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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re: visitors

362 replies

TopsyRose · 11/08/2015 22:53

Hi,

I know everyone says it, but I am prepared to be told IABU and that I'm being a miserable bitch...

My husband and I have recently relocated 120 miles from where we were living with our 3mo DS. We moved back to where I am from as I suffered with post natal depression (I needed my Family and Friends around me I think - I was very lonely) and also to further our careers.

My PIL want to come and see the baby, I would never ever stop them doing this, but they are insisting on coming at the most inconvenient time. They asked me when was best, I said "any time, any week, apart from Fridays and Saturdays" as my husband does a 15 hour shift on both of these days. They then went on to book a Friday and Saturday at a hotel.

They are saying the hotel is cheaper on these days, but I have looked online and this is not the case. They are not limited to come on just these days as they are both retired.

My husband asked them why they had done this as it is not any cheaper, she said that she should be able to come when she wants, and it is me trying to prevent her from seeing her Son and Grandson, and it is me that causing problems. She also cried down the phone, which obviously guilt tripped my husband.

Maybe IABU but I feel that she has booked it for this time so they see me alone with the baby. When this happens my MIL makes spiteful comments to me, which then causes problems with my husband and I. I feel it is too much for me to deal with.

Sorry this is so long, but if you are still reading AIBU to say "'no, I cannot see you on those dates" and insist if they come, they come on a day my husband is doing a shorter shift, or is off, so he can be with me for moral support?

Thanks

Topsy xx

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/08/2015 21:18

Yes but do everything together. Visiting GC would probably part of that.

Penfold007 · 12/08/2015 21:19

Sally stick up for FIL? FIL and DH no exactly how badly MIL behaves.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/08/2015 21:27

Even if fil is supposed to be joining her (which op hasn't said) they are divorced. He doesn't have to put up with any of her shit.

GoooRooo · 12/08/2015 21:32

OP says in her first post: "My PIL want to come and see the baby"

I assume that means they'd be coming together

YouTheCat · 12/08/2015 21:44

Her fil could have told the old bat to bugger off years ago, what with them being divorced. If he has to put up with her shenanigans that is his own fault.

Ohfourfoxache · 12/08/2015 21:47

Oh Christ, I should have read the op properly

Murloc · 12/08/2015 21:49

I read your update, and I think going away for the Fri/Sat is a really good idea.

If you stay home and try to hide, it will be incredibly stressful - she'll up the ante from phonecalls to banging on doors and windows, calling relatives to tell you that she's just trying to help/traumatised/going to die she's so upset and acting like the world is ending. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone someone vulnerable, home alone and with PND. You also sound nice, so you'd probably cave and let her in, which is exactly what she's hoping for.

Have a lovely time at your relative's house - you're doing the right thing, and future you will thank you right now when MIL learns that she can't always get her own way and trample your boundaries to dust.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/08/2015 21:52

I've been reading this thread and I think you definitely need to be away for these days. Make yourself completely unavailable, not just on the other side of a front door that you'll be able to hear them knocking etc. with your curtains pulled. Don't be around. If you have your own car make sure it's not in the driveway or they wont believe that you're not there. Let them arrive at your house with your DH at work and you not around. If they phone either you or your DH (who will most likely be at work) will be easily able to say to MiL "We both said to you that Topsy wouldn't be around and had previous arrangements and wouldn't be able to squeeze you in. If you want to visit again, any day except Friday/Saturday is good for us. We would love to have you visit but those days really don't suit us at all". And leave it at that.

kandykat · 12/08/2015 21:54

i would not agree to seeing someone like your mil alone, no way
and I would also put them off as long as possible if the baby is only 3 months old
as your still quite vunerable

Wheredidiputthekeys · 12/08/2015 22:05

Good point Kandy, you are knackered and hormonal. Mil can actually fotfsof, for newbies far side of, helps.

You are not obliged to have this woman in your house, even if she gave you the deposit. She is entirely reasonable to ask to see DGC but not if it entails terms and conditions you can"t possibly fulfill.

Have a sensitive discussion with your DH, 1000000 of women are telling you you can't beat her behaviour, you need to manage it. Good luck x

Lucas83 · 12/08/2015 22:07

YANBU

You told them not to come those days, and it seems she has done it despite you. So she can't come on those days and it's up to her what she does with her hotel booking. You need to look after your PND.

bringmelaughter · 12/08/2015 22:11

Definitely stay with your auntie and make sure MIL is not told where you are. Your DH needs to understand that it is his job to protect you at this vulnerable time so he tells MIL you won't be there and, when she turns up, he reinforces that she was told and can rearrange. He must not tell her where you are.

Stuck record is the only way..."I'm afraid I have plans and won't be at home... As I told you, I had plans and wasn't at home... Dear family, as I explained to MIL I had plans and she was aware of the days I would and wouldn't be available, etc, etc.

grapejuicerocks · 12/08/2015 22:34

Be strong. A bit of grief now will save tons of grief in the future. Yes it's hard to set the boundaries now, but if you don't she'll be forever crossing them.

Nip it in the bud now. Short term pain for long term gain.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 12/08/2015 22:56

Can you to update us on that? I really want to hear what new stress-related illness your MIL will suddenly develop and whether she has learned her lesson.

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2015 22:59

I worry if I ignore her when she is here is that she will go mad, she will probably cry hysterically and then tell the whole family how I've caused her stress. Last time we had an argument she said she ended up ok anti depressants and had to see a stress councillor.

Her choice and her problem.

Go away for the weekend. Ignore any calls or texts. If your DH gives you grief, tell him to go fuck himself.

And tell him while you're at it that if you say no to a guest staying on the sofa, it means no.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 12/08/2015 23:04

Have a lovely weekend with your aunty OP

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:05

Don't forget to update!

Icimoi · 12/08/2015 23:27

I hope you pointed out to FIL that someone who was allegedly living for that weekend wouldn't choose to opt for the only two days you can't do, but that she can have the time with you that she is living for just by bringing the visit forward two days.

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 05:31

Are they retired so that they are open to come on a weekday? What if the majority of the time they can visit is on the weekends?

I've read the OP's posts and essentially, weekends are out for the inlaws. Is there a compromise for future visits?

Original poster

TopsyRose · 13/08/2015 05:52

FIL is coming with her, despite them being divorced. They are both retired. Whenever she does something difficult all he can ever say is "you know what she's like".

I've decided I'm going to have a lovely time with my auntie that weekend. But I will update you all. Thank you all so much for the support.

OP posts:

IhateMagic · 13/08/2015 08:43

Overall op, I think your going away is a great move. It's a clear message to ALL involved (including dh) that you won't be manipulated.

OnlyLovers · 13/08/2015 08:47

Good for you, OP. just remove yourself and let her cry/wail/gnash teeth/whatever makes her happy.

StayWithMe · 13/08/2015 08:51

I'm so glad you're going to your auntie OP. You know she would probably bad mouth you to anyone that'll listen, anyway OP, even if you do host her? She sounds like a right nasty fecker that will never have anything nice to say about you. You won't have made her feel welcome, you wouldn't let her hold the baby, she didn't get so much as a cup of tea, yada yada yada. You might as well give her something to complain about, by going away.

Ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2015 09:02

I'm very, very glad you're going to be with your auntie x

Icimoi · 13/08/2015 09:11

mynewpassion, OP said in the first post that they are retired and can come any other time.

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