To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

[Whoiswrong]

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

So you're not going to apologise unless she does?

Are you sorry for the hurtful things you said or not?

Of course thumb, I'm sure she was/is hurt, there is responsibility on both sides for that. But the OP needs to remember that her friend clearly has been having a hard time lately and has struck out. People who do this don't intend to hurt people, we all know that. I suspect on some level the OP is feeling very bad she didn't realise how her friend was feeling before it got to this point - I know I would be in her position. Apologising and letting the friend know/reinforcing she is not alone is the only way to salvage the relationship. A good friend will do the same in return.

clucking no, I will apologise either way because I know it was mean and hurtful. But, I am hoping she apologises first (though I will reach out to her) and even if she doesn't, I'll still apologise. I'm going to talk to friend B first though so I can see if she knows something I don't.

Add message | Report | Message poster CluckingBelle Sat 15-Aug-15 19:15:00
bunbaker I think about £8.5k.

shopmsfashionjunkie.com/hermes-shiny-alligator-birkin-35cm-bag-hand-stitched-palladium-hardware-blue-tempete-n7/

This link is to a replica site. An exotic skin birkin would cost much more than £8.5k. I don't like Hermes bags at all, but they have many fans willing to part with tens of thousands for a handbag.

OP, your money, you can do as you like. Your friend was out of order, but what on earth possessed you to carry a birkin into the home of someone who is financially struggling?

Ok, thanks for putting me right there Apatite (I am not a handbag fan and such things are waaaay out of my price range!).

I've rtft although I don't think you read my post. You sound highly self-absorbed and enjoying being Lady Bountiful now that you're the one with the disposable income.

When someone with no money who likes handbags sees you with a statement bag, she actually sees what her life could have been like if she had taken a different path. However much she loves her children and wouldn't trade them, that's a hard thing to think about. "What if" is a painful game.

I'm focusing on what I think she feels because I think you haven't been able to put yourself in her shoes. That's why I think you sound self-absorbed, btw, which might be unfair in general (I have no idea) but not in this instance.

Friend B isn't blameless either. Are you two often guilty of forgetting A's circumstances and celebrating your own successes together?

A may have fucked up her own life but that is for her and her only to say. "You buy lots of stuff" and "You caused all your miserable problems" are not equivalent insults.

I don't understand why you think she should apologise first. From my reading and rereading, on this occasion she tried to remove herself from the situation (into the kitchen) and you followed her, effectively goading her into responding. If B were more sensitive she wouldn't have stoked the fire, but honestly it sounds like you started it!

I disagree that her financial state is not your responsibility, if your dear friend is struggling temporarily then why not give her some cash. Why are close friends any different than family?

It's your right to buy expensive handbags etc, yes. But it is a choice which could well lead to you not being able to also afford to support your friend. When we are rich we need to use that money wisely, don't undervalue helping others whether friends or charities.

Cross posted. I'm really glad you're going to apologise either way. I think that is a mature decision and I think it will be very helpful.

OP, your money, you can do as you like. Your friend was out of order, but what on earth possessed you to carry a birkin into the home of someone who is financially struggling?

I'm with Apatite on this. I am significantly more comfortable than most of my old school friends. Although probably not to the extent you are. And none of them are struggling to feed their kids.

But I'm still aware. And I'm still a bit careful. I don't hide things or lie. But I also don't feel the need to volunteer things or flaunt stuff unless it comes up. Did you really have to use the Birkin bag that day for work? presumBly you have loads of bags?

If she has already made a few snide comments then you really should have picked up that this reversal in fortune is something that is hard for her and allowed for this.

it's your friends responsibility to make sure she gets a job that provides her with the lifestyle she wants to live....it isn't your place to provide it for her.

The problem I have with some of your arguments, SugarOnTop, is that the OP was perfectly happy for friend A to splash the cash on her when A was better off. Of course that doesn't mean A actually has any kind of claim on the OP's money now, but the OP doesn't seem to be putting two and two together on this.

(Sorry - posted too early.)

It doesn't give her the right to have a massive go but you were ridiculously, off the scale tactless.

A may have fucked up her own life but that is for her and her only to say. "You buy lots of stuff" and "You caused all your miserable problems" are not equivalent insults.

Friend A did seem to imply that OP and her husband are not good people as well though. And don't deserve their good fortune. The jibe about not being a good person - I would find that hurtful and infuriating.

What struck me from the OP was this part:

I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

I don't really understand how OP could go back to cooing over the bag with Friend B after Friend A has eye rolled and shot her a fairly pointed barb about the her purchase/gift.

The eye rolling and barbed comment would have put me on high alert and certainly dampened down any urge to SQUEEEE over the bag not that I would ever go into raptures over a bag.

It's hard to be reminded of your dreary financial situation, when you and your husband are bringing home seven figures.

But you are who you are. Even without the Birkin, your friend must know that fact by your house/car/lifestyle choices (unless you were the type prone to the deshabille-scruffy-artist-yet-minted look).

Have you ever offered your friend financial assistance? Not that you're obligated, mind.

Are you sure friend A is actually a handbag fan at all? Or does she just go along with you and friend B so as not to be left out of the conversation?

