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Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 15/08/2015 18:36

Going into the house of someone you know to be struggling financially clutching a birkin is of course insensitive and arguably the first (albeit unintentional perhaps) jab in this argument. Her lashing out at you wasn't nice and she has an apology to make there but instead of then showing some sensitivity and being the bigger person, you proceed to get excited about your bag with your other friend. You then say some very hurtful things to your friend and walk out.

Both unreasonable but on balance you are more so. You need to apologise (which hopefully she will do in return) and show some sensitivity in the future.

CluckingBelle · 15/08/2015 18:42

You said at uni your friend often bought you food shopping and meals out. So you know what it's like to not be able to afford food.

If I could not afford food and my friend came around with a new handbag worth more than I earn in a year, I may well feel upset and inadequate, and then may make an uncalled for sarky comment. I would be in the wrong. If said friend then started squealing in excitement showing off the handbag to someone else while still in my home, they would be in the wrong. And even more so if they proceeded to tell me about myself.

SugarOnTop · 15/08/2015 18:42

i think you should leave it to her to contact you....afterall she kicked off with you when you went to visit! i also don't think you should apologise for the home truths, she obviously needed to hear them.

her financial state is NOT your fault or responsibility - yet she seems to think it is. she has no problem with you spending money on her or her dc but she resents you spending it on yourself Hmm

it's natural to feel envious of anothers wealth but it is NOT acceptable to try and shame the other person for the life they have created for themselves. she seems to be consumed with jealousy, and thinks that you don't 'deserve' your success because you 'don't work hard'....this is what happens when you get into a habit of bailing someone else out, they end of thinking THEY deserve to be 'looked after' that you should also pay to match their standard of living to your own.

it's your friends responsibility to make sure she gets a job that provides her with the lifestyle she wants to live....it isn't your place to provide it for her.

i'd let her be the first to make contact with you, and then tell her she was out of order. you work hard to afford your lifestyle -how dare she try to put you down and belittle you?

her current situation does not give her any rights to treat you like shit - she made her own life choices and has to take responsibility for them instead of attacking you. i notice you ignored all her passive aggressive 'rolling eyes' and 'little comments'.

what she needs to do is grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her life instead of blaming it on others.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 18:42

holiday thankyou - you can see why I was excited ! It's the 35 cm in blue tempete.

tidy but I was coming from work ? And if I'm honest - I probably wouldn't have changed bag anyway because it simply isn't what we do. It's actually hard to explain the dynamic but it's just not how we are (at least I didn't think it was). I do accept my words were harsh and should apologise for them but I do not believe that many people would be able to stand quiet while they're (and innocent husband !)vilified by their friend.

Thankyou thumb ! You are keeping me sane

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 15/08/2015 18:51

I don't think anyone is reasonably asking you to stand by while she says some harsh things, but there is a middle ground to be found. The things you said were imo borderline unforgivable and probably the main reason people are not rounding on you for it is because your friend threw the first verbal jab.

It also doesn't matter if you were coming from work or not, because that doesn't negate you from needing to show some sensitivity in the given situation.

I'm not suggesting that you are entirely to blame for this whole crappy mess, because clearly your friend was in the wrong as well, but you have probably just piled shit on shit for her, whereas her words don't sound like they've had much impact on you. If you want to salvage this friendship, you need to make the effort to apologise here. Your friend is clearly in a lot of emotional pain.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2015 18:55

Can we see a photo of the bag Grin I love blue

Bunbaker · 15/08/2015 18:58

I have googled this bag and found wild variations in pricing, so I have no idea what this bag actually costs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 19:01

Glad to hear it, Whois! Sadly I have to go to bed now because it's stupid o'clock here but one last effort:

Tidy - it wasn't particularly insensitive because the OP has already said that all three of them, A, B and herself, usually love and discuss bags together. Friend B asked about the bag, OP didn't thrust it under Friend A's nose. It would take some kind of miracle of mind-reading to work out that this one time she should have hidden her bag under her coat rather than bring it to a girls' night in with friends who both love bags too, I think.

TidyDancer · 15/08/2015 19:05

Thumb, I get what you're saying, but if the OP wasn't missing the sensitivity chip, she wouldn't then have proceeded to get excited when the third friend started talking about the bag. If the conversation had been deflected at this point then I imagine this wouldn't have blown up the way it did.

