To think DB is mean to be charging my DCs for a room we don't want in a holiday home

[TheReason]

DB has arranged weekend away for all of our family. We are meant to be splitting the cost.

There are 6 bedrooms in the house he is renting out. It's working out at approximately £200 per room as me, my DB and DSs are covering the costs of my parents room.

This is a lot of money for us as money is tight due to childcare costs. To be honest I wish we weren't going as we can't really afford it but we feel obliged.

We are the only ones with children.

DB booked the holiday home and - without asking us - decided our children need their own room. Our 2 year old actually sleeps in our bed all the time anyway. Our 6 year old sleeps in his own room at home - but, I would prefer he just squashed into our bed in the holiday home - as otherwise we're paying an extra £200 for him to sleep alone in a room. Chances are that our 6 yr old will end up in our room anyway as he often does and it wouldn't bother us at all.

DB has no children and has no understanding about what having children means.

DB texted me to tell me the breakdown of the cost and I saw that me and DH are having to pay twice what everyone other couple has pay as we have to pay for two rooms.

From DB's point of view he seems to think my DSs are 2 extra people that should be charged as anyone else attending is being charged.

From my point of view, I think it is mean to charge my DSs as adults. Of all the couples attending we actually have the least disposable income due to having the expenses of childcare etc.

If the roles were reversed and DB had children and I didn't - then I would expect that the cost would be divided out per adult.

When I was initially unsure about attending the holiday at all, DB made a big issue about how important it was that my DS's attend. Normally he pays them very little attention and is not really a great uncle for them. He calls over about once every 2 months even though he lives close by and has loads of free time. He seems to feel he has ticked some box by giving them a tiny bit of attention. He always buys them very very cheap presents even though he has no other nephews or nieces and has a very high income. All of this is entirely his choice but colours how I feel about him charging my DC's for a room they don't need

AIBU to think the cost of this holiday home should be divided per adult?

551 posts and no closure! And the DB is away on a short break!

The outcome is that there is no right answer. Only what people can agree to do and what the op is prepared to do.

I'm not sure why you keep saying that your DB insisted your kids come on the weekend away - what were you planning on doing with them otherwise?

As pp have said, you should split the cost of your parents' room equally between the siblings but you can't expect your siblings to sub your family. What if you had 7 kids and they had none?

Surely this should have crossed your mind before now if you were going on a holiday. After all, if you went on any other kind of holiday, you'd expect to pay more if you took your DC than if you went on your own with your DH?

I haven't read this full thread of 23 pages. If you feel very strongly just opt out and say you're not going and not paying. He should have asked you before he confirmed the booking if you wanted the extra rooms. It does seem unfair you are paying double for two children aged 2 and six.

I've got a bit of sympathy for the DB. My DH has no children of his own (mine were teenagers when we got together) so would have no inkling of what children needed, birthday presents etc. In addition, as it's unlikely an infant would be able to discuss the intricacies of the NFL, it would be unlikely he would choose to spend much time with them. He does have a niece and nephew now, but it's mainly me that instigates any visits, babysitting etc. He adores the DNiece & DNephew - just doesn't have much of a clue.

So I don't think there is necessarily any malevolence in DB's actions. He's booked the house as a present to the GPs who will obviously want the whole family there. He's divided up the cost by number of rooms taken, sharing the parent's cost in proportion - he might not even have thought it out.

I agree it's unfair that the OP is paying more towards the parents' room than others.

I do think she is being a bit disingenuous saying they will all fit in one room and therefore should only pay the 25%. IME children travel with so much kit it's unlikely you would fit it all in one room - you need overflow somewhere whether that's a spare room or taking up space in the "communal" areas. Kids also take up more room and make more mess than adults. I really don't think it's fair to expect that they should "go free".

The earning and spending of other parties is irrelevant here. What it comes down to is - does the OP want the GPs to have a nice time. If so, she deals with the situation now, accepts the outcome, and makes sure the weekend goes smoothly for everyone.

