About daughter getting into uni

[ComeTheRawPrawn]

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

outtolunchagain I think you may be right.

OP, DD's behaviour you describe in the OP sounds a bit extreme rather than normal teenager behaviour. Did something upset her six months ago? How were her AS and GCSE results?

It doesn't surprise me that she got into uni with those grades. Ultimately, universities are now businesses, and even the good ones need bums on seats. Maybe they had a low intake this year because the insurance places weren't taken up. I got into one of the best English courses in the UK with just an access course.

I think she's frightened OP. It's all becoming real for her now. I know she has been a pain in the ass but you need to try and support her now and show her that you're on her side. Things have been hostile between you for months and so you are both expecting the worst from each other.

Who is she more willing to listen to at the minute - you or DP? Whoever it is, go in now and tell her she needs to ring now if she wants to defer. She may not be deferring because she wants to go but can't think how to make it happen. Let the conversation arise and see what she says.

Those saying the Op's dd won't cope with those grades, I'm not so sure. If she'd worked her butt off yet still got those grades I'd be inclined to agree. She barely worked and got those grades so she must have some natural talent. If she does knuckle down when she gets there there is every chance she'll do well.

Financial that's a lot more difficult to cope.

Well, their acceptance of her grades has cheered up DD2 no end.

I think you have to let her go, tbh it will possibly do her the world of good.

Does she really want to defer or did she just agree because that's obviously what you want her to do. I think the finance discussion is part of the same decision. She needs all the facts and options on the table at once, so she can decide the best option.

Life isn't fair. Sometimes you work your hardest and don't get what you want. Sometimes you do no work and get more than you asked for. Sometimes there are consequences if you screw up and sometimes life hands you a free pass.

I think the most important lesson is to make the best of the opportunities life hands you and minimise the impact of the disappointments.

I did no work and got great grades. I assume I would have sickened you even more than your DD. If it is definitely her decision to go then you should encourage her freedom rather than having her sitting at home resenting you.

I am sceptical that she would not survive in Scotland, where I live, on the grant / loan / parental support she is entitled to. Also surprised about her owing you money - I never lend to my DC with the expectation of seeing it back. If she moves out you will not need to feed and clothe her etc. She is the oldest of your DC so putting my petulant 18 year old head on it was not her choice to have 3 more siblings and you have had 18 years to plan and save for her university life. Yes it is her job to get organised but she needs your input and you sound more like you are holding her back rather than encouraging her. You are putting her under huge pressure if you make her feel like you are just waiting to say "I told you so" and telling her how much she is costing you.

As to Ds in one year just mean that she got Ds/Es in the 2nd year exams. And A at AS usually translates to an E for the whole A level. So she must be capable, just, as OP said, she switched off.

Redbrick uni in Scotland? Living costs will vary dramatically depending on whether it's Saint Andrews, Edinburgh or Glasgow. Glasgow is much cheaper than the other two. She could save a lot of money by being in a flat share. Provided she isn't too fussy she should be able to join an existing flatshare.

I would be wary about deferring. the uni has offered her a place on very reduced grades because there's a space they need to fill. that place may well not exist next year, and they may not accept deferral. This could be her one chance to get on to the course she wants. I understand your trepidation and fear that she could waste the opportunity but I think carpe diem, she has the offer and the motivation to accept, deferring a year could mean one or both of those has gone. By all means make her work to support herself though.

So the moral,of the story is ---

Don't go to college, don't do any work, spend your time lying in bed or getting drunk. Treat your parents and I assume your siblings like dirt. Lie and steal from said parents.

Then when by some miracle you get into Uni , expect dad to work loads of extra hours, and the rest of the family to go without so you can go off and do what ????? Suddenly get an attack of conscience and work, get a part time job , think "oh aren't I lucky , I will work hard to get on in life and make my parents sacrifices worth it !!!!!"

OR

Just carry on as before --- Party central. While the mugs at home are working and living a basic lifestyle!
From what the OP has written I don't think her daughter is about to change anytime soon. She obviously knows her daughter better than any of us and she doesn't seem hopeful.

Also surprised about her owing you money - I never lend to my DC with the expectation of seeing it back. If she moves out you will not need to feed and clothe her etc. She is the oldest of your DC so putting my petulant 18 year old head on it was not her choice to have 3 more siblings and you have had 18 years to plan and save for her university life. Yes it is her job to get organised but she needs your input and you sound more like you are holding her back rather than encouraging her. You are putting her under huge pressure if you make her feel like you are just waiting to say "I told you so" and telling her how much she is costing you

REALLY !
Maybe this girl needs some pressure put on her- to grow up and join the real world, where you get out, what you put in. When does this girl start to take some responsibility.
and as for " it was not her choice to have 3 more siblings and you have had 18 years to plan and save for her university" why not get the 3 siblings out working after school to provide for 'The Special One'

I sympathise as have a teenager who has been similarly difficult this year. She, luckily, got the grades. But I have heard many have got offers even with lowered results or straight out unconditional from the get go.

