out with their boyfriend at his folks' place.

And I'm quite sure that any House Guest Rules include making said guest feel welcome. Making them unwelcome is what you do when you want them to bugger off early - which is exactly what OP achieved.

Yarp · 16/08/2015 18:54

Smilla

Did you mean me?

whattheseithakasmean · 16/08/2015 18:56

But depression or not, shagging or not, they were in bed together naked at 8pm with the door ajar - that does not make anyone a good house guest, or suggest she cares enough about the Op's son to want to make a good impression on his mother. Depression is not a get out of jail card for that sort of behaviour.

Teenagers can be self obsessed and lazy and I certainly wouldn't be tiptoeing around one in my home without good reason.

MagickPants · 16/08/2015 18:57

To those who think it would be ridiculous to stop hoovering for a guest - would you think that if the guest was 50 too? isn't it polite to work around guests? Or is is something about these guests being considered to be children, who need to be chivvied into manners and so on?

If I were the GF I wouldn't have gone. I wouldn't have wanted to spend 5 days getting up at a "reasonable" hour (perhaps after not sleeping well in a strange bed) and being all peppy and perky to the older generation, and not being able to get close to the BF who invited me. I do think she was a bit U to think she could behave at yours for the first time as she would at home. but maybe she was missing her boyfriend desperately and hoped it would be ok.

FWIW I don't think you did anything "wrong" but you sound bossy, noisy, self consciously "active" and I would never want to visit you in a million years

whattheseithakasmean · 16/08/2015 19:11

I would think of the guests as 'young people' - I am resuming the son is still financially dependent on his parents, as he is at University, so it is a different relationship to any other guest. I don't think it sounds like the girlfriend was prepared to make any effort to be a pleasant guest. If you visit an active early rising house, then you will hear them in the morning. I wouldn't expect my hosts to change their lifestyle dramatically to fit in with me.

I am a lark, if I visit people who lie in, I keep quiet reading in my room until the rest of the house stirs, or slip out quietly for a walk. A good house guest fits into the houses lifestyle.

NanaNina · 16/08/2015 19:13

I haven't read the entire thread - I am aged 71 and my kids all slept with their girl/boyfriends in our house from the age of about 17 as far as I recall. But I accept people have different standards.

However I suffer from depression (which can be severe) and anxiety on an intermittent basis, or sometimes it changes through the day. I recall the OP saying she was fine at first and only a few days later was she miserable and crying - well that's very often the nature of the beast with depression. I can be absolutely fine one day, one week, two weeks maybe and no one would know there was anything wrong but then without any trigger I can wake feeling in the depths of despair. If I'm lucky my mood lifts later in the day............but mental illness is a complete torment and can only really be understood by anyone unfortunate enough to have first hand experience.

I think the conversation on the landing about the hovering made the GP feel very uncomfortable and that was why they left, but I agree with you Magik I would never put myself in that position. I hate anyone to see me (other than DP) on bad days, and when visiting one of my sons DIL and g/chrn in another country, I know I can always hide away in bed if I have bad days and they understand. There have been times when I haven't been able to get out of bed till late afternoon. It's pure hell.

larrygrylls · 16/08/2015 19:13

Whatthe etc,

Spot on. A house guest of any age fits in with the household in which they are staying, especially if they ever want a return invite. In return the hosts are polite, interested and keep the guest(s) well fed and watered.

That is the traditional way things work and it seems to be a tried and trusted formula.

NanaNina · 16/08/2015 19:18

whatthe and larry assume you are both fortunate enough never to have suffered from depression and so don't know the horror of waking up feeling empty, flat and unmotivated and just need to hide under the duvet as you are unable to face the day.

MrsCs · 16/08/2015 19:20

OP I think GF was rude. A lack of routine is in no way helpful with depression. Laying in bed will not help her. It is your home, hoover away!!

If you visit someone you should be a polite guest, up at a reasonable hour, polite and neat.