This is one of those stupid threads where therr are two perfectly legitimate ways of seeing a situation. Both are right depending on how you choose to see it.

You will find no consensus.

The gift to your parents is that you are paying for their room. Your own lodgings are surely completely separate, unless you all think you're so wonderful your attendance is part of the gift.

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you.

I still don't understand why people are calling it a holiday - OP isn't going on a holiday, they've rented a holiday cottage for their parents & siblings & are all splitting the costs between the 4 of them - £250 each.

OP is happy to pay her 25% & is able to leave the kids with HER parents if needed, but her BROTHER insisted she bring them & now wants to charge her 2 x 20% instead of 1 x 25% - that's unreasonable - HE'S the one who wants them there.

Why should OP HAVE to bring her children if they're already struggling for money, thus increasing the cost of the house rental by a further £150 - that's outrageous!

OP - email your siblings, ask how to pay your share of the present at 25% and leave it at that.

Good luck!

Rab x x

Travelling with my children is definitely a holiday for no one.

Umm Rab, the OP's parents are going to be on the holiday. So if she leaves them with her parents, they're going on the holiday.

Oddfodd - my bad - then she can leave them with her in-Laws :D

Rab xx

If your brother had X large number of kids and you needed a much bigger house would you still want to split the cost by 3?

I think your brother assumed you'd want a room for the kids and for this reason searched for a house with 6 bedrooms. I think you'd almost certainly use the room if no one else did (which they probably won't), either you and your husband will send the kids off to the 6th bedroom or one of you will go there with one of your kids.

Your message should probably be, let's search for a cheaper 5BR house.

When has the OP said she can leave them with her ILs? If her 2YO sleeps with them, it's unlikely she'd be able to leave them with the GPs for the weekend. And it would be bloody odd to leave them behind.

This is exactly why I've stopped going on holiday with my sister and her 3 sons. She seems to think only adults should have to pay... For instance, me her and her DC go on holiday.. I should pay half. How about no.

Much fairer when I went away with a friend and her child abroad, kids went free in the hotel, flight cost was split three ways.

Op definitely did say she could leave the children with the ILs.

I can't understand why op hasn't emailed db yet. If he's so rich surely he will be able to access emails on his smart phone and get back to her?

I think some posters are missing the point slightly. I totally agree that on a shared holiday children are included in the head or room count for split costs.

But here what has happened is that weekend away was presented as a present for GPs where:

• Siblings normally split the costs 4 ways at £200 per sibling

• DB seems to have booked the cottage without consultation on cost, peoples budgets or bedroom requirements

I don't think OP is helping herself with emotive chat around getting her toddlers to hand over money, or ill concealed jealously of the DBs income, but taking all that aside, I can now see that it isn't an unreasonable assumption from the OP that costs would be split equally.

If she presents that in a reasonable fashion to DB and Dsis, then hopefully it will all work out well. I suspect however that it will go rather differently with OP being angry with DB and accusing him of trying to rip her off and nice idea of time together for GPs will be spoilt. Time will tell.

I also think that if an equal split is agreed then OP should not use the 6th bedroom, unless this is agreed by all the other siblings.

nurnoch's post at 18:41 sums up my view - she puts it better than I do!

No I'm not calling DB on his break away to discuss his. I'll wait until he's back

Hufty your attendance is part of the gift I actually think it is- my understanding is that this has been organised as a nice treat for the grandparents to spend some time with all their adult children, and the gcs. I think the gift is to get everyone there and attending is part of that. So I don't think op should pull out, although she could say she wont bring the kids if it costs her more to do so- at which point her db will realise the gcs attendance was an important part of the gift and hopefully rethink the split to recognise that it is a present, not a holiday.

I agree with Hufty's comment. yes, the parents benefit because they get to spend time with their children and grandchildren, but the OP is getting a holiday too. I don't understand how part of the present to someone else can be coming on a holiday yourself? Pay for yourself and your own children, and split the cost of the parents' room, as well as the cost of the parents if you eat out etc.

