AIBU to feel a bit hurt and disappointed at what DP said?

[Justneedtovent01]

DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’re pretty serious (or at least I think we are!) He’s amazing, kind, caring, supportive etc etc.

I’ve never been in a rush to marry or have children (I’m not even sure I want children, still very undecided) I’ve always thought in an ‘ideal world’ I’d like to be married by the time I’m 31 and IF I do have children, have a child by the time I’m 33-34. I appreciate though that you cannot put a time on these things and they’ll happen when they happen.

Anyway, I’m 29 now and he’s 31 so we’re not exactly young. Over the past few months, so many friends have got married and engaged and I honestly don’t know why but I’ve become quite consumed by the thought of marriage.

Something in me seems to have changed and although I’m still very undecided about children, I really do think now that I would like to be married, to be someone’s ‘one’ and wife etc.

Anyway, last night another one of our friends announced on FB that they were engaged, we both saw it at the same time as were both scrolling on ipads and he said ‘oh, so and so have just got engaged, that’s nice.’ Anyway, we got talking about it all and I can’t remember how it came about but he turned and said ‘I don’t really believe in marriage, don’t actually want to get married unless I’m going to have children as otherwise I just don’t see the point. I’d only get married to have children.’

Now whilst I see his POV, I felt really hurt. I said that, regardless of children I would want to get married, he kept saying ‘Why, what’s the point?’

I feel today like something has changed. I love him to bits and I know the feeling is mutual but I DO want to get married, I don’t want to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’ forever. I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me. If that’s shallow and vain then so be it.

I discussed it with my friend earlier and she shared the same view as me and she said ‘Where’s the romance? If he ever proposed now, you’d know it’d only be because he wants to get you pregnant, not because you’re the love of his life/ girl of his dreams and he wants to show the world etc.’
I can’t help feeling like she’s right. There’s been numerous times throughout our relationship where although I know he loves me, I’ve never really felt ‘special’ or loved any more than any of his exes for instance. I don’t know, maybe I’m being a bit of a princess. I need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going.

I know he’s with me and doesn’t have to be, but we find each other attractive and get on well, sex life is good so I guess he’s comfortable and so why not stick with me, but if he doesn’t ever want to marry me just for ME, without the absolute promise of children then I don’t know if that’s enough for me and whether it’s just going to compound the view in my mind that actually, I’m not really all that special to him.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise, traditionally that marriage is entwined with starting a family and that’s been its primary purpose. However, I know plenty of married couples who don’t have children and a lot of those are through choice. They don’t have children but they still love each other enough to want to make that commitment?

AIBU to feel a bit hurt or should I just suck it up and accept that unless I tell him I definitely want to start a family that he’ll probably never propose?

[PingpongDingDong]

I agree with others here op. You both disagree on some fundamental things and that can be uncomfortable. Neither of you are wrong.

For me the question for you is would you rather be with him and not married than single or looking for someone else? For him the question is would you rather be with op even if the two of you don't end up having a child?

[SolidGoldBrass]

This sounds like a bit of an inertia relationship - you get on well, find each other attractive, etc, there's nothing actually wrong. But he's not bothered about marriage and you're not bothered about children. Each of you would probably be happier with a partner who has similar views rather than one of you having to compromise.
It may be that in a year or two one of you will have a change of heart and it will all be fine (and as it's him rather than you who wants to have kids, there's less need to panic and run off to find a potential co-parent). But you do have to remember that rejecting the idea of marriage is not 'wrong.' It's just a different viewpoint.

Though TBH it could be that he is already aware (in his own mind) that you, being not keen on children, are not his life-partner and he would rather keep his options open for the day he meets the woman who does want to have his children.

[penisland]

he would rather keep his options open for the day he meets the woman who does want to have his children.

If I were in his shoes I'm afraid I'd be looking to trade you in for a younger model who wanted to have my babies. Harsh but true.

