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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/08/2015 13:38

"I think in the moment she just said what she really feels- that friend A made a poor choice of husband and now is dealing with the repercussions of that choice."

Yeah, well. Grown ups don't behave like that.

Gabilan · 16/08/2015 13:45

For those wondering what a Birkin is, it's just a bag. In the same way that Louboutins are just shoes; a Lamborghini roadster is just a car; Beckham's just a footballer and Valegro's just a horse.

Now personally, I don't really care about bags that much. However, I do know that other people do and that for them, the brand is important.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 13:47

Oh wow. A lot of comments have been posted and I don't think I would be able to reply to them all so will give general responses.

I didn't forget about the bag but I wasn't thinking about. I was at work from 6am till gone past 9pm. By the time I got to hrs, a bag was the last thing on my mind. Furthermore, I had been using this particular bag for about a week by then so didn't pick it purposefully that day. I was using it because it's a new gift and lovely bag and bags are meant to be used.

Yes what I said to her was horrible

I think a PP is right in saying that maybe now the difference is too big and the status quo has to change.

I met up with friend B today and spoke about what happened. She was just as shocked as me and felt awkward as she also a couple of the bags and so felt like some of it was aimed at her. She is confused aswell but feels A was out of order with what she said. B reckons I shouldn't apologise as I was defending myself and my husband.

Yes , I am still going to apologise for what I said though and hope she too apologises. I might call her in a bit once I get the courage.

To clear things up. My DH is the one that's infertile, not me. We have had some roadblocks with adoptions but when the time is right/we are ready, it will go through I'm certain. But this is diverting from the main issue .....as is all this talk of my bag. Heavens , it's a nice bag that was gifted to me - no need for this vitriol or horrible comments about our character.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 13:49

Bert please get over yourself. You never say how you feel when you are angry? When you and your husband have been attacked? Give me a break.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/08/2015 13:50

Bunbaker me neither! And I couldn't care less!! Even if I won the lottery id still buy bags from tk max!

Bunbaker · 16/08/2015 13:50

I think those of us who don't get excited about handbags (myself included) is that they are such an everyday item. I view them as something that needs to be practical and carry the things I need. I am like that with shoes and cars as well. I don't like football and I have never heard of Valegro, but I am not into horses either.

That says a lot about me Grin

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/08/2015 13:52

I think having friends who are so invested in showing off and expensive items would change the status quo for me to. But I don't mix with such immature shallow people in the first place luckily

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 13:53

Best of luck with your journey towards adoption when the time is right
It cannot be easy for either of you.
Friend A has three children, And it's sounds like you are a great "auntie" to them, despite your own circumstances. If I was Friend A and knew this, I wouldn't begrudge you a dozen Birken bags!
Also, after being on the go for 15 hours, you were caught unawares and lashed out. Not great and you do regret it, but totally understandable.

bigbumtheory · 16/08/2015 14:01

Good luck with your call OP and the adoption process.

Gabilan · 16/08/2015 14:02

" I have never heard of Valegro, but I am not into horses either."

BBC2 at 14:50 today, although if you're not into horses it will look bizarre. He's currently Olympic, World and European dressage champion.

Good luck with talking to her OP. The friendship will inevitably change, it's just how it changes.

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 14:03

I ve only read the first page but i have this exact problem.

Afew of my family members feel the need to comment on anything new i buy thats new. A favourite thing for people to say to me is...

And how much was that then?

That is soo expensive, i dont know why you have to go over board with stuff

I would never in a million years pay that.

I ve just got a new bag for my birthday and im already dreading what people are going to say about it.

Im on the verge of having a snap at one particular family member over her comments to me .

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 14:18

shaton except A uses my bags too and also loves them Hmm but im glad you don't have such shallow friends.

Lavender thankyou so much. I'm going to do it now

Spend when you figure out how to handle it, let me know.