CluckingBelle · 15/08/2015 19:07

Thumb it was insensitive to get girlishly excited over the bag with friend B when friend A was already upset.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 19:10

this is what the OP said:
"I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I of course answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag. "

She's said that her friend A has rolled her eyes and made a few snidey comments before, but not had this blow up. So again - why would she have worked out that this time was different?

I know this isn't my argument, but I think that the Friend A started this. Perhaps Friend B should have had a reboot of her sensitivity chip as well and not played around with the handbag or got excited about it either?

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 19:11

The bottom line is that she acted in a way she has never behaved before in 20 years of friendship. So something is badly wrong. Yes, she shouldn't have had a go at the OP- but the OP's reaction should have been shock then concern. Not to tear her to shreds about her past misdeeds. That's how friends are.

dustarr73 · 15/08/2015 19:13

SugarOnTop has it spot on.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 19:13

Tidy so I said ; you also played a part towards the end of your marriage; you have made poor choices and that's is not my fault; I won't apologise for mine or my husband's success; you must push away those you have left

She said ; I show off and don't care about her; am ungrateful and spoilt; don't deserve the money I have as I don't work as hard as her - and neither does DH; shame that good things don't happen to the good people (implying we are not).

Worth remembering that she said hers first, unprovoked. But it's me that's unforgiveable Hmm.
I need to stop going over this because it's making me angry again and I've already decided i will apologise for what I said.

OP posts:
HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 19:17

No they're less than that. Even more so if in Europe as euro is weak right now.

CluckingBelle · 15/08/2015 19:17

I'm glad you have decided to apologise Whoiswrong, hopefully your friend will as well.

HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 19:18

Lovely bag OP
I also agree with SugarTop

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 19:19

Aha thumb goodnight !Smile and thankyou for your support

sugar that is exactly how I felt originally when I wrote the OP. Now I'm thinking I may make the first move and give her way to apologise for the hurtful stuff she said. I then will in turn apologise for what I said because I genuinely am sorry for hurting her.

Tbh thumb has explained it better than I have in all my posts. How were we to know that's this one time we shouldn't be excited about my new bag when that is what usually happens?

OP posts:
Tucktalking · 15/08/2015 19:20

ok You feel bad about it. Why? you did perhaps do the right thing.
Maybe in the future, you may like to avoid taking over your new items so as not to offend her.
Friends are hard to come by. People you have known for a length of time do provide you with a sense of security. As you have said you were once not in a very good financial position. Riches come and go. Friends will still stay.
You have a chance to be the bigger person and apologize to her - something like - I am so sorry to have hurt your feelings. (Remember the fun night got spoilt because of you. Some one invited you over and you caused your other friend to leave. You left one of your friends in distress.)
If you can please forgive me.
My SILs often come over to mines dressed in clothes I don't have. Sometimes I just ignore them. Not all people can really do that.
We would all like to be able to buy what we want - but we need to be careful how we show our belongings to others.
Well you may allow her to borrow your bags if she do desires - not forever but just a kind gesture on your part.
I love it when my neighbour shows me her clothes and tells me I can borrow them if I please. Not that I have ever done.
What may have been a fun night for the three of you is now a discussion column on mumsnet.
You can sort it out - do so.
Friendship is precious so are all our old friends. What meaning would life have without them, even if we get all the belongings in the world. We can only enjoy them with our friends.

dustarr73 · 15/08/2015 19:20

If you all usually go doo lally over bags you werent to know this time was gonna be different.I dont know why people on this thread expect you to be psychic and know what kind of mood your friend was in.

But i will say this well done for standing up to her.She has just become entitled and cant bear you spending money on yourself.

Atenco · 15/08/2015 19:20

Just wanted to apologise for the part I misread in the OP.

TidyDancer · 15/08/2015 19:20

Yes, I do think its borderline unforgivable. Your words came from a place of anger, hers from hurt. There's a massive difference for me. Sometimes in a friendship, you have to be the bigger person. You clearly still feel you were in the right but if you want to salvage your friendship you need to be there for your friend and talk this one out.

Bertrandrussell's post just above your last one is one you need to pay very close attention to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 19:25

Oh Tidy - do you not think the OP was hurt too?! I would be. Not just angry, but hurt and shocked.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 19:25

Thankyou holiday and that's alright Anteco

tucktalking I really do love her and will try to fix this. I'm sure it will all work itself out. I can't imagine her giving up on the friendship either . Hopefully time and some space will help.

dustarr exactly. I couldn't have known.

OP posts: