About daughter getting into uni

[ComeTheRawPrawn]

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

The other thing is that she'll have moved away and will be mixing with a new set of students. Presumably they will mostly be serious about their studying and will be a positive influence. Maybe it will be the making of her. But it has to be a two way thing.

I struggled at a redbrick university studying English with BBB grades. The university I work at now wouldn't have offered her a place on such a grade drop and that's not even a redbrick university. Yesterday in Clearing we weren't even accepting people who fell by 20 points onto the English course - because they'll struggle.

Having worked with young people as a mentor and a teacher I would agree with coolaschmoola. After university I went to live abroad by myself for a while, without friends and family around it was the biggest learning curve of my whole life in a very short space of time.

Sometimes a complete change of scenery with new friends, new teachers in a new place makes a huge difference to teenagers.

I don't understand why you wouldn't support your dd's loan application. She will be the one who is liable for the repayments and it won't impact on you financially at all. Definitely tell her you can't afford to supplement that with extra cash and stick to it.

Don't you want to take the chance that going off to a good uni could be a massive turning point for the better in your daughter's life? If she's bright but lazy she might not have found something that really grabs her enough to work for and the course could be it.

Practically at least she is out of your hair for a while.

I think you actually need to look at this as a fresh start for everyone. I had a horrendous relationship with my mother as a teenager, this improved no end once I'd moved out and we had some distance.

I think it is essential she take responsibility. While I agree with some of the other posters that she is an adult, it doesn't mean she gets what she wants. Sit her down and tell her that she can go if she finds a job to support herself and that she will not be getting financial support from you. Even with her poor employment history there are usually less desirable jobs like glass collecting, without the fun stuff like discounts that you can get if you try so put the ball in her court.

To the poster who commented she seems not to like her parents at the moment anyway, what a stupid comment. Giving in to her might get a moment of her being nicer and warmer but will teach her nothing. Parenting means tough life lessons alongside loving care.

The best Things for her is to go away to uni. She will be fine. She will grow up there. It will be the making other. Trust me. My daughter was very much the same , she is now a responsible adult teaching physics. Who would have thought!

It's great to hear how people have managed to stand on their own two feet and turn their lives around.

But the OP's DD isn't like that, is she? It sounds like her rebellious phase has been full-on and she still isn't ready to become independent.

You're between a rock and a hard place, OP. For your family finances you'd be better off if she deferred. But then the next year could be hell for you all. If she goes this year, she's learned nothing about actions and consequences and you will all feel resentful that you're paying (literally) for her to do what she wants.

Your planned approach to the conversation sounds very wise. Do come back and let us know how it goes.

Honestly, I would let her go but have no (or minimal - no weekly allowance, just 100 quid or so to get her started) financial input. Let her know where the hardship fund office is at the uni and be very clear that if she doesn't get a job you won't be bailing her out.

I can't see any good coming from keeping her home another year.

Places in cheaper halls may well open up, she needs to keep checking in with the housing office (or go on the waiting list if there is one)

The university will have to be willing to let her defer. With those grades, while they might be willing to accept her this year, it may not be the case that they wish to keep a deferred place for her.

However, I'm not sure that I would want to financially support someone with those grades and, most importantly, that attitude - and certainly not if you would be struggling financially to do so. It's hard to see how things would improve in a situation that requires more self-motivation, plus keeping up with peers who have achieved higher grades and are more engaged with study. I am also shocked that the university have accepted her. I teach in a RG university and we would never accept an applicant who has missed their offer to that extent - we offer AAB and the most we would drop to is ABB. But I do know that other RG universities are aggressively chasing numbers by offering unconditional offers, etc (so, in theory, someone could get on, say, a AAA course with DDD). I think this will come back to haunt them in the -not-too distant future when student satisfaction plummets through the floor. They are packing more and more students in - and with increasing gaps in A-level attainment - and not increasing staffing (in fact, some are making academic staff redundant and using PhD students to teach).

Op
All your negativity you're showing on here towards your dd makes me think you probably make her feel incompetent, and this may be a reason why she 'rebels'.

As others have said, she's 18!
She's old enough to make her own choices, and if she makes mistakes she will have to learn from them.

I would tell her that you can't afford to financially help her out as money is tight, but encourage her to go to uni anyway. Also, there are jobs about, she doesn't need to inform a potential employer about her job history.

If she starts to believe that you have confidence in her then she'll have more confidence in herself!

Give her whatever support you can and let her fly the nest
Sounds like that will be good for you both

I'd let her/encourage her to go for it now if I were you

Honestly, I would let her go but have no (or minimal - no weekly allowance, just 100 quid or so to get her started) financial input. Let her know where the hardship fund office is at the uni and be very clear that if she doesn't get a job you won't be bailing her out.

Exactly that. And if you are willing to give a little money to help set her up, it might be better to do it by actually buying a few bits she actually needs (kitchen stuff, textbooks) rather than giving her money. TBH that's all we will be able to do with my DSCs and DCs, because we simply aren't in a position to do more, and they all appreciate that. Plenty of undergrads in the exact same position from poor families. They manage.

