AIBU to feel a bit hurt and disappointed at what DP said?

[Justneedtovent01]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’re pretty serious (or at least I think we are!) He’s amazing, kind, caring, supportive etc etc.

I’ve never been in a rush to marry or have children (I’m not even sure I want children, still very undecided) I’ve always thought in an ‘ideal world’ I’d like to be married by the time I’m 31 and IF I do have children, have a child by the time I’m 33-34. I appreciate though that you cannot put a time on these things and they’ll happen when they happen.

Anyway, I’m 29 now and he’s 31 so we’re not exactly young. Over the past few months, so many friends have got married and engaged and I honestly don’t know why but I’ve become quite consumed by the thought of marriage.

Something in me seems to have changed and although I’m still very undecided about children, I really do think now that I would like to be married, to be someone’s ‘one’ and wife etc.

Anyway, last night another one of our friends announced on FB that they were engaged, we both saw it at the same time as were both scrolling on ipads and he said ‘oh, so and so have just got engaged, that’s nice.’ Anyway, we got talking about it all and I can’t remember how it came about but he turned and said ‘I don’t really believe in marriage, don’t actually want to get married unless I’m going to have children as otherwise I just don’t see the point. I’d only get married to have children.’

Now whilst I see his POV, I felt really hurt. I said that, regardless of children I would want to get married, he kept saying ‘Why, what’s the point?’

I feel today like something has changed. I love him to bits and I know the feeling is mutual but I DO want to get married, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’ forever. I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me. If that’s shallow and vain then so be it.

I discussed it with my friend earlier and she shared the same view as me and she said ‘Where’s the romance? If he ever proposed now, you’d know it’d only be because he wants to get you pregnant, not because you’re the love of his life/ girl of his dreams and he wants to show the world etc.’
I can’t help feeling like she’s right. There’s been numerous times throughout our relationship where although I know he loves me, I’ve never really felt ‘special’ or loved any more than any of his exes for instance. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a princess. I need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going.

I know he’s with me and doesn’t have to be, but we find each other attractive and get on well, sex life is good so I guess he’s comfortable and so why not stick with me, but if he doesn’t ever want to marry me just for ME, without the absolute promise of children then I don’t know if that’s enough for me and whether it’s just going to compound the view in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise, traditionally that marriage is entwined with starting a family and that’s been its primary purpose. However, I know plenty of married couples who don’t have children and a lot of those are through choice. They don’t have children but they still love each other enough to want to make that commitment?

AIBU to feel a bit hurt or should I just suck it up and accept that unless I tell him I definitely want to start a family that he’ll probably never propose?

[petalunicorn]

Like others on this thread I love my husband totally, but I wouldn't have married him if he didn't want children. It's too fundamental a life choice to take a gamble on.

There are loads of people in the world that I could have a good relationship with, which is why it's important to be with one that has the same aims in life. If my dh hadn't wanted children I would have moved on (sadly) but knowing it was for the best.

I don't know if it's out or order to say this, but I have seen this scenario within my friendship circle a couple of times, it resulted in an eventual break up with the man marrying and having kids with someone else very quickly and the woman regretting it about ten years later when she had done the career stuff, done the hobby stuff and was looking in at what she could have had.

[Atenco]

It’s me making all the sacrifices though isn’t it??

It’s me that would have to agree to have children, me that would have to endure pregnancy, getting fat, giving up my hobby (which is who I am) for a year, not being able to drink alcohol, eat certain foods, miss out on certain social occasions, put my career on hold, go through labour which I have a MASSIVE fear of. Then me that would have to try and lose the baby weight, get fit again, be available at every blumin opportunity to feed, change & entertain said baby, not be able have any sort of independence for the foreseeable future

Actually OP having children is much more serious than that. If you don't put your heart and soul into being a mother you run a far greater risk of having a very difficult child who could turn into a very difficult adult.

Unloved children behave appallingly and because unloveable.

I also think you have a fairystory idea of marriage. I got married once and we woke up the next day the same people as we had been the day before, funnily enough.

[PearHead]

OP, with regards to wanting children or not at some future point, you say that you can't predict the future. That's indeed true. Lots of stuff can happen in a few years. However, you're 29 and not 19. If there's even the slight possibility that you might want children in the future (and it certainly sounds like you're not categorically discounting the possibility), you need to have a REALLY good, hard think about this now.

I know this sounds a bit weird given that you're the 'not bothered' one when it comes to children. But I've seen enough women in their late twenties and early thirties decide not to give the issue too much thought, in the expectation that they have lots of time to make their mind up, and end up cocking up one or several relationships as a result.

[Thurlow]

Like others on this thread I love my husband totally, but I wouldn't have married him if he didn't want children. It's too fundamental a life choice to take a gamble on.

OP, do you think that because you feel at the moment that you don't want children, you can't understand how important this is to your DP?

The above statement is, I would guess, true for very, very many people.

[Lightbulbon]

Does he realise just how anti having kids now is for you?

Maybe he thinks it will 'just happen' and you'll be happy.

From what you've said that isn't a typical 'not yet' disliking of the thought of DCs but the kind of thing said by women who never have DCs.

[PearHead]

Also, with regards to your DP's view on marriage, I wonder whether you might be reading too much into one conversation (and a short one by the sounds of it). Sometimes it takes lots and lots of conversations to tease out (and sometimes contribute to) other people's full opinion on something. Things are sometimes set in stone and sometimes not.

[Princessdeb]

I made my acceptance of my DH's proposal absolutely conditional on him agreeing to try for children . Unromantic? Not at all, it was a recognition that marriage is about having common goals and values that you are working towards together. As it was we were married for 6years before we had DD as we were busy doing other things. I would not have married someone who couldn't commit to trying to have children as it would have been unfair to both of us.

