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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I must be living in a parallel universe re i fidelity

88 replies

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 13:52

I assumed that if you're with someone, then you don't shag other people. Drinks with a newish social circle reveals I seem to be crushingly naive and that actually the odd indiscretion is surprisingly common, and that the common denominator is opportunity.

AIBU to think that's not the norm or is everyone secretly at it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:04

Apparently I am! Do you all have gentleman callers?!

OP posts:
BlueBananas · 10/08/2015 14:06

Well I don't shag other people, I hope DP feels the same, I've never really asked him!
How bizarre though, I always wonder what the point in a relationship is if you're going to cheat

Original poster
Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:08

I said that too!

Apparently they're just little safe pastimes, no harm done etc. I was like this --->Shock

OP posts:
laffymeal · 10/08/2015 14:08

Get better friends

Original poster
Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:10

"Better"? More faithful?!

OP posts:
TheStoic · 10/08/2015 14:12

It's like when you buy a red car...all you see is red cars everywhere you go.

Most people don't notice the signs unless they are experiencing it, or have experienced it, themselves. Then suddenly they find out that every second marriage has been rocked by it.

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 14:12

I would ditch people with those morals.

Though I do think lots of people do cheat at some point. I haven't though.

IceBeing · 10/08/2015 14:14

I think infidelity is either a problem for a marriage or it isn't. There isn't a one size fits all.

The main issue is that you probably don't know until it happens how much of a problem it is going to be...so you can't exactly decide to hook up only with people who have the same level of aversion to infidelity that you do.

I think I wouldn't have a big problem with it...but I don't know...yet...

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 14:15

The older I get I believe that people cheat more often than you'd think.
Just the other day, I'd arranged for a workman to come to the house and all it was at first was polite chit chat, with each of us discussing our partners and kids etc.

Then suddenly he was becoming very suggestive and made it clear that he wanted a good time there and then with me Shock

I declined his advances even though I really fancied shagging him senseless because we were both spoken for, and I'm not used to a workman trying it on out of the blue!

CherryBonBon · 10/08/2015 14:16

I believe that long term relationships/marriages where neither party has ever cheated are about as common as unicorn turds.

Original poster
Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:19

The older I get the more I'm inclined to agree. Going by the convo last night so long as things didn't get out of hand, it was just a giggle!

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 10/08/2015 14:23

How do people have the energy for the subterfuge? And where do they find the time?

Viviennemary · 10/08/2015 14:23

It depends by what moral code you live by. Not everyone lives by the same one.

Maryz · 10/08/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 10/08/2015 14:27

I'd love to know the amount of affairs that go undetected forever.

Clearly that's not possible, for obvious reasons.

Fishwives · 10/08/2015 14:28

Cherry, do you really think that? I don't think I'm unusually sheltered, and as I've commuted internationally/spent chunks of time in other countries for work, I've had plenty of opportunity to fuck about, but I've been faithful to my DP/now DH for the 23 years we've been together. And he to me, I believe. And my friends (widely scattered, different ages and nationalities, and pretty frank) seem equally faithful.

I can never see where people find time for infidelity, either, tbh... Or the headspace for it.

The5DayChicken · 10/08/2015 14:29

Might be a completely bollocks theory but it's certainly true for some people I know...

Many cheats I know (including one of my siblings) were raised in families that routinely ignored their partner's cheating, or forgave it very easily with few consequences when it couldn't be ignored. I think this normalises it to an extent and it ends up going a bit circular. Fidelity just isn't a value a lot of people have seen in action. And children are often aware of infidelity, even when parents think they aren't.

LazyLouLou · 10/08/2015 14:31

Does that mean that there is a moral code for cheaters?

Weird. Naively I had assumed that if you cheated on a long term partner or spouse that made you morally bankrupt!

I wonder what the Cheater's Code includes:
Don't sleep with her mum/sister/best mate [reverse gender as appropriate]. No, that has been done a lot it would seem
Don't do it in the bed you share. No, not that either
Don't introduce the kids and expect them to keep quiet No...
Don't do it while trying to conceive/in last weeks of pregnancy/first couple of weeks of birth no...

Sorry, I seem to be too innocent / mollycoddled for that one Smile

CherryBonBon · 10/08/2015 14:31

I do believe it.

Nobody ever knows anybody else fully. Not even their partner as much as they'd like to think otherwise.

I don't think it's so much full blown affairs as interactions on nights out, with work colleagues, on business trips etc.

I honestly think monogamy is a completely unrealistic goal for many people. And I don't believe it's the only framework within which you can have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Obviously I don't condone cheating. Lies and deception are always awful.

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 14:32

The cheats I know do have siblings who are cheats too. They are normally arrogant people who think they are superior to others. The sort to smile at the misfortune of others, who would take the last rolo, leave as everyone starts to clean up.

Fishwives · 10/08/2015 14:32

Not dismissing other people's experiences, obviously, just I genuinely haven't come across much of it. When one apparently happily married friend admitted he'd fallen in love with someone in another country, and left his wife to emigrate to live with her - they're now married - I was completely shocked.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2015 14:33

I have completely lost faith that anybody is faithful these days. I really have. My husband left me for an OW...my God she was one of very very many it later transpired. I still can't come to terms with it really. I have never been unfaithful to him but he was able to get away with it by virtue of his job and the fact I trusted him. Looking back it is plainly obvious, maybe I was just in denial?

He also has a friend, young guy, beautiful wife. Prior to their wedding, my husband came rushing home saying he had to immediately take this guys details off a no strings sex site. Friend had left details on his laptop and the soon to be wife would have found out. Husband duly logs on and pulls up a picture of his friend sitting down with a full erection and a smug face. It burned my eyes. I didn't know what to do at the time, it was apparently "a bit of fun", he'd "never done anything like it before" and "he'd never actually met somebody" what a load of bollocks. I didn't tell the wife to be. I do regret that now because she is married to an unfaithful, lying twat who will no doubt continue on with this ways throughout their marriage. If his bright, intelligent, gorgeous wife isn't enough, nobody will be. It's vile really.

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 14:34

Oh I forgot the other type of cheat. This odd group dehumanised their partner to justify cheating on them and see themselves as the victim.Confused

doublechocchip · 10/08/2015 14:37

Thestoic that's definitely something I've found.

3 months past finding out dh's affair and now separated several people have confided in me that it's also happened to them.

I've also noticed that when I've been talking about the situation some people have had this 'look' (hard to explain) about them that makes me think either they have been cheated on or have been the cheater themselves.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2015 14:43

HowDdo2You...yep, that's my husband Hmm

doublechocchip, I was recently approached by a Mum from my son's school who knew my H had left me etc and it seems her husband had just done the same to her. I have at least half a dozen friends this has happened to. It always ends in tears too...