To think a 7yo is too young to go out unsupervised? Please help!

[QueenMas]

Please help, I feel sick.

I have just found out that when DD is at her Dad's, he allows her to go to the park on her own with her friends. She only turned 7 a couple of weeks ago, going into year 3 in Sept.

Her father lives semi rurally, on an estate in a quiet village. There isn't much around apart from fields and a couple of shops. I live in Greater London, so a big difference.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with him allowing her to "play out"; although come to terms with it as the children play on the green directly outside their houses (which are in a semi circle), and they have floor to ceiling windows at the front of the house so can be watched at all times.

But now, I find out that she goes to the park without him. It's only around the corner, however it means crossing a road and of course she is completely out of sight while there. AIBU to think this is inappropriate for a (just turned!) 7yo?

I have tried to speak to him about it, he does not see the problem. He hates me so much, he takes anything I say as "causing trouble" rather than thinking of our DD's safety! He eventually "agreed" not to let her go, but I don't trust that for a second, he lies constantly. He is spiteful and would tell DD not to tell me. Only last week, I had to take DD to A&E after she fell off her bike, I thought she had broken something. I called and called, and text to tell him. He did not reply. Who doesn't reply when their child is being taken to hospital?! But he was annoyed with me so didn't care.

I've sent him a video to try and show him my concerns
although I doubt he will watch. As well as stranger danger, I worry about her crossing the road. About not being "briefed" correctly about what to do in an emergency. I feel that she is FAR too young to be out and about unsupervised, she was only 6 a couple of weeks ago fgs!

What can I do? Other than stopping contact, but is that reasonable? I feel this is neglecting my daughter

The thing is though singsong they all develop at different rates. So what might be unsuitable for one 7yr old is entirely appropriate for another. Even within the same family it's not unusual to have siblings that are allowed to do things at different chronological ages based on the individuals maturity.

I find this very interesting as I have a 9 year old that I won't allow out on her own but I will leave her at home on her own for half an hour. Other parents locally let their kids roam from 5 years old but won't leave them in their own home until they're 10+. To me the child is at much less risk in their own home than roaming the streets (with traffic being the biggest risk rather than abduction!). Do the people on here that let their 5-8 year old out alone also leave them at home alone or not?

I know a parent with a 13 year old who has never walked to or from school alone (about a mile, on a pavement, with street lights and a verge between the road and the pavement) but the same parent will happily have four kids in the back of a normal car, none of them strapped in, and drive 20 miles on a motorway. Again- to me the relative risk of being injured in a car accident mean that my over 135cm 9 year old is still on a booster seat with a seatbelt for every car journey (belt doesn't fit her properly without) but I would consider letting her walk home alone if I was at home when she got back (admittedly only 5 min away not a mile).

I find different people's risk assessments very interesting and at times, baffling!

It really is important to remember that there is a huge difference between "roaming the streets" and "popping round the corner to the park" Or even "having a kick about in the street"

My 14 year old has loads and loads of freedom and has had for ages- but he also has friends who "roam the streets" and he wouldn't be allowed to do that. Fortunately, he doesn't want to.

But if they're out of sight how do you know where they are?! How do you know they're not roaming the streets? Because they told you? And children always always follow instructions don't they?!

"But if they're out of sight how do you know where they are?! How do you know they're not roaming the streets? Because they told you? And children always always follow instructions don't they?!"

Well, mine do/did in this context because they value their freedom, and know that it will be lost in an instant if they don't keep to the rules.

I have to smile at the jump that people make on these posts from a 7 year old to a 12 year old (and even an 18 year old at Uni!).

For the record, my posts are all in reference to the OP and the age of 7. I anticipate that by 11 my child will be able to get herself to secondary school (a bus journey) and at 10 will be walking to her current school. I don't think it's necessary to start that process with a child who has just turned 7 as in the OP.
I have a 1 year old. Maybe I should get her to start changing her own nappies in order to ensure that she doesn't become dependant on me or struggle when she's 21.... Crazy!!!

