AIBU to feel a bit hurt and disappointed at what DP said?

[Justneedtovent01]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’re pretty serious (or at least I think we are!) He’s amazing, kind, caring, supportive etc etc.

I’ve never been in a rush to marry or have children (I’m not even sure I want children, still very undecided) I’ve always thought in an ‘ideal world’ I’d like to be married by the time I’m 31 and IF I do have children, have a child by the time I’m 33-34. I appreciate though that you cannot put a time on these things and they’ll happen when they happen.

Anyway, I’m 29 now and he’s 31 so we’re not exactly young. Over the past few months, so many friends have got married and engaged and I honestly don’t know why but I’ve become quite consumed by the thought of marriage.

Something in me seems to have changed and although I’m still very undecided about children, I really do think now that I would like to be married, to be someone’s ‘one’ and wife etc.

Anyway, last night another one of our friends announced on FB that they were engaged, we both saw it at the same time as were both scrolling on ipads and he said ‘oh, so and so have just got engaged, that’s nice.’ Anyway, we got talking about it all and I can’t remember how it came about but he turned and said ‘I don’t really believe in marriage, don’t actually want to get married unless I’m going to have children as otherwise I just don’t see the point. I’d only get married to have children.’

Now whilst I see his POV, I felt really hurt. I said that, regardless of children I would want to get married, he kept saying ‘Why, what’s the point?’

I feel today like something has changed. I love him to bits and I know the feeling is mutual but I DO want to get married, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’ forever. I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me. If that’s shallow and vain then so be it.

I discussed it with my friend earlier and she shared the same view as me and she said ‘Where’s the romance? If he ever proposed now, you’d know it’d only be because he wants to get you pregnant, not because you’re the love of his life/ girl of his dreams and he wants to show the world etc.’
I can’t help feeling like she’s right. There’s been numerous times throughout our relationship where although I know he loves me, I’ve never really felt ‘special’ or loved any more than any of his exes for instance. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a princess. I need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going.

I know he’s with me and doesn’t have to be, but we find each other attractive and get on well, sex life is good so I guess he’s comfortable and so why not stick with me, but if he doesn’t ever want to marry me just for ME, without the absolute promise of children then I don’t know if that’s enough for me and whether it’s just going to compound the view in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise, traditionally that marriage is entwined with starting a family and that’s been its primary purpose. However, I know plenty of married couples who don’t have children and a lot of those are through choice. They don’t have children but they still love each other enough to want to make that commitment?

AIBU to feel a bit hurt or should I just suck it up and accept that unless I tell him I definitely want to start a family that he’ll probably never propose?

[Thurlow]

OP, it's not wrong and I'm really sorry that that is the impression you are taking away from this thread. I genuinely don't see that anyone is really saying that.

However, people are trying to explain about the desire to have children from the perspective of people who have had that desire. And that is that for many people, the desire to have children is so central to them and who they are as a person, that it can't really be separated away from who they choose to spend their life with.

All of this is just musing, as you won't know for certain until you have a conversation with your DP. But for many people, and potentially for your DP, the need to try and have children is so strong that they know they won't be happy with someone if the chance to try and have children is not going to be there at all.

Relationships are all about compromises and occasionally they are about sacrifices. But you having children when you don't think you want to, and him deliberately not having children when he thinks he wants too, is probably too big a sacrifice to get through.

But while we can share perspectives and stories, until you have a conversation about this with your DP and you both understand completely what the other person wants out of your relationship over the next 10, 20, 30 years, all of this is just random people rabbiting on.

[leedy]

" I honestly, for the life of me can’t understand why so many people are so willing to give up their lives, who they are, their hobbies, their careers, their looks, their figures, their social lives to bring up children?"

I'm pretty sure I've given up none of the above, and had two kids last time I checked. :)

Again, not that there's anything wrong with not wanting children, but it's not necessarily the complete abnegation of your being and a slippery slope to droopy boobs and beige crimplene slacks while introducing yourself to everyone as "mother".

I do think that again your recent posts show that you and your partner just have a very different view of marriage - like for him not wanting to get married may be a purely "not really bothered about a piece of paper" thing, while I think for you not wanting to get married is saying "you are not important and I don't value you for yourself, otherwise of course I would want to marry you".

He may well value you above all others but just see marriage as a practical, sensible thing to do if you have kids, rather than that he does see marriage as THE ULTIMATE FOREVER ROMANTIC COMMITMENT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE TO "THE ONE" but that he will only make with THE ONE TRUE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, which is I think how you and some of the PP are reading it. You really won't know unless you talk to him.

(I add the caveat that I am, however, another one of those people with an unromantic view of marriage and am still happily unmarried to DP after 18 years and the aforementioned two kids.)

[fourtothedozen]

I am another happily unmarried living with partner of 19 years and two kids. I don't have a romantic notion of marriage. ( and I have been married)

[FanOfHermione]

The thing is it's totally normal to be wanted for who you are and not for the fact you can give him a/some children.

