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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
Freeble · 16/08/2015 14:56

Spend- are you generous to others? Do you genuinely consider their circumstances? Are you insensitive to the difficulties that come with being skint? Have you been rich for so long you've forgotten what it's like to care that you don't have a fiver so you can't buy a drink? Do you need to remind yourself that life can be very hard for others without money and they can resent you if they perceive you to be out of touch with most people's reality?

Scarydinosaurs · 16/08/2015 14:59

Really pleased you've had the start of a proper resolution.

Freeble · 16/08/2015 15:00

I don't think you need to hide yourself from family and friends if you become rich- but you need to be able to either have an honest conversation where you positively assert yourself and say, I am becoming upset by your comments can we talk about this, or check yourself with respect to how you are behaving towards them.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 16/08/2015 15:02

OP

You are both in the wrong, you for flaunting and squealing with Friend B over the bag, and Friend A for being a green-eyed monster.

OP, you are of course entitled to by a Birkin, but you are quite ridiculous to spend so much on a BAG.

Gabilan · 16/08/2015 15:09

Cardiach it was a fairly light-hearted analogy, not intended to withstand too much scrutiny. Apart from anything else, bags and cars are just things whereas horses and humans are living beings.

However, that said, a carrier bag is not as good as a really well designed handbag. I'd expect a good handbag to last a lifetime and to have handy extra pockets so I can find my phone and wallet easily. I expect a carrier bag to break when confronted with things like bottles of wine.

No, personally I wouldn't want to spend £8k on a handbag, even if I had it. But I think there's more wrong with our socio-economic system and I'd blame that before I started taking potshots at an individual for having an expensive bag, so long as they didn't wave said bag under my nose and squeal about it.

ElkeDagMeisje · 16/08/2015 15:13

Freeble if someone(or a group of people) are constantly making digs at you about the stuff you buy, it eventually wears you down and you have to defend yourself. This is what I imagine spend is going through. The fact that she (like me) has ignored it for so long is good isn't it ?

The other interpretation is that the critics just don't think you are worth having nice, expensive things. In the case of DH's family, from whom I've had similar comments when buying things for myself (really quite mundane things in the grand scheme). They do seem to think that my purpose is to earn so as to benefit the family and DH and that it is wrong to spend any money on myself.

Alternatively, this situation reminds me of when a formerly overweight friend loses weight and her friends try and encourage her to put it back on, because it makes them feel better about themselves that way.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2015 15:18

I am very envious that your husband can afford to buy you an 8K bag! But good for you. It's a lovely bag and I hope you enjoy it. I know I would!

I would have felt very silly to be carrying a bag like that to a friend's house who was struggling to live. Sure, you can spend your money however you want but I think a little bit of sensitivity would have been nice. It does not mean her comments to you were ok, but I personally would not be comfortable carrying around an 8 k bag around a friend who can barely feed her children.

Your friend acted out of character, you bit back, which I understand. I get how getting bitchy eye rolls and comments from a friend can end up making you snap. If someone was running my husband down, then yes, I might say some shitty things back too. It's not right, but you are only human after all ;)

You need to get together and talk. I hope it all works out for you.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2015 15:19

Sorry, I missed your update!

I am glad you are going to talk.

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 15:21

Freeble

I am generous with others, my mum is skint and her only income is benefits. For her birthday this month i spent £330 on her.

I take her out for xmas dinner every year, and do spend alot on her on xmas, birthdays and mothers day.

I was brought up on a council estate and my mother didnt even have enough money for a brew in a cafe or to get the bus into town.

I remember my shoes hurting as a kid and my mother never having any money. Clothes were always second hand etc.

When i left school i ended up with a minimum wage job and was always skint then, i couldnt afford to save anything after paying my mum rent, car costs etc. Buying clothing from dorothy perkins was a luxury!! Nearly all my clothes were from asda and tesco.

So yes i do know what its like to not have a penny to your name 2 weeks before payday.

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 15:22

I forgot to mention im not rich, just comfortable.

I cant afford £8000 on a bag, but i can afford £1000 on one.

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 15:30

I'm so glad the olive branch was received positively and hope the meet up goes well.