[Astrid28]

You tested the waters with him on the possibility of marriage, and it sounds like he's done the same in return with the mention of children.

Let him know that what he's said has really made you think about the future, and get him to clarify how he feels - sooner rather than later.

Lots of great points and examples have been given here, but until you actually speak to him, going over and over it on here will just muddy the waters and get you worked up before the chat.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Like others, I wouldn't bother with marriage unless there were dc on the horizon.

But I'm also passionately unromantic!

[PastaLaFeasta]

I agree with PPs that marriage is a very practical contract and not something to wander into on a romantic whim. You do need to have discussed and made decisions on having children, where you will live etc. I also agree that 29 isn't that young to know whether you want kids or be thinking very carefully about it, you don't necessarily have more than five or six years of good fertitiliy levels and I've seen many parents wish they'd done it earlier in life. You sound very young to me but I had two kids at 29 with a marriage and a mortgage - and a degree and career prior to kids. Your partner isn't being selfish and you do not have to compromise or make sacrifices as you both have valid life goals, but you need to be honest and make sure he understands that you may decide never to have children and you don't know when you will make that decision. He can then make his decision on whether to stay. Don't string him along with a 50/50 as it sounds rather more likely you won't want kids than you do.

And he is completely reasonable in not wanting to propose unless you have an agree future plan as a couple - for him that includes children.

I suspect you will both be happier and more fulfilled with partners who share your respective life goals.

[Justneedtovent01]

But he won’t ever TALK to me about the future so how on earth am I meant to know what he is or isn’t willing to compromise on or what he wants?! I will have to sit him down and instigate the conversation won’t I but it pees me off a bit that I’m the one thinking about what the future holds and he just seems happily bimbling along.

[PearHead]

OP, it is annoying being the one who has to do all the pushing to get a good conversation-about-the-future going. But for me instigating the conversation (many, many times, over a couple of years, I might add) ended with what I wanted (happy marriage and DC). It's not a power game. It's your life. It's really important.

[Thurlow]

Until you start having the conversation, how do you know that he's just happy bumbling along?

It's awkward, but someone has to be the first to put their cards on the table and ask to have a serious conversation about what you want from life.

Does he know that you want the hearts and romance? How much does he know that you aren't sure you want kids? Are you certain that he is not sure how to start the conversation?

The thing is, if you have any suspicions that you are on radically different pages but you are happy together now, no one wants to start having that conversation because it there is a distinct possibility that it will end badly.

It sounds as though his comments the other day have provided a good way to start the conversation.

[measles64]

My grown up sons said that no kids was a deal breaker. They both wanted to have children and would never marry or even stay with a partner who was ambivalent about children. It is an urge you either have or do not. If it never kicks in then you need to be with someone of a like mind.

[Ladyconstance]

OP, I think you've been challenged hard in this post about what you think and feel. And you've come back with comments and views which sound reasonable even though PPs have mixed views about them. You could think about pulling out all the comments you've made and putting those to your DP in as kind and constructive a way as possible. Your honesty is very clear. Do you think maybe you're much more frustrated with him than you realised, as you say he never wants to talk about the future? I'm not saying you're wrong by any means. He could father a child any time in the future! Whereas we ladies have got a window to decide, which doesn't stay open forever. I hope your discussion goes ok. As a PP has said, it could well take several conversations over time to set out what each of you think and feel. Be true to yourself today, no one can truthfully say how they're going to feel in the future. That's all you can do.

[Justneedtovent01]

I guess I just don’t get it (another thread entirely to be fair) maybe I need to go and get some counselling or something because I honestly, for the life of me can’t understand why so many people are so willing to give up their lives, who they are, their hobbies, their careers, their looks, their figures, their social lives to bring up children? To have the financial burdens, the time constraints, the lack of sex life, the stress, the worry, the lack of independence. And this is honestly not me trying to be antagonistic, I genuinely have trouble comprehending it.

Am I cold hearted, a witch?! I honestly don’t know. Am I just completely missing something?

I read so many threads on here where the pinnacle point of a relationship going down the pan seemed to be the time when the couple had children.

What worries me too is that my DP would be an amazing dad, no doubt about that, but his obsession with his children would actually lead him to not be a good husband? That he would always put his children’s desires over those of his wife, that he would function solely as father and not husband. That actually he might view having a GF/Wife as just an inconvenient necessity to gaining these children that he has admitted he’s wanted since HE was a child.

[DoJo]

In my view, you marry someone because you love them, because it binds you legally, because you’re making a commitment to one another in front of all your friends and family and agree to ‘forsake all others’ Because you know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

And to go through all that with someone who doesn't share the same life goals as you is a relatively pointless commitment to make if you think that in the long-run it will lead to an unhappy marriage and possibly a relationship breakdown.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

It's fine to not want dc. Don't feel you have to argue the case.

It's fine for him to want dc more than he wants a wife too.

Find out what each of you really, really want and then work from there.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I don't know where your getting that your dp will have 'an obsession' with his children either!!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Also I haven't 'given up my looks!'

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Or sex life...

[fourtothedozen]

Justneedtovent01

I think that's the crux of it. Sure all those things about having kids may be true, but becoming a parent has been one of the most personally transforming experiences of my life, an experience which has allowed me to witness a searing unconditional love that rivals no other.
I have been changed forever by motherhood.

[fourtothedozen]

My enjoyment of sex has increased 10 fold since having children. And I have always enjoyed sex.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Financial burden is probably true though!

[measles64]

You are not cold hearted just not broody. Believe me he will not be obsessed with kids once the 24/7 care kicks in, he will want his wife/lover back. Do not worry about reading threads on here, it is human nature to vent when things are not good. Very rarely I see a thread extolling the virtues of relationships/children. This site is more an expanded problem page in a magazine.