To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

[Whoiswrong]

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

I'm with Bertrandrussell, PaulAnka and Sniffs.

Poor bloody friend A. She's obviously very worried and upset about something to have reacted as she did. She needed kindness and consideration - you've been friends for twenty years, for heaven's sake - not a lecture about how she's to blame for her own financial situation. She said some not very nice things, but, OP, can't you see that she didn't really mean them? It sounds like an outpouring of sadness, not spite.

I bet she's been really worried for weeks. The posters who mentioned adjustments to tax credits may have the reason, I think.

Can you not see that it's a bit insensitive to turn up at the house of somebody struggling financially with very expensive things that the other person could never afford?

I'm lucky to have a job that pays well. I mean it: lucky. Lucky to be good at passing exams, lucky to have made some OK career choices by accident, lucky to have bought a house in the 1990s, lucky not to have come from a family background that hampered academic achievement. I don't ascribe any of those things to my own skill and judgment. Sheer luck.

Because of the luck described above, I can buy nice clothes. I would NEVER turn up to the house of a struggling friend, particularly before a night out, wearing clothes much more expensive and/or flashy than anything she could afford. It's just insensitive. Why highlight the differences? To make yourself feel better? You don't have to buy special 'going out with my poor friend' outfits from Primark, but turning up with a Birkin was thoughtless.

Squealing over the new bag was equally thoughtless. Are you sure that friend A hasn't just gone along with the bag squealing in the past because she didn't want to look resentful? I bet it chokes her, and I'm not surprised that she's had enough.

Nobody likes a show off. I'm sure that you've been a good friend to friend A in the past. Now is the time to call her and apologise for the awful things you said. I expect that she'll apologise too, but what you did and said was worse, I'm afraid.

Such nonsense here.
You can't turn up with an expensive bag given as a present because that is rubbing Friend As nose in it?
Presumably you cannot turn up in an expensive car either, and should always use public transport when meeting, top buy a clapped out old rust heap?
And you can certainly never invite round to your home, because that's going to upset her too.
FFS.
There are always people who have "more" - whether that be better health, more disposable cash, larger families for support. That does not justify flying off the handle at your mate because she has an expensive bag. And her personal circumstances don't give her a free pass to attack friends and expect them to stand there and suck it up.
For all those thinking OP should be more sensitive, what about the same standard for friend A? Why not expect her to realise what the bag means in terms of being a present from her DH and that what OP and her DH chose to buy is nothing to do with her?

Just talk to her op

You are good friends, you should both apologise to each other.

Perhaps the status quo has to move on. Maybe the divide is now too great and her frustrations have got to the point where the friendship is affected. Maybe the friendship has run its course. But it doesn't have to end on such bad feelings. Talk honestly and calmly. Perhaps if you want the friendship to carry on you might have to tone down your excitement etc. maybe that was how it used to be, but you have to be sensitive to her changing situation and you may need to adapt slightly.

Time to talk op.

Because Lanvinderleigh it's a damn sight easier being rich with a supportive husband than poor and on your own, that's why we are saying cut friend A some slack. Yes, neither has behaved in a great way, but on the balance of things, I feel more for A than I do OP, although I can see OP's point, we all can.

Yeah, you trying Telling a rich, happily married person who cannot have children that their life is damn easy compared to others, foslady. I'm sure they will realise they have it ever so cushy.

SniffsAndSneezes Oh, and Elke- you need to tell me the magic trick for not paying full price for a Birkin!!

If buying in one of the shops, just ask for a discount. Does anyone pay full price except tourists now? I don't think so. Or anywhere near it. I don't like Birkins, but there are also many ways of buying second hand, theres a flourishing market as they are investments really.

PaulAnka Good for you having designer bags you waste. Is it nice to spend the silly money on them, just to treat them like a £30 thing from the high street?