I really think you should push her to go. The chance may not be here next year, she could get a boyfriend and not want to go etc. Whilst she is keen send her.

We are in the same boat moneywise. Can't afford to contribute much yet student loans expect us to. DD will have just enough to live on if she budgets carefully and will need a part time job any in the low middle income brackets will have to do the same.

BDD aren't particularly bad grades for someone who didn't open a text book since Christmas. She probably has the intellect to do fine. But does she have the motivation?

I fear that if she doesn't go now, she might just get bogged down at home, with a dead-end job and the same destructive behaviour. Uni could be a new start.

My DS opted out of academic life in the sixth form, he was horrible, abusive and lazy. He was offered a foundation year at a RG group with much worse grades than BDD. Decided he'd go as all his mates were going.

It has been the absolute making of him: he is going into his final year sitting on a very solid 2i and, more importantly, we have our lovely happy positive boy back.

Help her to go OP, she needs a fresh start. It's not about making her pay for all the trouble she's caused. She's a teenager, they are often stupid and selfish. Draw a line under it now and move on. My DS was a horrid ungrateful little git right up until we dropped him off. A month later he was a different boy.

She might get lucky. I got fired when I was 17, looked for another job a few months later when a new bar was opening and was offered the job. I dont know whether they checked my references, because it would of been abysmal especially after what I called the manager, but I still got offered a job and worked my backside off for 18 months- only left because I was moving out of the area and they tried offering me a promotion to stay. So dont take that as the be all and end all.

As for uni- you cant stop her. She is an adult. Whether she acts like it or not- you have no power over her decisions so if she is going- she is going.

But until she starts acting like an adult- stop the financial support. And make it clear from the word go you wont be bailong her out anymore. Because if you continue to do so- why should she stop with her bad behaviour knowing mummy and daddy will bail her out? Because she wont- and im saying that as someone who isnt much older than her myself.

I wouldn't stop her from going and also wouldn't pay a cent towards her studies.

this could be the exact lesson she needs.

Look if you don't let her go this year she going to resent you and be at home for a year with no guarantee she will get a job.

She applied to uni. She got into uni . Whether you think she did good enough is kind of irrelevant. Uni feel it's good enough.

She can apply for finance without you. I did I just had to sign I had no financial link with my parents as I was no contact.

Op, i was a hideous teen. I was so awful to my parents and very nearly went down some very bad paths when I left college. I scraped a place at uni and my parents supported me even though I had been such a bitch to them.
I really sorted my head out at uni, that's where I grew up and learnt to appreciate my parents and the sacrifices they made for me.
I remain eternally grateful to them, I will always regret my behaviour in my teens but for the last twenty odd years we have had a brilliant relationship.
I know everyone's different but that's my story in case it helps at all.

I think the way you speak of your daughter is very very sad.If you really can't afford to help her at all at uni then that's that, but to link it in any way to her behaviour is wrong.You are a parent your love and support for your daughter should be unconditional.
The uni seem to have seen something special in your DD to admit so far under the entry requirements.I think you should be proud and praising her up.I woud be very concerned at her change in attitude over the last year.Has something happened you don't know about? is she depressed?

You're treating her like a child by letting her defer. I'm guessing that she will now spend a year bumming around whilst you provide a roof over her head. After all if you couldn't get her to go to lessons I can't see how you'll be able to get her to go to work.

Letting her defer gives her a year's breathing space to get herself together. Or it gives her another year to mess about avoiding making a commitment. Which do you think it is?

I agree too that this is an opportunity she may not get again (unless you've checked about possibility of deferring?)
Either way personally I think there's little to be gained from another year at home
Time to seize the moment with a degree of excitement at life's next chapter from you both?

And SF is a minefield the first time for parents, let alone a student. Dd1 sorted it herself but dd2 got in a right tangle! She will need you to help her with that.

I don't think bdd is a bad result.

In science a levels 59 percent would roughly correlate to just shy of a c (grade d). Where as in a science degree it would correlate to just missing out on a 2.1.

Many many students go to uni and do well on those grades. Maybe not Russell group universities but still universities none the less.

I think she has done well considering she's barely opened a book.

Let her go. Call student finance to get that cleared in your head. Try to support her and say you are proud of her. What is the worst that can happen? The finance companies will soon get in touch if she doesn't attend. Best of luck!