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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 16:09

Oh dear.

specialsubject · 15/08/2015 16:11

jealousy is a playground emotion. As is blubbering about someone 'showing off'.

getting excited over an object to carry things around in is....beyond belief for adults

she's a bit nearer 12 than you are, but on balance this is all very dull. I think you all need new interests, and new friends as you clearly annoy each other.

HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 16:11

I read on here the other day that some friendships come to a natural end. I'd say this it it for you and your friend. I don't see how either of you can get back from this. I agree with what you did as why should you stay and be criticised like that.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:12

cardi I know it just a bag but we (me and Friend B) really do love them. I collect them and do buy for friend B at Christmas because I am in a position to do so.

I know it's hard to imagine, and explain, but the getting excited about the bag is normal for us. I had no idea how serious she was about my bag so when friend B said "Omg you bought the accessory as well" in an excited voice, I also replied excitedly "yess, it matches so well don't you think? " and then Friend A commenced her lecture. It really was not spiteful excitement, but something that has been going on between us all for years. Friend B is just as shocked as me

OP posts:
HolidayHeidi · 15/08/2015 16:14

And yes it's just a bag but everyone has something they'd prefer to spend their income on and for some people it's bags. Either way in this case it's not the bag that's the actual issue it's what it represents.

Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 16:14

What was the accessory?

I need to know.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:17

holiday as angry as I am, that really upsets me to even think about. I truly love her and her kids (my godchildren btw) and I don't want to lose her from my life. But then, if she can't be happy for me - were we as good as friends as I thought? I'm so confused

OP posts:
TheCowThatLaughs · 15/08/2015 16:28

Did everyone miss that she can't afford to feed her kids? Can you imagine how that feels? I've got a lot of sympathy for her, she must be so worried and seeing you with a new expensive bag must be hard.
She's only human

AuntyMag10 · 15/08/2015 16:30

TheCow that doesn't still give her the right to lash out at her friend. Do you think that helps her or alienates her and makes her problems worse.

Queenbean · 15/08/2015 16:34

Drip, drip, drip

I was with you at first but now I'm not. You and friend B sound like two children in a playgound, whooping and explaining over the latest toy while your other friend has to make do with a crappy hand me down

Are you sure she appreciates your generosity, and doesn't see it as an awkward divide of you lavishing her with money that she can't ever return the favour?

I imagine she's always felt that you and friend B have always looked down on her a bit for her so-called "poor choices", now you've confirmed it for her

Sounds like this friendship has reached a natural end

Bunbaker · 15/08/2015 16:36

I think it is a shame that your friend's jealousy has ruined your friendship.

Although I get the impression that she feels that you are rubbing her nose in it somewhat. You could have played down "getting excited" about this bag with your other friend as I think that was rather tactless.

Your friend was being unreasonable, but I also think that you were as well.

Strokethefurrywall · 15/08/2015 16:42

I would have done the same thing OP, you're not the reason she's in her situation and given that you help out financially treating her kids and buying them clothes, she is being disgustingly unreasonable.
You work hard for your money, you can afford to buy the things you love.
I don't see any "gloating" or boasting from your OP, only your friend B asking questions about the bag.
She needs to apologize, I wouldn't be!

I still want to know what the bag is though, I'm after a new one! Puurrllleease??!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 16:48

So you have helped her out in the past when she's needed it, but she still sees fit to criticise how much you work, how much your DH works, and effectively tell you neither of you are worthy of being called good people?

Well I can see why you went off on one.

But perhaps she is also feeling sick of being the poor one, the charity case (even though you might not see it like that, she still might) and has been harbouring all these resentments all this time.

I don't quite understand why Friend B didn't cop a hammering as well - does she not earn as much as you? Or perhaps her babysitting offerings aren't as "charitable" in feel as your donations? I don't know.

It's a sad situation all round though.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:49

No, she is not offended by me buying them gifts. It has always been like this -- when they (friend A or B) were in better positions they helped me out. Friend A was the "richest" during our uni days a d would buy us our meals and even do shopping for us etc. Then it was friend B after our first graduation and she also treated us often. Now its me and I ofcourse help and treat often. I can't imagine they would be offended by me helping them. We are just like that and always have been.

Queen apologies for drip feeding but zim didn't want the OP to be too long. I am just answering questions as they come and also remembering things from the past. And I'm lost as to what hand me down she has been given.

I appreciate that bags are not for everyone but do you never get excited about anything? Holiday? New car? Do you not talk about that with friends? Especially if that's been the done thing for 20+ years.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 16:52

Ah well, if it's always been that way between you then yes, I can't see that being the problem. In which case, it is probably just plain old envy.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 16:52

Your home truths sound incredibly unpleasant.

And the squealing about the bag sounds incredibly unpleasant. It sounds as if it was the last straw for her. Be kind.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:53

Thumb friend B does not earn as much as me, though she fares better than friend A. They were about the same but friend A is now a single parent. I never thought she would be offended by me buying the kids stuff as we are so close. They even call us aunty ffs! I think I will wait until Monday and talk to her about it. Or I could ask friend B to find out what the real problem is ?

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 15/08/2015 16:54

Throughout all the years Friend A,B and now you have been fortunate, she's probably bitter about it. You really don't need to apologize for how it turned out for you. Maybe if she spent her energy being less jealous she'd have her turn. She has a cheek lashing out at you given that you've helped and supported her.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 16:55

Bert she usually joins in ! That's why we were so shocked. But yes, I admit my home truths were a bit too "truthful"

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 16:55

And another thing. If a friend behaves in a way they have never done in 20 years of friendship then asking her what's wrong is surely a better thing to do than telling her that it's all her own fault.

Queenbean · 15/08/2015 16:56

whoiswrong it's a metaphor

Bunbaker · 15/08/2015 17:03

"I appreciate that bags are not for everyone but do you never get excited about anything? Holiday? New car? "

Not material possessions, no. I get excited when DD gets a good exam grade or when my sister sold her house. I am happy for other people.

I know that makes me sound a bit sanctimonious, but we have had a few wake up calls with family members with serious health scares and it has made me realise what is more important to me.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 17:09

Bert please read my previous posts. I did ask what the matter was. Can you honestly say that you can stand by whilst you (and your husband) are abused and still be able to say sweet words? You're better than me.

Bunbaker Luckily, I have learnt to appreciate both the material and immaterial things in life.

Thumb and Aunty Perhaps that's the problem. Do you think I should talk to her about it on Monday or get friend B to test the waters ?

Thankyou to all the replies

OP posts:
Atenco · 15/08/2015 17:17

I think you really should apologise for your home truths, to be honest. That is not the stuff of friends, though I understand you were riled, and mentioning what you have given her and her children is particularly not on when she was the one who was originally generous, nor can you complain about her not taking advice, who ever takes advice, especially if it has to do with our relationships?

I also think it is in bad taste to go on and on about new possessions in the presence of someone who is struggling to get by.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 17:18

Sorry, but if a friend of mine did this I would be really, really worried. I wouldn't bash her over the head with her inadequacies.