I know how difficult it can be to see friends with children when you cannot have your own. You don't begrudge them their children, not for a second, but you do wish more than anything that you could have your own children. And all the expensive bags in the world cannot make up for that feeling.

You sound like a great person: you work your socks off, have a happy marriage and a lovely husband and try your best to be a caring friend. You made one mistake and have been big hearted enough to make the first move. Don't beat yourself up because you have more material wealth than your friend. You both have challenges in your lives.

Freeble · 16/08/2015 16:13

Fair enough spend.... Its all about having the positively assertive conversation then. Out of interest, how did your circumstances change so much?

Op, I'm sorry I was rude earlier. I just really felt for your friend. Glad you are getting somewhere Flowers

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 16:17

Freeble

I met my husband who had spent afew years building a business and hadnt earnt a penny from it.

When we had been together 6 months the business really took off and started earning good money and every year after that the business just grew rapidly

Atenco · 16/08/2015 16:59

Well done, OP.

toomanyeggs · 16/08/2015 17:09

By the by, op...have you seen how the farms that supply the animal skins for those bags treat the animals?

myusernamewastaken · 16/08/2015 17:10

I'd prefer a Mulberry x

stopgap · 16/08/2015 18:05

toomanyeggs are you referring to the crocodile farms that allegedly supply Hermes? It did make me wonder about whether regular leather from cows is ethically sourced to make expensive designer items? You would hope so, given the amount such bags and shoes cost.

Personally speaking, I couldn't bring myself to spend that much on a bag, even though our family income is very high and we could afford it. But I have friends with Hermes handbags, multiple homes etc. and don't begrudge them wanting to spend their cash on extravagances.

zeezeek · 16/08/2015 18:18

Am I the only one inspired by this thread to go onto Ebay to shop for some scrummy handbags now Grin

Seriously, OP. Hope it all gets sorted. Friendships are worth more than any material item.

Phineyj · 16/08/2015 18:46

Well done OP, hope it all gets sorted. Maybe it will even help in the long run, by clearing the air. My DSis and I have had squabbles like this over the years (over different things, but similar in that different life choices & outcomes were at the heart of it and she could have DC easily and I couldn't). Our relationship is okay now. Good luck with your journey towards motherhood, by whatever means.

milliemanzi · 16/08/2015 18:57

Hope you get things sorted, I find the tone of your posts a bit weird though, almost like you're enjoying her being jealous of you and that you think she deserves to be in the position she is in at the moment!

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 19:04

Thankyou everyone for your help. I'm sure we'll be fine soon (I hope).

millie I don't know how you read that. Perhaps read them again?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 16/08/2015 21:11

I'm happy to read that you feel better about it OP :)

I think your lack of thinking about the bag, and it being the first thing she noticed, also shows the great financial divide between you. Something so out of reach for her, something she would love, didn't even factor into your thinking process. That's not to say you're at fault at all here, it just helps show the divide.

You helping her out financially, giving her and her kids present, doesn't change what's going on in her life, and will continue to go on in her life. It's doubtful she'll ever be able to afford one and she's aware of that and seeing it reinforced that to her.

I don't think you should change who you are, but I do think things should, and will have to, change. You are the "fun aunt" who is able to give her kids more than she can. She might like that, she might not. It's probably time for a big chat between all of you. What she is okay with and what she's not. She needs to know that you guys are there for her, and not judging her, but she may also feel like she needs to do it without help.

Good luck! (and gorgeous bag :D)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/08/2015 22:43

Glad you've phoned her and made the first move, Whois, and that you've both apologised, even if perfunctorily.
I think it's a great idea that you have them both around to talk about it more though - sounds like A needs to let off some steam about her situation that she hasn't talked to you about yet.

Good luck! Thanks

slithytove · 17/08/2015 00:56

I do wonder what's harder. Her seeing you with bags she can't afford, or you seeing her with children you want but can't have.

I know which it would be for me. Yet I doubt she has put herself in your shoes op and seen how rich she is in other ways.

You sound like good friends, I hope this is a blip you can both move on from. And I hope you manage to adopt and that your friends finances work out.

BrockAuLit · 17/08/2015 01:11

It's a horrid, horrid truth that money changes everything.

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