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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About daughter getting into uni

178 replies

ComeTheRawPrawn · 14/08/2015 08:39

I need some perspective here.

Daughter (18) has been horrendous to live with this year, to the point where we nearly asked her to go and live with her Gran for a while because she made things so unpleasant. Drinking, sleeping around, lying, spending our money on things we didn't want her to, getting sacked from part time job, refusing to attend 6th form. It's been a bad few months with her. We had daily phone calls from teachers stressing out about her lack of coursework and missed deadlines. It reached the point where, as much as I still love her, at the minute I don't really like her, nor do I trust her, due to the lying and money issues.

Results day came yesterday and she got poor grades compared to the requirements for uni. They wanted AAB and she got BDD. I thought this was a fair result considering she didn't crack a textbook open since Christmas. The uni have accepted her anyway!

I feel like she's learnt nothing from all the trouble she gave us, I feel very much that she doesn't deserve this place.

She wants to go to uni again now. My first concern is that she's shown such little academic commitment this year that she'll struggle with the independent learning of uni but accept that she will find out the hard way.

My other concern is that, having lost her part time job, the loan/grant she will get will by swallowed up by halls fees and she'll have nothing left to live on. She won't get another job easily, having been sacked. She didn't apply for halls or loans because she gave up on the idea of uni so of course all the cheapest halls will be taken. Her loan might not even cover all her rent now. She's expecting to go and for us to 'top her up' until she finds a job. I really begrudge this. In order for us to do this, we'd have to cut back to severe basics, our budget is tight as it is. My partner would have to do loads overtime just to keep our basic bills paid. I don't want us to do this for her after the things she's done this year. She's still not at all apologetic about any of it.

Aibu to say that she can't go this year and needs to defer a year? Next year, she'll get a better loan anyway, she can use this year to save up too, when she eventually finds a job. We could afford for her to live here & continue to feed her, and hopefully her lack of spends would motivate her to get a new job.

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 14/08/2015 09:02

Stop treating her like a child...
Not letting her go to uni? she's 18! when I was 2 years younger I had a child and ran my own home compared to that 18 is very much an adult, she can and will make this work and i also don't know why you've written her off employment wise as well :S Local(to her uni) bars and pubs there'll be loads will always want new staff, same with local supermarkets etc students will be first on the list. a minimum wage job at 20+ hours a week depending on her course hours will be enough for her to budget with if you include her loan. my partner (7yrs ago, so things have changed a bit but not that much) managed to go to uni 4 days a week and work a 25 hour work week for pizza hut/later a crown carvery. no experience is necessary for basic chefing/cook roles for example. my partner was 28 pounds overdrawn after paying his rent each term (not due to loan amount, very different circumstances involving parents) he still managed fine.

HighwayDragon · 14/08/2015 09:04

I am Shock that her college were calling you about her, she's an adult!

YUDOTHIS · 14/08/2015 09:06

Same here highway dragon. For that to be plausible/likely OP would need to have been very very very involved with her childs college education. far more involved than normal really.. I hope I don't come across as nasty OP this isn't my intention but it does seem you may be smothering her and this will worsen her acting out. 18 year olds act out a bit anyway but if you try to reign it in it'll get worse let them explore and fuck shit up frankly and then when shit hits the fan be a shoulder to cry on but hand them the mop and bucket so to speak.

Higheredserf · 14/08/2015 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/08/2015 09:07

A lot of people get through 'clearing' when it comes to people getting lower grades than anticipated. My guess is that Universities have to have a set number of students on each course and so when push comes to shove they lower their acceptance levels in order to get people on the course.

My Uni course required at least 3 Bs but a friend of mind got in with a BCD.

Anyways - I would pack your daughter off with minimal financial help and let her see what the real world is like. It sounds as though she's acting like a child who needs to grow up. She's got to learn to stand on her own two feet. It doesn't sound like she's got the right frame of mind to commit to a university course anyway so don't put yourself in financial jeopardy to find something that probably won't work out anyway.

If she truly wants to go to Uni and do this course, then she will find a way.

NannyFlower · 14/08/2015 09:07

"Well done for getting in DD. Unfortunately we can't support you financially so you'll need to sort that out yourself, but let us know if you want help filling in forms or applying for jobs"

Simple. Plenty of people do it. Don't be afraid to say no!

AllThatGlistens · 14/08/2015 09:09

Unfortunately I think you need to let her go and either sink or swim, if you're worried about her not being able to cope with budgets then I'd say it's probably the perfect time to learn, albeit the hard way.

Tis a valuable life lesson, and all that.

cjbk1 · 14/08/2015 09:11

YANBU OP, what, indeed will she learn about responsibility if she goes this sept/oct? I agree with everything you've said both as a parent and with my own uni experience fresh in my mind, I never picked up a job which didn't cost me tonnes of money while I was there by the way massive travel costs uniform etc no regular shifts
and having a hard lesson in independence just about killed off my poor relationship with my parents too, not made us closer as some have suggested, stand up to her, good luck

spreektengels · 14/08/2015 09:13

This is the perfect opportunity for her to realise actions have consequences! You can offer to help with a deposit towards accommodation as this is hard go come up with but the buck stops there. I wasn't financially supported through uni neither were any of my friends. Uni is a choice after all.

Original poster
ComeTheRawPrawn · 14/08/2015 09:14

It's not a case of not letting her go, but of not supporting her loan application.

