AIBU to feel a bit hurt and disappointed at what DP said?

[Justneedtovent01]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’re pretty serious (or at least I think we are!) He’s amazing, kind, caring, supportive etc etc.

I’ve never been in a rush to marry or have children (I’m not even sure I want children, still very undecided) I’ve always thought in an ‘ideal world’ I’d like to be married by the time I’m 31 and IF I do have children, have a child by the time I’m 33-34. I appreciate though that you cannot put a time on these things and they’ll happen when they happen.

Anyway, I’m 29 now and he’s 31 so we’re not exactly young. Over the past few months, so many friends have got married and engaged and I honestly don’t know why but I’ve become quite consumed by the thought of marriage.

Something in me seems to have changed and although I’m still very undecided about children, I really do think now that I would like to be married, to be someone’s ‘one’ and wife etc.

Anyway, last night another one of our friends announced on FB that they were engaged, we both saw it at the same time as were both scrolling on ipads and he said ‘oh, so and so have just got engaged, that’s nice.’ Anyway, we got talking about it all and I can’t remember how it came about but he turned and said ‘I don’t really believe in marriage, don’t actually want to get married unless I’m going to have children as otherwise I just don’t see the point. I’d only get married to have children.’

Now whilst I see his POV, I felt really hurt. I said that, regardless of children I would want to get married, he kept saying ‘Why, what’s the point?’

I feel today like something has changed. I love him to bits and I know the feeling is mutual but I DO want to get married, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’ forever. I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me. If that’s shallow and vain then so be it.

I discussed it with my friend earlier and she shared the same view as me and she said ‘Where’s the romance? If he ever proposed now, you’d know it’d only be because he wants to get you pregnant, not because you’re the love of his life/ girl of his dreams and he wants to show the world etc.’
I can’t help feeling like she’s right. There’s been numerous times throughout our relationship where although I know he loves me, I’ve never really felt ‘special’ or loved any more than any of his exes for instance. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a princess. I need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going.

I know he’s with me and doesn’t have to be, but we find each other attractive and get on well, sex life is good so I guess he’s comfortable and so why not stick with me, but if he doesn’t ever want to marry me just for ME, without the absolute promise of children then I don’t know if that’s enough for me and whether it’s just going to compound the view in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise, traditionally that marriage is entwined with starting a family and that’s been its primary purpose. However, I know plenty of married couples who don’t have children and a lot of those are through choice. They don’t have children but they still love each other enough to want to make that commitment?

AIBU to feel a bit hurt or should I just suck it up and accept that unless I tell him I definitely want to start a family that he’ll probably never propose?

If you've only just moved in together you are not ready to marry yet, it sounds like you are only considering marriage for the big romantic gesture and wedding. Ignore what other people are doing. It doesn't sound like you want children ever and you should be kind and tell him so he has the chance to meet someone who shares his plans for a family. A man doing this to a woman would be told he was being cruel, but a woman's biological need for a child is more understood and supported than a man's.

Having children is sacrifice. Career, social life, hobbies, finances... All compromised once kids arrive. You are not suited to your partner so let him go and neither of you need to make these sacrifices.

Perhaps he is saying this to make you realise how important children is to him.

However, there is a bit of a disconnect - as he only wants marriage if children are involved, will he not marry you until you're pregnant and if you can't have children will he eventually just leave? Or will he take the chance and marry you in the hope that you will agree to DC and be successful conceiving them?

Well, that’s what I’m trying to ascertain Anorak! And I know it’s too early for marriage, I’ve never said I want it right not but in the next couple of years, yes, it is something I’d want.

Amarok**

It's catch 22. You want to marry regardless of whether you have children. He doesn't want to marry unless you have children. No ones going to win here.

If I was him though I wouldnt marry you, just now.

I don't think there's an easy solution, except to carry on as you are until the issue becomes a dealbreaker for either of you.

But I can’t win can I? I have said that, if push comes to shove I could probably have children for him, because I love him and want to make him happy. People have berated me for that.

I then say, well fine, I won’t, I’ll wait and see if I ever genuinely really want children of my own accord and people say I’m being unfair on him.

The only way for this to turn into a ‘fair’ situation would be for me to magically wake up tomorrow miraculously loving children and desperate for babies.

I will talk to him and try and get him to be honest about where he sees this going and what he wants to do long term.

I can’t say right now at this moment in time that I will NEVER want children though can I?! Who can?! I can say that at this moment in time, I do not want children. I can say that now and in the past I have never wanted children, but I cannot predict the future.

This isn’t about sitting him down and categorically stating to him that I don’t want children, it’s about sitting him down and saying that right now, I do not want children, I don’t have any maternal urges. It’s about saying that this could well change in the future as I know it has for others, but there are no guarantees and then to leave him to make a decision.

It's probably right that you can't win in this relationship and your husband can't either, because I'm sure he wants to have kids with someone who genuinely wants them.

