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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dads staying over night

458 replies

silverperiwinkle · 08/08/2015 16:53

What do you think?
m.burtonmail.co.uk/Burton-Queen-s-Hospital-introduce-scheme-allow/story-27564928-detail/story.html

OP posts:
Ajaney · 09/08/2015 23:10

In private rooms yes, on a ward no.

My DP stayed with me in a room for 4 nights. I was 4 weeks early with an unplanned CS after failure to progress. I do not honestly know how I would have coped without him. The midwives were lovely but overstretched. He did everything near enough for me and baby. They left us to it more or less as they could see he was capable. The hospital unit was set up so mostly had individual rooms which you stayed in for the entire duration. He slept on a plasticy reclining chair thingy and paid for any meals he had. It worked well for us but I couldn't imagine it on a ward.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 09/08/2015 23:10

I think privacy around medical matters is a very basic right

I've worked in a pharmacy. You have to make sure that all patients have absolute privacy to the best of your ability. I would never have spoken to a customer with another within perfect hearing distance, especially with sensitive matters. But according to people like madwoman, I should be able to discuss all manner of sensitive issues without worry, because Mr Jones just a thin curtain away is more interested in his kid, and really, definitely won't overhear, listen in or be at all interested or also embarrassed. Yeah. Right.

TheHormonalHooker · 09/08/2015 23:17

I think it's a terrible idea and wouldn't have wanted men staying anywhere on the ward when I had my children. To me, this idea seems like they are putting the feelings and rights of the men above those of the women.

I'd support a reduction in visiting hours too.

kikkomum · 09/08/2015 23:32

I have mixed feelings. I totally understand the need for women to feel safe and secure and that should be paramount.

However my own experience was that I had my baby at 1:30 am and spent the next few hours getting stitched up/spending time as our new family of three. Around about 4:30 am we were taken onto the ward by a maternity assistant who didn't tell us that my husband should leave at that point. He tried to sleep in the chair by the bed. About an hour later a midwife realised he was there and he went. I was left with a mucusy, sporadically vomiting baby and couldn't sleep from fear that he would choke. I was awake until he returned at about 2pm. It didn't make for a good start.

shouldnthavesaid · 10/08/2015 00:55

I had major surgery once, left to recover on a mixed surgical ward that had fairly lax rules on visiting. I was the only patient who had vulval surgery, I was only 20 but to get to the toilet I had to hobble with my knee bent up past 10 beds, most of whom had husbands, holding a huge pad between my legs, bleeding heavily and a nurse on either side. Have awful memories of the couple next to me laughing when I had to get cleaned up by the nurses etc.

I landed up needing help right through the night changing pads and bed etc - I was so relieved when they kicked out visitors at 10.30ish so I could relax and get help putting pyjamas on. Can't imagine much worse than them allowing men in overnight - and I'm sure the same goes for most women on maternity units. The fewer strangers see you in that state the better surely!!!

PtolemysNeedle · 10/08/2015 01:33

I'd have liked my then DP with me when I had babies, so I'd go for it.

themadwoman · 10/08/2015 05:39

And a recovering mother may very well need her dp there for a variety of reasons

Anniesaunt · 10/08/2015 06:16

So madwoman what about the issue of overcrowding, toilet access, shower access, increased noise? How is recovery aided by being in a claustrophobic, overcrowded, noisier than necessary room with reduced toilet and shower access? Do you not think the mum who wants her partner there will be adversely affected by this issue?

themadwoman · 10/08/2015 06:26

It's not like it'd be so crowded you can't move. I certainly don't think men would be using the showers. Toilet access can affect anywhere not just on the ward and a bit of noise never hurt anyone

Sirzy · 10/08/2015 06:34

The mad - on some wards it would be that over crowded. With men pushing their chairs back into the curtains to make more room for themselves, no consideration of the other side of the curtain.

Anyone who has spent time on a kids ward where parents rightly stay will know just how annoying it is overnight because a lot don't just shut up and go to sleep. They sit telling all and sundry on their phones what's happening, or watch tv loudly etc.

Except in very extreme circumstances on maternity wards only mother and baby should stay over.

