To think DB is mean to be charging my DCs for a room we don't want in a holiday home

[TheReason]

DB has arranged weekend away for all of our family. We are meant to be splitting the cost.

There are 6 bedrooms in the house he is renting out. It's working out at approximately £200 per room as me, my DB and DSs are covering the costs of my parents room.

This is a lot of money for us as money is tight due to childcare costs. To be honest I wish we weren't going as we can't really afford it but we feel obliged.

We are the only ones with children.

DB booked the holiday home and - without asking us - decided our children need their own room. Our 2 year old actually sleeps in our bed all the time anyway. Our 6 year old sleeps in his own room at home - but, I would prefer he just squashed into our bed in the holiday home - as otherwise we're paying an extra £200 for him to sleep alone in a room. Chances are that our 6 yr old will end up in our room anyway as he often does and it wouldn't bother us at all.

DB has no children and has no understanding about what having children means.

DB texted me to tell me the breakdown of the cost and I saw that me and DH are having to pay twice what everyone other couple has pay as we have to pay for two rooms.

From DB's point of view he seems to think my DSs are 2 extra people that should be charged as anyone else attending is being charged.

From my point of view, I think it is mean to charge my DSs as adults. Of all the couples attending we actually have the least disposable income due to having the expenses of childcare etc.

If the roles were reversed and DB had children and I didn't - then I would expect that the cost would be divided out per adult.

When I was initially unsure about attending the holiday at all, DB made a big issue about how important it was that my DS's attend. Normally he pays them very little attention and is not really a great uncle for them. He calls over about once every 2 months even though he lives close by and has loads of free time. He seems to feel he has ticked some box by giving them a tiny bit of attention. He always buys them very very cheap presents even though he has no other nephews or nieces and has a very high income. All of this is entirely his choice but colours how I feel about him charging my DC's for a room they don't need

AIBU to think the cost of this holiday home should be divided per adult?

Text him and say that you are all really grateful for all the work he has put in but you think that the whole thing would be less stressful for everyone if you all booked a hotel instead and that you will ring him to discuss.

Then he has chance to a) feel appreciated and b) mull it over before you ring, so that you don't get a knee jerk reaction. Try to be upbeat about it. This is supposed to be a treat and it is giving everyone stress ulcers! Wouldn't he be less stressed, if you went for the simpler option of the hotel/spa?

Best of luck

It sounds like a nightmare - everyone coming and going at different times, lots of people who either don't want to go, or don't even know each other very well! What made anyone think this was a good idea, especially if your mum is going to be anxious the whole time?

When we've done similar for my parents, we gave them the choice of us booking them something (city break?) or just giving them the cash, they chose the cash and used it towards several trips away that they booked when it suited them - they were really pleased with this option, so I'd do that if I were you and leave everyone in peace

What !!!!!!!! I didn't see that coming.

I think you need a conference call.

A hotel sounds a much better idea.

I do feel a bit sorry for the brother

Look it depends on whether an innocent mistake or not - other people shouldn't be expected to pay for your kids that's true but equally perhaps he should have run the accommodation past you earlier - speak to him now please and don't let it fester or become a thing

I have been out in a broadly similar situation a while back - extremely wealthy SIL decided on everyone's behalf MIL would be having w/e away for her b-day - SIL phoned 5 months in advance to tell DH this was what was happening - given the circumstances of PIL at the time this was not a very good idea nor one MIL was likely to enjoy - but SIL is very high handed and everyone in DH family is slightly intimidated by her - I told DH at time I didn't think it was a good idea and that I thought perhaps we should do something seperatley or book our own hotel - but was ignored - SIL always organised any joint family events and that was that- anyway despite demanding we go over months in advance SIL left it til last day to book the hotel and booked very expensive rubbish hotel (all that was left by that point) which we then had to pick up cost for - both cost of our room and a share on PIL room - plus the cost of flights as we live in a different country - plus cost of very expensive meal - obviously we paid - SIL did not run cost of hotel past DH she just booked it then expected us to share the cost and be enormously grateful to her for her effort - DH bloody furious at the time - mostly because he felt an awful lot of our money had been spent for very little benefit or enjoyment for MIL. The whole episode caused a lot of bad feeling in the wider family and sort of put an end to joint events as SIL just hacked everyone off with the way she did things

but DH learnt a very valuable lesson - do not let SIL (or anyone) plan things which cost money if they are likely to do it without thought or consultation - so after that DH politely declined any of SIL offers of organising joint events or presents and just generally did not go along with her ideas quite as readily. SIL a bit of a horror unfortunately - I am really hoping your DB has just made an innocent error of judgement and that it can be resolved before it becomes a problem