[DoJo]

He’s also more than happy to attend other people weddings and exclaim what a lovely day it was after etc. I guess he arrogantly assumes all of those people will instantly be off making babies, so that makes the marriage alright then?!?!

Or perhaps he understands that other people have different views on marriage to him and is just glad for his friends that they are happy? This part of your post makes you sound actively antagonistic towards him, which makes me wonder if you somehow blame him for the fact that he doesn't value marriage as much as you.

Either way, it sounds like you are at a bit of an impasse - he wants to marry someone who will ultimately be the mother of his children, whereas you don't want to commit to having children unless you know he will marry you for you. Neither is more valid a viewpoint, and I think that someone posting on here from his POV would get similar answers - there's no point marrying someone who has drastically different plans for their future, whether that be the possibility of having children or the importance of marriage in your life. Unless you can reconcile your differences, then neither of you will get what you want out of this relationship, but it's going to be a difficult conversation to have.

[Lozy79]

But if it turns out you both want children with each other, then that is the biggest commitment you can make, that should make you feel more special, more than his exes.

[bigbumtheory]

I want the man that I’m committed to, to show his commitment and love for me by marrying me.

You have different ideas on marriage, he sees kids as that commitment to show love while you see it as marriage. You do sound pretty incompatible, you definitely need to have a honest talk with each other. You want him to marry you for you and he wants you have kids for him- neither of you wants what the other does. The only compromise here would be to continue as you are- no marriage and no kids and then if you both meet others who want you and want that, then move on. Or compromise, marriage for you and a kid for him.

Both those ways can lead to resentment though, you have to put all your cards on the table when talking to him. Please don't compromise on having children when you don't want them, but expect that he may not compromise on marriage either.

[Floralnomad]

Sounds to me like he is not your 'soulmate' , I know you have to sometimes make compromises in relationships ( been married 26 years) but I do think it helps if you agree about the basics - and it doesn't sound like you do ,sorry .

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

Imagine if this was the other way round - if a woman came on here saying she definitely wants to have children in the future but her boyfriend has said he doesn't really want children, however the boyfriend wants to marry her.

Would people say marry him because he might change his mind and if not she can leave him in a few years to find someone who does want children? I have seen numerous threads on here where women have been advised to not waste any more years in a relationship with a man who doesn't want a family when she does.

I think the OP's boyfriend is being sensible, it would be worse if he married her and then decided to leave in five years time to find someone who wanted children.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Binit - I think what he means is that he wants children and isn't prepared to marry someone who doesn't. It's a fair enough position I think. He is right not to want to get married unless he has the same life goals as the person he's marrying.

This . Very much agree actually!

(quoting other posters a lot today rather than having original thoughts of my own )

Looking at it from his point of view it may be as simple as that. This is a real impasse if OP isn't sure about having children; or is only thinking about it 'to please' the DP.

Honestly, i would have hated to think of my DH going along with having a baby with me to 'please' me.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

What stands out to me just about your post, OP, is when you say he doesn't make you feel special, no more so than any of his exes etc.

Just because you are the 'right' age to be getting married, doesn't mean you're with the right person. I felt like this at 30. Breaking up was hard. A year later, met my now husband and was almost instantly 'OH! So this is what it's all about.' Someone who makes you feel irreplacable, even when they see you're far from perfect.

The having a kid to please him idea is madness but I think everyone's said that already.

Do he make you happy? Really happy?

[Tuskerfull]

I think YABU. I can usually see both sides of an argument but I genuinely can't understand people that place such importance on marriage for sentimental reasons. He's committed to you, he wants children with you, he wants to spend his live with you, he doesn't believe in a frankly archaic tradition that won't change a thing about your lives unless one of you dies. I just cannot see the problem and why on earth you would give up a good relationship over something so petty.

I do understand wanting to be married for legal reasons, for protection over splitting up when you have assets, etc. But just because you want to be married... no.

[Bubblesinthesummer]

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, just obviously place different levels of importance on marriage.

^ this

Getting married doesn't appeal to some people. They are entitled to that view just as much as you are to yours about marriage.

