About daughter getting into uni

[ComeTheRawPrawn]

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

Amazing that those results get Uni acceptance in England when here in Scotland the young people have to jump through hoops for As and Bs
to get a sniff.

A Levels are a higher standard than Scottish Highers (or whatever the equivalent is these days.

All students require the same amount of UCAS points to gain a specific Uni place, but a B @ A Level, will have a higher number of points than a B @ Higher grade.

Hence why Highers only take 1 year, and Scottish students can sit 2 lots (or go on to advanced Highers)

I also got a place through clearing and my parents would have described me as a nightmare teen (i wasn't as bad as they made out but that's a different story). I got a 2:1 degree, worked all the way through uni, got a better paid job on graduation than my sister who went to a top UK university and now have a professional post graduate qualification and do alright-for-myself-thank-you-very-much.

My parents did support me through my undergraduate degree. I supported myself through my post grad.

For the poster being sniffy about the Scottish thing, I'm going to narrow it down a lot here now, but it is a Scottish uni. So bit less of English/Scottish rivalry please.

Did she know that applying to university was dependent on keeping her job? And also that your reduced income would mean no support financially? Otherwise it's a bit harsh on her to go through the motions of applying for a place, staying with her course and then getting a place only for it to be sprung on her that it won't be possible to go anyway.

Is your partner her dad? If not, what's their relationship like generally? It's just that you've referred to him as "my partner" a couple of times and also his overtime cutting into family time, both of which seem to kind of exclude your dd...apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree!

19lottie - but remember that Scottish pupils will be sitting 5/6 Highers as opposed to 3 A levels so are working just as hard to get their A grades in one year.

Our Advanced Highers are worth more credit points than A levels.

If your partner is not her father she has a legal right in English law to require the non resident parent to contribute to university.

Secondly you cannot stop her going as she is an adult but yes you can refuse to pay anything. She may be able to manage without your paying anything. I would send her off - she will soon grow up once there.

That form of acceptance is unusual although there seems to be a bit of a N/S divide. The better Southern universities are not letting people in with the lower grades.

She's an adult and you need to treat her as one. You can't stop her going, but you can give her clear boundaries and let her make her own mind up. You will give her x amount of money per month and she needs to find the rest herself. If she tosses it off, let her lecturers worry about that and let her deal with the consequences.

I am still surprised that an RG university accepted BDD. Especially for a high demand course like English.

Another one here who 'turned it around'. Predicted A's/Oxbridge yadda yadda... Got disolusioned/into partying in my final year. Got BBD and in to uni in clearing, buggered about at uni too until they nearly kicked me out (in 2nd year). It was the making of me, sorted myself out, graduated with a 2:i, the Masters and professional career....
Honestly, let her go, help a bit, but for gods sake don't give her tonnes of cash.. She'll have to come to her own decisions

Student Loans can be based on current year's income if it has dropped by 15% from the previous year (on which it is usually assessed).

There is a special form to complete.

NoMore is right about that. Another thing to add to the to do list . Check the uni's own bursaries which can be based on income.

I am still surprised that an RG university accepted BDD. Especially for a high demand course like English.

So am I. Especially as DS2 spent most of the day with his distraught friends, who got better grades than that but didn't get on his English course!

*distraught friend. There was only one of them

The fact that this is a Scottish university might explain it. They get £9,000 a year from a student from England - which makes such applicants very attractive in comparison with Scottish and EU applicants.

I've not read the full thread but if she goes, it might be the making of her. Her A level grades are immaterial, if she goes to uni, grows up a bit and puts the work in she might do very well. She might accept uni tutors keeping her on track more than school/sixth form college tutors.

As for the money issue - she doesn't need to tell a future employer that she was a sacked from a part-time job. I was sacked from a waitressing job after 3 days (and not even to my face, the owner told my friend, who he'd also sacked to tell me not to come back either) and it never affected my attempts to get jobs elsewhere. She can get references from school or other adults she knows (has she ever done anything like guides or swimming or any other out of school activity)?

She can go. You are under no obligation to fund her, you could help with food parcels and a railcard but tell her she'll have to maintain herself.

Even if your DD had got 4A*s, you would still not be able to support her financially. She must already know about your financial situation as it presumably got discussed when she was making UCAS plans, so it won't come as a surprise or feel as though you are punishing her in anyway.

She wants to leave home, you want her to leave home. So fill in whatever forms will help her to leave home, being clear that you won't be able to help financially.
If the first term goes well, then maybe you can look at finding small ways to help her with money. Maybe use some of the money you save on your food bills to send her some occasional Tesco (or wherever) vouchers or a phone top up card. Anything essential but hard to squander. But only if you want to.

I've not read the full thread but if she goes, it might be the making of her. Her A level grades are immaterial, if she goes to uni, grows up a bit and puts the work in she might do very well. She might accept uni tutors keeping her on track more than school/sixth form college tutors.

As for the money issue - she doesn't need to tell a future employer that she was a sacked from a part-time job. I was sacked from a waitressing job after 3 days (and not even to my face, the owner told my friend, who he'd also sacked to tell me not to come back either) and it never affected my attempts to get jobs elsewhere. She can get references from school or other adults she knows (has she ever done anything like guides or swimming or any other out of school activity)?

You are under no obligation to fund her, you could help with food parcels and a railcard but tell her she'll have to maintain herself.

TheHormonalHooker, DD is in adjustment and spent yesterday on the phone trying to get a place for English at an RG university. All are full.

Is your DS2's friend trying Clearing? Sussex has dropped its requirement enormously, from AAA to BBB (or 35 to 31 for IB).

We had plenty of conversations about her job being essential to going to uni! Being the eldest of 4 means she very much knows that it wouldn't be bank of mummy and daddy.

He is her father yes. Cutting into family time wouldn't be excluding her, she wouldn't be here, she'd be at uni and we'd lose out on the family to with the other 3.

Thanks for the info about the reduced income, that will certainly help!

And I'm sorry to all the people who don't believe she got in and their child who worked hard missed out, I genuinely am, I wish they'd got their places, my daughter is very lucky and I don't think she realises how much. It's part of my concerns, it feels like she hasn't felt the consequences of the lack of work.

But now it's not her life that will be affected - it's ours. She expects my dh to do overtime to replace her lost wages at uni.

Just out of interest, why does she expect that? My dd is also about to leave for uni and she doesn't expect anything from us. She has applied for loans and worked out that she needs to earn about £50 a week to make ends meet.

19lottie - but remember that Scottish pupils will be sitting 5/6 Highers as opposed to 3 A levels so are working just as hard to get their A grades in one year.

Exactly. Scottish pupils have the chance to gain the same number of UCAS points by sitting a higher number of "easier" exams.

Bottom line is A Levels ARE harder than Highers, hence why lower grades are accepted in comparison to Scottish Highers.

I'm not saying Scottish students don't "work as hard" but English students don't have an advantage.