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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can wear and buy whatever I want?

303 replies

Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 14:34

I have just got into a fight with one of my very good friends and a whole load of feelings were let out and I'm not sure which one of us was reasonable and should apologise, but I feel quite angry and attacked.

I went to visit her (along with another of our mutual close friend) at her place for a girls night in. I finished work late so went straight to hers , which is quite usual anyway. I get there, she looks me up and down, rolls her eyes and walks off 5 the kitchen. I shouted after and asked what the problem was. She said and I quote "is that a new bag? Again? " I ofcourse answered honestly and said yes and then got excited with my other friend who was checking out my bag.

Anyway, this led to friend A talking about how I always show off and buy ridiculously expensive things when I know that she is struggling and can't afford it. She then started listing all the things I have recently bought and how much they cost.

The most annoying part which made me angry was that she started going on about how she works 2 jobs and much harder than me and yet can't afford all these things and is struggling to feed her kids. She knows damn well that I work very hard in a pressured role and have made many sacrifices for my career. Anyway, after I also said some home truths, I stormed out and I believe friend B made her excuses to leave too. Please tell me she is in the wrong and I am justified to feel angry !

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 22:24

I hate the way people automatically assume people are jealous. I wonder whether one of the things we always say to our children if another child is horrible to them is "Oh, they are just jealous". We've heard it so often that it becomes a blanket explanation and absolves us from looking at our own behaviour.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 22:25

Who Cover what? I simply don't believe you. You don't not realise you are using a Birkin bag, especially when it clearly is a big thing to you.

Original poster
Whoiswrong · 15/08/2015 22:29

paul ofcourse I realise but when you leave the house at 6am changing your bag is not the the first thing on your mind. When you finish work late , going all the home to change a bag and then go to your friend is not even anywhere near your mind. Why would I think to hide my bag from someone I consider a sister ?

What I meant was; after a long day I wasn't thinking about my bag and even forgot about it. It was not me who brought it up.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 15/08/2015 22:35

Anyone who'd spend 8k on a bag is a prize prat IMO regardless of anything else in the OP

Gabilan · 15/08/2015 22:41

"what she needs to do is grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her life instead of blaming it on others."

I've made some bad decisions in my life. I didn't think they were bad decisions at the time. I didn't set about to think "I know, let's destroy my career. Then work hard to sort it out. Then destroy it again". I take responsibility for the bad decisions in my life and I've learned from them but it doesn't mean I have to like what's happened. I made the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time and there is a large element of luck in what went wrong. I imagine most of us have at some stage done something stupid and either got away with it and thought "phew" or had to sit and watch our lives collapse around our ears.

I don't think anyone comes out well in this. And I do think the fact that it is a Birkin is relevant. I'm not into bags and even I've heard of them. I can imagine that if I were struggling to manage 3 kids on my own and someone walked into my house carrying a bag that retails for around £8k I'd find my eyerolling muscles a bit overworked. A few hundred quid and I'd think "meh, that's life" but a few 1000? I might not say anything for a while. I might try to suck it up and engage in chit chat about the bags and try to be pleased for them but if someone kept coming in with ever more expensive bags, eventually I'd crack.

ElkeDagMeisje · 15/08/2015 22:51

Who are all these people who have the luxury of planning their daily work and social outfits, down to their bags? Seriously? You leave the house in the morning and, instead of thinking about that report you have to write/train connection you have to make/email you have to answer, you think to yourself "aha! I must take a less offensive bag, just in case my long time separated but not yet divorced ranty friend is annoyed by my sartorial choice!" And then off you trot, back to your cupboard, to root out a less offensive bag, putting all your things, purse, tickets, cards, make up, emergency toiletries, etc. into new choice of bag.

Wow. How super-organised the people on here must be.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 22:54

Grin at it not being the women squealing about an overpriced vulgar handbag who are being told to grow up.....

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 15/08/2015 22:59

I'm sorry. Somebody who snipes at a friend's good fortune is a cruddy friend. I don't give a flying monkey shit how crap their own life is, you just do not indulge in that sort of petty childishness.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/08/2015 23:05

Who are all these people who have the luxury of planning their daily work and social outfits, down to their bags?

Presumably people who are into bags. (Like the Op.) Why else would you own more than one bag if not to use them with different outfits etc. (I own one handbag, one changing bag, one day to day rucksack and one camping rucksack.)

NobodyLivesHere · 15/08/2015 23:06

Have you thought OP that prehaps she actually IS struggling to feed her kids, but is embarrassed to say so, that she's ashamed and stressed and worried all the time about how shes going to pay for that weeks meals. I'm in that position. But even my best friends and family dont know because I'd rather starve than tell anyone? She was wrong to blow up the way she did, but I can see how it happens. When you are broke and living hand to mouth seeing that kind of extravagance can be the last straw.

