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To think this does not constitute a problem with alcohol and DP is unreasonable?

134 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/08/2015 10:49

Inspired by another post that reminded me I was going to ask this!

I like to have a drink, mostly on Friday and/or Saturday nights, sometimes at home but I like to go out to clubs and enjoy drinking while I'm there.

I never get so drunk that I can't walk, throw up, behave inappropriately or can't remember things. I don't get so drunk I have a terrible hangover and can't function the next day, never miss work because of it etc - in fact if I'm working the next day I don't usually drinks at all.

DP thinks I drink too much and says that I behave 'like a dick' when I drink, which I'm sure I don't and he is just exaggerating as no one else has ever mentioned it to me.

He doesn't drink at all which I'm sure skews his view on things, and he thinks I should give up completely. I really don't want to as I really enjoy drinking when I do it but he says that if I can't give it up for, say, a month, then I have a problem and need to go to the doctor. Aibu to think he is being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Spartans · 09/08/2015 14:55

This isn't about her drinking or not drinking this is about one adult attempting to force another adult to behave in a certain way and insulting her and sulking when she doesn't want to.

Not Always. She said that he complained she was groping him on the dance floor. She doesn't remember doing it. She had had a lot to drink. Why is the assumption that its him being controlling? It could be just as easily a case of she is awful when she is drunk but doesn't realise this. because she is drunk.

I wouldn't put it with it. No way would I allow dh to do that to me and think it was fine and yes I would call him a dick if he did this to me. His choices would be to stop drinking, to cut down how much he drinks when we go out or cut down how much he goes out and goes alone.

The reason I would expect him to cut down going out when going alone is because I also expect to be able to spend sometime doing things with him too.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 14:58

If he wanted to continue going out and me go with him and couldn't cut down...then yes I would ask him to stop drinking.

I wouldn't be happy about being sat in the house with a drunk on a weekend either.

If he didn't want to, I would be reconsidering the relationship

Maryz · 09/08/2015 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redshoes55 · 09/08/2015 15:10

Yes but if no previous partner or friend has ever complained or mentioned her behaviour after drinking then I would be suspicious that this partner was exaggerating her behaviour in order to subdue and control her.

Op I would have a long hard look at yourself and your life. Have a chat to your friends and get their honest opinions.

Control freaks often start by attempting to alienate their partners from friends and the old life style in order to isolate them.

I am not saying it's the case here but that the op needs to be careful and mindful.

elizadolittlechoc · 09/08/2015 15:10

What's changed? Was he always teetotal and you always have a drink? Have you have always gone clubbing together or is it the arriving home bit which is the issue? If anything you say you are drinking less so there must be other issues. Are you planning a family/ additional children?

Spartans · 09/08/2015 15:13

Red you have quite clearly said its the case here.

There could be lots of reasons friends haven't said anything. they may be embarrassed to, they may be drunk to and not noticed. Past partners maybe have been drinking to and not noticed. Or it could be a reason they broke up.

You are speculating about what other people think or may have happened in the past.

Maryz · 09/08/2015 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/08/2015 15:20

But the OP is not saying he has told her not to go out anymore. He's told her he wants her to stop drinking for a month. Two entirely different things. It sounds like he is quite happy for them to still go out with friends, he'd just like her to go out and not get drunk. How is that alienating her from friends?

AuntyMag10 · 09/08/2015 15:21

The typical 'control' being thrown in hereHmm the dp is so controlling about speaking to his partner about his concerns. For someone who's always out socializing with friends her dp can't be that controlling. She hasn't even mentioned that he's asked her to stop going out, just that the drinking is a problem. Yet he must be controlling.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/08/2015 15:22

Furthermore, nowhere has the OP mentioned that he has stated he feels her friends are a bad influence regarding drinking or that he doesn't like going out at all. He seems to be focusing solely on the her drinking to excess. Again, not alienating her friends, not controlling where she goes. He just seems concerned strictly about her alcohol consumption.

Moltenpink · 09/08/2015 15:43

Years ago I lived in a houseshare and would be out at weekends drinking a similar level to what you described. We had a very disapproving teetotal housemate who would come out with us, then the next morning would a) refuse point blank to believe we weren't hungover and b) make up random little things that we were all supposed to have done the night before. I think as he had no experience of drinking, he thought we would just believe him.

