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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I must be living in a parallel universe re i fidelity

88 replies

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 13:52

I assumed that if you're with someone, then you don't shag other people. Drinks with a newish social circle reveals I seem to be crushingly naive and that actually the odd indiscretion is surprisingly common, and that the common denominator is opportunity.

AIBU to think that's not the norm or is everyone secretly at it?

OP posts:

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 16:50

Yes the hurt comes from breaking the contract. The lies, gaslighting, putting your health at risk, theft of family time and finances.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/08/2015 17:00

choosing their own rules and definitions of relationships absolutely the best way forward, respect, honesty, love, clear groundrules agreed by both has got to be a win win situation rather than putting on the 'show' and pretending the relationship is something else entirely.

Bakeoffcake · 10/08/2015 17:04

I've been married 26 years, I've never cheated and as far as I know neither has DH. My father was a cheater, DH knows how much this affected me and knows it would be the end of our relationship- no questions asked, I'm very black and white on this, if he did cheat.

i find people making sweeping statements such as "everyone cheats or has a partner who does" really stupid. Human beings are not all the same with the same desires, goals etc. There are probably hundreds of thousands of couples up and down the land who haven't cheated and have no desire to. I certainly have no desire for anyone else, I just couldn't be arsed with the hassle and heartache.

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 17:07

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 17:11

Again going on last night, two of the women had contemplated leaving but with very young children they said it didn't make sense to turn their lives upside down for the sake of a minor dalliance. Both of their lovers are single. And one is having a full on love affair but has no plans to leave as her lover is very unreliable. I was gobsmacked. The quietest and oldest of the group admitted to a fling years ago which she said she hardly remembered. She had been married over 30 years.

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 10/08/2015 17:12

Non-monogamy all the way.

I understand the historic need to base relationships on sexual fidelity. If people prioritise raising their own off spring.

However I genuinely think my brain is wired differently. I feel nothing at the promise of fidelity.
Seeing my partner engaged with someone else, emotionally or sexually makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Not specifically in a sexual way, the way you'd feel if your long single best friend was getting it together with someone nice.

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 17:16

I don't think everyone is non-monogamous. My experience has been that a hell of a lot more people have had the odd fling than you'd expect. And many of them were very happy with their long-term partners.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 17:18

I've been with my husband for 20 years and I'm 37. I have managed to be faithful despite having lots offers, being tall and attractive and having a good sex drive (omg I don't know why I am putting that) I am also, or have been pretty insecure at times and lacking in confidence, but still felt t wasn't worth it. It's possible that some of us do think about how our actions may affect other people. Maybe for me it was witnessing and feeling what went on in my own house as a child. I don't know

RolyPolierThanThou · 10/08/2015 17:21

Knowing lots of people who have been cheated on doesn't prove that everyone's at it (though cheaters would like to think this is true). Consider that cheaters do so serially, so one sexually incontinent man can disillusion a string of women.

I've never cheated and can't see myself ever doing it, either. I've only been cheated on by one of my exes (as far as I know, obv). I did notice after we split he was almost gleefully telling me how all his friends were all at it and cheating was just normal. It made me wonder whether cheaters can 'smell their own kind' and tend to fall into friendship groups with each other.

I don't deny its common, but I don't think fidelity is rare as unicorn poo.

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 17:45

I didn't say I knew lots of people who'd been cheated on. I knew lots of people who were having sex with people in addition to their partners.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 17:49

It's whatever floats your boat I suppose :o
I'd find it a total headfuck, but it's up to other people to set their limitations

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 10/08/2015 17:52

YANBU - I am horrified by the amount of people who do this. Its horribly common and even really nice people seem to do it.

Years ago it used to be the norm to be faithful. Now it seems to be the norm to be unfaithful.

Hell will freeze over though, before I sleep with someone who'se sleeping with somebody else.

m0therofdragons · 10/08/2015 17:52

I look at my life and how busy we are and can't think where dh and I would find time to cheat although judging from this thread it's highly likely one of us has within the 13 years we've been together.

A good friend's dh cheated and they've come through it. Dh struggles with being friends with her dh as he's still unable to fathom how he could hurt my df so much so I think I'm safe but I might be naive.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 17:56

My parents married in the 70s, it didn't seem uncommon at all

SecondMrsAshwell · 10/08/2015 18:02

Seeing my partner engaged with someone else, emotionally or sexually makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

It would make me feel fuzzy too and that would probably be my defence in Court I suddenly felt all fuzzy, Milord, and when I woke up, the bastard was in several chunks in the bath.

