About daughter getting into uni

[ComeTheRawPrawn]

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

Yes he is Random. It was a hard day for him yesterday, he was the only one not to have got on his course out of their bog group of friends. Fingers crossed he'll get somewhere.

Good luck to your DD.

Your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age, except I was possibly worse behaved! My mum now says that, if I hadn't left for Uni at 18, she would have had to throw me out as I was that unbearable to live with!

I went to Uni straight after my A-levels only because I realised that leaving it one more year (this was 1997) would mean I'd probably have to pay fees and would miss out on a grant. Turns out that was prescient, as Blair imposed the new regime right after my intake!

Anyway, I have to admit, I did coast through university, and I'm the first to admit that I would have benefited from a year's National Service (or similar)! However, I did graduate, I've done a couple of postgrads, and I've got a very good job.

Sometimes, you just have to push them out of the nest and let them make their own mistakes. Infantilising her further by 'telling' her she can't go will have the opposite effect of the one you desire.

Also, many, many students have no help from mummy and daddy. Let her live on loans and a part time job like 75% of other students do. It will do her good!

When you fill in the student loan forms they ask how many children you have still living at home and allow for that.

DS2 is doing Adult Nursing so he gets a NHS bursary. DH earns more tha your DH earnt last year but DS2 is still getting enough to live on without help. We will help him, though, probably not in terms of hard cash but I'll do him a Tesco shop to be delivered with things like pasta, baked beans etc with the money that'll be saved from him not living at home and leaving the lights and TV on all the bloody time.

Don't stop her going. She'll hate you forever and tbh living apart sounds like a good thing for all of you.

Another one who went through teen crisis during a-levels and scraped into poly uni anyway. It was the making of me. I was determined to prove I was better than my a-level results, and very aware I wouldn't get a better chance to do so (this is even more true for your daughter with her flukey RG place). Assume she's going to try her hardest and hope this turns out to be the case. To those PPs freaking out that she isn't bright enough - those are the results she got whilst going off the rails. They do not in any way represent the best she's capable of. I just got my masters with excellent grades throughout.

On the finances, though, if she knew her job was a vital part of the financial plan she can't expect her dad to work more hours just because she blew it. Her natural consequences come from having to scrabble to fill the funding gap she's created. Give her what you had originally planned to give her, minus the previous loan money she owes you. You might need to advance her a bit until her loan comes through/she gets a job, if you can trust her to pay you back...?

As an aside, I don't think lending teens money except for uni does them any favours in terms of preparing them to save for things they want.

Send off to uni with your blessing OP and wish her the best of luck.

Don't fund her though, this is literally the perfect way for her to sort herself out.

Perhaps give her £200 or something as a kick-off fund, then that's it.

She'll soon find herself a job.

DS1 drank us dry his first year at uni so I told him there was no more support from us for the remainder of the course. Surprise surprise he took up his student loans, got help from the university hardship fund and got a job. And no, it didn't affect our relationship with him negatively.

She's taking the piss. Time for tough love. If she really wants it, she will make it happen and that's a great life lesson.

Blimey - completely going off thread here, but this gives me hope - DD is crying her eyes out over yesterday's AS results - she got AABC and wanted AAAB - she thinks she won't get into her 1st choice RG uni to read History - I'll have to show her this thread to say all hope is not lost!

Xavier - get her onto her UCAS page, you never know what will have dropped in after close of play last night. She does not need to be worrying about it, she should have had confirmation by now... if not a phone call or 2 will sort it.

Did her school not walk her through the system yesterday? That is unacceptable behaviour on their part, she should have only been allowed to leave once they had given her a full game plan, UCAS instructions and phone numbers....

The best Things for her is to go away to uni. She will be fine. She will grow up there. It will be the making other. Trust me. My daughter was very much the same , she is now a responsible adult teaching physics. Who would have thought!

This is true for some but not others. A friends daughter was the same as the OP's . Promised she would change, study, work etc.
She did the opposite, didn't attend the classes, did no work either at Uni or part time work. Ran up loads of debt on student loans, overdrafts and credit cards. Got thrown out. It was a nightmare !

