AIBU to feel a bit hurt and disappointed at what DP said?

[Justneedtovent01]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’re pretty serious (or at least I think we are!) He’s amazing, kind, caring, supportive etc etc.

I’ve never been in a rush to marry or have children (I’m not even sure I want children, still very undecided) I’ve always thought in an ‘ideal world’ I’d like to be married by the time I’m 31 and IF I do have children, have a child by the time I’m 33-34. I appreciate though that you cannot put a time on these things and they’ll happen when they happen.

Anyway, I’m 29 now and he’s 31 so we’re not exactly young. Over the past few months, so many friends have got married and engaged and I honestly don’t know why but I’ve become quite consumed by the thought of marriage.

Something in me seems to have changed and although I’m still very undecided about children, I really do think now that I would like to be married, to be someone’s ‘one’ and wife etc.

Anyway, last night another one of our friends announced on FB that they were engaged, we both saw it at the same time as were both scrolling on ipads and he said ‘oh, so and so have just got engaged, that’s nice.’ Anyway, we got talking about it all and I can’t remember how it came about but he turned and said ‘I don’t really believe in marriage, don’t actually want to get married unless I’m going to have children as otherwise I just don’t see the point. I’d only get married to have children.’

Now whilst I see his POV, I felt really hurt. I said that, regardless of children I would want to get married, he kept saying ‘Why, what’s the point?’

I feel today like something has changed. I love him to bits and I know the feeling is mutual but I DO want to get married, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’ forever. I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me. If that’s shallow and vain then so be it.

I discussed it with my friend earlier and she shared the same view as me and she said ‘Where’s the romance? If he ever proposed now, you’d know it’d only be because he wants to get you pregnant, not because you’re the love of his life/ girl of his dreams and he wants to show the world etc.’
I can’t help feeling like she’s right. There’s been numerous times throughout our relationship where although I know he loves me, I’ve never really felt ‘special’ or loved any more than any of his exes for instance. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a princess. I need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going.

I know he’s with me and doesn’t have to be, but we find each other attractive and get on well, sex life is good so I guess he’s comfortable and so why not stick with me, but if he doesn’t ever want to marry me just for ME, without the absolute promise of children then I don’t know if that’s enough for me and whether it’s just going to compound the view in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise, traditionally that marriage is entwined with starting a family and that’s been its primary purpose. However, I know plenty of married couples who don’t have children and a lot of those are through choice. They don’t have children but they still love each other enough to want to make that commitment?

AIBU to feel a bit hurt or should I just suck it up and accept that unless I tell him I definitely want to start a family that he’ll probably never propose?

[Thurlow]

OK. You are not a cold-hearted witch. You don't have to have children. If you don't want to have children that is absolutely fine, and you don't have to explain or defend your opinion.

But your second point has, I have to admit, flummoxed me slightly. Do you have any reason to think that your OH is "obsessed" with wanting children?

It almost feels like you are reaching too much here for explanations. It's actually quite simply. You don't want children. Your OH does (and FWIW, wanting children since you were young, or at least knowing that one day you want a family, is really a very common thing for people to think). He doesn't want a wife simply to "gain children"; he wants to marry a woman who also wants children. He wants a future with a family and children. That's a radical difference from the picture it feels like you see.

You might love him. He might love you. You might be crazily happy together. But sadly if he definitely wants a family, and you're almost entirely sure you don't, you don't have a future together.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I agree thurlow.

[steff13]

I guess I just don?t get it (another thread entirely to be fair) maybe I need to go and get some counselling or something because I honestly, for the life of me can?t understand why so many people are so willing to give up their lives, who they are, their hobbies, their careers, their looks, their figures, their social lives to bring up children? To have the financial burdens, the time constraints, the lack of sex life, the stress, the worry, the lack of independence. And this is honestly not me trying to be antagonistic, I genuinely have trouble comprehending it.

I have three kids and I haven't given up any of these things. To be fair, my figure wasn't great to begin with. :)

You don't have to want kids. It's not for everyone. But your partner has to be on the same page.

[MoralityPlay]

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be married but not wanting kids. Your reservations about having kids are completely legitimate.


There is nothing wrong with your DH wanting kids and only wanting to be married if there is the intention to have kids.

Neither of you are wrong or selfish.

I don't understand why you are 'hurt' by the fact he doesn't want to marry you for romantic reasons. I'm sure in his view he is committed to you. Perhaps he feels 'hurt' that you need a piece of paper as proof that he is committed to you.

I wouldn't of stayed with someone who didn't want kids but I would have stayed with someone if we were unable to have kids. The two things are very different.

[FanOfHermione]

Sorry but I think you are reading miles too much into all that.

You are thinking that because he said that he would only marry on for children, then if he ever proposes you, then it will leave a sour taste in your mouth.
But by the same token, you have said that you would have children only if the only that's the only option to stay together. Don't you think that then you accepting to have children will leave a sour taste in HIS mouth?
Similar issue but different acceptabel answers ....

You don't want children, see him as a good dad but then are worried that the children 'will take all the space' and there will be none left for you. It's like seeing the gender reversed tbh. The sort of things a lot of men would say to their wife when talking about children (or usually when they have them). The answer is easy. You can't have chi;dren and not be committed to give up time, finances and lot of time together with your partner. From that on, how can you really say that you would be happy to have children with him??

And then, you seem to think that things are inchangeable. That you not wanting to have dcs is how it will always be just as him not wanting to get married will always be.
Maybe it is. Maybe not. But reading so much as to say he isn't into you etc etc is going much too far (unless there are other things going on that make you think that).

