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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I must be living in a parallel universe re i fidelity

88 replies

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 13:52

I assumed that if you're with someone, then you don't shag other people. Drinks with a newish social circle reveals I seem to be crushingly naive and that actually the odd indiscretion is surprisingly common, and that the common denominator is opportunity.

AIBU to think that's not the norm or is everyone secretly at it?

OP posts:

Werksallhourz · 10/08/2015 14:43

I suspect a lot of people cheat. It's just that they don't talk about it.

I am pretty sure that my best mate's xh cheated throughout their marriage. That wasn't why they split up, but I could never understand why she didn't question that he went to the gym to work out with his personal trainer every evening for three to four hours. I just can't see that a personal trainer that would be happy with a client never taking a rest day.

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 14:46

Oh, there's a lot of it about. More than you'd think.

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:48

How much though Motherinferior? These were all women last night.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 10/08/2015 14:58

No idea how much. I know that I've been surprised at various points in my past when I was single and realised how many people weren't monogamous. But like CherryBonBon, I think long-term monogamy's probably just not very workable for lots of people. I do it, but then I was 37 when I got into this relationship and no personable workmen ever seem to come round.

mrschatty · 10/08/2015 15:04

I was told by an older female (close) relative that she used to kiss men and sometimes a bit more nearly every Friday night while she was with her h. She was shocked I've never done the same. Her marriage ended due to HIS infidelity...

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 15:04

I've never had it off with a workman on my pay. I went out with an electrician for a bit but he did it for free.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 15:05

Reading this thread it's as though it's only men that cheat.

OP posts:

HowDdo2You · 10/08/2015 15:06

People are living too long and society is forgiving so there is no social pressure to stay forever with one person.

I advised my dc the likelihood is they will probably have two or three long term relationships and to plan thus so. I also advised them to not change their names.

The world is changing.

minitoot · 10/08/2015 15:08

I barely have the energy to shag my own husband, let alone someone else's :D

LurkingHusband · 10/08/2015 15:14

Wasn't there a news story not that long ago, where a large sample of random anonymous DNA tests revealed some rather ... surprising ... results ?

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 15:21

I remember that. The ladies I was with last night are past their baby days and generally had safe little assignations. It's a cliche but one really WAS with her son's riding teacher.

OP posts:

stevienickstophat · 10/08/2015 15:21

Every single married person I know well (that is, confidential chats well) apart from ONE has either shagged someone else or been cheated on in one or more marriages.

Not saying it's right or wrong, but it's true. And I don't mix in debauched circles, or anything like that.

Original poster

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 15:23

Stevie was there any gender difference?

OP posts:

stevienickstophat · 10/08/2015 15:26

Nope. In fact, I know more women than men that have done it, but to be fair, I'm on confidentiality terms with more women than men, so my sample is skewed.

LumelaMme · 10/08/2015 15:40

I must live in strange circles.
I have never cheated on DH (and if I were ever to find out he had cheated on me, I'd cut his heart out with a spoon)
So far as I am aware, my best mate has never cheated and so far as she is aware, her DH has never cheated on her (and he'd be a candidate for a meat cleaver if he did)

I don't think I'm totally naive.

stevienickstophat · 10/08/2015 15:43

What age are you, LumelaMme?

Because until my late thirties, I could have written your post. Then, as the forties approached, everything went tits up for a lot of people.

StandoutMop · 10/08/2015 15:44

Dh and I are reaching the age where friends are starting to break up. In our circle, 2 couples are no longer together both due to infidelity - one his, the other hers (but not with each other). One was cliche younger colleague, other met via a hook up site for affairs.

Do wonder if there are others, after all, didn't see those 2 coming. Tbh, most opportunity probably falls to my DH, he works away a lot.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 10/08/2015 15:47

Cheated and been cheated on, in various degrees.

That said, I think many people, including myself, partake in these incidents when we are young.

I highly doubt I would cheat on my next partner. Single at the mo!

Mengog · 10/08/2015 15:56

Most people wouldn't be aware if they had been cheated on.

The idea of loads of text messages, sneaking out, nights away, second phone etc isn't how most cheating goes.

A one night thing that no-one ever knows about and is never spoken of again is the more likely scenario.

The80sweregreat · 10/08/2015 16:01

Its not just men that cheat, had a friend who had an afffair, ended her marriage, then he ditched her. Used to work
with someone once who met her first love through social media, left her dh he left his wife and kids, she had kids too.
Very messy all round.
My very old civil service job (80s) was a hotbed of affairs and heartbreak ( not me though! ) they had a first aid room on the top floor with a stretcher type bed in it.. People used to disappear up there apparently. Nearly all of them were cheating, divorced, having flings..
I have known of more women cheating than men.
Did an assignment with my dhs job 14 years ago. One bloke dh worked with was seeing a woman at work ( made it awkward with his wife as she had no,idea and everyone knew.. Bastard)
It goes on all the time. People become bored i think. Another friend said it was easier being divorced, her ex had the kids every weekend nearly, she had more free time than me.
The older you get, it worse it becomes..

sliceofsoup · 10/08/2015 16:10

I have never cheated, and I am pretty sure my DH hasn't either. But we are young and haven't been married long.

I can very well believe that I would want to cheat at some point in the next 10 or 15 years. If the opportunity and attraction was there. But I am pretty confident that I would never go through with it, because I wouldn't want to lose DH and I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. And also, I wouldn't like it done on me.

But I do think it is way more common than most people think. Day to day I only know one person who has cheated in a LTR. Shes done it to every long term boyfriend shes ever had, and there are question marks over the paternity of 2 out of her 3 children. She was brought up in a chaotic marriage that ended, and both parents have questionable morals. So it is easy to see where it comes from in her case.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/08/2015 16:21

I believe that long term relationships/marriages where neither party has ever cheated are about as common as unicorn turds how sad, I am in my 25th year of marriage and no affairs from either side. I know a few other couples together for as long or longer and assume no infidelity but no way of actually knowing. DH and I both believe that if one of us did not want to be with the other anymore or met someone we would rather be with then we would talk about it and split rather than deception, we just could not cope with the guilt. doesn't mean we never find anyone else attractive, we do and often point out someone we fancy but no never act on it.

CherryBonBon · 10/08/2015 16:32

Eccles I don't think it is sad. Just my observation.

If two people genuinely want to commit to a relationship that is based upon never sleeping with anyone else then more power to them.

I think that is quite difficult for most people with a healthy sex drive as curiosity and desire for other people is completely normal. I don't want to ask someone else to deny these urges and spend their life resisting temptation to prove some point.

In my experience, life is too short and variety is too much fun .

Oh and I'm "only" 35 so it's not that I've reached the age where all my friends are fucking around. I've always found the concept of sexual ownership odd.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 10/08/2015 16:46

its not the sleeping with others that gets me its the deception of cheating, if anyone genuinely feels like they don't want to commit then don't get into a serious relationship/ marriage, or have one that has agreement to play away or commit and take up swinging, all better than cheating on someone who does not suspect. I do find it sad that so many people seem to find it in themselves to cheat / hurt / deceive someone they once presumably loved and respected. I agree I too find the concept of sexual ownership odd which is why I am not concerned at DH and I finding others attractive and discussing it, what would bother me in our relationship is finding out I had been lied to.

CherryBonBon · 10/08/2015 16:50

Totally agree. There's never an excuse for lying and sneaking around.

That's why I find it so refreshing that more and more people are choosing their own rules and definitions of relationships.

Ethical non-monogamy based on honestly and transparency is always going to be better than presenting as a happily monogamous person and secretly screwing around behind your partner's back.

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