Orangeanddemons · 16/08/2015 19:26

I'm Shock at this thread.

My ds age 21 has never surfaced before 12:00 midday since about 15. If his gf stays (in the same room)they don't surface until 2. I don't expect it. I certainly wouldn't ever expect them to surface for a jolly family breakfast

Hoovering when a guest is asleep is the height of rudeness IMO. If my guests want to spend a day in bed, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 19:28

Yarp - maybe, I didn't look back to who said these things. I thought there was more than one post that suggested similar, though, and in the context of so many people claiming the GF is rude and lazy, the intent behind your post might have been lost for me. I can see that you probably weren't intending to portray him as blameless/an innocent, out-of-his-depth child and the GF as the problem, given your other posts. Not so for others, I would think.

BarbarianMum · 16/08/2015 19:31

Pumpkin my house my rules is clearly only for mother in laws. As your offspring get older they apparently get to make the rules Hmm

People may want to sleep all morning for all sorts of reasons but totally unreasonable to expect other people's households to grind to a halt because of it.

Gabilan · 16/08/2015 19:31

A lack of routine is in no way helpful with depression. Laying in bed will not help her. It is your home, hoover away!!

A lack of routine is sometimes inevitable with depression. FFS. Is this a competition to see how ignorant people can be? Sometimes if you have depression you cannot get up. It's not only unhelpful for someone to insist that you do, it's impossible.

Jesus wept. It's like I've wandered into a copy of the Daily Mail.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 19:32

I wouldn't expect my hosts to change their lifestyle dramatically to fit in with me.

Exactly how was the GF expecting anyone to change their lifestyle at all?!

And if you can't see the difference between wanting to sleep late without bothering anyone else because you're struggling to get up (for whatever reason) on the one hand and demanding that an entire household of hosts get up with the lark just to keep you company instead of sitting and reading in your room for a while on the other, I don't even know what to say.

The GF did not ask anyone to change what they were doing!

whattheseithakasmean · 16/08/2015 19:32

I wouldn't care if a teenage guest lay in bed all morning but it wouldn't stop me hoovering, or doing anything else, for that matter. My own teenagers frequently spend the more in in bed, and we certainly don't tipy toe around so as not to wake them.

Lying in bed as a house guest - a bit rude, but OK, really, as a teenager. Expecting the house to be silent while you lay in - rude and unreasonable.

Yarp · 16/08/2015 19:33

smilla

Yes, that's right. I don't think at all that the GF was rude and lazy. I am upset by the lack of understanding of depression on here

AyeAmarok · 16/08/2015 19:34

assume you are both fortunate enough never to have suffered from depression and so don't know the horror of waking up feeling empty, flat and unmotivated and just need to hide under the duvet as you are unable to face the day.

I know this feeling.

It has never once made me want to get naked in a new BF's parent's house, flagrantly disregarding the rules, and leave the door open so everyone knew exactly what I was up to. Not one single time.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 19:35

flagrantly disregarding the rules

When was the GF made aware of any rules?!

AyeAmarok · 16/08/2015 19:35

Lying in bed as a house guest - a bit rude, but OK, really, as a teenager. Expecting the house to be silent while you lay in - rude and unreasonable.

This!

AyeAmarok · 16/08/2015 19:37

Oh Smillas of course she knew that she wasn't meant to be shagging in the house, hence the separate rooms!

Come on, she's at university, apparently a good one, she's not Dolly Dimple.

MadrigalElectromotive · 16/08/2015 19:38

I notice that the OP hasn't been back...

Yarp · 16/08/2015 19:39

The GF didn't expect the house to be quiet.

The DS was showing concern for his GF.

MrsCs · 16/08/2015 19:40

Gabilan I have family members and friends affected by depression. If they are so low they need time alone then they would not be a guest, they would be in their home. They would not go to someone's else's home, in this case a virtual stranger, and use MH as an excuse to be terribly rude.

It is not ignorant to expect good behaviour.