There are fundamental things that you disagree on though. Marriage and children are big issues.

[Oldraver]

In all honesty, I probably could have a child, but ONLY really for him and to please him.

So you would be willing to do this for him as he is special to you...but you are not special enough to him, for him to marry you without DC's ?

I think your relationship has run its course

[wotoodoo]

no no no no no no!

Where is your knight on a white charger come to sweep you off your feet?

Where are all the Mills and Boon cliches that actually come true?

This by far the saddest thread for all romantics! When I met my soon to be dh he was The One, he was my Soulmate, angels danced, I honestly felt I was on Cloud 9, I could not believe my luck, all the fairy tales rolled into one came true.

You have not found The One. When you do there is No Comparison on Earth. There is no way he has found Miss Right and no way have you found Mr Right. You sound like a bored middle aged couple making do instead of the bodice ripping ecstacy and hunger to be together forever more of a Couple Meant To Be!

Sorry op but you seriously are missing out on the biggest love of your life if you settle with Mr Average Compromise Who's Not That Into You.

Wait until your 30s if you need to (I did) but do NOT settle for second best with a man who does not hoist you up on the tallest pedestal and you him!!

[CarlaJones]

I think he doesn't want to marry someone who may never want to have the children that he wants. I can understand that.

[worriedmum100]

I've personally never understood the "need" for marriage as a means of "proving" love and commitment. DP and I have been together for 13 years,one child and another iminent. He proves to me with his actions and attitude generally that his family is paramount in his life, that we are "it" that this is for life. I've never really felt the need for "more" than that. He's not a romantic in the traditional sense so wootoodo may not approve!

Having said all that I appreciate that marriage is important to some people -just not to me!

So some good advice on here OP. I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You just have different outlooks.

[Justneedtovent01]

So, the general consensus is that he’s actually not that into me and is only messing about with me until someone ‘better,’ who manically wants to provide him with 2.4 children comes along?

Oh great, this is going to be a fun conversation then isn’t it.

At the end of the day, I am undecided about children at the moment, but I’m sure I’m not the only one! Not everyone is certain aged 29 that they want children. I appreciate expecting someone to marry you if you don’t have the exact same life goals isn’t particularly realistic, however, like others have pointed out, what if we got married and then I found out I couldn’t have children?

What if he meets someone else and they struggle to have children? Life is more than just about children who will one day fly the nest and leave anyway. IMO, you have to genuinely LOVE your life partner, you do have to be able to be content and happy with just that person, kids are an added bonus.

He’s saying he only wants to marry someone if there will be children involved, well I’m reluctant to agree to marry and have children with anyone (and I’m sure I wouldn’t be the only person) who I think might bin me off in the future once were married if I can’t then produce said children!! That’s not what a life partner/marriage is all about, surely?!

I will sit him down and ask him seriously about where he thinks the relationship is going and what he would like long term.

[CarlaJones]

Sounds like that would be a good idea.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Hmm. Be prepared for him to make some promises of future marriage but nothing definite if it looks like you will actually leave unless you get given a ring. Men, perhaps more than women, are reluctant to leave a relationship that's OK but a bit... meh. The thing that is most likely to make a man in an OK relationship up and leave would be meeting a woman who he prefers to the one he currently has.

And be careful of putting yourself in the position that some women find themselves in: allowing a man the power to dangle The Proposal over your head like a doggy treat. He will propose... soon. He was going to propose, but you have been disobedient or disrespectful and spoilt it all. He is planning to propose, but you have to do certain things to please him first...

[UrethraFranklin1]

You want him to want to marry you for you only, but your comments say things like "I want to be someones wife " and similar. Not HIS wife. Sounds like you are into the idea of being married more than you are into him.

And he wants children in a marriage. Thats ok, he's letting you know. He doesn't want to marry you if you don't want children, he's totally right to let you know that.