LazyLohan, I didn't go into details but it went beyond normal teenage rebellion. I drank plenty in my teens and spent my money on crap but I held down my job, still went to school and didn't steal from my parents. Her drinking wasn't like that, it severely impacted on her life.

We aren't controlling about what she does, she can go out when she wants, but we talk about her about the consequences of it and then let her go and make the choice herself. Hence some of the dodgy choices this year. We've allowed her the chance to make those mistakes and learn the hard way because as we saw it, she's 18 and it's her life.

But now it's not her life that will be affected - it's ours. She expects my dh to do overtime to replace her lost wages at uni. We don't get a lot of family time and this will cut into it. And I think that us topping her up will make her less inclined to get a job at uni.

And no, it wasn't an unconditional place, it was very much a conditional, I don't understand how they've managed to let her in, but trust me, it's there on her ucas page! She was as shocked as we were tbh.

Yudothis, I commend you for what you did when you were that age, you sound very committed. Unfortunately, I don't think DD is at the minute and that's my concern.

Sorry I'm on the other page but I also agree with the reply that she will struggle with the workload. But she will have to find out for herself, she might be okay. She is clever, just not feeling very academic at the minute!

OP posts:
Notnownotthen · 14/08/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grapejuicerocks · 14/08/2015 09:14

I think that you need a calm conversation. Explain that you are reluctant to sacrifice yourselves if she isn't prepared to put any effort in, but that you want to support and encourage her to grab this second chance.

Investigate halls and loans etc. Tell her that you will be prepared to help her if she helps herself. She gets a job and knuckles down, you will contribute and dh will work overtime too. She doesn't bother with a job and spends everything immediately, then you will withdraw your financial support. Perhaps agree to match whatever money she brings in herself or something.

I think you need to wipe the slate clean and let her prove to you that she is serious about her studying.

tiggytape · 14/08/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SueBigFatSue · 14/08/2015 09:14

Are all the cheap halls definitely taken? At my uni and between my friends, we all were desperate to get into the nicest halls which were the most expensive Confused luxury over money, I guess. If not, she'll have to find a student house, they're significantly cheaper and generally, close to uni anyway. Not the same experience as living in halls which will be a shame, but if she can't get the cheap halls or a job, something is going to have to give.

Support her a little bit but don't cut back to the bare essentials so that's she's living the high life.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/08/2015 09:17

You obviously have to let her go or her whole life until you're dead she will claim
you didn't let her go to uni and that will trump all crappy teenage behaviour.

Be gleeful, you're getting rid of the stroppy little madam. Pack her off, her loans will hopefully cover her rent. If there's a couple of hundred spare she can use that til she gets a job.

You don't have to subsidise her and you don't have to let her come home for the holidays without 'the chat' about how it's your house.

19lottie82 · 14/08/2015 09:18

I think you need to sit her down and state your concerns, don't nag, just draw up a dummy budget and try to explain how difficult it will be.

Give her two choices, go now and get minimal support, directly from you and your DH and also in terms of a student loan OR defer to next year, get a job, save £x and then you will support her by giving her £y a month towards living expenses, while she is at Uni.

I'm not saying she will agree with you but at least you've tried and offered her a reasonable alternative.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/08/2015 09:18

You know the loans have gone up right?

Original poster
ComeTheRawPrawn · 14/08/2015 09:18

And thank you everyone, you've made me look at how I approach this before I speak to her so rather than go in with the negative language, I'll go in with the neutral and ask her how she sees the finances being managed. Then take it from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeTheRawPrawn · 14/08/2015 09:19

Laurie, not until 2016 hence why deferring would suit us all.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 14/08/2015 09:20

Get her applying for student finance now - it's not too late. She will get a maintenance loan (repayable) and she may also be eligible for a maintenance grant (not repayable) but for the latter, you're right, she'll need her parents' financial details. Because of our household income, DD isn't eligible for a grant so we didn't provide our details.

Accommodation is shockingly expensive, especially in London. DD's cost £7,000 last year; there's no way she could have worked enough hours to pay it so we topped her up.

There may be spaces in accommodation if students are not taking up their place for whatever reason. But she needs to move fast now. The university student services department may also have details of rooms in shared houses.

coolaschmoola · 14/08/2015 09:20

Tbh it sounds like it could be the best thing for her AND you. At home she is clearly rebelling against you, at uni there will be no one in that role.

My mum said I was a nightmare from 15 to the point I went to uni. Having the space to make my own decisions and mistakes without censure helped me grow up far faster than I ever would have at home butting heads with the parental safety net. Best thing I ever did.

TheAwfulDaughter · 14/08/2015 09:21

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Original poster
ComeTheRawPrawn · 14/08/2015 09:21

"You obviously have to let her go or her whole life until you're dead she will claim
you didn't let her go to uni and that will trump all crappy teenage behaviour.

Be gleeful, you're getting rid of the stroppy little madam."

Haha, needed that laugh!

OP posts:
TitusAndromedon · 14/08/2015 09:22

Highway, if she was at a sixth form in a secondary school, I'm not at all surprised teachers were on the phone to her parents. Our sixth formers still have parents' evenings, reports, and there is an expectation that teachers contact parents when there are concerns regarding attendance, work rate and other issues. Most parents want to know how their children are doing and respond poorly to low grades that come as a surprise. It's part of a partnership between the school, student and parents to try to ensure success.

Hardtoknow · 14/08/2015 09:23

What is she going to do for the next year if she doesn't go to Uni? Stay at home? If so, doing what?

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