Look at it another way - if friend number 1 and I want to treat friend number 2 to a birthday dinner dinner, but I have a partner and friend number 1 doesn't. There are four adults at the table. When the bill comes, I would expect that my partner and I cover our share, friend number 1 covers her share, and friend 1 and I split the cost of the birthday girls' share. I wouldn't expect to divide the whole bill 50/50 between friend 1 and I. Why on earth would I expect her to subsidise my partner??

You wouldn't get to bring two children completely free on any other holiday, so why on this one? It would maybe be easier to book your parents onto a luxury cruise for the week without you there to moan at having to pay your way for you and the children you chose to have. If you didn't go, then you could book another holiday for yourself, husband and children. The problem with that though is that there would be noone around to subsidise your children, and you'd have to pay for them yourself. Your plan to get your brother to subsidise them lets you off the hook, and it sounds like he's not falling for it. Your other posts about him not buying your children expensive presents show that you have a real sense of entitlement, but sorry, they're YOUR children not his!

YANBU, OP. Your brother is mean. It's ridiculous, his suggestion, mean spirited as well as tight. I totally agree you should only pay £250; as NurNoch and bedraggled say, this is a present from the four of you to your parents, not a holiday in the usual sense.

He's got more front than Harrods, that one.

This isn't some holiday I'm really looking forward to going on. I would never have picked to rent out this over priced house - or go to that area. It's not my thing. There's nothing in particular for my children to do there - but I'm agreeing to go as it's part of a joint gift from the 4 siblings to our parents - it's to make my parents happy.

The gift to my parents is a chance for them to spend time with the whole family.

To be honest I think both BILs would prefer not to go too - but we're all going as my parents would enjoy it.

I would much much prefer to use the money to go away to stay in a hotel (where my children would either stay free or for a reduced rate due to their ages)

I'm agreeing to go for my parents sake.

Your brother is being horribly mean.

The correct and proper thing to do would be to divide the total cost by adults only.

Villa rental is not like renting a hotel room, it is a total cost whether you use 1 bedroom or all 6 bedrooms. You should not have to pay an additional cost because your kids may use one of the bedrooms.

If your kids were not going with you, there would be no reduction in price for the fact the villa was being used as a 5 bedroom instead of a 6 bedroom.

In most hotels, you can have two kids under the age of 12 stay for free. So you are not being unreasonable to feel the kids could sleep in your room with you and your DH.

As your DB is calculating the cost on bedroom usage, I would have no qualms telling him that your kids will be sharing your room therefore you will only be paying for 1 room, it's not like you are going to be all cramped into a room for two weeks, it only 2 nights. I know my kids love when we all get to share a room.

Freaking - if you went on a villa holiday with friends and they had 5 kids and wanted 4 bedrooms and you only wanted 2 so needed to rent a 7 bedroom house, would you really split the cost 50/50?

I doubt it.

TheReason - if you don't use the room at all, I think you can argue for a 1/4 split each. If however you will use the room, then you should pay for it.

But really, if you couldn't afford this (very generous) present for your parents, then you should have said at the time the idea was being discussed. Surely as you have 4 people in your family, it would have occurred to you that the 'spare' room was for your children?

He has calculated the room allocation correctly, a family of 4 equals two rooms. Which does cost extra money. Would it be okay for a couple to say they don't need a room, they will camp in the garden instead? Not quite the same I realise, but similar.

Hotel rooms generally operate the same way, families have to book rooms according to fire regulations - not how you can squeeze children into a room.

Db, doesn't necessarily want the kids there, just knows his parents will.

n most hotels, you can have two kids under the age of 12 stay for free. So you are not being unreasonable to feel the kids could sleep in your room with you and your DH.

Only if this is stated in the booking details. As has been stated many times upthread, all holiday rentals have a maximum occupancy, you can't just shoehorn extra kids in as you like. Some will accommodate children in parents rooms, some won't.