One night we all stayed sober and didn't tell him, then made him look like a fool the following morning when he told us we had done x,y and z. He never tried it again.

CordeliaFoxx · 09/08/2015 16:01

Sounds like an average weekend to me! If you drink every night it's wrong, if you drink at weekends you're a binge drinker - wrong either way!

I also don't like being to only sober one. So don't tend to go out if I'm not drinking, it's a choice, not an alcohol problem.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 09/08/2015 16:03

molten, great story!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2015 16:19

I think it does matter what the wider context is. OP says her partner exaggerates and catastrophises a lot. Is this a pattern? Are there other things that he criticizes?

Does the OP regularly ignore concerns of her partner, do risky things and ignore people's feedback and advice? Does she have blunt friends who tell her what's what?

I used to be the sober one a lot on nights out (on call) and most of my friends were; slightly ruder than normal; slightly louder than normal; much more repetitive than normal. Irritating but not 'dicks'.

Sapat · 09/08/2015 16:26

To drink enough to be very merry every weekend sounds like a lot to me. Sorry.

limitedperiodonly · 09/08/2015 16:30

OP. Never canvass opinions on drinking habits and the reaction of a teetotal partner on AIBU.

Possibly do it on Relationships where some posters can be more measured about people's complex relationship with it, whether they indulge a lot, a bit or abstain and all combinations.

I have an opinion on your intake and reasons and occasions for drinking and I have an opinion on your teetotal partner's attitude and motivations about sobriety and your going out with or without him and drinking.

But I'm not going to give them.

XiCi · 09/08/2015 16:41

OP you should have known better than to post about alcohol on mumsnet. The general script is that if you have more than a glass of sherry at Xmas you are an alcoholic. There is nothing wrong with having 3 pints of cider twice a month, nothing wrong with having shots on birthdays etc, nothing wrong with preferring to drink on a night out. Most people do. You don't seem to have a problem at all from what you describe apart from with your DP!
Your DP to me sounds intolerable. Sounds like he thinks that if he whines on and on about your drinking then you will stop and I guess then you will have a life of Saturdays watching crap like x factor and Strictly to look forward to, sipping horlicks. Also, what he is doing, making up stories you know didn't happen is called gaslighting, look it up. Aside from your incompatibility he doesn't seem a nice man

sugar21 · 09/08/2015 16:43

Having been married to a violent drunk I would be biased if I said anything more than take care

simplesusan · 09/08/2015 16:43

I think your partner has a valid point.
Obviously it is hard to say whether he is controlling or just concerned for you.

Fit my ex drank far too much ( in my opinion). He used to accuse me of. Ding controlling too.

Goshthatsspicy · 09/08/2015 16:56

One branch of my family drink so much, they make you look sober.
I still think it is too much. Think about it. There really isn't any goodness in it whatsoever.

Redshoes55 · 09/08/2015 17:04

spartans of course I am speculating we all are arnt we unless you actually see and know the poster and her partner.

She may be a drunk pita, he may be a control freak. We don't actually know do we?

I am very suspicious of partners who try to stop and change their partners behaviour unless that partner is violent, abusive or putting themselves in danger.

Having a few glasses on a Friday/sat night either in a club or at home and getting merry is perfectly legal.

Mumsnet is a very strange place when it comes to alcohol. It brings out the horrified pearl clutchers.

XiCi · 09/08/2015 17:08

There is alot of 'goodness' in going out with your friends and having a good time and for many people alcohol is part of that because let's face it, drinking is enjoyable, which is why millions upon millions of people have done it since the dawn of time. And it is quite possible to enjoy a drink without being a raging alcoholic!

maybebabybee · 09/08/2015 17:12

I don't think the OP is an alcoholic as its impossible to tell from the limited info she has given.

I do however stand by the statement that if you need to drink to have fun, you do have an issue.

Maryz · 09/08/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambambini · 09/08/2015 17:18

A lot of folk in the Uk who have never lived anywhere else or socialised with other less drink orientated cultures often have no clue how much we drink and what an embarrasing problem it is. Shame.

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