Actually, I will do what I like with stuff I buy with my own money. One bag gets heavily used, and its worn. But the point of buying a quality item is that they don't have to have that brand spanking new look still to look good. In fact they can be more stylish with a bit of wear. I think that's what they are designed for, really - being used. But shoot me if I ever come out with such sanctimonious, snooty crap as you wrote earlier:

Those who realise that a Birkin bag is worth thousands. It is not the type of bag you chuck around willy nilly. If you do then you have serious money to burn and if that is the case with the OP, then I don't understand her squealing and excitement in front of her other friend.

I own relatively expensive pieces, I am even fortunate to own a Birkin (A graduation present from a wealthy uncle). I treat it carefully and believe me, it is chosen to go with what I am wearing. It's not just dragged out the wardrobe randomly. Not an everyday handbag.

Yes, please, just shoot me if I ever show signs of lecturing people on their use of their own handbags.

Goodness gracious. I am a low income earner, as is my dp. But I believe that our choices play a large part in our circumstances. And it is definitely not ok to be jealous of other people's good fortune. Not at all. Those who are successful and happy usually have made sacrifices and choices to attain that. Or their parents and gramdparents have. Even if it's just a choice to be content with what you have.

I am an example of that. OP's bag cost about two thirds of my annual income last year, but I still think her friend was completely out of order with the jealousy. Friend is not starving or 'In need' so how dare she act like op has done something wrong.

The OP has never said she can't have kids, just that she doesn't - it's none of our business which of these is the reason why, so I haven't assumed that she has gone through the pain of infertility, only work on what she has told us

And yes, I would say this friendship is probably drawing to a close. It tells you a lot about people how they behave when in less favourable circumstances. Its no excuse for going off on one at a friend coming to visit. Some people just cannot cope with friends doing well when they are not. I wouldn't be running around after her, changing my bags and clothes, and hiding what I've achieved, just in case she explodes again. If she wants to lose your friendship (and from what the OP says, she has been a good and helpful friend for many years) over her jealousy, then that's her poor choice.

Of course on mumsnet, you will read that passing exams is just luck, as is holding down a well paid highly pressurised job and so on, and this means that you should tolerate any crap thrown at you by anyone else so as to even things up. Personally, I disagree, and anyone that treats me like that, after given time to make up or explain, is no longer a friend. I also wondered if there was an element of jealousy in this in that it was your DH who bought the bag, and friend is actually jealous of your happy marriage. Which is a whole different kettle of fish and would make me deeply uncomfortable.

I know the OP has only said that she is "childless", not whether or not that is by choice.
However, your sweeping statement that all wealthy people np must have easier lives is so not true. Money cannot cushion you from the pain of infertility, or mental health issues, or disability although obviously it can help in how you are able to deal with it. The point being that few people have lives free of things that cause them anguish and which all the money in the world cannot take away and that to automatically assume one person is less deserving of sympathy simply because they have more money is unjust.
You never know what is going on in anyone else's life and many people go through the anguish of infertility in private.

Am I the only one here who wouldn't even have noticed said handbag?

I had never even heard of a Birkin bag until this thread.

Who said that the OP didn't deserve sympathy?

The posters who have opposed the "do exactly what you want, she's just jealous" line have suggested that friend A is having a tough time and that the OP could be a little more sensitive and understanding.

Nobody has said, "no sympathy for you, ever, for any problems that you haven't told us about and hence may not have, because you spend thousands on handbags".

no Bun - I've already said I wouldn't have had a clue or cared less as well.

For those who keep saying the bag was a gift, the OP also said she bought the accessory. Fuck only know what (my opinion: over priced ugly tat ) the accessory was, but it is massively rude to see a friend - albeit rudely - leave the room upset and then continue to squeal with another friend about a really really expensive bag that wasn't even enough on it's own - OP accessorised it too.

The Friend A was rude, no doubt about it. But it is the OP who has been breathtakingly rude.