Anniesaunt · 10/08/2015 06:41

Lack of sleep does harm recovery. increased noise reduces the chance of sleep. The 6 bedded bays are designed to sleep, funnily enough 6 adults. In a maternity unit there is by the necessity 6 or more bedsidecots. Doubling the number of adults in that room is* overcrowding. When bedside curtains are drawn someone working at the bedside will have a high chance of hitting the chair beside the other bed. I have a not so pleasant memory from after dd1's birth of needing the toilet and the visitors on either side pushing my curtains so close to my bed I had to try and climb out the bottom of the bed.

of course they'd use the toilet and shower you'd be kidding yourself if you think they wouldn't.

quesadillas · 10/08/2015 06:49

I'm having twins. That's two cots next to my bed and enough luggage etc for two babies, not one. Overcrowding could well be an issue there.

Anniesaunt · 10/08/2015 07:00

That's why I said 6 or more.

YouBastardSockBalls · 10/08/2015 07:37

Why is it that everyone I've spoken to in real life, and pretty much everyone on mumsnet can see that this is a fucking terrible idea, yet the bosses at this hospital claim to have had 100% positive feedback?

Something's not right.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 08:07

Because they won't need to have the staff there.
The only ones who defend dads being in the ward is to provide support for the mum. And that should not be necessary!

maxxytoe · 10/08/2015 08:07

Me and my then partner split up when I was pregnant .
Could anyone stay or would it have to be partners/boyfriends/husbands
I had my dad with me , he was great Grin

quesadillas · 10/08/2015 08:18

My hospital says anybody can stay, you can have one visitor at all times and can swap them at any time.

Maybe inviting all my mates over one at a time would make them see what a bad idea it is.....

MissBattleaxe · 10/08/2015 12:34

I'd have liked my then DP with me when I had babies, so I'd go for it.

But that's a want not a need. Recovering mothers NEED rest and privacy.

From what I can see the only reasons given for wanting Dads overnight is so that they can act as unpaid auxiliaries.

The govt is encouraging this in my view, so that partners or family members can indeed be unpaid auxiliaries and bingo! the NHS needs even less funding.

The rights of recovering post partum mothers are being ignored.

I agree with YouBastardSockBalls- it makes you rub your chin that they had so much positive feedback.

ChickChickQuack · 10/08/2015 15:45

Women may WANT their partners there, but they do not NEED them (unless gravely ill in which case would be in a private room anyway).

Those saying you don't know how you'd have coped without your DH there... You would have done. Because most of us have done it. I had a horribly traumatic birth with DS, hooked up to drips (both of us) and in for 8 nights, and I coped. It was horrible, but I coped.
If you had heart surgery or anything else, you'd be alone, recovering, on a ward.
People saying they would want this are being incredibly selfish. If you can't so much as cope with a night or two on your own with a baby, then discharge yourself and go home instead of feeling like you have the right to inflict your wants on everyone else. I don't care if this is policy in certain hospitals; it's just wrong.
Ridiculous.

LazyLohan · 10/08/2015 15:53

I stayed in for 7 days, it was oppressing enough with just the mothers there. No privacy, felt very vulnerable.

I was in an EPAU unit earlier in pregnancy where partners were allowed to stay overnight and it was horrendous (mine didn't stay, had to work). The problem is, if the mother's on her own at night the only noises are they babies crying, the mothers sorting them out and occasional brief conversations with staff. But if they have a family member there, they talk, and nobody gets any peace.

SideOrderofChips · 10/08/2015 16:19

i'm due in 6 weeks with DC3

DH will come in during the day as DD1 is at camp and DD2 is going to her aunties but then when he goes home its a rest for him and its a rest for me.

I love my husband but i don't want him on a ward with me 24/7

TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 10/08/2015 16:29

We're not in the UK and here all hospital treatment is in private rooms. That said, we were in the UK temporarily when I had DS (he came early) and DH stayed with me the whole time, against the hospital's policy because there was a medical need for DH to be with me 24/7 as recognised by the consultant, doctors, midwives etc. I had a private room, but sometimes, and I admit it's probably very rare, there is an actual medical need (as opposed to a want) for a husband/partner to be present.

MissBattleaxe · 10/08/2015 16:41

In a private room, it doesn't matter as much, but on a ward, I think it's unacceptable and unnecessary.

Osmiornica · 10/08/2015 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DustBunnyFarmer · 10/08/2015 17:22

I received inadequate care on the postnatal ward with DS1. I'm still against it. I want decent postnatal care by qualified health professionals, not shell-shocked partners muddling through. It's a crap idea. It wouldn't be acceptable in a cardiac ward, so why is it OK in the maternity ward.

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