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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 15:21

Yeah what Minty said. THe part where you "then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my new bag"

Did this involve squealing?

Flingmoo · 15/08/2015 15:23

To the people who think OP should'nt 'flaunt' her wealth in front of her broke friend, how do you expect her to go about this? Surely it would involve a bizarre amount of planning/thinking ahead and an almost obsessive amount of empathising.

What I mean is, think it would be very strange to get dressed in the morning before work and think "Right, I want to look smart for work but there's a chance I'll be going straight to my friends house later... Hmm, my friend is poor, so I guess I better take all my stuff back out of this new handbag I've been using recently and put it all in a scruffy old one so I don't flaunt my wealth in front of her. I better wear something from Primark too so I blend in with the proles..."

It's a handbag FFS, its not like turning up dripping with diamonds and showing off your holiday photos from your latest luxury 5* cruise. This whole thing sounds quite childish.

HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 15:26

I don't think you should be ashamed about what you spend your money on and she obviously has a very big problem with the disparity in your respective incomes. I most definitely don't think you should give her something of your just to appease her. I think that may have the opposite effect and she would feel you are giving her your cast offs.
I would let her cool down and wait for her to apologise. She has a life where currently the things you buy are out of her reach and she resents thus but it's not your fault. If she constNtly asks how much you spend on things then this is just her jealousy. I think sometimes when incomes are very different friendships do suffer as its too hard for both of you to put yourself in the others' shoes.

Spartans · 15/08/2015 15:27

She was bu at first.

But maybe she feels you not only buy loads of new stuff....you also rub it in her face knowing her financial situation. As shown by your getting excited over it with the mutual friend.

Maybe she feels everytime she see you, you are making a big deal about all the things you can afford. Which can be difficult when you have no money. I am not saying you shouldn't buy things, but maybe you could be more thoughtful in your actions.

I am also interested in the home truths. Because usually 'home truths' during an argument come out quite nasty and you could have been unreasomable with what you said.

Probably you both need to apologise

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 15:31

Gosh, she's not much of a friend is she, consumed by envy!

Of course it's entirely up to you what you spend your money on, especially if you have no one else to worry about. I can't imagine being so obsessed over someone else's material possessions, or what they spend their money on - Unless it was something I had previously coveted, told them about, sighed that I couldn't afford it and they had turned up with it next time I saw them and flaunted it at me, that would be a bit pointed and rude.

But I don't think that's what you've done, is it.

So she's just feeling crap that she has no money, and that you do, and she's taking it personally.

I'm also a touch worried about the "home truths" - often just an excuse to air lots of suppressed resentments (they're never nice, are they?) so yes, I agree you probably both have something to apologise for if you both said unpleasant things - but you have absolutely no need to apologise for your new bag.

AuntyMag10 · 15/08/2015 15:33

Given the friends reaction, she sounds bitter enough to go researching the ops clothes she wears.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/08/2015 15:33

The friend could quite easily find out prices without it being discussed, or have a general idea of costs because she's (eg) read about X item.

elQuintoConyo · 15/08/2015 15:39

But more importantly - what was the handbag?

HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 15:41

Yes which bag is it? I am a big fan of bags and buy at least one lovely one per year. While my friends admire them they never behave like that!

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 15:43

She doesn't know the exact prices but knows vaguely because she is also into bags, hence why she could easily recognise the bag. All three of us are into bags which is why me and friend B got excited because it was the first she's seen it.
This is how it went ;

  • Friend A asks if it's new bag, got to kitchen
  • I ask what the matter is
  • Friend A tell me I'm showing off when she is struggling and wasting money
  • Friend B is analysing bag at the same time and asks me a question, which I reply in and excited voice and she joins me and the 'oohing'
  • Friend A goes on a rant about feeding kids and jobs and how I don't work hard
  • I tell her about herself and leave . Friend B follows

You see, we are very good friends and have known each other for a very long time so we all know roughly how much we earn and stuff which I know MN don't usually share with their friends. They come to my house often (another sore point brought up by friend A) and have seen my clothes and bags etc - they even borrow them frequently!

