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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about Christmas dinner?

297 replies

Scarydinosaurs · 09/08/2015 10:27

Sorry, it's still Summer but I'm being forced into thinking about this following a discussion last week at a family birthday.

It's our turn to do Christmas on Christmas Day. I would like to do Salmon and beef for the main meat. I don't like turkey. I eat it, but out of politeness, I would never buy it and eat it myself.

When I said that I planned to do something other than turkey, I've been told that we can't. It's got to be turkey. By MIL, both SILs and FIL. And DH (obviously!) doesn't want to upset his whole family, so has said our lovely plan to do a huge fillet of beef and a BBQ whole salmon has to be scrapped.

I obviously want to be a good host and give my guests food they like, but they all eat beef and salmon, they just don't want it for Christmas lunch. AIBU to say, I think they're rude for dictating to me what to cook them for Christmas lunch?

OP posts:
swimmerforlife · 09/08/2015 13:11

I am just so confused how people can get so annoyed about the type of meat they are being served on Christmas day that they are demanding they change it to suit their need in bloody august

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/08/2015 13:12

Obviously in all other circumstances the hosts get to pick the food and the guests may not complain. But Christmas and its traditions have such emotional resonances for people. I understand the family's attachment to turkey. And if your DH wants to serve turkey to keep them happy, that is just as valid as your desire to serve beef as it's what you like. Personally I'd just get a small bird and have salmon on christmas eve and beef on boxing day.

CrystalMcPistol · 09/08/2015 13:13

Turkey is utterly grim. Such a bland and depressing meat.

findingmyfeet12 · 09/08/2015 13:14

The fact that they are asking for that meat in August shows that it is important to them.

I don't celebrate Christmas but I know that for many families it is an important part of their day - I'm surprised that others are even questioning this.

lilacblossomtime · 09/08/2015 13:17

I always have lamb at Christmas now it's our tradition. However if you are cooking for others I think you have to accommodate their wishes, especially at Christmas. Lots of people have more than one meat though and it would look very festive and give lots of amazing leftovers.

Tenieht · 09/08/2015 13:17

Cook what you like. There's no rule that says it has to be Turkey. I had a beef pie last Christmas dinner. It was lovely.

CrystalMcPistol · 09/08/2015 13:20

Ham is the most important meat at Christmas!

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 13:25

It hardly matters what you'd prefer OP.

You have invited people to spend the day with you. You are hosting them. And yet you refuse to factor their food preferences into your menu.

That's just poor manners.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 09/08/2015 13:29

TheyCall the DP was excited about the beef too. It's the family that have caused fuss and he's now on a defensive and placating them.

How about this scenario. Next August, the family hosting Christmas '16 start excitedly talking about Turkey. OP says "ooh no, not Turkey, you've got to have beef and salmon!" Would you all say that's acceptable? No. Because as a guest she'd be off her rocker to be so fucking rude.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/08/2015 13:32

I think a good compromise could be to BBQ a whole salmon as a fabulous first course and then move on to more traditional roast turkey main course?
How about that?
I know turkey isn't the juiciest option but some people are sticklers for tradition.
We're veggie but have to have the same veggie traditions every year (with slight variations if so inspired)

BTW reading the tag-line of this thread I wanted to come on here just to say YABU for just mentioning Christmas in August!

But seriously IMHO it's worth going the extra mile to keep the peace especially at Christmas

Wolpertinger · 09/08/2015 13:33

Has she really invited them to stay the day with her though? It sounds like it's her turn, which she might be pleased about, but a family turns system isn't really the same as a spontaneous invite.

If you are a guest, you don't get to dictate what the host does. That's poor manners too.

miranda89 · 09/08/2015 13:43

It's Christmas dinner - it's Turkey -it's a big tradition for some families obv your dp's ...i would cook the turkey for Christmas day then have the beef / salmon for say boxing day New year's day. Your the host so make your guests remember Christmas at your house all for the right reasons not for breaking "their" tradition Smile

FanFuckingTastic · 09/08/2015 13:46

I stopped going anywhere for Christmas other than with my kids. My sister's birthday is boxing day so we all tend to get together then, and no one except my sister has any say in what we do, because it's her day.

In your situation, I wouldn't be happy cooking turkey, I might buy some pre-cooked to silence all complaining and still have my delicious choices still. Turkey is like a big disappointment most of the time. Salmon is so simple, I parcel mine up and keep in the freezer, then bake and done.