Also- and sorry if this sounds wanky- because our family life is built on trust.

YANVU at all.

The recent death of an 8 year old who had a very unfortunate accident whilst on his way home from the park was on our local news a few weeks ago and it was so unbearable sad. It put the chills through me. His body wasn't found until the next day

I would rather be an over protective mother than have to live with the guilt of something happening that could have been avoided if I was there.

A group of older children together would be fine in my eyes, or them playing somewhere quiet that was in parental view, but to allow a young child to go off at that young an age isn't something I could do.

Ego- you go to the park to collect them??! Where in the op does it say the father is collecting the child from the park?
And yes you're right. You go to the park to collect your just 7 year old and find they're not there and indeed the consequences of your choice could be horrific.

Because singsong we have rules and built up gradually, on the understanding that not sticking to rules see freedom revoked. She doesn't need to sneak off, because either I say yes, or explain the actual reasons it's a no. Not just 'because you aren't old enough and I said so'. And at 7 dd was always nearby enough that in this area I would have heard if they'd all gone elsewhere than they said. And she's seen various other children she knows either lose their freedom or be refused to do something based on not following the rules in the past.

I can hear our park from my back garden, I can hear them playing. I whistle my DS (dog stylee) it I want him, and I walk to the hedge and check intermittently.

He has gone to a friends without telling me before, he wasn't allowed out for the rest of a looooong week. This was a few months back, he's not done it again.

I think developing friendships, responsibilities and sense of self outside the family and school environment is so important.

But every situation is different, ours is a small very rural village, quiet road, which he doesn't have to cross anyway, and a group of lovely same age friends.

Of course something extremely rare and horrible could happen, just as it could at school, or at a friends house, I won't let hysterical anxiety blight my child's childhood.

Do I think it's poor parenting to send a child of just 7 to the park alone? You bet I do! It's hugely risky. Children are children. They are not adults. They shouldn't be expected to have the responsibility of an adult. I live in a small village. Very little traffic, everyone knows everyone etc. I know of a child who was knocked over by a car on her way to the park, alone, at 7. They were fine thankfully but that was more from good luck than good judgement.
My 9 year old is very sensible. Very independent but is 9! She doesn't go hanging around parks on her own. She goes to parks often (daily at the moment!!) but I am always at hand if needed. To me that's being a parent.
In answer to how I feel about a parent not letting their child go to school alone at 12 I think that's up to them. I have much more time for the over-cautious parent than the opposite.

How far away is your park though sing song. Mine is less than 30 foot from my front window.

Back to the OP..... In this specific case part of the problem is exH's lack of communication. If he had replied to the OP along the lines of:
'DD only goes with Jane from next door, I've spoken to Jane's mum & both girls know they have to stay together. They are only allowed to the park & I've made sure she knows the safest place to cross the road etc etc' ie the things most posters have described doing with their DC as they built up their independence, then I doubt the OP would worry so much.

However the message she (rightly or wrongly) is getting from her DD is that she doesn't really want to go but the Dad is pushing her to. Maybe DD isn't very good friends with the other children or isn't emotionally ready to go off without a parent. The problem is that the OP's ex has a history of EA and she doesn't trust him to make good parenting decisions in this respect.

In answer to how I feel about a parent not letting their child go to school alone at 12 I think that's up to them.
At 12?
For goodness sake... A child of 12 should be able to get a bus or train to school, walk the rest of the way, and come home again - alone! And should also be able to sort out the consequences of getting on the wrong train/bus as well - especially now such things as mobile phones exist and it's possible to ring home for advice. Rearing children is all about fostering independence.

We live in a village close to fields on a quiet street. Ds has been playing out since he was about 6. He's gradually been allowed to go farther away.

The park is at the end of my road. I can see it from the upstairs windows.

Mine is literally in eyeline. It is the distance away of most peoples gardens. We have no front garden just literally a path then the park

Lumela- I agree but my judgy pants wouldn't be hoisted for a parent who felt their 12 year old couldn't do that as much as they are hoisted for a parent who sends their 7 year old out alone.