Really what sort of person expects children to contribute to a room they are not going to use anyway. It's ridiculous and mean and sounds like your DB is taking advantage. I bet this would be a very different scenario if and when he has children.

Since your brother hasn't paid the deposit yet tell him not to bother, it's not working for some of you. Book a hotel instead, you would all be much happier.

Just thought I better pop in before this gets too out of hand.
Jean just wants to say "Ta very much", but she doesn't really like pot noodle and will bring her own cupasoup instead. She is however partial to a croissant at breakfast and wonders if she needs to bring enough for the OP's family as well as the DB, the DB's partner and the DSister's BF too? What about the mean DB and the parents, do they like French baked goods?

Cheers for thinking of us 3little, it's much appreciated.

Oh good god! It's not even booked & no-one's comfortable with the arrangements?

How about you book a hotel for your DPs & share the cost four ways. Then everyone else books & pays for the room they want for the length of time they want it.

Life's too short to fall out with family over something like this.

A PP suggested just giving them the money, tbh I think I'd do that at this point. Sounds like too much drama. Then I'd book a £40 Sun/local paper holiday to recover from said drama.

In all these pages of the thread, in all the emails and conversations about this stupid weekend away, has anyone fucking asked the parents what they actually want?

They may want a weekend far away from the whole lot of you!

It doesn't sound like anyone actually wants to get together, including the parents so I'm not sure why a hotel would be any better. In six months you'd think that one weekend would have been possible, that it hasn't doesn't really suggests a family that prioritises their parents or gets on with one another (let alone all these new boyfriends/girlfriends).

I presume that you don't usually see each other much OP? A face to face discussion between the four of you would be the best way to find some resolution. A conference call isn't a bad idea (I've done them with my siblings a couple of times and it was really nice, although granted we do all like each other).

I think the best bet would be to book a weekend away for your parents with the gift money that anyone can join if they (and your parents) want to.

Seems a bit sad because in theory at least it's a really nice idea to get you all together.

budgiegirl brilliant, btl/holiday let landlord slinging the insult "freeloader" around willy-nilly...how about "parasite"? "Extortionist"? Maybe even "Hypocrite"? Hilarious.

BobnJean I think I'm a little bitin love! tell Jean the French baked goods are a lovely offer.

I agree, you need to ask your parents what they want.

It seems to me the brother is organizing the holiday he wants. While it's good of him to organize things, everyone is paying a lot of money so he needs to consider everyone else's needs too, not just bully everyone into doing what he wants.

Can I just stick up for DB a little bit? It's bloody hard organising something to suit everyone, he is having to please parents, 3 siblings and their partners (some of whom don't know each other) and 2 nieces and nephews, 12 in total. Not easy. He may well think he was doing the best thing and rather than hang draw and quarter him, I would if I was the OP, just try and talk to him alongside the sisters.

Where does it say that the parents aren't keen anyway? If that's the case, why are you all putting yourself through this?

I'm trying to organise something with my siblings and their partners. I have offered ummm 9 dates, at the moment we are up to the middle of November and no firm date yet found. It is not easy and we all want to see each other and get on well. From what has been written on here, there is a big undercurrent in the family which is a recipe for disaster.

I know it's nice of DB to be putting the effort in to organising it and I know it must be very annoying with a large group - but to be honest I am really fed up with him over the whole thing

He is really pressuring everyone to go for the full 3 days but people either don't want to do that or have other plans or work commitments.

I don't think it's DB's place to be emailing my DH and DSis's boyfriends demanding they come and trying to make them feel guilty.

