To think DB is mean to be charging my DCs for a room we don't want in a holiday home

[TheReason]

DB has arranged weekend away for all of our family. We are meant to be splitting the cost.

There are 6 bedrooms in the house he is renting out. It's working out at approximately £200 per room as me, my DB and DSs are covering the costs of my parents room.

This is a lot of money for us as money is tight due to childcare costs. To be honest I wish we weren't going as we can't really afford it but we feel obliged.

We are the only ones with children.

DB booked the holiday home and - without asking us - decided our children need their own room. Our 2 year old actually sleeps in our bed all the time anyway. Our 6 year old sleeps in his own room at home - but, I would prefer he just squashed into our bed in the holiday home - as otherwise we're paying an extra £200 for him to sleep alone in a room. Chances are that our 6 yr old will end up in our room anyway as he often does and it wouldn't bother us at all.

DB has no children and has no understanding about what having children means.

DB texted me to tell me the breakdown of the cost and I saw that me and DH are having to pay twice what everyone other couple has pay as we have to pay for two rooms.

From DB's point of view he seems to think my DSs are 2 extra people that should be charged as anyone else attending is being charged.

From my point of view, I think it is mean to charge my DSs as adults. Of all the couples attending we actually have the least disposable income due to having the expenses of childcare etc.

If the roles were reversed and DB had children and I didn't - then I would expect that the cost would be divided out per adult.

When I was initially unsure about attending the holiday at all, DB made a big issue about how important it was that my DS's attend. Normally he pays them very little attention and is not really a great uncle for them. He calls over about once every 2 months even though he lives close by and has loads of free time. He seems to feel he has ticked some box by giving them a tiny bit of attention. He always buys them very very cheap presents even though he has no other nephews or nieces and has a very high income. All of this is entirely his choice but colours how I feel about him charging my DC's for a room they don't need

AIBU to think the cost of this holiday home should be divided per adult?

I have been looking at holiday cottage companiies' T&Cs. They all say that if the cottage is over-occupied the owner reserves the right to evict the whole party.Therefore the DB had no choice but to book 6 rooms.
The OP is being unrerasonable to expect everyone else to subsidise her.

She didn't ask for the children to go. Her brother insisted.
In fact, the op could suggest he pays for the children's room

Jean and Bob have got to now I have my heart set on it!

I know...poor Jean and Bob, they're packing already :-p

Ah, so where was this co-sleeping two year old going to be billeted?

But where are the children going to go if they do go with the OP Lweji? That's the bit I don't get. The OP hasn't said anywhere that they can stay with her ILs, despite several people mentioning it. So I suspect that's not an option.

I think the insistence from the brother is a bit of a red herring because there is nowhere else for the children to go except on the holiday but the OP doesn't want to admit to that. And as she acknowledges, her parents have provided a good deal of unpaid childcare (much more than £200/worth) so perhaps her siblings all think it's fair that she coughs up for the room that her family will be using.

I think DB hasn't even considered the cost implications and has been a bit thoughtless, and you OP didn't really help when you went back to him with your 'we can't afford to pay unless we do it in instalments' speech.

He was not unreasonable to presume you needed somewhere for the kids to sleep. You were not unreasonable to presume you'd be paying 25% of the gift. Neither is he unreasonable to expect that you'll pay something for the kids to stay, and neither are you to feel it's unfair that they pay a full adult share and a share of the siblings' gift.

A co-sleeping toddler/baby is free in any hotel. A 6YO would normally pay half costs.

Thus, 10.5 people staying in the house, at £1000 total would be 95.24 each if all were paying.

Your 6YO contributes £47.62 as a half person share.

Your DPs share (190.48) is split between the 4 siblings =47.62 each.

Thus each sibling plus partner pays: 190.48+47.62 = 238.10

Plus you pay the £47.62 for your eldest =285.72

It's £115 down on what your DB requested and it is absolutely fair based on hotel rates. Further I'd copy in your sisters on the email with the calculations stating that you were unaware that they all felt that your children were being subsidised by the family to such a degree and henceforth they will be left at home rather than risk further unpleasantness.

She didn't ask for the children to go. Her brother insisted.

She could have said no, he can't make her take them.

I really do feel a bit sorry for the DB, he's gone to the trouble of organising all this, it's really impossible to please everyone. He may not even realise that he's effectively overcharged the OP for the grandparents share, after all the OP didn't realise until it was pointed out on here.

The other alternative is to say that you can't afford it and not go at all:
DPs share of the £1000 with only 8 adults in the house would be £250.
25% of that would be £63.
Send the money for your 25% and a nice bottle of wine, then never participate in anything your DB organises again.

I have asked where the DC would stay if OP didn't take them but she didn't answer, I suspect that nobody else is available to look after them.

While the holiday is a present to the OP's parents, it's also presumably a holiday to the people joining in. I would take the parents' costs and split by the number of siblings, then everyone else pays their share.

The number of rooms required (either by the occupants, or what the owners require to avoid overcrowding) should logically drive the division of costs. Whether kids are free or not in a hotel is irrelevant - you can book as many or few rooms as you choose, they don't come in a lump sum.

Unfortunately, he booked a 6 bedroom without consulting you. He should have asked. He probably wishes he'd never taken on this task.

There are some mean gits on Mn. The brother even asking the Op to stump up double is being an arse - is his name Ebenezer by chance?

Add message | Report | Message poster slithytove Sun 16-Aug-15 15:15:57
I have an idea.

The house rental is the gift, yes? Which op and siblings normally split 4 ways.

Give details of it to parents. Tell them there are 6 bedrooms and they can invite who they want.

Job done.

^^ this

Then, I'm sure they will invite you and DC.

