To think DB is mean to be charging my DCs for a room we don't want in a holiday home

[TheReason]

DB has arranged weekend away for all of our family. We are meant to be splitting the cost.

There are 6 bedrooms in the house he is renting out. It's working out at approximately £200 per room as me, my DB and DSs are covering the costs of my parents room.

This is a lot of money for us as money is tight due to childcare costs. To be honest I wish we weren't going as we can't really afford it but we feel obliged.

We are the only ones with children.

DB booked the holiday home and - without asking us - decided our children need their own room. Our 2 year old actually sleeps in our bed all the time anyway. Our 6 year old sleeps in his own room at home - but, I would prefer he just squashed into our bed in the holiday home - as otherwise we're paying an extra £200 for him to sleep alone in a room. Chances are that our 6 yr old will end up in our room anyway as he often does and it wouldn't bother us at all.

DB has no children and has no understanding about what having children means.

DB texted me to tell me the breakdown of the cost and I saw that me and DH are having to pay twice what everyone other couple has pay as we have to pay for two rooms.

From DB's point of view he seems to think my DSs are 2 extra people that should be charged as anyone else attending is being charged.

From my point of view, I think it is mean to charge my DSs as adults. Of all the couples attending we actually have the least disposable income due to having the expenses of childcare etc.

If the roles were reversed and DB had children and I didn't - then I would expect that the cost would be divided out per adult.

When I was initially unsure about attending the holiday at all, DB made a big issue about how important it was that my DS's attend. Normally he pays them very little attention and is not really a great uncle for them. He calls over about once every 2 months even though he lives close by and has loads of free time. He seems to feel he has ticked some box by giving them a tiny bit of attention. He always buys them very very cheap presents even though he has no other nephews or nieces and has a very high income. All of this is entirely his choice but colours how I feel about him charging my DC's for a room they don't need

AIBU to think the cost of this holiday home should be divided per adult?

Actually the number of rooms really does matter because most cottages will insist on a certain number of rooms for a certain amount of people (including infants and children ) therefore for eg at centerparcs my 3 year old may want to sleep in a bedroom with his DSIS and DBRO but actually that is not allowed for insurance reasons and an extra room will HAVE to be booked and therefore I will have to pay for that.

It all depends on insurance and fire regulations - you can't just stick 10 people in a house and elect to use whatever number of rooms you choose - there will be a minimum of rooms that they will allow - in this situation probably 5 rooms. So in that event -it doesn't matter whether they are children or adults - it is the number of bodies in the house that counts - and 2 of those bodies are the financial responsibility of their parents - nobody else.

I think we'll just buy our own food and drink. DB eats a lot and will probably expect my toddler to pay an equal share for food. Easier to avoid his meanness and do our own shopping

If he only had a choice of a 6 bedroom, the number of rooms should be irrelevant and he should split up it all in 4, effectively. If anything, a small extra charge for the children, as they take up space, and will use water, gas and electricity too.

Whatever happens, never again agree to something that you don't pre-approve. Or book whatever yourself.

And keep in mind in such future bookings that children are an extra cost that may have to be factored in and make sure what is being arranged is very clear, if you can't afford it.

It sounds as though you need to include all of your siblings in the discussion,not just your brother.

Perhaps you could suggest to them all that you don't have the budget to pay twice as much as everyone else, and you won't have the extra money in the future, so can only afford the £250 originally agreed. However, you and DH will draw straws to decide which of you can attend the weekend with which one of the children.

So next years gift is a £1000 tv, and because OP has children, the three sibling pay £200 each and oP pays £400? It's a gift. It should be a nice family holiday for the family to enjoy. DB is sucking the joy out of it for OP. 25 percent or walk away, giving GP some spending money for their trip.

This is one of those threads that has me completely baffled.

The brother doesn't sound at all mean to me, he's just not that into other people's children (normal) and doesn't see the need to spend loads of money on expensive gifts for no reason (also normal). He's organising a lovely treat for his parents and trying to ensure that everyone who his parents love the most will be there. That's not the actions of a mean person.

Of course you should pay more OP, the place chosen has had to be booked on the basis that there's two children staying as well as the relevant adults, wherever you choose for them to sleep. So obviously, paying for that is your responsibility, what with them being your children. Your siblings aren't being mean spirited by not wanting to pay for what is your responsibility, and frankly you sound ridiculous by saying that your brother is expecting your children to pay.

You admit that your DBS lack of interest and generosity is clouding your judgement, but especially as you recognise that, it just makes you sound grabby. Neither you nor your children are entitled to material/financial generosity just because your brother has a higher income and less outgoings than you. Your expectations are unreasonable.

Ptolemy you missed the point that the rental is a gift from 4 siblings to our parents and the initial plan was to split the cost 4 ways we do every year.

Anyway Im too tired to keep explaining that bit over and over - off to sleep now

Fair enough my brother is not interested in my children and usually forgets to buy them Christmas presents or buys them something extremely cheap even though he is rich

Yes - that's his choice - how wonderful!

The only reason i brought that up was because he was the one who insisted I bring my children on this holiday even though I didn't really want to go. It's because my parents would like to have them there. And then when I agree to bring them I see they are being charged a huge amount to attend

No - YANBU - email him & your sisters, explain that the cost of the present divided by 4 is £250 & that's what you're paying. You'll buy your own food for you, hubby & kids and that way you can manage on your budget.

I'm sure your sisters would agree with you - don't let him guilt you into paying more!