He told DH that he had go as DPs mind our DCs so we owe our DPs. I think my & DH's relationship with my DPs is our own business. We are pretty nice to my DPs I like to think - we have a normal relationship.

DH told DB he didn't want to be involved in this and to stop emailing him. DH told DB he needs to contact me in future. It was the tone of DB's email which really winded DH up.

DH can't make it down one of the days due to essential work commitments that can't be avoided - but DB is not happy about this.

I don't think DB should be demanding my DCs come in order to be the centre of attention - but then be making us pay a double share because they are there.

DB knows I have had a difficult year involving serious illness but he seems to think there is no excuse for this holiday not being sorted out sooner. I've had so much on my plate this year that this holiday was not even in mind until recently.

Next year I think we will either get individual gifts for our DPs or else I will organise a weekend away on a hotel and if people want to go they can and if they don't that's ok to.

Well I was confused before and now my friend's DD appears to have changed her name and posted another massive drip feed.

3little how about you and your, lot me and Jean go by ourselves? Anyone else? Mind you if there are any problems Jean's the first one to pick up the phone and call to sort it out, what with her being a grown up and all that!

budgiegirl brilliant, btl/holiday let landlord slinging the insult "freeloader" around willy-nilly...how about "parasite"? "Extortionist"? Maybe even "Hypocrite"? Hilarious.

zazie. Read the thread carefully before criticizing. I've never used the word freeloader, and I'm not, and never have been, a holiday let landlord.

I suspect your DB feels you and your DH should make the effort for the parents as they do your childcare- to a degree that is none of his business, but it does rankle when grandparents are used as freebie childcare and other adult children in the family can have a different perspective to the people getting the free child care. So actually I can sort of understand why he approached your DH.
He may also feel you should some of the cost as you get so much out of your parents for the rest of the year. Again probably a distortion

But you really aren't coming out of this as someone who isn't grabby.

Wow. I have RTFT and only just realised the damn house hasn't even been booked yet!

OP the answer is simples - just tell DB you aren't happy , nether is your Dsis or her BF and therefore you aren't going to go. End of.

OP, given that the weekend hasn't been booked and doesn't seem to suit many/any of the participants, why don't you all just meet up for e.g. a picnic instead, and give your mum and dad the gift of a weekend away on their own?

One of the many here who said split evenly, i.e. 25% each, and I am still sticking to that.
I suggest a nice holiday / short break, for your parents, and a family get together for a meal, either before or after their holiday.
What is planned sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially for family relationships. Pull the plug now, before any deposits are paid.

Ooops
I did name change half way through as I thought I was done with this thread - but then stupidly posted on it again!

I often name change as I have a serous illness so I when I post sometimes I think I am identifiable if combined with other threads

I think DB's expectation that OP's family pay more is even more unreasonable in light of the fact that he must have known they wouldn't be able to take DS out of school so would only be there part of the time. Definitely time to call a halt to this, sort out a conference call with all the siblings and make arrangements for a hotel.

I RTFT, for what it transpired to be worth. Since the cottage was a hybrid of gift and holiday, the amounts paid should reflect that. Fair neither for you to pay double, nor for your siblings to subsidise your family; after all, I assume when the idea was first mooted, you thought it might be a reasonably enjoyable trip for the 4 of you, as well as a nice gift? I think it implausible to suggest that you hated the idea from the start, and knew that it would make you, your DH, and your 6 and 2 year olds miserable, but decided to go along with it for your parents sake? Of course not.

Thus the charging mechanism lies somewhere in the middle, as a shade of grey, like most things in life.

Then we find out the "only available" cottage is not even booked yet! Which speaks volumes as to everyone's commitment to the plan.

I doubt your nervous DM and golfing DF particularly aspire to a rainy long weekend mooching round in an overcrowded cottage playing Twister and Monopoly with the various GFs and BFs that they don't know well, while refereeing petty sibling squabbling over whose milk has been used to make the tea, while trying to distract squawking and overtired children due to them (not) sleeping 4 in a bed.

Kindly steer your poor parents away from this looming familial disaster, and tell DB to book them into an upmarket lodge, and they can FaceTime you if they can be bothered to speak to any of you during their break.

bunch of muppets