I would definitely support her loan application, as others have said, it's her responsibility. Just help her write out a budget (which she will probably ignore, for the beginning at least - but that's her problem).

But doing overtime to cover her mistakes? No way in hell.

I'm shocked she can do English on those grades and think she will seriously struggle in terms of study skills and commitment. ( said as an English graduate). Presumably the B was in English? I guess she may become eligible for other sources of income if she says she is otherwise unsupported and speaks to the college finance department. Agree a deferral and maybe resits would be a good idea long term but you can't make her.

Maybe get her to start thinking about the practicalities. Is it far away from you? Is it an expensive city? Can she put together a financial plan?

But as Abrecht says, it is also about whether she will use her independence in a positive way and put in the hours. Otherwise, it is a wasted (expensive) opportunity rather than a second chance.

Don't forget that you are the recipient of the punishment if she doesn't go

I have to think that every time I ground a teenager and they hang around the house making life difficult for me.

I promise your life will improve immeasurably once she's gone. Even if you can only afford ten quid a week to support her she'll just have to get a job or stay in and eat pasta.

She's got time to get herself a job before uni starts. Could she be a bit creative and say she's not worked yet? Then she doesn't have to mention the sacking.

I'd want her to go and will mean new friends, new area will stop her behaving as she has this year. It's a great opportunity for her to change.

As far as money is concerned I'd give her some to get her started then she's on her own.

Let her go. She might surprise you all. DD3 was a nightmare the year before she went to uni. She was terrible with money and stayed out late. Anyway going to uni was the making of her. She realised she needed to get assignments in on time or she would fail. Yes she still did things last minute but she did them on time. She learnt how to handle her money better she was still not great but she didn't run out.
She finished uni with a 2:1 degree and has grown up into a pleasant mature young lady.

Let her go but do not support her financially.

I was in a similar postion at 18, although not due to poor behaviour but crippling anxiety. I was 150 UCAS points short of my course requirement due to missing so much college with panic attacks but for some reason they let me in anyway (God knows how, was a very competitive course, the only one of its combination in the country at the time I believe).
My mum was struggling financially and couldn't assist me in any way so I went with my summer job savings and found a bar job within a week because I had to. I worked hard both in my course and at the bar and I managed to get some time to play hard too! just not every night like my parentally supported housemates.

Sadly I didn't get to finish my course due to my mum being taken very ill and needing me to care for her (not feasible from 200miles away!) and by the time it was time to go back I'd got myself a good job and met DP who is now DH. I couldn't financially afford to complete the course and didn't want to leave again.

I wish her the best of luck with her massive reality check. She needs it and she will either sink or swim. (but if she sinks and comes home, she will have to get a job and support herself!)

Tough love time I'm afraid.

If she defers a year she won't be entitled to a grant.

She is an adult now, you can't stop her from going to uni if she wants, and it sounds like you would benefit from her leaving home. Help her to apply for student finance, and give her what you can afford in terms of financial help, but set clear boundaries.

To the poster who commented she seems not to like her parents at the moment anyway, what a stupid comment.

That would have been me. Can you explain what makes you think it's such a stupid comment?

From the sounds of her behaviour it certainly sounds like she doesn't like her parents, the same as plenty of rebellious teens.

OP I was in a similar position to your DD when I was 18 (though without the exceptionally poor behaviour, I basically dropped out of sixth form during my parents' divorce), my grades were much worse than your DD's and I accidentally got into a good University to study a Science subject, only because I forgot to cancel my UCAS application!

So I went to Uni on a bit of a whim, I did get accommodation and sorted student finance - it depends how motivated your DD is! I failed my first year as I carried on the way I was in sixth form, but it gave me a huge kick up the bum and I realised I DID want to sort it out. I grew up a bit, resat the year properly, worked well throughout and ultimately came out with a 2:1. I now work as a teacher (ironic considering the hash I made of sixth form!)

I also vote let her go, she will learn a few life lessons and will grow up a bit even if Uni doesn't work out. As others have said it could well be the making of her, and some distance might be good for your relationship. You do need to give her the financial details for her student finance (I think it would cause some real damage to your relationship if you refused her that), but you have no obligation to support her. That said, depending on how much you earn, she might not have a lot left over from her loan, ironically she will be better off if you earn less which sounds ridiculous! You can always support by buying her a few bits to go away with, doing a bit of an online shop for her every month etc.

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out

Amazing that those results get Uni acceptance in England when here in Scotland the young people have to jump through hoops for As and Bs to get a sniff.

Not supporting her financially is one thing not supporting her student loan application is something completely different. I think that is petty and spiteful and could cause irredeemable damage to your relationship.

She has clearly behaved very badly but do you really think she will improve stuck at home with all her friends off to uni? Having to fall back on the few who have neither a job or college for company. That sounds less than a lesson for the future more than a lifetime of being to blame every problem in her life on your decision now. You do actually sound a little vengeful, remember she is still your DD.

Dont stop her from going but make it very clear you will not be financially propping her up. Has she actually said she expects your OH to do overtime to subsidise her ?

Chuck some money on a Sainsburys card (do they still do those?) but make it clear she will need to get a job