I personally don't get polyamory (I tried once and, frankly didn't have the emotional energy for it and I wasn't even shagging either of the guys at the time - just loved them both).

There are those who can do polyamory and those who can't. One of my friends can and he is as non-plussed by my attitude as I am by his. And therein lies the problem, both sides think they are right. And for them they are.

LittleCandle · 10/08/2015 18:08

I took my wedding vows seriously. I knew there were problems in our marriage, but thought we would get through them, as we had the other problems that had cropped up. Then I find out he was cheating on me, and he said he was sorry I had found out! To him, the vows we took in church were just a way of making sure that I slept with only him. I took them seriously - he clearly didn't and I am extremely fortunate that I didn't catch something vile from him.

Sadly, I think it is quite common and I suspect part of the problem is that people now think of the wedding as a dress and a party and not the actual vows, regardless of whether you marry in a church or a registry office.

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 18:10

Years ago it used to be the norm to be faithful. Now it seems to be the norm to be unfaithful.

I honestly think that if anything, wider acceptance of divorce and separation has cut down the incidence of infidelity.

Fishwives · 10/08/2015 18:18

Genuine question - to those of you've who have had affairs, or have friends who've done so, where did you find the time? I know I said up the thread that DH and I had endless opportunity when we were parted for long periods by work, but now that we're living more conventionally - under the same roof, both working, with a small child, without any after work childcare - I cannot think of a time slot when I could fit in even the briefest if flings!

Do affair-havers simply have more babysitting options than us, or travel more for work? Or live somewhere less rural and nosy?

RolyPolierThanThou · 10/08/2015 18:28

I didn't say I knew lots of people who'd been cheated on. I knew lots of people who were having sex with people in addition to their partners.

No I know, sorry. You were talking to friendship group of cheaters (which is more shocking) hence my 'smell their own kind' comment. It was someone else upthread who said when you've been cheated on you suddenly find out others have, too.

I have nothing against polyamory, so long as there is no victim. Maybe I it were less taboo the cheaters can seek each other out for relationships and leave us faithful one alone. However I suspect many are entirely comfortable with a double standard.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 10/08/2015 18:28

Do you have lots of friends who are French?

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 18:32

Me? No.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2015 18:43

Fishwives my husband found the time because I was a SAHM and I would just be left with the kids. He just used to disappear, often until the early hours. He'd say he was "going out to do a job" and not come home. He once sent me a picture of OW's salon floor with a bit of water on it and said he was "dealing with a leak". He once picked me up from the breast clinic and dropped me home and then rushed off to have a birthday lunch with OW. He got away with it because he could. His job meant he was called out sometimes, so there was an another outlet. I could go on and on...but the end result was the same....

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 10/08/2015 19:01

"""Maybe I it were less taboo the cheaters can seek each other out for relationships and leave us faithful one alone. However I suspect many are entirely comfortable with a double standard""""

I can so relate to this. I also just wish that the polyamorous would stick together and leave us faithful ones alone. And I couldn't agree more that what a lot of people want is to screw around, but have a faithful partner.

Keysies · 10/08/2015 20:41

I've never cheated, possibly been cheated on in my early 20's but not (as far as I know) during my marriage.

Since separating from my STBXH though, I have been really hurt by assumptions made by people around me that I must be absolutely desperate for sex now I'm single again.

I had friendships with other married couples for years, but they've all drifted away since the split. In the longest friendship (where I considered the wife to be my closest friend and looked upon her husband like a big brother) I was knocked sideways when he dropped by (alone) one day and casually asked me if I 'fancied a ride'.

I thought he was joking at first, until he repeated this (4 or 5 times in total) while I desperately tried to change the subject. I was taken aback but managed to say to something at one point about him breaking his wife's heart, but he just said 'so how about it?', as if I was going to suddenly say ok then let's pop into the house for a quick shag. I couldn't actually process what was happening at the time. I did get angry later but had nowhere to take this.

In the following days and weeks I think it became obvious to his wife that something had changed in the friendship between he and I, but she never said anything (probably imagining the worst and not wanting to confront it?). I couldn't speak to him and avoided visiting when I knew he would be at home. My close friendship with his wife is all but over as she slowly froze me out and dropped me. Knowing his personality it's likely he has encouraged this to avoid any consequences for him.

I don't want to tell her what he did as then I would be (in a fucked up way)responsible for breaking her heart. That arsehole (him) owes me (and her) a big fucking apology.

notquiteruralbliss · 10/08/2015 20:55

Don't get the whole subterfuge / cheating thing. If I wanted to shag someone else I would, as (I assume) would DP. Though with a job and 4 DCs, I am not sure where I would find the time (or the inclination).

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