In a parallel universe, Friend B starts on about the bag and accessory, and OP hisses "ssshhhh", and goes after Friend A and says "what's up?". Friend A bursts into tears and says, I was a bitch, sorry - you know, sometimes I'm so jealous". Cue hugs and tears all round, and deepening of already deep friendship.

Neither can being poor - I too have MH issues, but as you say money can help you choose how you cope with them.

Being poor gives you less choice.

And your statement is pretty sweeping too - you have assumed the OP does have fertility issues. I genuinely hope this is NOT the case. All my responses have been based on the information the OP wishes to give to us - and I stand by what I say.

And you know what? I don't believe OP for a second that she forgot about her bag.

Picture the scene.

A self confessed bag junkie, with a Birkin that she's excited enough about that she said here she specifically chose to bring to work that day because it's all shiny new to her.

And she's going to the house of two besties for whom cooing over bags has been part of their friendship for TWENTY YEARS?

You have to pick up a bag as you leave a car, it's not a necklace you can forget you're wearing. You think OP didn't have a little frisson of excitement picking up that bag to walk in, knowing the reception it would get?

None of that excuses Friend A rolling her eyes, but you know? I call bullshit on what OP says, because I don't believe that bag junkie meeting squealy bag junkie friends with possibly the most exciting handbag she has ever owned walked into that house not thinking about that bag. Not buying it.

why should op... sothe the brow of friend having a wobbler?

Because that's what being a good friend is. Picking them up when they are down.

Nope, I never suggested OP had fertility issues. I did mention fertility issues, but would never speculate they applied to the OP. I said that the emotional pain of fertility issues could never be lessened by all the money in the world as an example of why money sometimes does not make any difference at all. You are the one relating it to OP.

And OP is human too - its natural to react when you are jumped on by a "friend" criticising how you chose to live your life. Yes, in a perfect world everyone would be able to brush aside personal attacks and always think of the other person first.

But in RL, at the end of a busy working day, you arrive looking forward to a nice evening with old friends and the first thing that happens is that your mate launches into you? For all friend A knew, OP could have been going through some equally crappy times and needed some compassion and understanding from her pals - but instead she got attacked for a bloody handbag.

With hindsight, OP has recognised she didn't behave well, and is willing to apologise. I think that shows she is sensitive and caring. And happens to like expensive handbags, which isn't a crime and actually does not impact on Friend A at all, except for the fact that she might get to borrow it in the future.

Another reason it's so hard for Friend A is that you all grew up together with presumably similar circumstances - not like you VinoTime where your friend has always been rich and you never have.

So all three of you grew up thinking that one day perhaps, just perhaps, you might own something fabulous like a Birkin. Now you have one that your wealthy husband bought, your friend is saving for one, and Friend A has no chance in hell to get one, she would have to win the lottery. And she probably can't even afford a ticket.

Have a bit of sympathy for her - her circumstances are massively different to your own. It would be such a shame for your friendship to end - it sounds like she really needs friends.

I think go over, with wine and a bit of nice deli food, in your non work clothes, give her a massive hug and talk it out. Oldest, dearest friends are a once in a lifetime gift.

Here we go again with the melodrama.

No, nobody said that liking posh handbags was a crime. However, the OP's habit of flaunting expensive handbags clearly has an effect on friend A. Hence her behaviour on seeing the OP's latest trophy.

The OP said nothing about fertility problems. Why are some posters still harping on about it? I don't understand the relevance to this thread. Why bring it up at all?

The OP mentioned that she'd noticed friend A rolling here eyes on previous occasions when the OP had something new and expensive to flaunt. It can't have been a shock when friend A cracked.

OP, do as freeble suggested and save your friendship. Be a bit sympathetic; it can't be easy for friend A. Writing her off as 'jealous' is pretty unfair, I think.

Sorry, her eyes.

Bringing up her marriage breakdown was a really low blow.

I think in the moment she just said what she really feels- that friend A made a poor choice of husband and now is dealing with the repercussions of that choice.