To a PP, I often help out her kids financially as she is a single mother. Friend B is able to help with babysitting sometimes but I really can't spare time so do what I can financially (I.e buy clothes and treat them)

I'm actually so angry, I can't believe she would attack me like that. I think will stay away for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 15:47

Ok, I can fully admit that I need to apologise for my "home truths" which were ,admittedly, quite nasty. But I just can't find it in me to call her first and apologise when she attacked me (childish, I know but that's how I feel).

I'm not really keen to say the bag because I know how MN can be when it comes to this stuff and I don't want that skew judgment lol. The bag was a gift anyway (I didn't get the chance to tell her) not that that should change anything.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 15:49

What were the "home truths"?

Does she often behave like this or was it unusual?

If it was unusual behaviour maybe she has a big money worry and it spilled out into envy? Which of course isn't on but maybe understandable?

AppleSnapple · 15/08/2015 15:51

So what were the home truths??

Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 15:53

We need a comparator scale really to judge the unreasonableness of each participant in this argument.

NerrSnerr · 15/08/2015 15:54

It all depends on what the home truths were.

Mintyy · 15/08/2015 15:56

Well, it's very hard to tell from just one side of the story but I don't think she will be any worse off without you.

Coffeemarkone · 15/08/2015 15:56

" Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out "

neither of you are sounding very...polite here. Are you really friends?

Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 15:56
diddl · 15/08/2015 15:57

There's no corrolation though is there.

Even if OP didn't buy "stuff", her friend still couldn't afford it.

That said, it does seem tactless to then get excitd about the bag!

Kennington · 15/08/2015 15:58

Sometimes being sensitive to others trumps your own right to show off.
At work wearing a art bag is one thing but making a fuss in front of someone who struggles to pay bills is just insensitive. Why do this? I personally think you were unreasonable. She was probably just taking out her upset on you and didn't really mean any of it. Even if she did you would be better off apologising anyway- in my opinion, which is often wrong!

cardibach · 15/08/2015 16:01

This is irrelevant to the thread, but I don't get the whole bag thing - friend B recognised the bag, you are all 'into' bags...doesn't make any sense to me. I accept IABU about this as you are entitled to like what you like, but really? Handbags?

ElkeDagMeisje · 15/08/2015 16:01

YANBU OP. You were caught between a rock and a hard place and a true friend shares in your purchases and enjoys them too. A flippin' bag!

I had a friend who went off on one like that at me too. I made the mistake of not telling her some home truths (she never could be bothered studying at school, got sacked from a couple of decent jobs for poor timekeeping and now has a poorly paid low skilled job which she moans about constantly) and gave her the chance to talk, and all I got was literally two days' outpouring of jealousy and resentment and accusations of my being a snob. It was pretty strange behaviour and I was horrified that she felt like that about me, that she simply couldn't be friends with someone without constantly comparing what she had with someone else, and thinking that no-one else works hard or has made sacrifices.

I no longer speak to her and would cross the street if I saw her. Stupid woman. She's done it to other people too and I would bet your "friend" has too.

herethereandeverywhere · 15/08/2015 16:06

...it's just a bag Hmm?

I think everyone needs to take a chill pill here.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:07

Yes it was a one - off, in the sense that she has never burst out like that before. She has sometimes (not too frequently though) made little comments or rolled her eyes. Just so it's out there, I don't initiate these conversations - Friend B is always saving up for multiple things so if she asks me about how well something keeps and if she should bother buying, this is when Friend A makes her snide comments (aimed at me, even though Friend B asked and wants to buy too). She also acted up when I got my house but that's another story and it wasn't anywhere like this !

Ok. I stoop silent and baffled when she shouted at me, until she started going off on how I don't deserve my money because I don't work hard and then went on about how my husband doesn't deserve his either (he is very well paid - better than me) etc. I am not exaggerating when I use the word 'attack'. She went on about how it's always the good people who suffer (suggesting my husband is not a good person ?!?)

Anyway, I then told her not to take it out on me that her husband had walked out on her and that I had supported her and even though I believed she was half to blame for the failure of their marriage. I told her that the state of her life was not my fault and I can't be blamed for the fact that she made the wrong choices in life (I know her VERY WELL, she really did make poor choices) after ignoring the solicited advice from me and friend B. I told her that she had no one to blame for her life but herself and would do well not push away the few real friends she had who have supported her. I then left. I do feel bad for what I said.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 16:08

I like nice handbags but I don't get "excited" was there shrieking involved by them.

I just quietly drool over them Wink