Gabilan · 15/08/2015 23:09

I use a bag I got free from a conference. I stuff it inside a bike pannier that's 15 years old. It does have the advantage that it doesn't provoke jealousy and is unlikely to be nicked. It does have the disadvantage that the conference was about sexual health and this fact is emblazoned on the side of the bag.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 23:11

Elke Those who realise that a Birkin bag is worth thousands. It is not the type of bag you chuck around willy nilly. If you do then you have serious money to burn and if that is the case with the OP, then I don't understand her squealing and excitement in front of her other friend.

I own relatively expensive pieces, I am even fortunate to own a Birkin (A graduation present from a wealthy uncle). I treat it carefully and believe me, it is chosen to go with what I am wearing. It's not just dragged out the wardrobe randomly. Not an everyday handbag.

Selks · 15/08/2015 23:18

Struggling to understand how anyone who is a kind or nice person can justify spending thousands of pounds on a crappy BAG when so many people in this world are living hand to mouth. So shallow and selfish.

OP, your friend was unreasonable to launch an attack on you, but you sound breathtakingly insensitive to her situation to waltz round there with a stupidly expensive bag. You are both in the wrong in my opinion. You could do with learning a bit more tact and sensitivity.

redskirt3 · 15/08/2015 23:22

You were not being unreasonable. I have had friends in the past who insinuate that it's unfair that I have more than them. It annoys the hell out of me because in each case they have made choices which led to them being in the worse-off position......choices which did not involve the financial and social sacrifices I made and my parents made, as well as the sheer hard work, that led me to be in a better position.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 23:23

Wow. Thatcher's Britain, as I live and breath.....

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 23:28

Look. This friend has behaved in a particular way for 20 years. On one night she behaves really uncharacteristically. And instead of thinking "Shit, what's happening here?" and sitting her down with a bottle of wine and talking it out, the OP lashes out and tells her what crap life choices she has made. That doesn't fit with my definition of friendship.

Selks · 15/08/2015 23:29

Indeed, BertrandRussell.

user838383 · 15/08/2015 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apricotdanish · 15/08/2015 23:36

Struggling to understand how anyone who is a kind or nice person can justify spending thousands of pounds on a crappy BAG when so many people in this world are living hand to mouth. So shallow and selfish.

She didn't buy the bag it was a gift and it's pretty shallow to judge someone's moral fibre based on a material possession.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 15/08/2015 23:37

It annoys the hell out of me because in each case they have made choices which led to them being in the worse-off position......choices which did not involve the financial and social sacrifices I made and my parents made, as well as the sheer hard work, that led me to be in a better position.

Just keep patting yourself on the back. Biscuit

ElkeDagMeisje · 15/08/2015 23:40

PaulAnkaTheDog Elke Those who realise that a Birkin bag is worth thousands. It is not the type of bag you chuck around willy nilly. If you do then you have serious money to burn and if that is the case with the OP, then I don't understand her squealing and excitement in front of her other friend.

I own relatively expensive pieces, I am even fortunate to own a Birkin (A graduation present from a wealthy uncle). I treat it carefully and believe me, it is chosen to go with what I am wearing. It's not just dragged out the wardrobe randomly. Not an everyday handbag.

Suitably chastised, I shall try and remove the oil stains from my ancient LV wot I bot myself and wot is now as deeply non-U as a bolter. although I'm surprised they even let me in the shop as opposed to a suitably distant relative

I've got several others at the back of the wardrobe, but I'm not even going there...

OP, enjoy your bag!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 15/08/2015 23:42

I use a bag I got free from a conference. I stuff it inside a bike pannier that's 15 years old. It does have the advantage that it doesn't provoke jealousy and is unlikely to be nicked. It does have the disadvantage that the conference was about sexual health and this fact is emblazoned on the side of the bag.

Star post of the thread Gablian! I really want to know exactly what is on that bag!

Strokethefurrywall · 15/08/2015 23:45

Oh FFS - yes all those who spend lots of money on bags, jewelry, cars, holidays are all selfish and shallow fuckers. I'm lucky enough to be in a position to be able to afford pricey things but I also give a large proportion of my money and time to charities. Saying all wealthy people are selfish and shallow is as much bullshit as saying all people who claim benefits are feckless scroungers.

And also - The bag WAS A GIFT!!!!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 23:50

strokethefurrywall (excellent name btw) What do you seem as a 'large proportion'? Not meant in a rude way, I'm genuinely interested. How do you decide awhat charities and go about your donations?

ElkeDagMeisje · 15/08/2015 23:54

Sometimes its better to be understated about things PaulAnka rather than telling every man and his dog about the detail.

FWIW the OP has not come across as boasting or crude and doesn't actually seem the type to whip up her friend into a frenzy of bag rage deliberately.