Partner!

Also, people are taking from this post that he only wants to marry someone who wants children because he doesn’t want to commit to someone who has different life goals to him and doesn’t want to deal with a divorce later on down the line.

That, however, is not what he said. He said he doesn’t see the point in marriage unless children are involved. He doesn’t see the point in any marriage unless there is children. Hence my posting, because I DO view marriage romantically. In my view, you marry someone because you love them, because it binds you legally, because you’re making a commitment to one another in front of all your friends and family and agree to ‘forsake all others’ Because you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. NOT solely, because you want children. You don’t have to be married to have children.

You are both waiting to see if the other person will bestow on you what you want. You a ring from him and him that you want a baby.

You two don't sound very compatible.
Give him credit for being clear on what he wants, if he wants to marry and then have kids then it shows that he will fully committ to that relationship.

Where as you want the romance of marriage and some sort of proof of his love and are undecided about kids, while he is willing/hoping you make up your mind.

You just have very different views on some very key things within relationships.

You like more romance from the idea of marriage than he does. Both viewpoints - marriage as a romantic commitment, marriage as a legal package - are completely normal.

He is far more certain about wanting children than you are.

You do need to sit him down and tell him you're really not sure about having children. Then you have to let him make his own mind up whether he wants to continue with the relationship. That is sad, and harsh, but it is what has to happen.

To you, marriage is making a commitment to one another in front of all your friends and family and agree to ‘forsake all others’ Because you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. NOT solely, because you want children.

For him, marriage/long-term commitment is about having children.

Fwiw, as an outsider, I would say it is an absolutely terrible idea to have children purely to try and maintain a relationship. As you already know, having children has a huge affect on you, physically and emotionally. Don't have a child if you're not as reasonably certain that you want one as you can possibly be. It's not fair to the child, of you do, really.

OP, But people also get married because they are are moving towards important life goals together whether it's having children, deciding mutually not to have children, emigrating, starting a business together,,whatever.

If having a family is imperative to one partner, butthe other is at best not keen, at worst definitely against, then getting married for romantic reasons will end in disaster.

You want everything your way. You want to be married and you both to be content to not have children. Or possibly to have just one on your terms.

His needs (children) are different to yours and he is entitled to hold his needs up as important. Like you hold up yours as important.

I love my husband deeply but I wouldn't have stayed with him if children weren't on the cards. The feeling of loss would too heavier weight.

Facing infertility would have been just one of those things and would have resulted in us looking at adoption.

Just to add, you certainly shouldn't have children if you don't want them.

Justneedtovent01

*I can’t say right now at this moment in time that I will NEVER want children though can I?! Who can?! I can say that at this moment in time, I do not want children. I can say that now and in the past I have never wanted children, but I cannot predict the future.

This isn’t about sitting him down and categorically stating to him that I don’t want children, it’s about sitting him down and saying that right now, I do not want children, I don’t have any maternal urges. It’s about saying that this could well change in the future as I know it has for others, but there are no guarantees and then to leave him to make a decision.*

Is that fair though? To expect him to wait around on the off- chance. You don't have to be married to have children either.

I say this as someone on the other side of things. I fell head over heels with a lovely guy when I was 24. I wanted marriage and a commitment to babies, although neither immediately.
We bought a home together and settled down to enjoy our relationship.
My OH still maintained that he wasn't sure about having a child.
Despite that our love was strong, we enjoyed great holidays, a fantastic physical relationship, but when the subject of babies and marriage came up, 5 years down the line he said he didn't know if he would ever want to be a father, but he may change his mind in the future. I waited another 5 years ( by this time I was 35) when he told me that he had decided he didn't want kids after all.

I was devastated. I had waited 10 years on the chance that this man of my dreams would want to be my husband and the father of my child.

So I left him. It was devastating, I felt at the time he was my soulmate- but some things even love can't overcome.

He doesn't want to commit to you because you don't want kids. It's actually quite simple.

What he is really saying is that if you don't want babies he will find someone who does.

You are both being reasonable in your views of both marriage and children. Those views are however quite different.
It doesn't mean through talking to each other about why you hold these views and exactly what they mean for your life together you can't find a way forward.

You say you are not ready for marriage or children yet so why not continue enjoying your life and relationship with a man who is lovely.

Life does not always run on expected timelines.
I say this as someone who married at 26 (as I was desperate for security and love after the death of my father as it turns out!) to someone who stated their ambivalence about children. 5 years later he was still ambivalent and I was still not feeling secure or loved and we divorced.

Happily we are now remarried to other people. I had lovely DD before we were married or even engaged and I felt safe to have children with my partner before marriage as I felt secure and loved and supported.
ExH is ironically a stepfather! No idea if he wants more kids but he seems happy.

All of the above happened in the space of 10 years. My life didn't run as I planned it (and damn am I a planner!) but I am happy with where it is now.