She's only at AS level lazy. I missed it first time reading and was cursing the school fog being useless too.

I wouldn't have so little hope of her getting a job. She is only 18 she could claim never to have had a job if that looks better than having been sacked. When I was at uni I worked for an agency doing bar work/waitressing. One of my colleagues was discovered turning up to work with a knife. And not a dinner knife for his packed lunch either. He was banned from working at that venue but they continued employing him elsewhere. I was continually astounded at what people could get away with! And if she gets in now she could sign up for agencies etc before big student influx in Sept/Oct.

She must have pretty good GCSEs and AS level results and predictions to secure an offer of AAB , so what on earth went wrong in the last 6 months , there must be more to this story than meets the eye .Is it possible that she has been accepted because he school wrote in mitigation.

On the Scottish thing the irony of the free fees for Scottish students is that the universities are only able to offer a certain amount of free places but can offer as many as they want to English students . The result is that at top Scottish universities the proportion of Scottish students relative to other nationalities has fallen .

When you fill in the student loan forms they ask how many children you have still living at home and allow for that.

No, I should not. She should have. And we told her repeatedly that the deadline was approaching and that any loans would be delayed if she didn't. She didn't do the loan apps and she didn't do the accommodation application either because she checked out of academic life completely.

As it happens, we've now discussed deferring and she's in agreement of that as an option but is currently lying in bed not phoning them! I have told her how important it is to find out if she can do it today, so she can act quickly with her options but my god will she listen! We're not having the finance discussion until she finds out if she can defer.

Yes, sorry lazy& ad purple* - I should have been clearer. Why are they AS and A2? Can't we just call them NotAlevels and A levels?

Sorry not RTFT so probably repeating what others have said but I would say that at 18 she is an adult and it's entirely her choice if she goes to Uni this year or not. However make it clear to her that being an adult works both ways and she's going to have to support herself financially, especially if supporting her will put you under lots of extra financial pressure and she's not made much effort to help herself. Time to let her stand on her own 2 feet and make her own mistakes I'm afraid.

What I meat was you both should have done it by now!

Is she scared? Why is she being so rebellious and why is she testing your boundaries to such an extent? Have you discussed those things with her, and I mean really discussed them, not in a 'why the hell are you doing this to us way' but in a 'what's bugging you, what are you scared of, what can we do to make it feel safer way'?

Completely agree with you OP - she should defer. For whatever reason she has made poor choices and is continuing to do so.

As well as the impact on your family, it's the message that it sends to the younger children as well.

Frankly, I think uni could be good for her. If she knows that she won't be able to make her rent unless she works, then she might buck her ideas up a bit. Even if she's been fired previously she should be able to find a Mcjob or bar work. Many places don't bother taking up references.

The alternative is her staying at home another year, with no real prospects and having to watch her friends go to uni. As someone who dropped out of sixth form and went through this myself, it was devestating for my self esteem. I imagine her rebellious behavior will only get worse.

Don't keep nagging her. Just quietly say "it's up to you if you bother ringing them. This is the last time I'm going to remind you. You are an adult. You make the decisions but you must also reap the consequences. We will not be bank rolling you from now on, either here at home or at university, unless we see some commitment from you. What happens from now on is totally up to you."

Then leave her to it.

OP the fact that she 'expects' your dh to work overtime to fund her makes me think that you have possibly been lenient on her in the past. Where else would she get that attitude from?

I think you should just tell her that, as of September 1st, if she is not in full time education she must either move out or pay rent. Then leave it up to her to choose.

Ive known people get As and Bs at level and a poor degree, or even drop out. Ive know people with Ds and Es at Alevel get firsts and 2:1s. She didnt get poor grades because she tried her best and couldnt do it. she did absolute minimum and got a B. explain she is on her own this year, and if (if you are willing) her commitment and grades show a massive improvement at the end of her first year, youll reconsider.

I'm astounded at the university accepting her with those grades. Can that really be right? One of DS's friends didn't get his firm because he got AAB instead of the required AAA.

Perhaps she has ten As at GCSE and excellent AS scores.

If that is the case what has gone so wrong in the last year, how has she gone from straight As to Ds , there must be more to this OP .