But you can't escape the fact he DOES want children and it's something important for him. His comment about the fact he is hoping you will change your mind in time is based on the assumption that most/all women want children at some point in their lives. And maybe this will be the case for you, maybe not (this is the point I was making about the fact you are likely to change your pov, because things change and are rarely staying exactely the same. It doesn't mean you will want to have a child with him or another).

If you want to spend your life with him, you will need to accept that he might still want children in 5 or 10 years time.
Just he would have to accept that you might still not want children ion 5 or 10 years time.
How would you be dealing with it when it comes to a time where you HAVE to take a decision?
And yes for some people having a child will be so important that they will leave an otherwise happy relationship. Just read threads about that on here! (Usually about women wanting a child, the man doesn't. They are also usually advised to leave the relationship as their aim in life is so different and there is no possible compromise)

However, the issue here is the notion you associate with marriage. That becoming married is the ultimate way to show you care for someone, that you are wanted (for yourself) and loved.
I suspect that your DP has a very different idea of what marriage is, just as you have a different idea than him of what being a parent is.
So the first question would be to know if you can reconcile yourself with his way to show he loves you and is committed to you (YOu'll have to ask him what it is!).
And then you will hgave to ask yourself if carrying on in a relationship where at the moment you have very different aims is a good idea.
As pp have said, it might Ok or it might not be.

[bigbumtheory]

Op you are not wrong or foolish but it would be unreasonable for someone to give up something that they want or to do something they dont want. Everyone has dealbreakers in their relationship.

You sound very much like my friend, your words on having kids could be hers too. She is much happier being with someone who a) doesnt want kids either b) respects and loves her decion and c) wont try to change her mind or grow resentful of her for not doing so.

He can love you very deeply, but not enough to give up his desire of having kids. You can love him very deeply but not give up your desire not to. Sometimes love by itself isnt enough. People in love still break up from relationships because of many different dealbreakers. My friends divorced because of dealbreakers but were very in love and took years to find new more compatable people. And now they have love and the same wants.

Just talk to him. Crack open a wine, sit down and say 'ive been thinking about what you said and I think we see marriage very differently.' then talk about it.

You shouldn't have kids if you dont want them, not at all.

My cousin cant have kids, she had to find someone who wanted to adopt because someone not wanting kids or wanting bio kids wasn't someone she could be with. She had a few ltr before she started saying early on but it saved on heartbreak.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I do think it's a bit foolish to want to marry someone whose life's dreams are very different to your own. Sorry op.

[Hellionandfriends]

I had a very nice life pre kids. I have children now and they have enriched my life a million times over, beyond what I could have ever imagined. OP I think you are blissfully unaware of how wonderful having a family is. Yes it's not easy but the rewards are huge. Also being pregnant was lovely, having a baby was amazing and I am so proud/in awe of what my little ones are becoming. I still have my hobbies, my job, an even richer social life and my fitness.

Yes having children puts a relationship to the test but then many things test a relationship - death, illness, redundancy, infertility, moving house, financial pressures. A strong couple will pull together.

[Hellionandfriends]

OP you are not a fool. I think it's really great that you don't want kids now and admit you might never want them. However you should be with someone who wants what you want.

[DoJo]

I've been made to feel like a total fool on this thread for wanting someone to lover for me regardless of whether or not j want children and to want to be with me regardless of whether or not I produce a child. I actually don't think that's so wrong. Or overly Mills and Boonish myself.

That is a very negative interpretation of what people have said on this thread - I don't think anyone thinks that your desire to have that is foolish, so much as saying that your desire to have that is incompatible with your apparent desire to stay with your current partner who is not on the same page as you on that score. I think people have been trying to explain his possible mindset because you already know what you want and seem to be having trouble reconciling that with what he wants, which might simply not be possible.

Many people, myself included, married for exactly the reasons you have given with the idea that we would muddle through the matter of having children if and when one or both of us developed a deeper desire to have a child than 'maybe, someday'. But we both felt the same way about marriage and children and luckily for us it worked out ok (so far!). However, had either of us already felt a definite desire to have kids, then it would have had to be a discussion we had and resolved before we got married as you two are doing. As it stands, you both have quite different ideas of what you want, and the only foolishness would be in pretending that that isn't a problem.

His feelings might change, as might yours, but it's a bit of a gamble for either of you to take, so a frank discussion, possibly with a professional who can help you negotiate the emotions and come to a conclusion, if the only way to reach any resolution.

I wish you the best of luck - it sounds like a tricky position to be in and I hope you can find a way to have a constructive conversation about it.

[Hellionandfriends]

OP cannot see why people want children. Its fair enough to explain why I wanted kids because it might give her some insight into how her partner feels.

Of course OP shouldn't have kids. She isn't maternal. I do think she has a funny take on what having children is like.

[LuluJakey1]

I think I have been very empathetic to your situation.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Gawd what a twat I am. Apologies!

[Atenco]

Am I cold hearted, a witch?! I honestly don’t know. Am I just completely missing something?

You are not cold hearted or a witch. It is totally valid not to want to have children. As long as you don't have children until, if ever, you feel differently about the idea.

A long of what you said about having children is true, but I personally find them great fun.