I see Tigger has suggested same - perhaps put it to your brother like this?

A co-sleeping toddler/baby is free in any hotel. A 6YO would normally pay half costs.

IT IS NOT A HOTEL SO COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT
(and even hotels require everyone to have a bed)

Wayne she has said, several times, that her in laws would be able to take the children if they didn't go. So it is certainly an option.

TendonQueen - show me A SINGLE post where she has said the ILs would be able to have the children. She hasn't.

What she's said is that she likes going away with her ILs more because they sub the lower earning members of the group whereas things don't work like that in her family.

Oops, I thought she had but others think not? Maybe it's the repeated refs to that by others I'm thinking of? Clearly I haven't drunk enough today.

OK, so my plan B, after asking inlaws if they would have children for the weekend and them saying no, would be to pay the £250 for the quarter share of the Christmas present and say that sadly you can't afford to come as you have no childcare for the children.
And again let DB explain that to your parents..

All this should have been sorted out when the idea was mooted. It's stupid of the OP to assume that her siblings would sub her family to go on a weekend away. Because that's essentially what she's asking for - that she bears no additional costs for needing space for two members of her family. And I know that 2 YOs can be squished in a corner but you can't squish in a 6YO.

And it's bloody August. How on earth has it got to 8 months after the present for the OP to start dealing with this? She should have had the discussions before the gift, rather than after (and too late to cancel/rearrange). I think she has been hoping that her siblings will sub her and is massively pissed off that they won't.

I have to declare an interest here - I am one of three - my other siblings children are 27 and 17 while mine is 8 (I'm also a single parent). For years, we split the costs equally on holiday houses between the children. So they got massive double rooms (and en suites) and a room for their DC and I got a crappy single child's room. Sometimes I even had to sleep with the now 27 year old (I am 50). But because I was single and had no kids, everyone thought that was absolutely fine.

It's really not. And the level of vitriol directed from the OP towards her brother is pretty grim - she is really angry because he doesn't buy expensive presents for her children and doesn't sub her because she's got kids and a job that pays less than his. I think that's a massively fucked up dynamic and that is what is at the root of all this - the room costs are kind of irrelevant really.

But actually, maybe they're not. Maybe the sibling have asked if the parents can water plants/would like to come to dinner or an art exhibition but been told that they can't do that because they're looking after the OP's children.

There's lots and lots we're not being told here.

I was talking to DSis1 today
She is also very unhappy about this holiday

The holiday is booked for 3 nights. I can't make one of those nights as DS1 is in school and will only be down late on the Friday after DS1 finishes school

DB had originally tried to book the holiday for a weekend in the summer holidays but we already had booked something else for the particular weekend he suggested so couldn't make it - but we're free almost any other weekend

DB was annoyed we couldn't make that weekend as it suited everyone else. We told him we could do any weekend in September but DB wanted to keep September free for himself as he 'might' be booking a holiday.

DB was annoyed with us for not being free in August. We were in turn annoyed at him for expecting us to cancel our booked plans - to accommodate his potential plans.

We didn't tell him we were annoyed though.

Eventually he realised September was free for him so he booked the weekend for September. I was expecting a 2 day weekend but DS booked a 3 day weekend - thurs night to Saturday night. DSis1 said she was also expecting a 2 day weekend.

We can't make the thurs night as DS1 is in school and we can only come down on the Friday evening.

DSis1 said DB is putting huge pressure on her to bring her boyfriend for the full 3 days. He only wants to go for one day as he hasn't met my parents that often and 3 days is a bit full on for him. There is not much to do in that area - except one activity - so the rest of the time we'll all be there looking at each other - or looking at my DCs who seem to be there to entertain everyone.

DSis2 can only attend for the first 2 days. Her boyfriend tried to only attend one night - partly because he has to go to work - but also because one day is enough for him. DB was very unhappy with this and I think he contacted Dsis2's boyfriend direct to pressure him into coming. He's agreed to go for 2 days now even though he'd prefer the one day

DB and his new girlfriend will be spending the full 3 days there. I feel a bit sorry for the girlfriend as 3 full days with not much to do is a bit much. Obviously that's her choice though.

DM does not yet know DSis1's boyfriend and DB's girlfriend very well. She gets quite nervous meeting people she's not very familiar with so I don't think it's good for her to be forced into a situation where she feels a bit tense for so long. Her nervousness is a beyond standard nervousness. She gets through it though - but is on edge. It's not really a relaxing break for her.

Myself and DSis1 both would prefer if we were all going to a nice hotel as people could escape off to their rooms if they wanted a break and then meet up for dinner and drinks etc. We could bring DM to the Spa. DF likes golf so if we went to one with a golf course that would be something for him to do.

DH and DSis1 both said I'm not to ask DB if the house is definitely booked and to see about changing our plans - because they think he will get annoyed as he has been trying to organise the weekend for a while. DH and DSis1 are both very fed up with DB over this whole thing.

However, I did text DB as I feel if there's any chance to try and save this weekend its worth checking. As it stands nearly everyone is unhappy with it - and DB is unhappy because people are pulling out and trying to limit their time there.

I texted DB and just asked is the house booked and he replied to say he hasn't paid the deposit yet but it's due very shortly

Tempted to suggest the hotel option. It would be better from nearly everyone's point of view. I could annoy him though - but to be honest he's annoyed a few people by unexpectedly booking a 3 day weekend instead of 2.

I know we should have sorted this out before it became an issue - trust me this will never happen again- but I had a lot of personal issues last year including serious illness which meant this holiday went totally out of my mind until recently.

Your poor DB!!

I feel very sorry for the brother as whatever he does it'll be wrong.