It doesn't sound like you are on the same page at all regarding marriage, your future, your lives.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I can see how you're thinking what you're thinking OP. But -

I appreciate expecting someone to marry you if you don’t have the exact same life goals isn’t particularly realistic, however, like others have pointed out, what if we got married and then I found out I couldn’t have children

• Overcoming any infertility problems within a relationship rarely involves one person just flouncing off to try elsewhere. Most couples make sure they are both singing from the same song sheet re: wanting children before they marry. At the moment you're wanting to marry him without even knowing if you want to try to have a child with him.
  

Wanting to try for DCs isn't a pie in the sky thing. It's reasonable to want your life partner to want what you want too :)

[DoJo]

So, the general consensus is that he’s actually not that into me and is only messing about with me until someone ‘better,’ who manically wants to provide him with 2.4 children comes along?

I'm not sure anyone said anything that could be interpreted as that - I think most people were saying that he wants to marry someone who shares his life goals (i.e having children) rather than committing to someone who may never change their mind about that. It doesn't mean he's 'not that into you' just that he is set enough on having children that marrying someone who doesn't share that desire isn't for him.

I agree with a PP that it's not about binning someone off if it turns out that they can't have children, but the processes one goes through in that eventuality are not for the faint-hearted and someone who wasn't that committed to having children in the first place is unlikely to want to go through the invasive processes that fertility treatment/adoption entail. Even if it is a case of coming to terms with not being able to have children, a scenario where both partners are dealing with that together, rather than one grieving for what they have lost and the other breathing a sigh of relief, the dynamic is much easier if both are on the same page.

[LuluJakey1]

I met DH when I was 29. I had not ever wanted children really but he really wanted them. I wasn't prepared to just say I would have them because he wanted them.

He was convinced from very early on that we were going to get married and have children. I said no the first two times he asked me to marry him- well 'possibly but not yet' is probably more accurate. He just laughed and said I would say yes sometime. I did after about 9 months and we were married a few months later. I said to him I still was not sure about children- when he proposed the third time. It was when he said if it was always just us it would be enough that made me realise how committed he was to me.

Then I saw him with a friend's toddler one afternoon at a BBQ and I just had a complete change of heart, he was so lovely with her. It took me 4 years to decide the time was about right and he never pressurised me but he was so delighted when I got pregnant - not actually planned, we were just about to start TTC.

DS is 8 months now and DH is an amazing dad. I could not have denied him that chance. He is just wonderful with DS and will be if we are lucky enough to have any more.

But it was the fact that he wanted to marry me even if I really did not want children that made me sure about him. I love him to bits, but if children had been a deal breaker for him or he would only have married me to have children, I don't think I could have stayed. I wanted that commitment from him and I wanted him to want me more than he wanted anything else.

Probably, I was insecure beacuse I had always chosen men who were not up for any commitment. Anyway, here we are. We are both besotted with DS but it's 'us' that is our bedrock.

If you want that commitment, my advice would be don't accept what is second best for you. You will never feel great about it.

How have you got to this point without knowing how important/unimportant marriage is to each of you?

[Pseudo341]

Haven't read all the replies but if you're not married and buy a house together you need to make sure your wills are very clear. Otherwise if something happens to him you'll find yourself in joint ownership with is Dad and vice versa. That's a pretty decent reason to get married even if you're not having kids if he wants one.

You've said you get on, sex is good etc, but I didn't see you say if you love him?

[feezap]

I think there may be a bit of over thinking going on on this thread.

I am not trivialising things but blokes don't tend to think that hard about this kind of thing and often make stupid remarks that turn into whole stupid conversations.

Yes, talk to him about how you feel but don't go in thinking he's not good enough from the start.

FWIW, my DH didn't believe in marriage either and we had the conversation many times. He then got to a point when he realised he did want to marry me (something to do with the Tim Minchin song 'you grew on me') and he spent the next 4 months researching rings and planning a proposal.

Your OH may just not be there yet, it took my DH a long time but we were married at 32 and had DS at 34. You have loads of time.

It's good to talk and understand each other's views but please don't write him off.

Good luck