to think I must be living in a parallel universe re i fidelity

[Crispyjoyluck]

I assumed that if you're with someone, then you don't shag other people. Drinks with a newish social circle reveals I seem to be crushingly naive and that actually the odd indiscretion is surprisingly common, and that the common denominator is opportunity.

AIBU to think that's not the norm or is everyone secretly at it?

Keysies, thats really sad. Why are some men such utter arses? Part of me thinks you should tell her? So hard isnt it - You have lost a friend and he will try it on with someone else no doubt.

The80sweregreat I appreciate your kind post, thanks.

She was literally the last friend I had after my marriage break-up and then that had to happen. My life is fucked up enough without a so-called friend destroying what little support I had left in such a way.

How fucking dare he treat his wife and I like that? All for the sake of a couple of thrusts and a spurt of come? No respect for either of us, or himself.

I don't think he's the type to try it on with someone else funnily enough, I think it was just a sense of entitlement and familiarity.

I am so angry because I was actually more loyal to her than her grubby husband. Her behaviour makes me think that she has reached the conclusion that something did happen and she just doesn't want to deal with this thought, or, he's got in at some point with a sly 'she made a pass at me' (though if I ever find out he has done that I will not be responsible for my actions).

In an ideal world I would tell her and shame him, but she'd be the one that suffers most if I did.

One arsehole, two women, metaphorically, fucked.

I dont think it's fair to equate cheating lying fuckers and polyamory.

One is about power, lies and decieit and the other is about honest loving relationships.

My heart goes out to those of you whose hearts have been broken by cheaters but they did not practise polyamory, they cheated at monogamy.

I agree that polyamourous and monogamous people should not attempt to have relationships, in the same way that a straight woman and a gay woman are unlikely to find lasting love.

keysies I would lay money in him having told his wife you made a pass at him. That's why she cut you off. He's hardly going to tell his wife he propositioned another woman. He's more likely to say he feels awkward speaking to you now because you rejected him because you propositioned him. He comes out of the tale the faithful hero and good guy and she'll cut you off and never find out.

I'm with you OP. I'd be

Sounds sordid and unpleasantly messy to me.

I once had a manager who groped me in a very misjudged attempt at attention the day before I was to start three week annual leave. I told nobody but when I got back people were funny with me. It wasn't until he left the company (and we were all slagging him off as he left under a dark cloud, sharing tales of his misdeeds) that I was able to open up about the incident. It turned out he'd told everyone I had 'offered myself to him' (I bloody hadn't. I couldn't stand the man and people knew it).

My colleagues looked embarrassed as they had initially believed him! I wish I'd made a complaint, but after three weeks it seemed petty and he never did it again (to me, at least).

Saying that, I think exFIL was a cheat and exMIL turned a blind eye.

She told me to ignore it when ex cheated. Of course I didn't, I was straight out of there. I was that she could say that though.

I have never and would never cheat on my husband. I hope he wouldn't cheat on me either.

But I believe that a lot of people do it. There's supposed to be some statistic that 1 in 7 babies born are not the child of the husband/longterm partner but a result of an extra-marital affair, so it's not just men by a long shot.
Although having said that, some UK radio station, several years ago, did a "confessional" survey and their results suggested that 70% of men in a relationship had or would have cheated on their partner, while 40% of women had or would have cheated on theirs, given the opportunity. So faithfulness seems to be in the minority overall!

I also used to work in a place that was a hotbed (ha!) of affairs and marriage break ups - at least 3 people, while I worked there, started affairs with a colleague and left their previous partners. The worst was one bloke who didn't want children, his wife still managed to get pg (don't know whether she tricked him or persuaded him) and he went off after the baby was born with a woman who already had 3 children - so that must have truly sucked for his ex-wife! :(

RolyPolierThanThou If her husband has inferred in some way or actually said that I propositioned him (why no vomit emoticon MN?) then maybe I'm better off without a friend who would say this about me, a friend who would believe this about me, and a pair of friends who's relationship is no more honest than the one I ended (for different reasons). The story about your Manager shows a similar lack of respect for you, but with the added disregard for your reputation at work and the possible economic impact this could have had for you - it's NOT just about a quick supposedly harmless fumble or fuck.

I agree with what HerrenaHarridan said in her above post. I have no problem with people having as much sex as they want, with as many people as they want. I do have a problem with one partner being unfaithful while the other partner believes that the relationship is a monogamous one.

ThumbWitchesAbroad I'm also aware of the stat you mentioned and I think it bears more scrutiny, and a look at wider causal factors, than the small studies (difficult given the topic I know) that underpins it. One for the daytime T.V mob perhaps given their fascination with 'Who's the Daddy?' type shows. I wouldn't defend cheaters of either sex. It probably does have less to do with the actual physical act than the feelings of power and manipulation that you describe.

I think that you get cultures of infidelity - almost as a social thing.

A friend worked in a department where everyone went out drinking together a whole lot - and people went singly, without their partners. It started to creep into the working day (they work in a creative sector where this is possible) - so it would be the pub at 3pm kind of thing, and on til very late. Unsurprisingly, relationships between colleagues started to get too close, and relationships outside the group began to break down. An affair started between my friend and a married colleague - the whole thing became very fraught, incestuous, tremendously damaging for everyone - and the whole thing degenerated into an utter unprofessional social mess. They both ended up leaving, and boundaries had to be reestablished with remaining staff.

In spite of this, those involved all still laugh at the department where DH works for being stuffy and family-orientated! (It isn't - people go out for drinks and socialise, but there are boundaries). Even though the whole thing was a clusterfuck, there was some kind of kudos associated with it being that way!

shovetheholly, I think you have it absolutely right. There can be something about a social or work group which means that infidelity is accepted as normal for that group. Often you will find that this is because an influencer within that group is being unfaithful. The group tacitly approves.

Exactly the same opportunities, demographic etc but the influencer is faithful and infidelity wont be tolerated by the group.

OP, I think that you were essentially being sounded out by people within the group. If your response has been perceived as rejecting the group culture dont be surprised to find that you dont stay within this group for long.

Agree with that analysis gnome

clusterfuck
A well chosen terms, given the circumstances...
I agree, btw: I think it can definitely work like that.