You need to calm down and stop seen the worst into everything. You DO need a chat about the future and what is negociable and non negociable for you. You do need a discussion about your wishes re children and marriage and what you would like the future to be, bearing in mind you CAN and probably WILL change your mind re children/marriage and will he.

[FanOfHermione]

And no you are not cold hearted btw. Not everyone wants children and that's totally OK.

[fourtothedozen]

I see it is that he doesn't want to commit because of the children issue.

in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.- that's not the issue though. I am sure you are very special to him, but that doesn't mean he should give up his hopes and desires.

Would you ask him to give up his job as a brain surgeon for you or ask that he doesn't see his parents again- and if he refuses you see that as you not being "special" enough.

It's the same thing. He wants to be a father, but you want him to forget about that for your sake.
That is cruel.

[fourtothedozen]

I agree justtherightbullets- I have some very close friends and a SIL who have made a decision not to have children. They are in their late 40s and 50s, so I doubt they will be changing their minds.

[Thurlow]

It continues to sound like the reason why you are hurt by this is that you don't understand his desire to have children - which means that you see his choice of future children over you as an insult, because he is choosing something that doesn't even exist yet over a relationship that does exist, and it good and fulfilling for you both at the moment.

I can understand why that is very painful. But his belief that he wants a future with children is probably just as deep seated, just as much of a gut instinct as your current feelings about having children.

[Ladyconstance]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your views, OP. They are completely valid concerns that I dare say many parents have. The one thing that's impossible to imagine accurately or for people to tell you is how you'd feel if you were actually to have a baby - your own child - and the positives that go along with that. Those feelings are indescribable to another person, IMO.
I hope you don't mind me being blunt at this point but you come across as actually quite worried about the future in general. There are lots of 'what ifs' in your posts. Maybe you could consider talking to your DP first, honestly, and if you still feel strongly about your views and/or aren't getting to an agreed position with your DP, some counselling for yourself might help you see things in a more balanced way than at present?

[LuluJakey1]

I honestly can’t understand why so many people are so willing to give up their lives, who they are, their hobbies, their careers, their looks, their figures, their social lives to bring up children? To have the financial burdens, the time constraints, the lack of sex life, the stress, the worry, the lack of independence.
Well, having had DS in December when I was 35 1/2, I have not given up those things. I am thinner than I have ever been and fitter, I am on ML and will return to work to career I love, DH tells me I am beautiful every day , I have at least as good a social life as I had (but then it was never wild before). DH and I have sex about 4 times a week which suits us both. and then there are all the lovely things DS has brought into our lives. I wasn't sure until I was 34 but I am 100% sure that us having DS is the best thing we have done. He is amazing and his capacity for loving us and enjoying life is just incredible. We learn so much from him.

[Lightbulbon]

give up their lives, who they are, their hobbies, their careers, their looks, their figures, their social lives to bring up children? To have the financial burdens, the time constraints, the lack of sex life, the stress, the worry, the lack of independence

Why do you have such a negative image of motherhood, OP?

I don't recognise this image at all!

Some women do have a really rough time having DCs but that's usually down to a rubbish partner, not much social support and not having enough money independently.

You seem to want you DP to always love you over any DCs. I think you have to accept that for most people this isn't going to be the case.

[Findtheoldme]

fourtothedozen - I hope you went on to meet someone and have children .

[Findtheoldme]

OP, does it matter who brings up the fact you want to talk because it really shouldn't. If he is happy as things are then that is up to him and for him to deal with if he walked up at 40 and realises no children have come along yet.

You definitely do not sound the maternal type. You have completely got it wrong about chidkren but that is your feeling so not wrong iyswim. But you are stressing about a reality that might not happen.

Bottom line - he needs to decide if he loves you enough to not have children. You need to decide if you love him enough not to be a wife.

I made it clear to DH when he asked me out (yes, that old!) that I wanted marriage and children but I wasn't saying he has to marry me. I wouldn't have gone out with him if he said no to both possibly. There's more than one person for all of us if we want them..

[specialsubject]

you don't want kids. That's fine.

He does. That's also fine.

unfortunately there's no middle ground. You should not have children for him, a child deserves to be fully wanted by both parents.

sorry. This is the one with no compromise.

[Sometimesjustonesecond]

I don't think it's unreasonable or uneealistically mills & boon ish to want your life partner to be totally committed to you - for you to be the person they want most in the entire world and for that to not hinge on whether or not you have children.

My mum was absolutely certain she didnt want children and my dad married her knowing this, because being married to her was more important to him than having kids with someone who wasn't her. Now as it happened my mum changed her mind(and had 4 babies) but it was important to her to know that she was my dad's first priority.

It's easy to stay in a relationship where nothing is really 'wrong' enough to justify leaving but it isnt totally 'right' either. Its such a waste of your time. Seems to me that if he really wanted you, he would have proposed already. Don't settle for being good enough - you deserve to be wanted just because of who you are and not because you might have a baby.

And for those who believe marriage doesnt make a difference to day to day life, that is only true up to a point. It is a visible sign of committment, pledged in front of all the people whose opinions we value and I know I felt different once I'd married, despite having lived with dh for years.

I too know so many people men who said marriage didn't matter to their long term partners then when they broke up married someone else within a couple of years.

[fourtothedozen]

Findtheoldme yes thanks- I settled down with a lovely guy and had two children. Very happy now.

[Justneedtovent01]

Sometimes- your post has just summed up exactly how I feel and almost made me cry. I've been made to feel like a total fool on this thread for wanting someone to lover for me regardless of whether or not j want children and to want to be with me regardless of whether or not I produce a child. I actually don't think that's so wrong. Or overly Mills and Boonish myself.

[Findtheoldme]

fourtothedozen - wonderful!

[Sometimesjustonesecond]

Sorry. Didnt mean to make you cry