To think DB is mean to be charging my DCs for a room we don't want in a holiday home

[TheReason]

DB has arranged weekend away for all of our family. We are meant to be splitting the cost.

There are 6 bedrooms in the house he is renting out. It's working out at approximately £200 per room as me, my DB and DSs are covering the costs of my parents room.

This is a lot of money for us as money is tight due to childcare costs. To be honest I wish we weren't going as we can't really afford it but we feel obliged.

We are the only ones with children.

DB booked the holiday home and - without asking us - decided our children need their own room. Our 2 year old actually sleeps in our bed all the time anyway. Our 6 year old sleeps in his own room at home - but, I would prefer he just squashed into our bed in the holiday home - as otherwise we're paying an extra £200 for him to sleep alone in a room. Chances are that our 6 yr old will end up in our room anyway as he often does and it wouldn't bother us at all.

DB has no children and has no understanding about what having children means.

DB texted me to tell me the breakdown of the cost and I saw that me and DH are having to pay twice what everyone other couple has pay as we have to pay for two rooms.

From DB's point of view he seems to think my DSs are 2 extra people that should be charged as anyone else attending is being charged.

From my point of view, I think it is mean to charge my DSs as adults. Of all the couples attending we actually have the least disposable income due to having the expenses of childcare etc.

If the roles were reversed and DB had children and I didn't - then I would expect that the cost would be divided out per adult.

When I was initially unsure about attending the holiday at all, DB made a big issue about how important it was that my DS's attend. Normally he pays them very little attention and is not really a great uncle for them. He calls over about once every 2 months even though he lives close by and has loads of free time. He seems to feel he has ticked some box by giving them a tiny bit of attention. He always buys them very very cheap presents even though he has no other nephews or nieces and has a very high income. All of this is entirely his choice but colours how I feel about him charging my DC's for a room they don't need

AIBU to think the cost of this holiday home should be divided per adult?

In my experience, 'people' for the purpose of rented cottages usually means adults and if not there is a cutoff age under which children are not counted.

Including the children in the numbers in his head when booking the house is one thing he should have checked that the OP needed two rooms however but changing the '25% each' payment arrangement is another entirely. It was supposed to be equal payment from all and no matter how many bedrooms were booked, no matter how expensive or luxurious the accommodation was, everybody should pay 25%.

I agree. Anything different should have been discussed by DB pre booking.

I haven't read the whole thread but I can see both points of view. There seems to be an undercurrent of sibling rivalries here.

However, I think that for your parents' sake you need to 'suck it up' or the occasion will be ruined for everybody, and there will be a strained atmosphere, which defeats the object. Is it really worth falling out over £200 (or less if the costs are re-apportioned)?

Just chalk it up to experience and maybe cut down on the Christmas present to your parents - give them a handmade gift from your DCs instead, which will recoup the extra money for the break and will probably be more appreciated.

If my brother expected me and DP to share a room with 2 of our DC i would think he was being very unreasonable. OTH he wouldn't expect children to contribute to grandparents costs.

Completly the opposite Wallypops, don't think you've read anything on here!

OP's DB has offered her 2 rooms for 4 of them (parents and 2 DC) She doesn't want it and wants to sleep in one bed with her DC.

I admit that I haven't read every single post on here.

It's a tough one and I'm on the fence with this. You are assuming that the bed is going to be big enough for 4 of you. Not every holiday let has king size or super king beds. If it is just a bog standard double bed do you really think four of you are going to get any sleep all crammed into one bed?

The other points have already been covered.

In my experience, 'people' for the purpose of rented cottages usually means adults and if not there is a cutoff age under which children are not counted.

Really? IME the number given means maximum occupancy regardless of age, and refers to the number of beds available, not the number of adults. Sometimes a rental property details may state that an extra child's bed or cot is available, but it shouldn't be assumed to be the case.

If your statement is true, I only need to rent a property that sleeps 2. That's great, but then where will my three children sleep? They're too old to be in the bed with me

We count every person in a property, down to babies in cots, we had two adults and five children once - they wouldn't have fitted in a one bed apartment!

I do think the room occupancy stuff is irrelevant. I would be surprised if a six bed property didn't sleep at least 14 plus cot.

But yes it sounds like the op is not looking forward to it, didn't want to bring her kids but has been railroaded into it by her db. And they are all only going for the benefit of the parents. Not because they don't want to spend time with the parents but because there is at least one strained relationship among the siblings. In which case the only people that benefit from getting "the whole family" together is the parents.