At the beginning of this post I imagine a handbag costing £200 or so, and I thought your friend was being a little unreasonable, although I still thought you were unreasonable to 'tell her about herself'.

I imagine that the many thousands this handbag is worth would be life changing for her. Can you not see why she was upset?

Your friend is being unreasonable. My best friend has a career, works her arse off and always splashes out on herself because she can afford to. Whilst I wish I was in a position to do the same I'm not jealous of her and it's nice to see her reward all her hard work. Your friend shouldn't lash out at you because of what you spend YOUR money on regardless of her financial situation. To put it bluntly, it's none of her fucking business.

If you really cant see how you and other friend squealing over a glorified carrier bag is hard to take when she is struggling to feed her kids then you probably aren't the kind of friend she needs right now. No, she shouldn't have gone off like she did, but can you really not see why she did?? Watching people waste money when you are counting pennies is beyond depressing. Have some compassion.

The op has helped her friend out on numerous occassions so it should be equal by now.I just dont understand how her friend struggling is her fault.She has helped her out.

She is just coming across as jealous and the green eyed monster has come out.Its not teh first time the friend has roll eyed and made smart remarks.

Whats the op to do when she visits,turn up looking like a baglady.I wouldnt apoligise this falling out is your friends own making.If she hadnt of opened her gob you would still be friends.

Ok so I will have to go into detail on everything (it will out me but im past that) because either people are misunderstanding or I am dense.

1. We have been friends for 22 years (since secondary school ). When we went to university, A had more money than us (she stayed and worked) and she would often treat us (we had less money, as students) and would even buy us food when she came to visit. After graduation, B became the "richer" on and she too often treated us -I confused with education. I then finished my masters and became the higher earner. Since then, A's marriage has failed and has 3 children, B has a partner and 1 child, I am married but childless.

Smilla whilst I would never bring it up to her or hold it over here, your post offends me. Her "splashing" on my doesn't compare to the "splashing" I have done on her and her family since. Please don't insinuate that I was happy to use but won't return the favour - that simply isn't true.

1. The bag , which is new, is what I was carrying to work as I was still excited to have it. I had to stay at work late and so went straight to my friends house (I didn't even change from work clothes) but this often happens anyway. Seeing how I always go there carrying a bag of some sort , should I have assumed 'today A won't be hoody, so let me go all the way home and swap over my bag to an old one so she isn't upset?' ? I wasn't even thinking about the bag at this time.

1. I didn't mention the bag - honestly wasn't thinking about it. A said (eithin even saying hi) "is that a new bag? Again?" and then rolled her eyes and walked away. I asked her what the problem was and she went off on one

1. Like I said , we like bags and B was excited to see the bag. I too was excited to talk about it. Looking back, maybe we should have waited till we were alone but at that moment we didn't think anything of her eye rolls and just got on with it.

pumpkin I was able to do this because the eye rolls are nothing knew. The comments afterwards were though

1. She attacked me and my husband and I defended us then left. I can not honestly say that I could have stood there and said nothing. I would be lying if I said that

1. In our little group, we all enjoy bags and shoes (but less so) and often talk about new purchases. It has been this way for years and I had no way of knowing that this one time she wouldn't be in the mood. I didn't even initiate the bag conversation or think about it -I was coming from work ! Tbh, I never think about my clothes because we usually don't get offended at such.

I hope that clears stuff up.

And yes. I have helped her out financially. Often. Like I say we are very close, like sisters even (not the ones I read about on MN mind!) .

You take a bag worth thousands to work? Wow.

Also whatever happened before you said it I doubt she will forgive you. If anyone said I was to blame for my marriage breakup I would never speak to them again.

piece I am not alone in that and thank goodness I didn't say that then. I said she was also responsible (and she was - as hard as that is to hear). I will apologise for this though

the Birkin is a red herring, i think Friend A will have this attitude towards anything the op buys that Friend A can't afford.

I don't think that specific night is the problem here, it's the financial divide and your lack of insight into and empathy towards her situation.

What has the OP taking a bag worth thousands to work got to do with anything? Plenty of people do!

It sounds like had the offended friend been caught on any other day she would have joined in the rapture of the new bag (which is grand, I love bags, shoes and will admire them - not in a squeaky way which many have implied here, we're not all douchebag wannabe sex and the city-ers) but was pissed off with her situation and chose to take it out on OP.
OP I would apologise for saying what you said but I would expect an equal apology for her hurtful comments implying you and your DH aren't worthy of your success.

Smilla whilst I would never bring it up to her or hold it over here, your post offends me. Her "splashing" on my doesn't compare to the "splashing" I have done on her and her family since. Please don't insinuate that I was happy to use but won't return the favour - that simply isn't true.

That's really not what I was insinuating. I was objecting to some people's arguments that she seemed to feel entitled to live off other people, ignoring the fact that she's not always been the one accepting money off others.

And of course her 'splashing' on you doesn't compare to your helping her out now. You were students then, presumably all with much less disposable income. Now you're grown ups in the real world. I still don't think you're putting two and two together on that. I don't view, say, £1000 you're easily able to part with to help her now because of your current finances as automatically more worthy of praise than £100 she was easily able to part with as a student. It's all relative.