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To think this does not constitute a problem with alcohol and DP is unreasonable?

134 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/08/2015 10:49

Inspired by another post that reminded me I was going to ask this!

I like to have a drink, mostly on Friday and/or Saturday nights, sometimes at home but I like to go out to clubs and enjoy drinking while I'm there.

I never get so drunk that I can't walk, throw up, behave inappropriately or can't remember things. I don't get so drunk I have a terrible hangover and can't function the next day, never miss work because of it etc - in fact if I'm working the next day I don't usually drinks at all.

DP thinks I drink too much and says that I behave 'like a dick' when I drink, which I'm sure I don't and he is just exaggerating as no one else has ever mentioned it to me.

He doesn't drink at all which I'm sure skews his view on things, and he thinks I should give up completely. I really don't want to as I really enjoy drinking when I do it but he says that if I can't give it up for, say, a month, then I have a problem and need to go to the doctor. Aibu to think he is being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 09/08/2015 14:10

Leaving aside his motives. That is a lot to drink. It really is. It's something in our culture that normalises this as "not a lot". If I was in your DPs shoes, I would try to talk to you about it and if you didn't want to change then I'd exercise my choice and walk.

MrsHathaway · 09/08/2015 14:14

Two whole weeks? That doesn't prove you don't have a problem.

What's your gut reaction to the idea of giving up for a month? Fear? Outrage? Excitement of a challenge to prove him wrong?

Drinking is ridiculously normalised on MN. Many perfectly normal people hardly drink at all and certainly nowhere near the official guidelines.

Maryz · 09/08/2015 14:16

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Maryz · 09/08/2015 14:16

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/08/2015 14:20

I think he's the unreasonable one. Maybe because he's a non drinker. But I wouldn't put up with Dh demanding I give up for a month etc. What you are doing doesnt seem in the least wrong to me.

RoganJosh · 09/08/2015 14:22

I'm another that doesn't think what you're doing is out of the ordinary.
I'd probably try and pin down some specific examples of 'being a dick' and then ask someone else to what degree you did what he says.

Lightbulbon · 09/08/2015 14:23

14-16 units in one go is binge drinking.

It's just such a normalised part of British culture to drink that amount on a night out.

It doesn't get away from the fact that you are poisoning you body, increasing your likelihood of dying younger than you should from heart disease, liver cirrhosis, cancer etc.

But it's your choice.

defineme · 09/08/2015 14:27

I think getting a bit drunk on a night out twice a month is not a big deal in the scheme of things...3 bottles of cider and a couple of single measures is a binge but I doubt a medical pprofessional would say anything other than it's not ideal.
This would appear to be a deal breaker for your dp though.
you could leave him at home and do other sober nights with him? How anyonecsn enjoy clubs without the cushion of alcohol is beyond me.
or you could give up drinking,but that's not a compromise and I would feel rather controlled if it were me.
or you could ccarry on as you are and tell him to not be such a dick, you have always done this and he should never have got together with you in the first place if you drinking twice a month was going to be a problem.

Florriesma · 09/08/2015 14:30

The trouble with people who like to drink a lot is that they almost always believe that they are perfectly behaved, never believe they are in the wrong and always thing they are quite reasonable when drinking.

It's not mn you need it's an honest look at yourself and in depth conversation with your dh. It sounds like you've started this thread to be validated and normalised.

Redshoes55 · 09/08/2015 14:30

Exactly it's your choice

He's attempting to mould you and control you. Fair enough if you lost days at work through alcohol or had a diagnosed health problem but it sounds to me like you are perfectly capable of controlling your own life here without him trying to change you.

Op mumsnet is full of hysteria over alcohol. If you had posted your partner wanted you to quit work, go on a diet or cut your hair most would be screaming LTB he's a control freak.

Alcohol aside you are an adult and noone gets the right to tell you how to behave.

I would ditch him as he sounds a boring controlling nasty twat.

Maryz · 09/08/2015 14:31

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TeaPleaseLouise · 09/08/2015 14:31

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Florriesma · 09/08/2015 14:31

For a bit of context to my previous post, I had an ex bf whose drinking probably would be considered to be normal by a lot. Note he is an ex.

