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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you're in a restaurant garden surrounded by children, you should try to swear less?

158 replies

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 13:37

Yesterday was my mums birthday lunch, and I took my DD's (4 & 2) and we sat outside on an allocated table.

It was lovely weather here yesterday and there were loads of families with children around.

There was also one table of men around 40, and every second word was f*k or c*t. I'm not generally precious about swearing and have never brought it up as an issue if a friend or anyone has accidentally sworn in front of my children, and I'm sure I've done it myself and not even realised, but this was obscene. The conversation was so loud and raucous and everyone was looking over and a lot of parents were clearly not happy.

One woman with children of similar ages to mine asked if she could be moved inside and the waiter apologised but there wasn't a table large enough currently available.
She asked if perhaps the group could be spoken to, and the waiter said he couldn't do that. In fairness to him, he was quite young and I think in my waitressing days, I would've found them intimidating.

But AIBU to think that these people should have shown some respect for the families sitting nearby even if no one spoke to them? Just thinking about it now and it ruined my mums lunch really, as after finishing main courses my parents just wanted to go because they didn't think it was appropriate for the children.

(Or am i being precious?)

OP posts:

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 10/08/2015 14:00

You didn't have to be confrontational, just ask them politely to tone their language down. It ruined your mum's lunch as it was.

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:01

Do you know, I really really wish schools would teach assertiveness. It's not confrontational to ask someone to modify their behaviour. Confrontational would be to shout abuse at them.

An assertive polite response would in all likelihood have nipped this on the bud. YABU and rather daft.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2015 14:02

Being confrontational would've upset her more than leaving ultimately.

Why did she think anyone was going to be confrontational?

Andthenutlookedgood · 10/08/2015 14:02

I'd have been very annoyed about this too. I don't find swearing big or clever but there are places where it is obviously more socially acceptable but a pub garden full of families is not one of them.

This group could have had their conversation using indoor language and everybody would have been happy. But they chose to be offensive and anti social.

I imagine if enough people had complained to the manager this group could have been asked to leave, or certainly not given any more service which would have made them leave.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:02

Also, the reaction to hearing the other parent ask to be moved inside because of the language was laughter and a bit of an increase to be honest, I don't think saying anything would've made much difference if anyone had.

(Looking back today, obviously I wish I had just said something, but it really was hard at the time)

OP posts:

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:03

Your husband was there and didn't do anything either? Fuck me.

thornrose · 10/08/2015 14:04

I agree, confrontational is often used for what I see as normal, reasonable requests.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:04

My husband was asked not to say anything my my mother.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2015 14:04

I wish that too Crispy

I wonder if the rising lack of verbal communication (judging by a lot of MN threads), is due to the popularity of texting/emailing?

It seems people have lost the art of making simple, polite requests verbally.

MaxieMouse · 10/08/2015 14:05

Yanbu and I don't think I could have asked them to tone it down either. But the restaurant manager should have had a word with them.

ladymariner · 10/08/2015 14:05

Years ago when ds was small we were queuing up for a slide in a water park, and the guys behind us were exactly the same, every other word was fuck. I politely pointed out ds and asked them to tone it down a bit, and they sort of looked at one another but did so.
I went down the slide first, to be at the bottom when ds got down, and as soon as I'd disappeared one of them grinned at dh and said "thank fuck she's gone!!"

Perhaps if you'd asked them (not that you should've had to, the ignorant gits) they would have packed it in. I would've had to have said something, and I'm a bit surprised you didn't.

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:06

So your mother doesn't get the difference between confrontation and assertion AND inflicts that on your husband? I think i would have exploded.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:07

Well, I wasn't annoyed with either of them... My mum thought it was easier to just leave, and it was her birthday!

OP posts:

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:09

That's the point - how on earth is it easier to relocate your entire birthday celebration than it is to have a polite word??? Bizarre!!!

Kilmeny · 10/08/2015 14:09

We had this on a train recently, a table of four football fans, all over 50s having the most disgusting conversation. All the swears then homophobic rubbish and sneering. I asked them to change the subject as my children did not need to hear this and they subsided a bit. But the ringleader muttered about "free speech" for the rest of the journey. I hate it but you have to say something, even if it has no effect at least you tried.

maybebabybee · 10/08/2015 14:09

The pearl clutching about swearing always surprises me on MN.

My mother would be insulted to think that people were toning down their swearing around her tbh. She can potty mouth with the best of them.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:10

Then it must be easy to be you Crispy! Some people feel uncomfortable at approaching a table full of loud strangers, and others feel uncomfortable at the thought of drawing attention to themselves by someone else on the table doing that... It was her birthday. She wanted to just leave, so we did.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2015 14:12

I think it's sad that you all had to leave because you didn't like the language, and your Mum wouldn't let you, your DH or your step-father make a perfectly polite request.

But I suppose it was her birthday.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:12

Maybebabybee - so you think it's pearl clutchy to not want people to repeatedly shout Fuck and Cunt around my 2 and 4 year old?

OP posts:

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 14:13

It probably is easy for me. My dad ran the town rugby club, big groups of blokes don't scare me in the slightest. And that's because they're just blokes. What on earth do you think they could do? Seriously, consider reading some assertiveness training. It's a terrible message to send to your kids for a start.

maybebabybee · 10/08/2015 14:13

boo

Yes, I do.

I'm aware I'm in a major minority, and that's fine, but I'm afraid I do.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:13

Worra - it is annoying. As I said, looking back today, I should have just said something, but the situation was difficult.

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 10/08/2015 14:14

But on the other hand I do agree with PP that if you were that bothered by it then you really should have said something.

Original poster

BooChunky · 10/08/2015 14:15

Crispy, I didn't say men, I said strangers. And I don't need assertiveness training, I already said if it had been just DH and I, one of us would have said something.

OP posts:

thornrose · 10/08/2015 14:17

I don't mind hearing some swearing but I have my limits, it can really start to grate on me, especially around children.

Dd is 15 and we were in a restaurant recently with a couple of guys at the next table but one. Their language was a bit much, even for me. Every other word was fuck or cunt. I asked dd if it bothered her and she said she didn't like it.

They were paying their bill and leaving, if they'd stayed I would've had a quiet word.

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