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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 14/08/2015 10:52

Make sure on Thursday night you are packed up ready to go.
Wouldn't suprise me if she comes very, very early on Friday morning

neepsandtatties · 14/08/2015 11:06

Keep the moral high ground and don't make a point of being late back on Sunday - you've said all along that Sundays are fine and that you would be happy to accommodate them then, when your DH is home, so come back at a reasonable time after breakfast.

TwoDrifters · 14/08/2015 11:16

I would still ring the hotel just to have backup info for if she again says they couldn't change their booking. Just a breezy "Hm that's strange because when I called them, they said their cancellation policy was fine right up until 2pm the day before arrival…" said whilst making direct eye contact, eyebrows raised, look of bewilderment on face Wink

Bullshitbingo · 14/08/2015 11:19

Agree with neeps you said Sunday was fine, stick to that. Anything else and you start to look petty. You being uavailable fri and sat makes the point.

TheHumourlessHarpy · 14/08/2015 11:37

This reply has been deleted

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Scarydinosaurs · 14/08/2015 11:47

You are 100% doing the right thing. Go out, stay out and let them be dicks.

Your MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare.

AuntieDee · 14/08/2015 11:53

I'd do what twodrifters suggested and check with the hotel - it's highly unlikely that what she has said is true. See if you can change the dates yourself.

Personally I would say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry you can't change your days so here's some cash to cover what you have lost. The days you have suggested really don't work for us but hopefully this will allow you to book a time that suits both of us.'

I'd rather take the financial hit than put up with her on my own.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/08/2015 12:05

She's got the family tiptoeing around her because "you know what she's like".

Well, now they're going to know what you're like, so they'd better learn to tiptoe around you too!

Clutterbugsmum · 14/08/2015 12:22

I agree I wouldn't be coming home until late Sunday if not Monday. And if DH says anything tell him that because he is incapable of telling his parents No and is more then happy about upsetting you then he has to put up with consequences of his actions.

And then perhaps he will understand that his family wishes do not over ride yours.

Have a good weekend at your Aunties.

FundamentalistQuaker · 14/08/2015 12:30

Good heavens!

I wonder if the stress counsellor needed a stress counsellor after having to deal with your MIL?

Well done for arranging to be elsewhere. Be aware though, that your DH will cop the flack (as you won't be there) and it may just make him even more determined to toe the family line.

diddl · 14/08/2015 12:40

I'd also be tempted to not hurry back.

She might whine on & your husband will see how bloody dramatic/ridiculous she is.

She might even bitch about you & he realise why you don't want to b on your own with her.

HazleNutt · 14/08/2015 14:51

Wow. Everybody is worried about upsetting her, but nobody cares about upsetting a mum of newborn with PND?

And what part of "She is away!" do they understand as "able to squeeze us in" - do they imagine you will clone yourself and be in two places at once?

Be strong and I agree, give an inch now and you'll never see the end of it.

diddl · 14/08/2015 15:51

"and it may just make him even more determined to toe the family line."

Then he's a complete arse!

He needs to realise that both he & his mum have caused this by not respecting the OPs wishes.

His mum is spiteful to OP-he should be bloody well pulling her up on it not trying to appease her at the expense of OP.

He knows his mum is difficult FFS, as he daren't say no to her, but expects OP to put up with her without him there!

I may already have said this, but even if OP & MIL got on & OP just didn't fancy seeing her for that weekend, then that is OK!

You don't get to say yes to people visiting on someone elses behalf imo.

shiteforbrains · 14/08/2015 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumbleinthrjungle · 14/08/2015 16:09

By 'squeeze us in' MiL means 'will back down, cancel her plans and recognise I'm the most important thing': she is fully confident that if she insists on coming anyway that Topsy will be forced to do this. She is in for a very large shock when she realises Topsy has called her bluff.

I'm Hmm about dh tbh.... vulnerable wife with newborn and pnd and he's willing to get her as upset as necessary just so long as mummy's unreasonable, unkind demands to have her ego stroked get met. As usual with dhs refusing to stand up to mummy he is not the one who stands to be inconvenienced if mummy gets her way! And this insisting on being accommodated at the utmost planned inconvenience to Topsy and then to be alone with her all day to say spiteful things is all about MiL's ego.

Be prepared for tears, tantrums to rival EastEnders on Sunday, and work on not getting sucked in or engaging with it. This kind of person usually loves high drama. A cheerful welcome followed by a slightly incredulous "but we TOLD you I was busy" if she starts is the only answer. If she gets hysterical or nasty, pick up baby and leave; baby doesn't need to be around all that crap and neither do you.

KevinKnowsImMiserableNow · 14/08/2015 16:58

Fuck her, OP. You hold all the cards - let her tantrum, cause a scene and end up not seeing her DS if that's what she wants.

She can't make you do anything.

I'm having this with my own mother at the moment - the relief when I realised she could tantrum, slag me off all she likes but ultimately not get her way was amazing.

ollieplimsoles · 14/08/2015 16:58

Sad that as soon as the baby arrived, mums needs and feelings have been pushed to the side. Pnd is a nasty condition, such selfishness from mil who is a fellow mother. Where is her compassion/ understanding?

Clutterbugsmum · 14/08/2015 17:33

Do you need to come back on Sunday because said she could squeeze DH in and see him, no mention of you and your baby.

Starbrite00 · 14/08/2015 17:38

Get you husband to book the days off?

kali110 · 14/08/2015 18:39

Make sure you don't drop your plans. You warned them you wouldn't be in, repeatedly.

quietbatperson · 14/08/2015 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 15/08/2015 10:14

Make sure you update us Grin

jellybeans · 15/08/2015 17:50

YANBU.
My MIL was very local when I had DD1. She was round every single day 'to see DD' without ever asking me. She expected to be the first to do everything. She didn't see why she 'needed an appointment to see her own son and grand child'. DH was HER family and DD and I merely his extended family she would claim. Hmmmmm.

I maybe wouldn't have minded if MIL was nice to me or even acknowledged me but she had huge resentment that I took her only child away when 'she wasn't ready'. She tried everything to get me to abort and split DH and I up. It almost worked. DH would at first put his Mums wishes before mine. He was used to doing what she demanded. But I wouldn't accept it and told him stick up for me or move back in with momma. Once he started not taking her crap things got a lot better. There are a few hours between us now which helps. When they visit it isn't that bad now. Start as you mean to go on. Get DH to tell them to come another time.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 15/08/2015 18:08

stay at your auntie's until you're sure they've fucked off home again.
god, MIL sounds dire.

AuntieDee · 19/08/2015 08:53

OP how was the weekend? Hope they saw sense