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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:
GoooRooo · 13/08/2015 09:14

Well done OP. I hope you have a lovely time with your Auntie and your MIL learn never to do it again.

ClaudiaNaughton · 13/08/2015 09:15

Wonder if her mindset is that her daughter in law insisted her DS and DGC move away to be near her own family and its not fair. Angry

2rebecca · 13/08/2015 09:56

FIL sounds as bad as MIL. He is no longer tied to her and is complicit in arranging to visit when he has been told he is not welcome.
He could easily have said "of course I'm not coming with you to the hotel on that date MIL as our son and TopsyRose haven't invited us on a weekend they've asked us not to come on a weekend and invited us to see them during the week. I'll make my own arrangements if you're planning on going when you're not wanted."
If he wants to see you all he should ditch her psychologically as well as legally. Not sure what he gains by not properly divorcing himself from her and doing his own thing.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 13/08/2015 10:54

You know you have to stop this. It will happen every time if you let them get away with it.

rumbleinthrjungle · 13/08/2015 10:57

Well done OP. Enjoy your couple of days with Auntie and I hope she spoils you rotten. Thanks

Clork · 13/08/2015 14:44

Good for you OP, I hope you have a lovely time with your Auntie and your cow of a MIL gets the message, loud and clear. Flowers

TwoDrifters · 13/08/2015 21:07

When is the dreaded weekend, Topsy?

Original poster
TopsyRose · 13/08/2015 21:31

It's the bank holiday weekend.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 13/08/2015 22:33

Your mil sounds truly toxic!

Why on earth would they do this & go against your wishes?, because they are selfish and manipulitive.

I am guessing mil knew exactly what she was doing, creating a weekend for her to further upset you.

I would make plans for both days, and be out. It isn't your problem, she chose to create this, so now she must lie in her bed.
The crying, the carrying on to come, will all be to get family onside!

I have now gone nc with my ils as they are pretty much like yours, and worse!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/08/2015 22:41

What does DH make of this? Will he be home after his shift? Is he supporting you?

Original poster
TopsyRose · 14/08/2015 09:09

Sally, DH is out from literally all day (10am - midnight) on both days. He spoke to MIL but hasn't put his foot down, he seems to be concerned about causing an argument and upsetting her. It's now causing arguments between us as I have said I will not see his parents without him. I said to him that he seems more worried about upsetting her than me, he says he has tried with her but cannot do any more. Of course he could do more, he just doesn't want to.

They are stating the Sunday now so they can see DH then, and the baby, I'm going to make myself busy!

OP posts:
Glitteryarse · 14/08/2015 09:13

op I understand where he is coming from. He has had a life time of this behavour and they get trained to accept it. Just like FIL has. You just have to deal with it yourself. I did.

When I tild mil myself not to come to the house anymore it was easier for DP to support me. He would never have had the guts to do it himself.

Make sure you go away. Other wise this will set the standards for your future relastionship with her. She shout jump every one says 'how high'

3littlefrogs · 14/08/2015 09:16

Topsy - you have to draw a line now or you will have years and years of this. Believe me - I know. The behaviour escalates until they want to interfere in everything.

MIL once arranged to meet up with her relatives at our house because it was bigger and nearer the station. DH had to make her tell them it wasn't convenient because we were hosting a get together for some of his work colleagues. She kicked up a huge fuss - she hadn't even asked us if it would be convenient!

It took DH years to finally stand up to his mother.

mojo17 · 14/08/2015 09:16

But won't you be at your other arrangements?
Please stick to your guns, it'll be bloody hard but it's a lesson to your dh more that anyone won't it
Go to your aunties and stay there until after lunch Sunday or whenever is convenient to you
Your dh and his mummy will have a lovely visit together
Tell him that and watch his reaction then get him to phone him do to explain that it's just them, no baby and the. See what happens
Well you know what will happen your name will be mud BUT YOU TOLD THEM I THE FIRST PKACE YOU HAD OTHER SRRANGEMENTS
sorry for shouting but you need to take a stand now

LittleChinaPig · 14/08/2015 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TopsyRose · 14/08/2015 09:24

I'll be at my aunties Friday and Saturday, but back Sunday. They don't think I'm actually going anywhere and told DH that they are sure I will be able to squeeze them in. He said I wouldn't but they seem undeterred.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 14/08/2015 09:28

Topsy, let them come. Let them knock. And let them find out you will not be home.

They will call you worse than shite, but they'd do that anyway so you might as well do what pleases you.

Don't be afraid to stand up to them.

Glitteryarse · 14/08/2015 09:30

threelittle Yep my mil did similar. If just had dd, was recuperating after a c-section and mil starting turning up and her friends started knocking on the door five mins later. So if have a living room with random people in that I'd never even met. It happened four times in row till I turned my phone off and hid when she knocked on.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/08/2015 09:31

Good for you. I suppose DH has told them the plans, she won't budge so he can't so any more. Let her come and be dissappointed, she'll think twice about doing it again. Your name is mud anyway, water off a ducks back, let her weave her lies, she'll come unstuck, oh and forget you phone charger.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 14/08/2015 09:35

Make sure they dont follow you to your aunties. Mine used to track me down at my mum's and I often felt like I had no space from them. Sounds like Sunday will be the flashpoint or Monday if it's a bank holiday. It will be very hard (esp if dh is there) but you have to not answer the door. Once you have demonstrated that the power over your own life lies with you, it will get better.

I would also be making clear to them that nasty comments will result in them being asked to leave your house. You have to demonstrate that if they want access to your child, they have to behave in a polite and considerate way.

suzannefollowmyvan · 14/08/2015 09:39

?Take the reigns Topsy, get in control off the situation!
If mil is used to always getting her own way she may well just not have a backup plan for when her opponent doesn't back down.
She'll be floundering and you can seize power :o
We will all be cheering you on :o ?

LittleChinaPig · 14/08/2015 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mojo17 · 14/08/2015 10:30

You are doing the right thing
It could be that once she realises she can't treat you like she treats dh then things will improve
There's this thing going fb atm something like
Mother in laws
Stop trying to tell me how to raise my kids
I am living with one of yours
And he needs some improvements

No need to get her up angry or anything just calmly go about your normal business and if someone else can't deal with that they need to change ok

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/08/2015 10:38

So you're away for the Fri & Sat but returning on Sunday...I'd suggest returning as late as possible on the Sunday to drive the message home.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2015 10:48

Wowzers - she's a delight!
Well done OP.
Stay strong and have a lovely weekend with your Auntie.