Good luck

Rab x x

OP YANBU sticking to paying a quarter in the circs is fair. I'd say differently if it were a family holiday where it would be reasonable to expect a family of 4 to want 2 rooms. No way would I sleep in the same bed as my 1yo and 4yo. I'd never pay £200 per room per night that's a lot.

I get that there is history with your B being mean etc. I think with siblings it's easy to guess what they're up to. I have a mean rich dsis but I would deal with this kind of situation by being straight up. It's strange you agreed to the arrangement and now backing down. Still never mind, better you agree to split cost equally rather than you pull out all together.

Stop going on about his income and how great and generous your ILs are, it's not relevant.

I'd see it that you were all going away together, and the part that was paying for your parents share was the gift that should be split four ways, not the whole cost of the trip. So perhaps you shouldn't be paying quite as much as you're being asked to, but the vast majority of the cost you are paying is completely fair.

Even if he insists that the children come, it's still your decision. No one can insist on anything about your children, you as the parent have the ultimate control. But either way, why wouldn't you want them there for a family gathering, especially as this is a treat for your parents and you know that they'd want their grandchildren there?

He must have Tought of having the room to yourself while away.

DB wanted the kids there, maybe he should pay their share?

I don't think it would have occured to most people that you might not need two rooms, so although I sympathise, I think yabu because if you wanted to keep costs down by squeezing into one room, you should have said before he booked. He will now have booked a bigger cottage on the assumption that your dc will need a room.Also, if you can't afford to go then you need to say no - that's not his fault.

I think it's thoughtlessness rather than active meanness. I think you need to alert all the family to the fact that you are struggling financially and therefore are not able to pay a larger share of the cost than every one else and then let them come up with solutions themselves. It just hasn't occurred to them which is often the way when people are financially OK and don't realise how significant an extra £200 can be to some people.

It's funny actually, how these things work within families. In my family (and, OP I don't mean to make you feel worse) we argue about who will pay for what the opposite way - everyone insisting on paying. I have had my (now late) father arguing (but amiably) with DH because my dad wants to pick up the tab for the whole of a meal out, and DH trying to chip in, I have arguments with mum about her wanting to always pay for the dc, and Im saying 'no I'll get this' then her, "no I'll get it, I am their GM!". On group hols they never really expect us to pay extra for the dc if we're in a villa - in fact, although normally we will a bit extra in 'for the dc' - last time DStepdad paid for the whole villa and wouldn't hear any argument. We paid flights & spending money only.

I do think OP's brother may be being a tad stingy - like he's spotted a way to include OP's dc as a 'paying group' and under the circumstances it can only be as a way to save the money himself - since it was initially proposed as a present to the parents split equally between the siblings.

I think that in this instance, given what the weekend is about, it should be split 4 ways.

However, when I was single I got absolutely fed up with feeling like I was taken advantage of by my best friend (no longer best friend).

She had two small DC and whatever we did she would expect me to half the bill with her. A week in a 3 bedroomed cottage - I had a single room and she had a double and a twin- needed the double incase the children got up and went into her room. I paid half the rental and had 1/5 of the bed space. Meals out - not just then- I was expected to pay half. Christmas, birthdays, I was expected to buy presents for her and each of them but only got one back. It was not the money that upset me, it was the feeling that I was being taken advantage of. It caused a real problem for me and in the end I just broke the friendship off by letting it drift.

I do think parents should not, usually, expect others to subsidise their children.

But on this occasion there was an agreement that the 4 siblngs would treat their parents so I think it should be split 25% each.

I have never paid per person in any self catering holiday cottage I have rented in any country - ever!

And I have never shared with anyone who splits the cost to include the children - always per family equally.

Bizzare behaviour, and mean. Tell him to sod off

I agree with Rab. Just email them all and say that the gift is to be split 4 ways between the siblings so you will be paying 250 pounds. Don't mention rooms or occupancy.

You hold all the cards here. If they say no then either leave the kids with your inlaws or pull out all together.

The whole fact that you keep talking about how rich your brother is and how mean he is that he isn't paying towards your children is why you are making me feel that you are the grabby one. You have twice as many people as anyone else, why should your childfree siblings have to subsidise you?

You chose to have the career and therefore the income you have, you chose to have two children, you chose to use childcare. Their choices are different. You are expecting them to pay more to cover your lifestyle choices.

There is no way I could go on holidays with you. You would drive me insane as you try and work out how much each person is eating and making sure you and your precious offspring are getting their fair share, or more.

Op

I think you are adding things together which don't go together and are muddying the waters.

How your brother treats your children normally has nothing to do with this
How much your brother earns has nothing to do with this
How your in laws behave v your family has nothing to do with this

If you are hurt by how your family generally behave keep that seperately and address it at another time

I'd ask how sure you are that your bro couldn't have rented a smaller cottage if your children weren't included in the numbers. A feeling this was the only house available or definite because that does change the situation.
Children from 2+ count as an extra person in a cottage no matter how unlikely in rl.

I'd stick with something simple.
Hi siblings
I only expected to pay 25% of the price quoted and therefore expected to pay £250. I wish you had let me know earlier that there was an extra cost expectation as I really can't afford anymore and could have made this clear at the outset
See you soon, love etc OP

You can give them an extra ££ as a token to cover the children's room

Please don't start fighting over food etc as it will spoil the holiday for your parents

The whole fact that you keep talking about how rich your brother is and how mean he is that he isn't paying towards your children is why you are making me feel that you are the grabby one. You have twice as many people as anyone else, why should your childfree siblings have to subsidise you?

I kind of agree with this.

Your siblings income really isn't your concern.

Whilst it may not be the case in this instance, when I was single I used to get fed up of subsidising children.