OP posts:
Freeble · 16/08/2015 14:24

When I posted before I was feeling very peace and love. After spend spend spend obnoxious post and your agreement to it, and in light of you bringing up your friends marriage breakdown my less forgiving side is hoping your friend tells you to get off your high horse and do one

Freeble · 16/08/2015 14:25

As you, frankly, do not sound like a once in a lifetime gift to me!

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 14:30

freeble Shock in what way was spend's post abnoxious? I genuinely need you to explain this to me. I'm baffled.

OP posts:
SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 14:39

Freeble

Dont tell me your exactly like these people who sneer at others who have more disposable income than you?

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2015 14:39

"I ve only read the first page but i have this exact problem."

No you haven't. If you actually read the thread you'd realise that.

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 14:40

I have the exact problem regarding sneery remarks about what i spend my money on.

I dont have any other problem that the op has

Freeble · 16/08/2015 14:45

Is it not possible, spend, to manage family members comments without 'snapping' at them? Is it not possible to behave in such a way that you are also responsible for maintaining positive communication over what is essentially, nice for you? That is what I find obnoxious. And I extend it to you, whois, because I do not think it is difficult to manage relationships without hurting people, by simply thinking about what they might be going through and extending some empathy. I find you quickly get it straight back from a true friend.

Sorry if my tone was harsh- but I think you need to rethink a few things.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 14:48

Update to those who care ; I called A and invited her over for a chat. We both made quick apologies (she said she's under stress and didn't mean what said; I apologised for saying hurtful things) but we do need to talk about what happened and have a 'deeper' conversation. The phone call was a bit rushed as she was busy . She and B will come over later to talk. I think this sounds promising and we should hopefully be fine. Thank goodness I didn't tell DH or it would be harder

OP posts:
Freeble · 16/08/2015 14:49

And in answer, spend I am lucky enough to be financially secure but I have many friends who have a lifestyle beyond my wildest dreams and I certainly don't begrudge them. I also have friends in worse financial circumstances than me, and I always consider it in the way I behave towards them, if that is always bringing more booze/ food with me than necessary, and not banging on about some of the more 'pricey' aspects to my life

SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 14:50

Freeble

When you have put up with sneery comments every month or two for several years and you have never risen to the bait and kept your mouth shut it builds up inside you.

As time is going on its infuriating me, but instead of saying something to them, which tbh i dont know what to say to them i keep it bottled up.

The problem i have now is that the bottle is so full its about to burst and i can feel the top is going to explode.

If you know how op and i can handle this situation without being confrontational then i would be grateful if you can share this with me.

cardibach · 16/08/2015 14:50

Gabilan I don't think your comparisons here work: For those wondering what a Birkin is, it's just a bag. In the same way that Louboutins are just shoes; a Lamborghini roadster is just a car; Beckham's just a footballer and Valegro's just a horse
Beckham and Valegro are both better at doing their thing than other footballers/horses. They are objectively, measurably, practically better. A bag carries stuff. A carrier does it as well as this ridiculously expensive item. The same is true for Louboutins. There is no objective, measurable benefit to justify the expense. I don't know much about cars, but I'd say a sports car is pointless in that the thing it does better than a standard car - speed - you can't even use legally.
People can spend their money in what they want, but, like a PP, I think it is wrong that there is such a gulf between rich and poor and can't help feeling that the is something almost morally wrong with spending £8000 on a bag.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 16/08/2015 14:52

Freeble if someone(or a group of people) are constantly making digs at you about the stuff you buy, it eventually wears you down and you have to defend yourself. This is what I imagine spend is going through. The fact that she (like me) has ignored it for so long is good isn't it ?

I liked a PP's comment "the moment you start hiding yourself from your friends, they aren't your friends". I can imagine this to be worse with family.

OP posts:
SpendSpendSpend · 16/08/2015 14:52

Freeble

I never mention anything i have bought, its always noticed whether its a household item or clothing or whatever.

I never openly discuss what i have bought, in fact i wish people wouldnt mention it to me if they notice something new