After years and years of seeing stress prepping food, I don't want it in my home. Tradition is nice, but arguments and trying to suit everyone and still not ever getting it right for all, I decided duvet day Christmases are the best.

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 13:48

Unless they have allergies, the shouldn't be demanding a thing

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/08/2015 13:53

Procrastinator, no, the scenario you describe wouldn't be acceptable. As I said, the vast majority of times, it's not ok for guests to dictate to hosts. But when it comes to traditions, I personally think the situation is a bit different. we don't do turkey at Xmas, but I can't imagine depriving my American DH of turkey at thanksgiving - he'd be gutted. Also I think that the fact that the DH is in favour of appeasement is significant - it's not just OP v ILs it's also OP v DH and ILs.

Original poster
Scarydinosaurs · 09/08/2015 13:59

I never once said I wouldn't cook turkey, my AIBU was about whether it's ok as a guest to insist on a dish when it's simply preference.

OP posts:
zukiecat · 09/08/2015 14:09

We don't like turkey either and have never ever eaten it for Christmas Dinner.

It's not a law that you must eat it at Christmas, and your guests are being very rude dictating what you can and can't cook.

We always have beef for Christmas Dinner too Smile

Just go ahead with your plans for beef and salmon and enjoy!

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 09/08/2015 14:09

Serve a small-ish turkey and beef tenderloin, with all the customary sides, and smoked salmon for breakfast.

Turkey isn't really a huge amount of effort, you have to soak it overnight and then stick it in the oven.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2015 14:10

my AIBU was about whether it's ok as a guest to insist on a dish when it's simply preference

No, I think they're rude. As I said, why doesn't your husband shop and cook for them if he's so keen to placate them?

This is reinforcing my thankfulness that I've never hosted a Christmas dinner and probably never will.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 09/08/2015 14:13

my AIBU was about whether it's ok as a guest to insist on a dish when it's simply preference

Generally speaking, I don't think it's OK. But Christmas dinner is different, it's probably reasonable to take your family traditions on board.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 09/08/2015 14:13

Theycallme turkey at Christmas is a really recent tradition though. If you're going for proper tradition goose or beef would be the correct choices. I also don't get why Christmas makes things different with regard to guest manners. If you're invited for a meal you either say yes please or no thanks. Only somebody with allergies has any place enquiring about menu choices, and then only so they can decide if it's a sensible plan to accept.

The in-laws here are just breathtakingly selfish and rude.

OP, please stick to your plan, the beef sounds lovely.

80sMum · 09/08/2015 14:14

I think, for some people, having Christmas without turkey would be tantamount to having Christmas without a Christmas tree or Christmas without presents etc. The content of the meal is very entrenched into people's traditions and expectations.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 09/08/2015 14:17

I think they are being very rude to dictate to you what you should cook for them, OP, and you are not being at all unreasonable to query it. I hate lamb, personally, but if someone cooks it for me (or intends cooking it) I would not dream of telling them they shouldn't cook it, as I would consider this to be very ill-mannered.

Turkey is not even actually traditional - goose is. I tend to cook a goose, a ham and then just a turkey crown to placate the turkey-lovers. Cook your salmon and beef, and just do a turkey crown as well - you can get reasonably-sized ones.

Then everyone is happy, but I agree with you.

daisydukes229 · 09/08/2015 14:24

I think that is it for me.
Any other time of the year I wouldn't care what I eat.

But I've had many years of always having turkey and it just wouldn't feel like Christmas without it.

Same as Christmas wouldn't be the same without my mum getting the Brussels wrong. Every year they are always under or overcooked. The year she got them right was actually rather disappointing. Don't think any of us realised what a big part of our Christmas tradition hearing SD moan about the Brussels is haha.

I'd never be so rude as to insist the host cooked it if I was the guest, I'd ask if they minded if I cooked a crown and brought it for reheating (but equally that could also be considered rude as the host could perceive it as me saying their cooking wasn't good enough)

For me Christmas is about traditions and spending time with family. If there was something a guest really wanted I'd just do it because that way there isn't the risk of a bad atmosphere.

SenecaFalls · 09/08/2015 14:35

I think it you are hosting a traditional holiday meal, you do have to take those traditions into account. I'm American and like many Americans we don't have turkey at Christmas. We have ham or sometimes beef. But if anyone suggested having Thanksgiving without turkey, that would be sacrilege. Since turkey for Christmas in the UK is a strong tradition (interesting because it is a North American fowl, but that's a discussion for another day), I would want to make the tradition lovers happy and I would have no problem with their stating their preferences.