Have none of you been in a situation where the parents themselves engineer something like this (and pay for it all) so they can get to spend time with all their adult kids together, when that may not otherwise happen? I certainly remember a particularly painful weekend or two. And in those cases it has always been the parents that paid, because to be painfully honest they are the only ones that wanted or enjoyed it, and it was the only way for them to get everyone to attend together. So in this case it is the same as if the dps had organised and paid for the whole thing( and no, I wouldn't expect them to ask for contributions) except the gift is that the siblings have organised and paid for it themselves for the benefit of the parents. Given the apparent tensions I would say this is a very thoughtful gift, but it cannot be complete without the attendance of all parties. If the gift is the parents room ( eg 40-50 quid each) then op could say she cant afford to come and just pay her share of that. But it is not just the room. The gift is the whole house filled with their loved ones. The value of £1000 is in line with the usual joint Christmas presents. The value of the room would not be. This isn't an all inclusive holiday to the Caribbean, it is a weekend in the UK with sparring siblings. Tbh it doesn't sound like anyone except the parents would want to go if it wasn't specifically designated a gift and attendance compulsory. Op didn't want to bring the kids, but db has made it clear their attendance is part of the gift, so op has to bring them. I can completely see why she would not want to pay double as a consequence!

If this were a group of friends and no present involved, ie everyone wanted to go for their own benefit, then all the stuff about rooms and heads and occupancy would be relevant, buy in this case it is a gift to the parents of a house filled with their dc and gcs. The cost of the present needs to be split evenly just as it would if it were a £1k tv

Have you spoken to your brother OP

I deserve a medal! I have RTFT!!
This is my logic on it -
OP & siblings put £250 each together and gift OP's DP a 6 bed house for the week, there are then 5 extra bedrooms to invite who they want (Jean& Bob from no. 23 etc)
DP's say 'oh what a lovely gift, why don't you 4 & partners come, it would be lovely to spend time together, OP, you will bring DC won't you, it won't be the same without them'

This is essentially what has happened, OP's DP want them all there including DC.
In this situation does the OP have to reimburse siblings for extra room because DP chose to invite the DC too?
I think not.

Good idea tigger

great summary tigger

(sorry the smiley makes that look sarcastic. i mean it, honest)
op, thats a great way to present it to your siblings

Tigger, that was a much better way of putting it!

No it won't!! -gets giant wooded spoon- because they would only normally give £200 each so there a £200 short fall and the DC didn't contribute to the gift .....

Oh my god I have just finished reading tft, through night feeds and early morning rises and.... there is still no outcome! ! Looking forward to update!!

Reading Tiggers post would make me change my opinion (originally in the 'spilt the cost of the gp's room and pay for you AND the children' camp) but only put how Tigger put it becuase it doesn't look grabby. This way it truly is about what the gp's would like and not about who pays what for who and who is the richest.

Would love it though if gp's did take Jean and Bob from no23 though suspecting the op would too.

I agree with Tigger.

You should all pay 25% each. The gift to your parents isn't the bloody building, it's the family holiday which includes the children who your parents will want there! The whole thing is ridiculous. I don't understand why he hasn't just quartered the bill and told everyone their share, it's totally illogical to do it any other way.

I too have RTFT and this thread is brilliant

OP I'm another one who agrees that you and and your siblings should pay 25% each of this gift.

It sounds like you a jealous of your DB and expect him to sub you.

Most holiday cottages will NOT let you over-occupy so your DB had to book the extra rooms. He is quite right that you should pay more as your family needs to rooms (you may not think so - but that's what the owner thinks and is usually a requirement of the insurance)

He is BU to spilt the parents cost by person - it should be by family.

I think someone has suggested leaving the children in a previous post?
I would tell DB that I will pay 25% of the cost of the cottage, as that was the Christmas present. If he disagrees and says the children need to pay then just say that they will stay with your in laws, where they would probably have a better time from the sound of things, and then when your parents ask where their dgc are DB can explain :)

I read the whole thread too (and did the maths all the way through)

The way that Tigger expressed the joint-gift it is absolutely spot on!

The weekend booking of the house is the gift (shared equally between 4 siblings = £250 each). Of course the parents could invite Jean and Bob from no23 - and I hope they do. Of course they could invite their children and grand-children to enjoy the holiday weekend with them.

I don't see why the DB is making such a mess of this relatively simple task other than suspecting he is a grabby person

Dear DB,

I am confused by your recent message regarding cost allocations for renting the house. We all agreed to pay for a weekend in a holiday house for DPs. The cost of that is £1,000 which we agreed to split 4-ways. We each owe £250 to cover the costs, and then it is up to DPs to agree who they would like to have with them.

We will only require ONE bedroom so DPs could invite Jean and Bob to join us and use the spare bedroom if they wish to.

Let me know if you want my £250 by cash or cheque.

Love TheReason

Why aren't the sisters getting any of the blame for the unfairness? If they thought the brother was being unfair, wouldn't they have said so?

And the OP hasn't said anywhere that her children can stay with the ILs for the weekend. So there won't be room for Jean and Bob :o