WayneRooneysHair · 09/08/2015 14:32

So he's boring because he doesn't drink?

steff13 · 09/08/2015 14:33

I think it seems like a lot, and if you've had that much to drink you probably aren't aware if you're behaving like a dick. If your friends have been drinking, they probably aren't the best witnesses as to whether you've been a dick or not.

If your partner's judgment is usually sound, I'd consider that he might be right about this. I think the idea that you wouldn't enjoy yourself unless you're drinking is a bit troubling, personally.

Redshoes55 · 09/08/2015 14:33

And why should you give it up for a month because he wants you to? If you do then great but don't get on this slippery slope of him telling you what to do 'for your own good' bollocks.

Next thing you know you will be barefoot, upduffed and in the kitchen like a good girl! Fuck that.

maybebabybee · 09/08/2015 14:40

Redshoes that's a pretty nasty thing to say about someone based on very little information. Not drinking does not constitute 'boring'. I don't drink as it triggers my migraines and also I don't really enjoy it or like the taste. My DH drinks and I don't mind but if he was drinking as much as OP says she is I wouldn't like it in much the same way I wouldn't like it if he smoked - because its bad for his health.

IMO if you genuinely can't enjoy yourself without drinking you have issues.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/08/2015 14:40

I guess when it all comes down to it, you will have to decide if boozing it up regularly is more important than your relationship.

I note the OP isn't answering the "could you actually give it up for a month" and the fact that she says "two whole weeks" kind of implies that she thinks 2 weeks is a long time to go without booze. She also states that she'd rather not go out if she can't drink. IMO those are pretty strong indicators that she's got a problem with alcohol.

Perhaps it's time she gave a thought to the damage she is doing to her liver and the fact that maybe her DH is concerned about her health as well. But she won't, because she is looking to MN to normalise her excessive drinking and validate her feelings so she can continue to drink herself into liver failure. Her choice, yes, of course. But it may be a deal breaker for her DH - and quite rightly so.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 14:43

I'm another that doesn't think what you're doing is out of the ordinary.

Its not out of the ordinary...doesn't make it ok.

I wouldn't want dh going out getting drunk on every weekend that he wasn't working. I would like to spend time doing something we could both enjoy, that didn't end with me being groped in public.

Many women come here and complain theirs husbands do this and their husbands get called all sorts.

Spartans · 09/08/2015 14:44

Obviously he can't (and shouldn't) make her stop, but I can understand him being concerned and probably pissed off.

That has summed it up perfectly for me.

Nonnainglese · 09/08/2015 14:45

If you're so sure you don't have a problem then it shouldn't be a big deal stopping drinking for a month to prove him wrong.
I think you do have a problem, you're binge drinking every Friday/Saturday and you're trying to justify it by saying 'not drinking is boring' - blatantly untrue as many, many people can demonstrate.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/08/2015 14:46

And why should you give it up for a month because he wants you to? If you do then great but don't get on this slippery slope of him telling you what to do 'for your own good' bollocks.

There are loads of threads on the relationships board about men who drink too much and then are dicks to their wives/girlfriends. I can't recall a thread where someone has told the woman "why should he give up drinking because you want him to?" Usually it's LTB, he's got an alcohol problem and you can't help him.

Interesting how it's a different response when it's the woman that is drinking to excess.

Redshoes55 · 09/08/2015 14:48

maybe I didn't link him being boring with not drinking but with being a control freak and calling the op a dick head.

This isn't about her drinking or not drinking this is about one adult attempting to force another adult to behave in a certain way and insulting her and sulking when she doesn't want to.

It's control.

ReginaFelangi · 09/08/2015 14:49

I did wonder whether this might be a reverse initially.

maybebabybee · 09/08/2015 14:53

It's not control, I'm sorry. If one partner partakes in destructive behaviour the other partner has every right to express how they feel about it and ask them to stop. That's called being in a respectful relationship.

The other partner doesn't have to stop of course.

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